Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by everywoman, May 12, 2009.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am much more in control tonight. A lot has transpired in the past few days. I am still wrapping my brain around it all, as it was such a shock. difficult child had done nothing like this for over 6 years. I don't know what the trigger was---but there had to be one---even if he was sleepwalking---he had to be acting out subconsciously on his feelings.

    difficult child moved in temporarily with my gfgbiomom. He is to look for his own housing, but in a tourist economy and the area we live in, it will be tough. I have not talked to her about it. I let husband and difficult child figure it all out. He has no real friends to room---they are all druggies or he has burned the bridges between them because of his past behavior---and the average price for a 1 bedroom in our area is $550. a month. He doesn't make enough to cover that.

    We own a small garage apt. about a block from home, but my sister in law allowed a friend of the family to move in when his wife died in Dec. and she will NOT ask him to move out. She is enjoying the rent she is receiving from him, whereas if easy child or difficult child moves in there (she lived there before joining the army), she will not get her rent money. husband and I are looking into buying easy child a small mobile home to put in the mobile home park we also own---but there are no spots available right now. She is going to get some small settlement from the VA and it will offset the cost. My uncle owns two trailers in there that he rents; I'm going to talk to him about purchasing one of his---it's already there, his health is failing, and he may need to liquidate some property. If we get easy child out into her own place, may be able to move back home. He needs more guidance then she does, and I can't trust him to pay bills on anything I put in my name.

    difficult child has been off the charts since Monday. He is manipulative and needy---calls every hour at least. He is extremely depressed. He has threatened to harm himself because he doesn't know where to go or what to do about housing, but we have coddled and enabled too much in the past and I was adamant that he work this out on his own. The good news is that when he went and talked to my gfgbiomom, he told her the truth about what happened. That shows that the improvement we've seen may be ongoing because the old difficult child would have lied and made this someone else's fault. He has accepted responsibility for his actions---and hopefully making him face the consequences will force him to move forward some more.

    easy child is okay. She told me that she's a tough. She has been through so much in her life---between her dad and difficult child---and the army. She went and stayed with her boyfriend (ugh!) last night, but she is home tonight. She has been going to work, has been pretty upbeat, and is very willing to talk to us about what happened and voice her concerns and fears. She will not see a therapist. We have been there and done that, and well, she has all the tools she needs already. I don't think a therapist could really do anything that she hasn't already been given the tools to do herself. This is not her first rodeo.

    Neither of them has any insurance right now. easy child will be able to go back on my policy if she goes back to school fulltime/ and we are still waiting on the VA to make a decision in her disability case, so she may get some coverage through them. If she feels she needs therapy, we will get it then.

    difficult child needs to re-apply for SSI---but he doesn't have a current psychiatrist or therapist and hasn't been on medications for over two years. So, I don't know if he'd qualify. He could go to county mental health. He went there before, but he will have to make that decision on his own. He needs mental health care and ongoing sub. abuse support (he is addicted to marijuana)---but he is an adult---and he will have to figure all that out. I will offer suggestions if he asks, but right now I'm the bad guy and he will not ask me.

    Sorry this is so long---thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers--
    I don't know what I would do if ya'll weren't here.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hugs, EW. Sending good thoughts.

  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry to hear of difficult child's not doing well. I hope he gets himself together. easy child sounds like she is doing well despite all the upheaval.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    It sounds like you have some good plans in place.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Coming in late but have to say it sounds like you're processing everything the best you can. Adding my support and prayers too xo ML
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi EW,

    WOW - that's a lot for just one week. How are YOU holding up? I mean we always worry about our kids - but I didn't see you put one thing about how YOU are doing.

    MY niece will ALWAYS land on her feet.....I have seen that first hand with how she conducted herself in the army and was so proud of her. And no, therapy isn't the right thing every time - and I'm sure she has plenty of tools at her disposal.

    My nephew on the other hand. I think he's finally starting to realize that the older you get the more intense these issues become. No one is looking to solve things for him this time. He blew up; for whatever or however - and he's being made to be responsible. It's quite a lot different than what happened to him the last time this occured isn't it? Last time Mom didn't say - you need to find a place to live. But like you said eventually he can move back and be monitored. I like your attitude towards what HE NEEDS to do. Bravo Warrior Mom. I really hope he takes time and gets to mental health for himself.

    I have no doubts that this week has been a week you'd rather forget but I'm so proud of your ability to sort things out and move forward. I'm just worried about you. How is husband handling all of this? You too should go on vacation - OH wait you LIVE on the beach - where do you go for vacation when you live on the beach? lol - NOT Columbia......blech.

  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Star, I'll be up there in the next week or two. New granddaughter is due the 21st. I'll be there for that event.

    Oh, and I'm fine---(that's a pat answer my family is known for giving)---my grandmother was dying from liver disease and someone asked her how she was feeling---her answer was always fine---so, we say it even if we don't mean it---knowing that eventually this too shall pas.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{EW}}} This has sure been a long difficult week. But you're all moving in the right direction. difficult child is taking responsibility for himself. easy child is putting one foot in front of the other and protecting herself as she sees fit. H is involved. All good things. Now do something for yourself to keep things balanced, eh? Hugs and keep us posted. I'm glad you're going to be able to get away to see your new grandbaby soon.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Still thinking of you and hoping that you are getting some peace, EW.
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Ladies, I am okay. I have been through so much between husband and difficult child that I know I will either this storm as well.

    PCdaughter had a bad day today. She slept in her room last night for the first time since the assault and had trouble sleeping. She awoke this morning with a headache and called in to work. She was only supposed to work an hour 1/2 as she had a dentist app. (no insurance and multiple cavities and old fillings that weren't done right)! She has gone to boyfriend's tonight.

    I talked to my gfgbiomom---she and difficult child are fine. They talked last night about what happened. They are two of a kind---so he'll be fine there for a while, but it will not work permanently. He is worried that I am mad and that his sister will never forgive him. I have reassured him that I will always love him---but that it will take years to rebuild any type of relationship with her. She had just started to trust him again and not cringe when he was around.

    But, we will survive this.
  11. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Many hugs....

  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sounds like you've got good plans going on. I know what you mean about the *fine* thing. I do it too, got it from grandma who raised 3 difficult children of her own.

    What a rough week. I do think it's a good sign difficult child is taking responsibility. Doesn't change what he did, but still that's a big deal, especially when he never would before.

    Now that things have settled a bit, take some time for yourself to de-stress.