Walking down Memory Lane

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by New Leaf, Oct 6, 2015.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Yes, she came. She fired her questions and concerns at the admitting Nurse who was very patient. Mom gave her "the look". The Dr. came in after to talk with us but had an urgent case in ICU. So we didn't really have a chance to ask questions. Mom is supposed to go see her cancer doctor. on Tuesday. I fly back home Sunday, so will miss that.
    That is the most difficult part of being so far away.
  2. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Leafy, so glad this procedure is done. As Copa stated, all the proper and best things have been done. Please, rest. Do something frivolous or calming. You need to heal both emotional and physically. Take care of you now. Are you waiting in the hospital? Sometimes a walk or a good magazine helps. Do you crochet? Or write us about how you are feeling...

    It is now out of your hands. I am so glad that the procedure was done. She is also on medicine to help. I know that it was comforting to your mom to have you near.

    Rest, if you can, and stay in touch. Prayers being sent out to our friend, Leafy.
  3. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Leafy, your family will start that journal. You can pitch in with pictures that you took on your trip and the perfect eloquent words to go with the pictures. Your brother could fill in the specifics...any tests...New medications etc. He or you could type up any questions that your mother has for Tuesday.

    Now, with the miracle of electronics, you can help at home. You could also Skype or conference call. You could send pages for the journal over the internet. Also, call your mother right before the appointment and after. Also, with your mother's permission, you may talk to the doctor over the phone or online.

    You could send a small surprise with a note every once in a while.

    You have reconnected that bond. You will still be 'there' for her...With support...care...and love.
  4. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Still in our prayers....Warrior Leafy.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello all,
    We are in our hotel room after a long day amidst the hubbub of downtown Boston. Yesterday's rains gave way to beautiful blue sky's and light chilly winds. We met up with brothers oldest daughter who attends college nearby. We went to Faneuil Hall and listened to a short presentation on its history. It is something special to take in the sights of this historical area. We went on a hike through the city to Boston common, where we strolled about, stretched our legs out, enjoying the exercise and the brisk air.
    Mom is feeling much better, still tired after her ordeal yesterday, but said her cough is much lighter. The Dr was able to suction her lungs out, I am hoping it will give her a kick start to get over the bronchitis.
    Feeling, your suggestions to help from afar are terrific, I will definitely be putting them to use. I am trying to count my blessings that we were able to make this trip and I could help out this little bit. It was scary to see my Mom in such a state, she was always so full of energy I used to get tired watching her bustle around the house. She is still one tough cookie!
    What I am very thankful for is the opportunity to spend time with my three children and granddaughter. Such a difference from all of the drama with my two Difficult Child's. They are so pleasant to be with, we laughed and joked together, they are helpful, appreciative, respectful and polite. I realize how much I have missed out on while being on the "drama go round".
    So we will begin again back home and start new traditions together. I will continue to pray my other two come round, but will not be the rug I once was.
    It will be an early morning tomorrow, long flight back to Hawaii.
    This trip was a whirlwind, we all experienced so much together. I thank you my friends for all of your support and help along the way!
  6. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am glad that you had a wonderful day and that your mom is feeling better. I love Boston...the sites, the architecture, and the history.

    You are right, Leafy, after being caught up in the drama and chaos of our Difficult Child's, it feels almost foreign to be surrounded by polire, respectful, and easygoing people. Enjoy your last evening there.

    I do not feel too sorry for you...I would love to live in Hawaii. Start that journal as soon as you return. Take a lot of pictures, literally and with your astute mind.

    Roar, or rather, aloha.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Here on the site New Leaf, we once called our Difficult Children G F G (Gifts from God.) I was thinking about that term yesterday, about the kindness and humor and humanness in it. In the term Gifts from God, I mean.

    We have had to begin new traditions in our family, too.

    Not to cry all over the place here, but it isn't the same for us, either.

    I read and reread those lines, where you described your time with three of your children and a grand. "Helpful, respectful, appreciative, polite." As I thought about it, I realized that for us, just a phone call without a hang up ~ just a phone call, at all ~ is seen as a triumph of relationship. A visit without explosive leave taking or weird people who later betray us to the heart ~ man, have my standards gone shrieking downhill. And I have been so focused on the joy in whatever it was I did have that I left part of myself out in the cold ~ the part that knows better; the part that wants more.

    I didn't know what to do with her.

