VC & meeting are over

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Dec 28, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Attny and I were waiting in lobby and they came and told us twice that they were having trouble getting VC in place- Department of Juvenile Justice facility where difficult child is must be running late. Then we get called in and before I even finished sitting in my chair, PO says "difficult child, as I just told you, we have decided you are going to GH placement". So apparently not only were they BS me about this being cast in stone, they were also BSing about wanting to talk to difficult child alone first to reconsider, and they BS'd attny when PO told her yesterday that it wasn't cast in stone.

    And they first claimed difficult child could be out as early as 3 mos but I raised point that reentry lady had said that was impossible- reentry lady wasn't there of course. Attny asked super to go call and see. Super comes back and says earliest is 3 to 6 mos. I don't buy that- neither does attny, for sure. Reentry lady had said 6-8 mos and probably longer for difficult child. (Reentry lady is asst director of this program that runs the group hoome.) She says she's going to try to contact director of reentry program and asked him. Then I was told how great it would be because parents are allowed to take kid oiut on day passes after a short period, etc. Hum, no again- reentry lady told me after 30 days kid gets a day pass to go on a group outing with GH people. And then when difficult child is out of GH, he has min 90 followup intensive services in the home. Attny said they are just saying whatever to be evasive and they haven't looked into anything.

    I told her I know there is nothing legally that can be done, but if POs are ordering things that they haven't even checked into for kids whose files they haven't even looked at, I call that incompetent. She said she did too but there's nothing that can be done.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just awful. It is exactly what you thought but just made worse by the continuing lies. So, did you get to tell him that this is not what you wanted?
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so sorry klmno. I had a feeling this is what was going to happen. So what are you supposed to do now? Did lawyer or PO or super give you any clues? I hope you made a point of letting difficult child know you're side of the truth in front of them. This has to be so hard for both of you.

    Gentle and supportive {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you both. :(
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    The attny told difficult child "you know your mom isn't over here advocating for you to go to a GH for a long time, like 6 or 8 mos, don't you" and difficult child didn't say anything.

    What bothers me the most is the BS and dangling carrots they have no intention whatsover in following thru with. If it makes me feel this way, I can't imagine how difficult child feels. I wouldn't be able to make it if I was him, to tell you the truth. How much you wanna bet he gets another charge in there and gets his time extended?
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I wouldn't be surprised if he does. It has to be sooo hard for him and with no supports there to help him work through it is setting him up. Again, I am so sorry. I've heard before that in law enforcement (guess that includes POs) they don't have to be honest as long as they can get what they want. They wanted him in a GH and they wanted you to back off. Instead of pushing back, they played along. How childish, immature, difficult child-ish, . . . . . . . is that? I agree with you 100%. I still think you need to make sure difficult child knows EXACTLY where you stood with all this. He NEEDS to know you had no say in ANY of it.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    First I'm sending hugs your way. I'm glad you had your attorney present. I'm assuming there was no videotape or anything put in writing. Here's hoping difficult child does shoot himself in the foot by following his pattern of negative delayed response. DDD
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't hope he does that- it would only make things worse for him. It wouldn't change anything for the better. It is in writing that he's going to the group home- not that I've seen it but I know that was the plan sent from PO to the Department of Juvenile Justice facility, which has to be done around 30 days prior to release.

    It's bad enough they did this for the past 3 weeks and ok, it was to placate me. But look at what they are setting up now- telling difficult child he could be out of gh in 3 mos if we do what they tell us- that's BS, too. There's no way he can unless they have changed the requirements in the past month or unless reentry lady was wrong but I seriously doubt she was wrong.

    But this is their method- when they ask a family their "goals" it isn't for the same purpose as a MH prof- which is to help you attain those goals. It's so they know what to use to 'motivate' you to do what they want, which in fact, is what is written as the true goals on the behavior counselor's form. The families goals are used as motivators to manipulate the family into doing what the PO wants. It doesn't even matter if there is no way in hades that those goals of the family can or will be looked into. I've seen this done too many times by people in csu.

    Attny is waiting to hear back from director of reentry program which oversees the gh to find out what the terms really are and what the length of stay really is, assuming difficult child does what he's supposed to. It doesn't sound like there is any recourse to change the placement.

