Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Aug 30, 2010.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Anyone who does not want to listen to me moan and whine, you might want to quit reading.

    I am so tired of husband and his never ending drama. Once again he is saving his friends. So and so is being bullied by his drug dealers, he wants to quit doing meth but is too scared of the dealers to quit. They come take his truck, beat him up, steal his things and he will not file charges. husband goes over there and scares them away.

    Another one lost his wife last year, and is not doing well. He spends all hours talking to him. This I really do not have much of a problem with, but it is more drama.

    Oh and there is another one. This one's wife left him. We will call the friend L, as this gets really confusing. L's wife cheated on him with his cousin, E. L and husband were snorting oxycontins for awhile. husband could not deal with the fact he knew that T (L's wife) was cheating on L with his cousin, E so he (husband) broke the news to L. That started a huge mess. E ended up abusive, so husband had to try to save her too. She moved a few hundred miles away to live with E and his mom. E conintues to be abusive, and T will not leave.

    L was dating a woman, and apparently her ex was in prison and has just gotten out. Apparently this guy is a little nutso, has been threatening L and and all his friends including husband. Death threats via txt messages. Apparently the police are involved and now have arrested the guy.

    After all this, the lies about the pill snorting, I just do not know when I can believe husband and when I can't. The one person I should be closest to? Is the one who I can barely stand. He will do anything he can to help his friends, but at the cost of his family. I wish I could trust him, but I can't. At this point I don't know if I can ever trust him again, ever believe him. We have nothing in common. He compared him helping his friends to my caring for my Grandfather, who is more like my father, who was DYING! To me, there is no comparison. It was not ongoing, there was going to be an endpoint, and it was for FAMILY. Anytime I needed anything, my grandfather was there. He has given me more money, paid for my college tuition, and even let me borrow money to get a car when I was in my accident. Which, by the way I will pay back to the estate.

    I really think my marriage is over. I just cannot do this. I go to work, cook, clean, take kids to appts and make their appts, make his appts and make sure that one doctor does not give him medications that will cause him to go manic, and he does nothing. Not a load of laundry or dishes. Right now? If I come home and he is home I am angry. Usually he is over in the garage, I think he lives there. He counts that as being home, but when you lock yourself in the garage and you are secluded from your family, that is not home. He says he goes over there and just cries, as he gets so depressed and has so much pain. I feel kinda bad and very cold, but I can't help but wonder if he is just saying that. I hate that I think that. I wish I could believe him, but it just seems like it is an excuse to get out of work. If I have to do everything and make all the decisions, then I might as well not have to deal with him and his koi. It makes me sad that it has come to this, that he is chosing his friends over his family and marriage.

    He says all I do is criticize him, that he cannot do anything right. You know what? He is probably right. I wish that myself and the kids were as important as his friends, that he acted like we are as important as he says we are.

    He says he has stopped all his medications and is only taking an AD. I don't know if I can believe him, and if he is taking an AD I do not know if it was prescribed to him or given to him by one of his wonderful friends. I don't know who would prescribe them for him, or if he is lying to me. He would not tell me what AD it was, so he may just be trying to "rile" me up. He likes to do that, seems to think that is fun.

    If you made it through this, you are an angel. I rambled a lot, but needed to just get this out.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow. This sounds like my DEX.

    He gave away the baby's car seat before the baby was out of it. Snowsuits, before his first winter. His high chair. He gave our home phone number and address to the patients he served on the drub rehab lockdown unit! So he could "help them" stay clean...

    I walked 2 miles to borrow a tractor 4 weeks after a c-section, carrying the baby, to mow the yard because the mower was broken, and a short time later, he repaired the mower and hauled it on a trailer 60 miles to mow some girl's yard, but couldn't mow ours.

    I think his problems had to do with NO self esteem (and rightfully so...he, too, had demons that he had to "make up for") so he "saved" everyone that he could to feel better about himself. There's no glory in being a good husband or father. At least not publicly.

    Now, all that said, doesn't help you a dang bit, other than I empathize and sympathize. Its hard, and I finally laid down the law...when he crossed the line, I said "go". And he quite happily went.

    Many, many hugs.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Wow, CM, I don't know what to say. It was sounding like things were at least going in the right direction. Is it the friends thing, coupled with him stopping all of his medications? I just can't believe that psychiatrist stopped all his medications OR gave him an AD. Wasn't it an agreement that he take his medications?