    I still don't. But now I know she is there, on the outside; looking in, savoring the light and warmth that should have been. That is what I keep trying to recreate.

    So I can be whole, again.

    There have been so many losses; so many things lost ~ real, physical things too, have been lost.

    Would you have been able to appreciate this time with your three children, New Leaf, if you had not known the feeling of interaction with your own Gifts From God kids?

    I have not allowed myself to know these things.

    "They are so pleasant to be with, we laughed and joked together, they are helpful, appreciative, respectful, and polite."

    It seems to be a piece of healing for me, to have read these things, now.

    It isn't that I love my children any less, not at all. It seems to be that I can step away from the hurt of it, or the blame or shame of it in a way I did not know I was hanging on to.

    I had sealed that part of me off, somehow.

    An unacknowledged, numbed out facet of self.

    It is good to reclaim her.

    Thank you for sharing that with us.

    We can see ourselves differently when we are away from the day to day of it. I am pleased this is so for you, and now, it seems, through your words, for me, too.

    It's a strange thing; a little sadness. A taste of gratitude; a reclamation of self, in the realization of just how impossibly difficult this all has been. We can so easily forget that we are living challenging situations. It just all gets to seem so normal.

    How sad, and how very strong we are, in the face of what is.

    Thank you.


    What are your new traditions going to be, New Leaf?

    Last year, I learned to make baklava. For one of my granddaughters. The story is so funny and sweet that this year, I plan to make it again, and to make it every year from now on, and send it for her.

    But there is so much hurt in everything I remember about how we came to today. Something in your post keyed into that for me.

    I knew I was sad, but it was kept under glass.

    Now, that flesh too is warm and live.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2015
  8. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Cedar...very well put. I seal that part off, as well. I eagerly receive any bit of 'normal' interaction. But, it is so bittersweet, because deep inside of me, I always hold that profound sadness.

    I feel like crying all of the time. When my youngest son is nice, polite, funny...I almost feel like crying. There is such a deep well of despair that I always carry about. The stark contrast between the two diverse poles of my emotions keeps me on a roller-coaster.

    I need the ups, but then a memory sends me diving down...

    I cannot detach because my schizophrenic son is not in touch with reality. I do not know where he is or how he us doing. He is not actively making bad choices. He is being guided by his delusions and hallucinations.

    My heart is always breaking. I just play act through out the day. Smiling and joking... for my youngest son, who I do not want to know how sad I truly am, and for those who do not know.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How is it that Viktor Frankl said it? I will say it in the way I remember. To respond to or answer the questions that life throws at you with grace and with honor. That is living well.

    To recognize that life was not given to us to be "happy" but to serve G-d. To learn.
    Cedar, what in the world does it have to do with want? Remember Hiraeth. That impossible yearning in the human heart for who knows what? That will never return, or never was.

    That wanting is for us to fill, not our children, or our relationships with them.

    My sister has that easy being with her children. What can I do? What does it mean?

    Nothing important. Hiraeth.

    This was a sad post, even for New Leaf. She is missing her 2.

    I am thinking now of my father's family: There were 7 children.
    4 boys, 3 girls. Jane, Agnes, Dorothy, Andrew, Thomas, Robert and William. All full Celt. Some born in Scotland. All drank. All drank to excess. My father had other vices. None were great successes.

    The thing is when I was growing up it was seen as a normal thing. They had normal life. There was no grief that I remember. There was no shame. It was all normal.

    Kids went off and lived their lives. That had tragedy and every other human element. It was the way it was.

    On my maternal side, parents and extended family were left in other countries, in some cases they were killed in the Camps. Never to be spoken of again. New stories were begun in the New World. There was not the grief that I am feeling. At least it was never shown in a way that I saw it. I never heard my mother speak of it.

    I am now thinking it is all Dr. Spock's fault. All of it. That our kids cause us grief and that we are wired as to feel it so deeply and to think and feel about ourselves as responsible, and broken...because we cannot tell happy stories about 100 percent of our children. Dr. Spock's fault. My mother's copy had dog-eared pages.
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    New Leaf,

    When you read this you will be home. You may be tired and a little sad.

    Remember this: You had a victorious visit. You risked much, and you won. You responded with grace and dignity to all you encountered. The memories will last a lifetime. Thank you for sharing it all with us.

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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is what husband says, Copa.

    Dr Spock, and Dr Lee Salk. And there was another one too, about raising healthy children, but I can't think what it was.

