Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 2ODD, Apr 22, 2011.

  1. 2ODD

    2ODD New Member

    Well, night 2 of 5 of us sharing a room has been good. The kids have been week behaved and well mannered to my friends that have taken us in.

    Today I would usually spend the day at church. Instead, this year, I will spend the day house hunting and doing things with my kids.

    husband called last night. He's mad because I have the only running vehicle. After the garage having his for 9 weeks, after 1 day it has broken down again. Needless to say I received a phone call demanding the return of our van followed by a list of running insults and more yelling. I don't think that the kids miss his screaming. Actually, they haven't asked for him at all.
    I'm sure that they will though.

    I am planning to talking to husband today. I am going to tell him that if he wants us back, he has to go for anger management, therapy, parenting classes whatever it takes to make him stop and control himself. While he is doing so, he needs to leave the house and once I have proof that he is doing this, then he may contact
    the kids. I don't think that he will do this. He doesn't think that he has a problem.

    Well, the kids are up. Time to start our 4 day Easter vacation!!!
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Sending {{{hugs}}} your way.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good for you!!!!

    Don't bet on the kids asking for him. They may be as tired of the abuse as you are.

    And he should also be in family counseling with all of you. but I'd be cautious about taking him back, even if he says he's changed. (((Hugs))) and have a peaceful holiday. If you contact a shelter for domestic abuse they may be able to help you find a place to live.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and prayers your way. If you have any concerns about your safety in meeting with him, please meet in a public place where others are around. Hugs. DDD
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon. I echo DDD on meeting in a public place if you don't do it over the phone and maybe even taking the bus and not your keys so he can't get the van from you or know who you're staying with. Have you contacted a DV shelter for help on how to handle things?
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You need to get to court first thing on Monday morning. Without a court order to the contrary (either a TRO or a ex-parte temp custody), he has as much legal right to take the children as you do.

    (I'm not a lawyer, each state's laws are different and you really should get a lawyer, but if you can't afford one, most court houses have good self-help centers.)
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Sorry it's gotten to this point. I had hoped he would understand he's not alone in this, but I believe you are absolutely right to ask him to go to anger management and therapy. He needs to learn how to effectively communicate with his children.

    I like what DDD, Haozi and JJJ said - they are both given you extremely sound advice.

  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We saw this one coming. I'm glad you left - your last thread seemed to indicate you were really trying to make it work with him and I didn't think that would be possible, he is too controlling in so many ways, in worrying ways.

    Even if you find your own place, contact a homeless shelter anyway. Find somewhere tat specialises in domestic abuse in your state, and talk to them at length. They will also be equipped to point you in the right direction morally and legally.

    As for the car - in most households, a situation where there is only one functioning vehicle is not abused in order to keep the other party at home and isolated. His car was in the shop for 9 weeks!!??!? Sounds to me like he was glad of the excuse to keep you where he wanted you, and is wanting to continue to do so.

    I'm glad you have finally left. While I am not generally happy about people leaving a relationship as a way to cope with problems, from what you have said about this situation I can only applaud your final move. Enthusiastically.

    Hugs, hon. Enjoy the [relative] tranquility.

  10. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well done... really. It's not easy to get out (psychologically, practically) of these abusive relationships and you have done so. The life ahead will contain difficulties but you will be living on the basis of sanity, not insanity. And insanity cannot be engaged with...
    Just a thought that occurred to me about what you said to your husband re him getting himself sorted out before he comes back or if he comes back... I would counsel caution. I think your husband has to be really ready to want to look at himself honestly and doing so usually involves time alone, facing life and oneself alone. I left (finally - kept staying, for all sorts of reasons including the child we had adopted together) a marriage in which my ex-husband was hyper-controlling, verbally extremely abusive (violent rages). I should point out that when we married, he wasn't like that... !! Anyway... my leaving, and going to live in a completely different country for six months, was quite a shock to him. He kept promising this and that, entreating and expecting that we would get back together. But in fact he didn't really want to make the marriage work - I think he was unable to bear the pain of separation and also the wound to his pride. Once I had made my decision, there was no looking back. The insanity was over.
    And now... my ex-husband is married again (to a Moroccan woman from a traditional background, much better suited to him) and I think he has done some - just a bit, don't want to exaggerate it! - honest looking at himself. Now when he talks to me on the phone (we discuss J and arrangements for him to come and stay with him), he is respectful, civilised, friendly... He would NEVER be like that if there were not sufficient space between us...
    That's my experience - might not be comparable to yours. But... I think these abusive, raging, controlling men probably have a lot in common...
    Best of luck to you and your children. I do hope you get the practical arrangements sorted out that will enable you to get life back on an even keel again.