    My dad does the friends thing. Always had, always will. Everyone - even mere acquaintances - are more important than family. And he would use the same comparison that your husband used. When I moved into this house, I needed my dryer cord pigtailed (4 prong plug to 3 prong outlet). Someone he didn't even know - a friend of a friend or something - called him on his cell because this person was at my dad's house (2 hours away) to hunt on his land. And my dad had to leave *that* second to go do whatever for this person. Fortunately, one of the movers knew how to do it.

    You need to do what you need to do for you. It's time you make you a priority.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Gee I wonder if your husband and my bff somehow were from the same gene pool? lol Also sounds alot like my husband minus the friends part because he's turned totally antisocial. But I won't get started on HIM. lol

    You husband has mental illness. Yep, not anything he can do about it and we both know it. But that doesn't mean he can't step up to the plate and manage his own illness himself. The desire to do so just has to be there. He's a grown man. You're role should be at most to maybe point out when his behaviors indicate a medication change ect if he should not pick up on it. Not manage his appointments, watch over him with psychiatrist........and all the other things you do he takes for granted. Because he has to be willing to actively work his treatment plan for it to have a chance of working for him. I know you know that already I'm just reminding you.

    in my opinion you're a saint. Not being sarcastic, I've thought so for a long time. OMG I could NOT do what you do day in and day out........what you've been doing day in and day out for years, and I know it.

    Helping friends while isolating himself from family is not part of his illness. Maybe he's too ill to work but there are a thousand little things he can do, even depressed, to make your load just a bit lighter.

    You have to think about yourself too. You do what is best for you.
  5. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Towards the end of his life, my husband lost the ability to walk after a hip replacement failed and he wasn't considered a candidate for a revision. I came home from work one day to find a kitchen that was spotless from about waist high (he and I were about the same height) on up.

    Couldn't figure it out until he grabbed his walker and hobbled triumphantly into the pantry to show me his latest addtition to a well stocked chef's kitchen. He'd asked some friends to go out dumpster diving during special pickup week, and they'd found him a wheeled barstool with a back and swivel seat. He plopped him self in the chair and scrubbed everything he could reach.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, CM, I'm so sorry that you're living through this. This was not a whine/vent - you have legitimate concerns and matters that you're dealing with!

    My exh, too, was similar to this. He'd go rescue a friend out of a ditch at 3 AM but wouldn't come with me to the hospital when difficult child was 5 weeks old and stopped breathing. He would blow all his money buying, coincidentally, blow, so he could treat his friends to a good time while I was walking to the church pantry so I could feed our two little girls. I could go on get the idea. Everyone would tell me what a swell guy he was...yeah, swell, at whose expense?

    I think you need to consider saving yourself. In the short term it's difficult to make the necessary changes, but in the long term, it is well worth the effort to care for yourself and your children first rather than wait around for H to 'get it'. I'm all about self preservation~
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Thank you for your support. I wish I knew what was best for me, I wish I knew what to do. I hate this, hate that the man I used to know has been stolen from me, and I don't know if he can come back, if he wants to come back. I know I cannot continue on with things being the way they are now. The question is, will they really change, can they change? I don't know. I know a marriage takes two, and I know that I need to do some things differently, but dang it so does he.

    I wish I had a crystal ball.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    A person can change when and if he/she is truly committed and does everything necessary to change - for both themself and those people in his/her life. If you are doing everything to make it work, then in my humble opinion you've done your fair share. People asked me if I ever felt regret or guilt for leaving my exh when my girls were so little (2 and 4) and I didn't. I never felt one ounce of guilt or regret because I knew that through 3 years of counseling under my belt, I had done everything possible to make it work. Exh, however, never went with me or alone ONCE. He was not committed to changing in any way whatsoever. Either he wouldn't or it's possible he just couldn't. I do feel bad that we weren't able to make it work in regards to keeping my girls from having to go through a separation and divorce, but I still feel they were better off in the long run. Who would want their kids to endure a lifetime of dealing with a parent riddled with addictions and disfunctions? No one.

    Do you have a counselor or therapist who can help you sort out some of the issues you're dealing with? My counselor helped me tap into a vast reserve of strength I never knew I had at that time.
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hearts, I do have a therapist I have been working with and I plan on calling her today and seeing if I can get in. I just spoke with husband, and now he wants to work it out. I told him I did not know if we know how, we are so entrenched in old bad habits. I had mentioned marriage counseling before, and he brought it up again. Will I try it? I don't know. How do you not try to save a relationship of 18yrs? I will probably try it if he is willing and if he is willing to actually work at it, but I cannot know that untill I actually see him try.