    And for the longest time, I thought that might be it, too. But now I think that the heart of the matter is that our children are troubled. I believe now this is genetic. I even believe, now, as I heal, that we may have been stellar moms.

    I do.

    I did feel so responsible, at first. I do still, if the truth be told. I have to fight very hard, with every interaction, to believe in my kids enough to say the words I have learned, here on this site. We do that ~ believe with everything in us that we are responsible ~ I think we do that because if what is happening to our kids is somehow our fault...we can help them.

    It's very sad, what is happening to all of us.

    It was shocking, horrifying, as it is for you Copa, and for Feeling and New leaf and for all of us here, to realize I was hurting my children by helping them.

    To realize I had to let go. It was the only thing I hadn't tried.

    But I did it. I listened to everyone here on the site, and I did the best I could to change myself, to help myself and to help the kids.

    When I did that, when I passed responsibility for their lives over to them...I was left with nothing, at all.

    No role to be; nothing to help me know how to accept what was.

    Not even determination to fix it; to heal us all.

    I was left with Radical Acceptance and the words I'd learned here, and with the horrible loss of what is.

    I would rather it had been something I had done, something I could address or at least, apologize for. There would be some way then, that we could know how this happened and unravel it and set things right. It took me the longest time, to acknowledge and accept the why behind what was happening to all of us. And when that happened, I lost whatever was still holding me up. Hope, faith, belief that loving them and ourselves enough mattered; that love would get us through it ~ gone.

    We weren't going to get through this.

    But here we all are, the parents on this site, and the kids, and we are ~ maybe not so much coming through it, as coming to terms with it.

    If I did it (and I am) we all can.

    There is like a slow motion horror to all of it.

    We have to be very strong.

    One of my children copes with mental illness, Feeling Sad. For me, detaching came to be about learning to detach, not from the child, but from the horror of my own emotional reaction to what was happening without going numb.

    I say dorky things when I am coming from a place of numbness instead of real.

    I had to learn to detach even from the slow motion horror of anticipation.

    Repeated trauma builds on itself.

    Somewhere Out There gave us the concepts of "emotional flashback", and of Complex Post Traumatic Stress. Not just PTSD, but Complex PTSD. that is the name for what happens when we have survived repeated trauma. Each reaction builds on the one before it. And if we've made ourselves stand up to it, that feeling ~ that being so scared and staying right there with whatever it was that was happening ~ the only thing we are left to stand up to it with is that stupid complex PTSD reaction, snapping us directly into horror and freezing us in place.

    I don't even know how we function through that stuff, at all.

    So, now we have a name for what is happening to us.

    That was helpful to me. It helped me know what was happening to me; it helped me name why I could not sleep, why there were times when the disreality was so intense I felt disconnected from my own self as I watched myself interact, like I was watching from a distance while the real me was focused on my child, and on the horror of what was happening.


    Child of Mine posts about the concept of a tool box. For each of us, the tools we find of value will be different. Posting here is a tool box item. Meditation or one centering breath or journaling can be tool box items. Quotes can be tool box items, or spirituality or yoga or exercise.

    Or travel.

    Or Anne Lamott's prayer: "Help! Thanks! Wow!"

    Knowing that we have a tool box can pull us through those first moments (or, months) when something horrifying is happening. That lost, whirling place we tumble into when something bad has happened is called: FOG.

    Recovering Enabler gave us that term.

    When we can at least name where we are, then we have a tool.

    We can stand up.

    We can get still, and function.

    We can respond, instead of react. Maybe, it will only be for one minute. Then, we will have to begin again with our breathing or with something else in our tool box. And minute by minute, we will learn to nurture and respect ourselves and our children through it.

    That's the thing. The kids are scared, too. They do not want it this way any more than we do. It is so easy to forget compassion for their humanness; for their hurt and confusion about why these things are happening, to them, and to all of us.

    You have been through major trauma, Feeling Sad. Responding as you have is normal and healthy. Grieving is normal and healthy; and hope.

    It has made all the difference for me to understand that I need to believe my kids can do what is required to create their own best lives. It is my belief, backed up by pretty much nothing


    that when our children do not fly strongly into their adulthoods, we mothers don't stop seeing them as children; we see our thirty and forty year old offspring as toddlers, or adolescents.

    We see them as they were before the bad times began: we protect.

    I think this is genetically and hormonally mandated. We worry and celebrate and concentrate on them to the exclusion of our own further development. We begin to help too much and loving turns into enabling and we don't know why or how this happened to all of us, to our families.

