Waiting for the other shoe to drop....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by scaredofhim, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Well bio mom had to call the police on my SS last week. As I mentioned on another thread, husband and I had confiscated his laptop and cell phone after his previous weekend visit with us, when SS informed us that he was not going to do any chores when we dropped him off at his home Sunday before last. Well, last Thursday, SS tells bio mom that husband told him he would get his electronics back that day and she wanted husband to call SS and let him know if that was the case or not. (she knew that was not the case, she was right there when husband talked to him!) So husband calls him and tells him he did not say that SS was getting the stuff back on Thursday, and SS flipped out and said he heard him say he was getting them back Thursday, screamed at husband and called him a liar and an idiot, and proceeded to melt down. He was delusional, as always, absolutely convinced that husband told him he was getting the stuff back Thursday and swearing he heard husband say it! husband got off the phone with him and told bio mom if he gets violent, to call the police. Well SS started screaming he was going to kill himself if we didn't bring back the electronics, and was stomping up and down in his room and throwing stuff and then he came downstairs and started hitting bio mom, then ran into the kitchen and went for the knives. Bio mom and half brother restrained him, and they got all of the knives and hid them. Then SS runs out into the street with no shoes on screaming at the top of his lungs, so bio mom called the cops. They sent three officers to talk to SS. The cops did the drill sgt. routine, yelled in his face, made him do pushups, told him that he WILL do everything his mom tells him to do. Etc. They told him that if they have to come out again they will be taking him away. They actually wanted to take him that night, but bio mom wouldn't let them. She wanted to see if them coming out to talk to him scared him into changing his behavior. What she doesn't seem to understand is that he is more than just a spoiled, acting out, defiant child. (which is all the cops thought he was, even though she told the cops he is bipolar) He is mentally ill and there is a lot of his behavior that he cannot control until he gets the proper treatment, and the cops trying to put the fear of God into him isn't going to work for long. Since the police visit, he is already not doing what he is told, and staying on the laptop for increasing periods of time and getting angry when bio mom tells him that he needs to get off it for a while and take a break and do his homework and his chores. So it is just a matter of time before another incident. We met bio mom and SS at his psychiatrist appointment. this past Saturday, and the psychiatrist was filled in about the incident with the police and gave SS another lecture, telling him that hitting his mom is domestic violence and a crime and that they will have to take him away the next time and put him in foster care or juvenile detention. SS wasn't really even listening to the psychiatrist. Just kept staring into space. And as soon as the appointment was over, SS asked husband if he was getting his laptop back. We told him it was up to bio mom and bio mom said he could have it but could only be on it for very limited periods. husband and I think that is a huge mistake...We tried to talk her into letting us keep it, but she believes that the cops scared him enough that he will "be good now." Anyway, we are just sitting on pins and needles waiting for the phone call that we know is coming this week when SS flips out again...and I am dreading the weekend with him, because we are not going to allow the electronics to come with him. If he melts down with us, he is not coming back here.....Thanks for listening to me vent today....this is so stressful to deal with!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Question: Why even let him come back? You know he is going to get dangerous if you don't allow the electronics. What is the purpose of NOT letting him use electronics? To get him to do his chores? He still won't. To punish him for NOT doing them? It won't work and will likely blow up in your face. I offer two solutions:

    1. Let him play on the laptap for as long as he wants and ask NOTHING of him so that he doesn't go for the knives and possibly hurt you two or himself or all of you. Not using his laptop isn't going to help him at this point in time. He is very far gone and needs more help than any of you can give him and normal types of discipline will only enrage him so that he will act out. And you know it! Thought: What if he gets so mad he sets the house on fire? I know of a child similar to him who did just that. He didn't like what his foster parents said so he burned down their house. Yes, I feel this child is capable of that so I would not attempt to oppose him if he were under my roof. You can't win with this child. He is too disturbed.

