Update: Sort of...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by paperplate, Jan 29, 2013.

  1. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    So, husband is gone, I managed to apply for benefits today & my son had a breakdown. That comment made on husband's way out the door about getting rid of DS, was too much. DS's tutor came today and he just started crying. He told the tutor his dad would only come back if DS was gone....UGH! So instead of teaching, it was more like a hug and talking, which right now is more important. husband had yelled at the top of his lungs that he hadn't 'signed up for this autism ****'....OMG! DS is HIS child...and then said a few other really mean things. Good riddance!
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. Your poor DS is hurting. What a mean thing for your husband to do. You may want to try to explain to him, when he is ready that even though his dad said all of that, it is his dad's issue with control and needing things to be a certain way, that the problem lies with his dad not him. I had to explain to my granddaughter many times, I said it over and over, that her dad's suicide and her mom's mental illness have nothing to do with her, that is their trip, their choices. I would start telling him gently, how his dad can't cope, not badmouthing his dad but explaining to him that it's not his fault his dad left. That you are all now better off living without all that control, that dad did that to you too. He's old enough to know what the truth is and it isn't his fault, it's his dad's problem, he needs to have someone let him know that, if you haven't already done that. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the aftermath of your husband's insanity. But your love for your kids will guide you through. Stay strong, stay the course. Keep posting. We're here for you. (((HUGS))))
  3. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    Thank you, I did manage to put a call into psychiatric, but only got the answering service. Meanwhile, we're just going to take it slow and steady. And thanks to Epilepsy, he may have to repeat the year. Absolutely NOTHING has been 'learned' this year. We just can't break through the memory loss etc... I'd hate to have him repeat, but he hasn't retained anything. Actually, he seems to have lost information that he once knew. This has got to be the most frustrating thing to deal with. Everything else seems to have a 'fix' or a 'pill', but something in the brain is almost impossible to battle. It's like slamming my head into a wall over and over and over....Maybe he just needs a break...time off to get his thoughts in order. This is like a never ending battle, but he's my son and I'm not going anywhere ever. I hope he knows that.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Perhaps now would be the time to tell him you're not going anywhere, ever. He may have a fear now that you will also abandon him. Reassure him repeatedly, that no matter what, you are not going anywhere EVER. He needs soothing and reassurance and a whole lot of love. And, so do you..............(((HUGS))))
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ditto RE...

    Plus... unfortunately, husband doesn't recognize that in all probability, HE may well be the "source" of this "autism thing" that he "didn't sign up for". Not that THAT changes anything... but it may explain his strong reaction. He doesn't like seeing his own image, only "worse" (I'm sure the epilepsy makes it worse no matter what else is going on)
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are an awesome mom. I find it rather ironic that your H 'didn't sign up for this autism" because the things you have said about his obsessions and controlling etc.... make me think that HE is likely on the autism spectrum too. It does seem to run in families for whatever reasons.

    Your h was incredibly cruel and probably has no idea that his son is hurting and may not care given his attitudes. You are doing the right things with your son and this is the right time to tell him that you will always be there. You probably need to tell him that a lot and academics are not going to be accomplished for a while because the emotional upset can really cause havoc with learning. Epilepsy is an awful disease and it can rob a person of so very much. My daughter ahs a type that is hard to find on EEGs but had created many, many problems for her and for us. We homeschool her and it is slow going because some days her brain simply will not remember things or accept new things. It drives her nuts and the rest of us too. So I totally sympathize with you.

  7. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    yes, I noticed the irony in there too. And if that's the case, then I didn't sign up for my husband either! Today's been better, Special Education director called. He's going to be back in school by the end of week. The hope is to give him some normalcy. He doesn't have a reason to wake up in the morning, I need to give him one. I also don't need him here when I'm making calls or going the places I need to to keep a roof over our heads. He'd just internalize it and blame himself. Quite frankly he doesn't need to know where we're getting the help, he just needs to know that Mom has it handled and everythings fine (mind u, inside I'm a wreck!) Just some sort of schedule would help. Everything has been too intense...he needs to be a kid. He needs to know there's a whole world outside of our little box.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I'm sure your son didn't sign up for a father like him either. HARUMPH. Makes me want to go kick things, I tell you.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, that's so sad! I want to hug him, too!
    You are a great Mommy.
    I'm with-HaoZi. Your son didn't sign up for a father like that.
    Keep your chin up. You're doing great. One step at a time.
  10. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    It sounds like you are making positive steps forward for your family. My hat is off to you for that! I wonder about something. I, like you was a stay at home mom while my children were growing up. I had not worked outside the home for many years. I did have the wherewithall to establish credit in my name only. Kinda funny actually, my name only on a credit card, but I had no income personally, but very happy I did that for myself. I also have a higher credit score than my husband! Kinda makes you shake your head. lol I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to try to open a visa or mastercard in your name only while you can use your husbands income and credit. I don't believe in having a credit balance and don't advocate that for you. I just thought it might help you in the future when you're on your own trying to establish a credit history. I would take advantage of everything and anything I could. I hope someone who has been in your situation reads this and lets us both know if this is sound advice. Just a little food for thought.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Men like you husband make me literally sick. So he didn't sign up for his own child?? I hope he doesn't get to SEE any of his children after this. I agree with those who think he has his own issues that nobody signed up for, one of them being that he is just plain MEAN AS ALL CRAPOLA! Hugs to you and your precious son.
  12. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    difficult child 1 has huge abandonment issues. It takes a lot for him to "let people in" and he's had so many "leave" that it throws his whole world upside down when they do. In our case, the people just vanish, as in never see or hear from them again and have no idea where they even are. difficult child 1 went through a long period where I had to tell him constantly that I wasn't going anywhere and he'd test and push to prove to himself that I really wasn't. Your son heard what he did and that just hoovers. Your H is a jerk with bigger issues than your son has. Your son needs to be told and told repeatedly and often that YOU don't feel the same way and that since your H is making you "choose" between him and your son, that you are CHOOSING your son. He's going to need a LOT of reassurances, no matter how bad the behavior might get (it's all just him testing your words) and how many times he "tries" to push you away, if he does.

    You're doing a great job and I am sending strong shoulders and supportive ((((HUGS)))) your way.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    When my dad left (some 40 years ago) my mom made "you and me against the world" our theme song and she said that we (my sisters, me and her) were a team and we would be just fine.

    Maybe you can have DS help you pick out a crazy power song and either one of you can start singing it or play it whenever you want to remind yourself that you will be fine -- together, the two of you.

    If husband wants visitation, Maybe you can get it ordered that it be supervised by the therapist. Dad seems like he needs the professional guidance.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ, when my daughter's Dad and I split up (38 years ago), that song, You and me against the world, was my song with her too..............it was very meaningful to her and to me too......thanks for bringing that up, it's a really nice memory.