    We reach the point where we know only that lovingkindness is not helping our children, who have somehow come to be in their thirties and are still dependent on us and who resent us for that.

    Something has to change.


    That is how I see detachment theory.

    Emotional and personal survival.

    I know there are parents who claim we can and should turn away and celebrate our own lives and let the chips fall where they may. I never could get there. I hope I never get there.

    But to love my troubled kids close up was destroying me and them. Enabling gets to be such an ugly, ugly thing.

    I am so very sorry you find yourself in this place in your life too, Feeling. It is downright crazy-making, I agree. During some of the worst of it for us, I worked, I went back to school, I did all kinds of things. It was eerie how I could function as I did. As you said, we smile, we converse, we say Good Morning; we discuss things like carpeting or gardening.

    And the next day, somehow, no matter what is happening in our children's lives ~ in those lives that matter to us more than our own ~ we do it all again.

    The last time something bad happened to us, I went through a true crisis of faith. All I could know to do was to say, "Yes".

    So, I did.

    I just said yes to pretty much whatever came along.

    And somehow, one day and then, the next, I got through the worst of that time.

    It was like everything was in slow, slow motion.

    Terrible, terrible things kept happening.

    But here I am today, with all of my parts and mostly intact.

    The thing about schizophrenia is that we know, as their moms that they talk to about it, how that feels for the kids. And it's horrifying to know it. The confusion, the rages, the overweening certainty and the fall, and the hurt of it for them. Our child is not schizophrenic, but those aspects can, and have, appeared.

    I am very sorry this is happening to you, and to your child and your family.


    The first step is to decide you will heal. This is an act of will. It goes further than holding everything together so we can function. It comes real over time through repetition and determined intent. For me to choose to heal, guilt had to be overcome, and a sorrow ~ really, a living, breathing sorrow that came to be so much a part of me that I can easily touch the core of it to this minute.

    I had to make myself larger than I was to encompass the pain and confusion, Feeling.

    I had to open other facets of self.

    It is like performing the Heimlich Maneuver. Performed with determined intent, it can save lives. We are about saving our own lives, here.

    This time, these times in our lives, and in the lives of our children, have been ~ I don't have words.

    It is not over. Not for us, and not for them.

    It may never be over.

    We have somehow to come into balance around that understanding. And there is no way to do it.

    But we are doing it.

    Each of us will have found her own way of seeing what is happening to her, and to her child and her family. I am glad you found us. We have been where you are and we can help you, and ourselves, to stay present. That is what detachment theory parenting became for me: a way to stay present; a way to be real in my own life. Real for me, and for my kids. Everything is not going to come out all right, sometimes.


    There came a time when extraneous pain ~ issues from my own childhood ~ had to be resolved and the toxic leak of strength once devoted to those hurtful things reclaimed.

    I need every ounce of energy and presence I can command.

    This is a choice.

    This is a way to respond, not react.

    Our lives are what they are. Our children are troubled. I think there is no worse pain, and for us and for them, the pain is unremitting.

    We will all be right here with you Feeling, learning and holding strong and sometimes, just listening. And you will not be alone.

    And that will make all the difference.

    It's like in the poetry about For Whom the Bell Tolls.

    Sometimes, it is tolling in my life.

    Sometimes, in yours, or Copa's or for New Leaf.

    Or for any of us, here.

    For those who don't know what I know, I pray with all my heart that they never come to know it.

    One of the mom's here described the way she felt as that painting, The Scream. That was real. But what she told me is that, though that imagery of The Scream is a very real part of her life, it does not define her life.

    That helped me.

    Another mom told me to repeat the Serenity Prayer until I got it.

    I still do that.

    Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
    the Courage to change the things I can;
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    Repeat it until it helps you. I do that in the night when I awaken worried, and my thoughts circle around and around awful things.

    You are doing just fine, Feeling. I still have nights when I cannot push away what I know. I am no longer victimized by the trauma of what is happening in the same way because I recognize now, where I am when it begins.

    I fight back, now.

    Clearing useless guilt or shame or remorse is the reason we began Family of Origins threads, Feeling.

    My daughter is 41.

    She has four children.


    And I am so grateful for this site, and for all of you.

    I had to post and post and post, to get where I am, Feeling. The site is anonymous. No one here is going to judge you and if they do, understand they have not been where you are and pray they never know.