    2. Don't let him come at all because nothing has changed that is going to make him suddenly able to comply. He is in desperate need in my opinion of a residential treatment center and is not safe in a family setting. Why even give him another chance to destroy your house, hurt you or who knows what else?
  3. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Midwest Mom, I don't want him to come back here. And husband said he didn't want him to either, but then he starts feeling guilty about it and says, "well maybe he will be okay when we have him so we will take him and see what happens." I don't think husband really believes that, but like I said, it's a guilt thing. I think the only way husband will ever stick to keeping SS out of our home is if he does something really bad, but that to me is a very high price to pay, and I am scared! Bio mom says his behavior has been better this week, but I know it's because he has his laptop back and is staying on it constantly. She just hasn't tried to take it away from him yet. Another problem that we are having is my sister-in-law. She keeps telling husband that maybe we should take custody of SS, that maybe he would do better with us. And I get so angry every time she says it because she hasn't a clue how bad this child is even though we have told her repeatedly! She just thinks he is spoiled and just a little tough love will fix everything. SS is too far gone for a little tough love. And she doesn't even take into consideration how I feel about it and that really makes me angry. I live in my home too, and I have every right to be comfortable and feel safe in my own home, and I would not feel that way if SS lived her. husband has told SS, and the bio mom, that if he acts violently again he will have to go to residential treatment, foster care, or juvie. So bio mom knows we will not take him. He told bio mom that SS too far gone, and we are too old to deal with this. We both have health issues. husband may have to have his aortic valve in his heart replaced. So no way will I consider taking SS into our home and raising him. I just worry that every time my sister-in-law says this stuff about taking custody to my husband, that she is working on his guilt and he will cave in and consider it. I wish she would mind her own business. I totally agree with you that he is going to act out, and act out badly and that it is not a matter of if, but when. All of this is making me a nervous wreck.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe sister in law needs to volunteer to take him? Seriously. If all he needs is some "tough love" surely she can dish that out, too... and return him to you in much better shape. <ya right, we know that isn't gonna happen, but... if she has the answers then she'd better be prepared to prove it>
  5. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Amen to that, InsaneCdn. I wholeheartedly agree with you! husband's family just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Plus they have always spoiled SS and treated him like a baby. To them he can do no wrong....
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC has a GREAT idea. Let his sister take in SS and make sure...no laptop!!

    It is sad that somebody will have to get hurt before the family will admit there is a SERIOUS problem with SS and that he's not safe at home. Since even the worst difficult child's cycle and can have "good" days/weeks/even some months (at least in difficult child terms) there is always the hope that things will forever get better. In some cases, they can! But this particular child is so incredibly damaged. I am assuming, at least to myself...lol (wink), that he is attachment disordered. His behavior is, in all seriousness, very frightening and I forgot if you have other kids or pets, but I sure hope you don't. If so, send husband out for the weekend to be with SS or send the other kids and pets to another relative to hide out until this kid is gone.

    There is no little band-aid for a child doing as potentially harmful things as your SS and you have my deepest sympathy. You have tried to give a lot of love to a child not born to you and I commend you for it. But you are also the only one seeing him straight, probably because Dad feels he contributed to his son's makeup (and maybe, if he has attachment issues, he did, but that doesn't mean he can fix his son now). And, frankly, he didn't know at the time that his son was going to be so damaged. Not all kids with chaotic beginnings develop these severe problems, but this child was obviously vulnerable and did and the blame game is pointless now.

    The real point is to keep all of you safe, including yourself, sweetie. Make sure you stay out of the line of fire. I would not contribute to the disciplining of this child as he is not your average child and he may come at you with a weapon. Let him have his laptop or let your husband be the one to remove it. Not having electronics can help certain kids or motivate them on to better behavior, but I'm afraid that with this particular child it will just make him a bigger risk to those around him. He is not going to do what is told of him just because you remove his favorite "toys" from him. More likely, he will throw a God awful fit from hello that you don't need to be a part of. Plan a nice day out with friends or your own family or your other kids, and don't forget to take your pets with because he could hurt them too. Let your husband deal with this child. And keep yourself and your other loved ones safe. I hope your husband realizes he married a gem. Big hugs!!!!