    I, on the other hand, will be looking for a job outside of this state, unless it really does turn out to be a 3 mo placement but I'm not holding my breath on that. If attny wasn't involved, difficult child would be hearing 3 mos until he got to group home then we'd find out the truth. The reentry program only covers kids in this area.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, k.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, I hope if it is not 3 months, that you can find a job and home in a place where there is a true mental health program to help him progress. Do you know for sure they would transfer him? How does that work?
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Being that the reentry program is a local program, if I move the file has to get transferred to wherever I move and this place wouldn't keep a kid in a locally-run GH if no parent lives in this jurisdiction-- that gets the entire case transferred and 'reviewed' by a juvie PO in the jurisdiction I move to. That PO might still say difficult child needs a group home but if difficult child had already been in this one and doing well for a couple of mos, let's say, it would be unlikely. The hard part is getting a job that pays enough to live on someplace out of state but not so far away that it costs tons of money to get back to this state until this stuff is resolved.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    You are amazing.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you but not really- that's one of the first questions I asked the attny.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I apologize. I thought your response was odd so I went back to my quickly typed response at store closing time and OOPS I typed "does" instead of "doesn't". So sorry that my haste resulted in a sentence opposite of what I intended. Obviously I am hoping he doesn't make that mistake. Geez, I should have waited until this evening to respond but my intention was to lend support asap and usually my brain and fingers are in sync. Hugs DDD
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Silly, I was thinking in a much much broader sense!
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I suggest moving here and taking any job that pays even $12 an hour or so. You can rent a modest apt with 2 bedrooms in a school district without gangs and he can finish school. The rest is up to him. I know my legal system here and he will have a fighting chance unless he actually kills someone.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    LOL! DDD- I read your post about 3 times wondering if that's what you intended to say- it didn't sound like something I'd expect from you! No need to apologize- I've probably done that 100 times and when I'm in a hurry or upset, I don't even bother trying to edit so I hate to think what some newcomer would think of me.

    thank you, Buddy!

    DJ- find me that job! I even have it in my lease that if I move due to work, I'm out of my lease.

    If nothing else, this attny (who's also a GAL) is learning quickly what I (and thus some other parents) are going thru with csu people and that you can't necessarily believe everything they (people in csu) say. Maybe, just maybe, if a parent with a young difficult child is going thru what we went thru a few years ago and she's the GAL, she might be able to ask 'the right questions' from a PO and others and be a better advocate for the difficult child in court, in the future. I know she didn't buy this BS because as soon as we walked out of the building, she said "I'm still calling the director of that program to see what it's really all about- I think I'll go to my office and try him again now".

    I by no means want to say that EVERY person in csu is a liar or incompetent, but there are many of them that are and many of them on power trips.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I hope and pray that difficult child is able to see the vicious manipulation of both you and himself and he can keep faith in YOU. regardless of what you did, your every move as his mother was to provide the best you could at that point in time. And when you knew something better? You tried your hardest to do that. THAT MAKES YOU A GREAT MOM!

    Even if the manipulations of the Department of Juvenile Justice system make that unclear to difficult child. If it would help, maybe print some of your threads from here where you agonize over what is best and how to make what is best become possible amid all the lies the system perpetrated on the 2 of you? Not ALL your posts or threads, but maybe a few of them?

    I hate the way the system has used YOU as the "mean" person behind anything they wanted to do to him, esp as often you pushed for something totally different or had ZERO inkling anything was going on/being considered.

  19. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am so sad. I really thought that there was still a fighting chance. He might be tempted to act out his anger again. What does he have to work for? When they are so close to coming home and they throw in a wrench like this, it's so hard for them to "boot strap it". That self sabatoge is so strong in our kids. Maybe he has gained some inner strength.
    Your such a good mom. You have worked so hard to help him. When this is over and there is no chance of your boy going back into the system, you'll have to compose a letter to these idiots!
  20. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    So sorry for the outcome, but am not surprised by anything concerning the legal system. How long exactly is his probation? With Danny, the system was still putting in their two cents worth way past the time they were supposed to, and still talking out of both sides of their mouth.

    Only thing I can suggest is keep the line of communication open between you and he - its important. Will he mess up? If he is anything like Danny, thats a strong possibility - every time he was set up for release, he would do something to sabatoge it. LOL You just have to keep the faith that it will dawn on him that being out of the system is better than being in the system - thats probably going to take some time - I know with Danny it seemed like forever before his emotional age came close to what his actual age was. Once you learn what the rules are, then you can work around them. Try and keep as upbeat and positive as you can and don't dwell on the past (or current) failings of the system. You need to stress to him that you both need to have these people out of your lives so you can move on with your lives so he needs to get his act together.

    Too bad you don't live in Ca. We have a severe problem with prison overcrowding and they just don't have the money or room to keep people in jail, or even keep track of them once they are in the system.

    Will keep my fingers crossed for the both of you.