    I can't think of anything else to tell you. Hold faith with yourself, and with us. Together here, we have come through.

    Somehow, we have come through it. For the most part, we are still standing.



    Maybe I do have one more story to tell, Feeling. There was a mom here, when I first came to the site, who learned to take the actions we take when we come to understand detachment parenting. (And for each of us, that will be something different.) She made her addicted son leave.

    He died, Feeling.

    She was on the site again for her second child.

    Even after knowing what had happened to his brother, even after watching his mother go through it, the second son had developed an addiction that ruled his life, too.

    She made him leave, Feeling.

    And his was a success story. It took a year, maybe two. Slowly, they built their lives again. She does not post with us here any longer. She does not need to.

    But when she did, we were here.

    (I was Basketcase City at that time. It was the other moms who got her through it.)
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Good Morning All,
    I am in the time zone daze, waking up too early, unable to go back to sleep. There shall be pay back this afternoon for sure. It is okay, I like the quietness of the house, time to reflect before I go to work today. How pleasant it is to come here and see your encouraging posts.
    Yes, Cedar it is a good terminology. For some reason, we have been blessed with these special children. Find the meaning of it, that is what Frankl would say. For me, it means that I have to toughen myself up, to open my eyes wide to see what is. I have two adult children who I love very much, but for now, with the decisions they are making, have chosen to go a different path that makes it impossible to have a relationship with them. Difficult, yet simple. I cannot live their lives for them. They have proven to be a danger to themselves, and a danger to the peace in our home. I will continue to pray for them, to pray that in the darkness they will find their way. The Hawaiians are celebrated navigators, they were so intimate and in tune with their environment, reading the signs all around them that we would miss, due to the distractions of our modern daily lives.I am hoping that my two girls will see the signs and study the stars they need to help navigate them through their storm.

    I think that I got so caught up, so immersed in the whirlpool of it all. I could not see that I was drowning. Mother instinct. We deny ourselves liberties when they are babes, to nurture them. When they were sick, we did everything humanly possible to get them well again.
    Fast forward to the present, our adult children are sick, mental illness, addiction, our mother instinct still in play, somehow, we are convinced by letting go, we fail them, we have failed as mothers. I think that was the part that kept me in the whirlpool, because my G-F-G's fed off of my remorse, regrets, guilt and used that negativity to hold me there. I can still love them from afar, I am now swimming against the current, out of the whirlpool, by loving myself enough to keep myself from drowning, I am demonstrating to them that they should love themselves, too.

    On the outside, looking in. I have witnessed that my G-F-G's despise normalcy. I believe now, that they are truly craving it, but caught up in addiction, cannot attain it. Why should I be caught up in that insidiousness? Do we feel, with mother instinct, if my child is suffering, so shall I? My G-F-G's have chosen a path of degradation, shall I follow after them? Should I not have joy, because my G-F-G's choose to suffer?
    No, I shall become whole, and joyful. My G-F-G's may be on the outside looking in, that is their choice. I will light a candle in the window for them, and show them through my overcoming the losses of their choice, that they can overcome them, too, and make better choices.

    This is the great question Cedar, I used to ask my Dad why people suffer so, his answer was that life was full of good and bad, without the bad, we would not appreciate the good. I don't know if I accept this as of yet. Do we need these challenges, times of desperation, to be able to take in the joy, to relish in the good times?
    I think of it more as a great test of our own strengths and weaknesses. How shall we come out of the fire of loss, how shall we survive? What is the lesson in it, how shall we grow and use the misery of it all, to better ourselves, to strengthen our character, to carry on and live our lives as best we can. Acceptance of what is, acceptance that we have no control of what is to come, we can only control our reactions and response to the tragedy, and try with all of our might to live purposeful lives.

    I have healed much from sharing here, and also reading others stories. I, too, sealed off part of my self, to be able to live the day to day, and to function. What I realize now, that I did not then, is the sealing off was directed towards the wrong person-me. Instead of loving detachment from my G-F-G's, I detached from myself. Over and over, I read and have written- "You are worthy of living a peaceful life, you have value....." Affirmations, positive thought training. In the tragedy of all these posts from others walking similar paths with their G-F-G's, one lesson stands out, the lesson of choice. As our G-F-G's set their paths, we have a choice to remain as is, or to step away and live our own lives. The love for all of our children is constant as the sunshine, but we must learn to love ourselves, too. We are the captains of our own ships, as they are of theirs. We do not need to go "down with their ship".