    I know if we were to split up, I could make it. I work, have been the only one to work for years. He has not been able to work, through no fault of his own, due to his pain and BiPolar (BP). I do not fault him that. But he can do things around the house to make my life easier and I have not seen him do that for a very long time. I have been the one to do all the house stuff, take the kids to appts or make sure they get there, go to work, pay the bills and I think it is time he do a few of these things.

    Right now? I don't want to make a decision, I don't make good decisions when I do so quickly and out of anger and frustration.
  10. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm so sorry to read all of this, I know its been a ongoing struggle to balance all of this for a long time, and it seems to sit squarely on your shoulders. Count me as another who has been there done that, with easy child's father. I had my difficult child and easy child was a infant and I recall my ex quitting his job supposedly to help me at home because difficult child was a mess, baby was so small, and his 3 kids from his first failed marriage were basically living with us and I was caring for 5 kids (with then undiagnosed MS rearing its head). That didn't work as he planned (I never thought he should QUIT a good paying job to stay home with me who wasn't working, when there were 5 kids to support!). He refused to return to work but he refused to help with the house or pets or the 5 kids. Yet he did manage to go to a local french literacy agency and volunteer his time daily to teach adults to read. Noble certainly. But at the cost of a spouse and 5 children who did without (eventually was evicted over late rental payments, humiliation!). He never was able to comprehend why exactly I eventually was unable to tolerate even making small talk with him. I just couldn't continue.
    One day I went out for a bit with a family member and landed at their house. I vented, I needed to badly. By the time my vent was over, I phoned home and just announced that since I was moving 2 weeks later (due to eviction from inability to pay everything without his help), I had decided he can find his own place to move at that time and it would be just myself, difficult child and baby easy child moving into my new house. And thats what I did. I remember that 2 weeks was awful, I felt so torn not knowing if this was the right choice, hoping he'd do something (anything) to show an ability to change and get himself together. But he didn't.
    That first night in the new house, I put the kids to bed and soaked in a hot bath and I remember realizing all of a sudden that instead of the horrid pain I expected to feel on my first night starting over alone, I was feeling relaxed and feeling liberated. Even with the new burden of managing it all on my own with both kids etc. I felt liberated. Sure I missed the part of him I had fallen for to begin with. But I certainly didn't miss that feeling I'd been living with for far too long.
    The totally strange thing was that he seemed to wallow in grief for a time, asking me to try again (he hadn't changed so the answer was no). Then he turned up one day with a woman in tow, a woman he met while volunteer teaching at the french literacy place. They are now married. Have a gorgeous (and not cheap) home. 3 vehicles (all bought in past 2 years). Motorhome for travelling. Take mutiple holidays every year. Own their own business (sucessful one), he has a seperate business of his own (also successful) and together they also are managing a book store and are regional managers for this entire section of our province (not sure how many stores it is up to). So he was more than capable, but he wasn't getting it together for me or with me. And I'm in a some sense glad he did get it together, but in no sense do I regret my decision to move on. Simply because I think the only reason he got motivated to fix his situation was because he felt he'd lost everything. When I walked away, so did the ability for others to "do" for him. Had that ability been there to rely on others (me) I do believe we'd be just where we were back then, still today.

    I know there are stories exactly opposite, where people have a light bulb moment and figure out their mess and work to fix it. I do hope your husband has that moment. I just wanted to share that if a difficult decision to end things is somewhere in your future, it isn't always the experience people assume it will be. I always felt personally anyhow, that by the time that decision comes it is because it is the time for it to be made. And most have given up on it improving by that point. And often I think people felt that relief as I did. To know it may be hard alone, but you are carrying your own weight and that is a ton lighter than carrying your own weight and another persons weight.

    I'll be thinking of you and hoping for improvement for you in one way or another. Vent anytime, seems a bunch of us truly know what you feel. (((hugs)))
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree - you don't want to rush in or out of anything. You will know what to do at the moment you know. No one else can tell you when the right time is or how to go about it. Sending prayers for strength and wisdom.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Mattsmom, this so hits home
    I am torn, and it is harder when he does show that he wants to change, by asking for marriage counseling. Part of me feels that I should stay and part of me thinks I should just be done. Time will tell, I so hate that saying but it is so true. I see what it does to the kids when he does not come home, they ask when he will be home and all I can say is I don't know. Last night easy child asked if he was coming home, and it hurt to see her expression when I gave the same answer. I will not lie, but at the same time I try to be gentle with the harsh truth.