    Yes Cedar, tis sad, and we are all very strong. If it was our choice, things would be different. I have not lost hope for my G-F-G's, for there is always hope. It is what it is. I do not think I would have come this far, so quickly if it were not for the things I have experienced here, through this site. Site, sight, hindsight, foresight. How tragically beautiful life is my dear friends. And we are STRONG.

    I think I shall start with one all encompassing tradition, to spend more meaningful time with my loved ones who have been waiting in the wings for me to come off the drama stage.
    Thank you for sharing your baklava making. I remember making it once with a friend. It is actually pretty symbolic of life Cedar, the fragility of the pastry, layered with sweet honey.

    I have wanted to try different, healthful recipes, no boxed mixes with their long list of unknown hard to pronounce ingredients. Back to simplicity. Maybe that is the key here as well, to create a more simple life.

    There is so much hurt in "the how" of we all came here. It is not the end, but a new beginning for all of us, as we interact, share and examine the layers of it all. I need to move from the "how" and the "why" to the "what". What am I to do with my life?
    Today, this day in my time zone haze, I am determined to move forward in reclaiming my self, my life. That comes complete with all of the memories, the triumphs, the mistakes, the should haves, would haves, could haves. Acceptance of what was, is and what will be.

    Our flesh is warm and live, seize the day!

  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh my dear Feeling, I do so hope for you that you are able to get to a place beyond this. I read such strength and compassion in your postings, and have been emboldened and lifted by your clever wit. There is something to be said about being in the pit of despair, and being able to carry on with your life, yet, you continue to amaze and inspire.
    I pray for you that you find a way to shed this deep sadness that envelopes you.

    Surely, there is help for your son, beyond what you can do? Forgive me, I should not even write on this, for I have never experienced what you have, nor known what you know. I have a friend whose G-F-G was diagnosed bi-polar. It was a terribly hard life. Her child chose not to take medication as an adult, this made her path even more difficult.

    I am not sure about your not detaching due to your sons illness. My thoughts on this are, what choice do you have? He is an adult, and chooses to deny himself medication. He has threatened your life, and his actions have prevented you from living to the fullest.

    Whatever the case may be, I see from your writings that you are an amazing woman, Feeling.You deserve healing and the ability to have peace. However you find that peace is up to you. I will not judge your path, just know that I am here, hoping the best for you. I pray for you to have real joy. For, if anything, I do know about going through "the motions" to be able to complete necessary day to day responsibilities.

    You are strong, Feeling, so very, very strong. I thank you for sharing your story and helping me to become strong, too.

    You are not alone, we are here.
  14. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Sassy Leafy, formerly known as New Leaf, I am thinking of you. I hope that all goes well tomorrow at your mother's doctor appointment. Your bioclock should be fairly regulated by then...no more 'daze'...is that what you called it? I always seem like I am in a daze, but I digress.

    I was thinking this evening, which I do upon occasion. I use you name almost daily with my students. "How?", do you say. I often ask the students that are beginning to show improvement in a targeted area of their behavior, "Are you turning over a new leaf?" They all know what this means and they take it as the highest compliment.

    That is what you are doing Leafy...er...New Leaf. You are embarking on a wonderful new life full of positive behaviors. Your response to other behaviors is evolving and thus, their behaviors are improving, at times, because of this change, i.e. standing resolutely up against your sister.

    Hmmm...New Leaf is turning over a 'new leaf'. New Leaf to the second power....exponentially better!!!

    In all of our thoughts and prayers. RRRROOOOAAAARRRR...squared!
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  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    New Leaf, on allrecipes.com and if you google them on other sites, there are recipes for your own diy cake mixes, baking mix (think Bisquick), spice mixes, etc.

    I have begun to do this, too. Even without pre-made mixes scratch cakes, for example, often are no more time-consuming then mixes, I find. I do not like anymore the taste of cake mixes or bottled salad dressings. I make salad dressing fresh every day, usually with olive oil, balsamic, kosher salt, garlic (a lot) and dijon mustard. It takes me maybe 1 minute max, and then I let it sit for a half hour or so.
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  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure exactly, Copa. It has something to do with working into the living parts of me, the parts that were/are ashamed. It's as though I have accepted what is, but left some of me out in the coldness.

    Maybe, it is a process like that, Copa. We accept a little at a time.

    It is very hard to give up a dream. Or to accept that this is the dream and not judge ourselves for how different it looks than we believed it would.

    I think what it is, is that we are so certain of the dream, when the kids are little. We don't even question it. So, it's like there is a template of a future that never was, but when I get to that age, or to that place in my life (like becoming a grandmother) one of the hardest things is to accept what is and feel gratitude.

    This is a good way to see. Even if I cannot name the meaning, believing there is meaning can surely enable a higher, more caring response. We post on P.E. sometimes that learning how to love a Gift from God child requires a whole different understanding of what loving a child is.

    It helps me to see it this way.

    Then, I can see myself in process, and not as having failed at something so important to me.


    We are preparing to leave, everyone. Time is short, and I cannot post at my usual length. I appreciate each of you for sticking with me through them. It matters very much to me, that you do; that we witness for one another, here. So, just to let everyone know my postings for the next few days will be sporadic and then, I will be offline for a week or so.

    Take care, everyone, and I will do the same.

  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Where are you going Cedar? Have a wonderful journey-your posts will be missed. Take care dear friend.
    By the way, Wizard of Oz is one of my favorites!
    click,click,click-there's no place like home.

    Maybe home is not just a place, but a feeling of peace within ourselves?
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  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    We go South in Winter, Leafy. We will leave Saturday morning, and if all goes well, should arrive late Sunday afternoon.

    So, of course, being that our time is so short now, the kitchen sink backed up last night. Not only did it back up, but explosively so, spewing water everywhere from some pipe that leads to the rest of the plumbing. And is doing its spewing from under the sink. This morning, D H rented a snake. This is a long, coiled wire one uses to clear plumbing. So, we have spent the past hour or so screwing around with an electric snake that did not attend to the clog either and if anything, made it worse.

    A plumber is coming tomorrow.

    Apparently certain I have some mystical connection to the plumbing under the kitchen sink, D H has been speaking in abrupt, declarative sentences with an amazing number of highly descriptive action verbs.

    And to think that all these years, I have believed the only other language D H knew was a smattering of Italian.


    So, I am going to go and clean the kitchen, now. And the walls, and the appliances, and the floor.

    For heaven's sake.


    One more thing. So, remember the post about apples and pie making? D H picked the apples just minutes before the kitchen drain, for reasons all its own and having nothing, mystical or otherwise, to do with me, erupted. And just now, as he was leaving to return that stupid electric snake, D H tossed over his shoulder: "An apple pie would be nice."

    Sort of implying that the least I could do, having messed up the plumbing in some mystic and intentional way, would be to make us a nice apple pie from those apples he not only grew, but had to pick all by himself because I am on the computer too much and need to get a life.

    As D H did not use descriptive verbs in making his request, I am actually considering this.


    I just thought this would be a funny little true story to add to the beautiful one about how our house smells of apple and cinnamon in the Fall.

    Today, chances are good that my house will carry the scents of apple and cinnamon, again. Only in today's version of the apple pie story, we will add the scent of kitchen drain matter.

  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    OK. I will figure it out. We will hear from you only sporadically this week, and then, for a week or so, not at all. We will miss you Cedar. Be safe. D H be safe.

    It will be hard for D H to leave his mother. I just thought about that. Winter and Spring will make a difference. He must be in agony, Cedar.

    I am thinking about our children. How it is for me to have my son call me to tell me he wishes he were not alive. That he feels no way out of his agony. He cannot envision a future for himself. I guess that is the pain to which you refer.

    And then last night, I said to M: We cannot have SON Visit us when we go cross country because I cannot take responsibility for how he acts (he cannot tolerate being near people, in a supermarket line, for example).

    And M answered: "He cannot come to visit cross country for you. You cannot bear it. Your health."

    And if I were to feel what that really means, there would be pain. But I cannot really feel what is unbearable. So I will not.

    I do not know the answer, Cedar.
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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Poor D H. It is not his week. Of all the things to happen. Perhaps D H holds you responsible because it is your kitchen, Cedar.
    Now, I know you make a fantastic apple pie. And I would love the recipe. That said, you know what I do? I cook the apples down a little bit on the stove first, with the spices and a little butter and water.

    Except lately I am making the impossible french apple pie, with extra spices and so easy. It is so good. I make the impossible custard, and coconut custard ones, too. Like 2 minutes. I make one with rice custard, too, that M loves. I love to bake.

    Of course you will make the pie, Cedar.