Was told not to bring difficult child back to school.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Dec 23, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    15 minutes before I was going to pick him up, they called. Again, I don't even know what set it off.

    All I know is he went berserk. Ran from the teacher, hittings and spitting and yelling profanities, and iced the cake by kicking down a 2 year old girl, twice.

    When I got there to pick him up, the "bad" teacher had him isolated in another room and was having to restrain him (she was apparently the only one there strong enough to handle him and he was destroying things ~ given the situation, I can accept this - we are in the middle of an ice storm and they are short staffed.)

    But I was told they don't want him back, even if the director will allow him back, they don't want him. They can't handle him, he needs more intensive care than they can give.

    She told me he chooses to not do the right thing and she knows it makes me angry that she won't bend for him, but she just can't have one student doing something different than the rest of the class - they just can't. I told her what frustrated me is that she is insisting on re-inventing the wheel and not accepting to use the tools that we KNOW will work with him and prevent him from escalating in the first place; that she won't accept that "just be stricter" doesn't work for him and continuously tries to prove that it will.

    So now he is wailing that he will never see his school again. I don't know what the heck to do, they haven't scheduled the IEP evaluation yet at public school, and he may have no place to go come Jan 5. The director has not called me to tell me he can't come back yet, either, so it may not be "official", but if this is the opinion of the staff, how do I send him back, even if she will let him?

    If I don't hear from the director by noon tomorrow, I will call her at home. Otherwise, I half expected this, but that never takes the sting away. Ever.
  2. Transparent

    Transparent New Member

    Yeah, stricter never works for my difficult child either. If she has the tools to use to help him and refuses to use them, sounds to me like the wrong one is being punished here.

    *hugs* I'm so sorry.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    What a load of crap! SO if he was blind and deaf or autistic or [fill in any other handicap] and required special accommodations, she would not "bend" to help him?!!!

    I'm sorry -- is this a private school? Because if it's a public school, they cannot just say don't come back ever.
  4. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Get an advocate!!!!! NOW. Mine earned his money twice over by now. You have given them the tools to work with him, but they refuse to use them. Well, then, what did they expect??? Request an immediate meeting so that he misses fewer days. On the other hand, maybe you'll find a school better equiped to support and educate him......

    Good luck.
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so very sorry. I can't count the babysitters and day cares that told me my daughter couldn't come back but at least I knew most of these people were trying to use the tools. It hurts.

    I hope the director has some suggestions. If nothing else, the public school would have to take him on the 5th even without an IEP. I tried a private school for first grade for my daughter. It really didn't work. They didn't have to follow my suggestions and an IEP was out of the question.

  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I agree with Nancy, get an advocate!! Call your local Student Advocacy Board they will help you. I have used them in the past. They are lawyers who advocate for students. They work on a sliding fee scale. They will get you what you need.

    Not bending is absolutely ridiculous!!!!! Does this dope know that he has special needs? That should constitute bending!!! Nothing worse than a stupid teacher. All that money she paid to go to college and for what?????

    Good luck. :)
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. That is an unforgiveable thing to say in front of a child, esp one she MUST know is afraid of her. Ask her for me if she got her Holly Jollies speaking that way in front of him? And how many other times she got her Holly Jollies speaking to him or some other child - because he is NOT the only child afraid of her. He is just the one who can hide it the least.

    I really know you have tried to make this school work, but it hasn't been for a while. If this is the private Montessori I am thinking it is, she is violating just about EVERY one of the Montessori teachings I have ever been taught. If not Montessori, she is still violating most educational theories, and heck, if she was treating a DOG like that someone would come give her a ticket and TAKE THE DOG AWAY.

    Demand your tuition back. Homeschool until you can find a public school you are comfortable in.

    Private schools are great with kids in that narrow "normal" niche. They do not have, or need to have, resources to handle kids like ours. Public schools are required to ahve them, and you have legal resources if they do not and/or refuse to handle our kids appropriately.

    I am so sorry.

    Please reassure your wee difficult child that she is really the Grinch of All Year - and he is special because he SAW her green skin and how she kicked that poor doggie until it was afraid of her - just like he is afraid of her - but he let his fear OUT and now Mommy knows.

    Teachers like this make me furious. She has had more than ample time to just get out of his way. She seems to instigate him into bad behavior, almost like it is her "mission" to get him out of "her" school. Is there any chance this has been going on behind the scenes?? Director who won't stand up to her won't stand up for you either.

    I am sorry someone treated your baby like that, and at this time of extending good cheer and happiness to others. She is the Grinch!
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so sorry Shari. This teacher seems more and more unprofessional to me all the time. Is this a public school? Is he on an iep? If yes to both of these, they really have to try a lot of methods before they can place him in a different "special" school, unless they convince you that you have to agree- and you sign to agree. I think you should post some of the specifics about the situation, including the answers to the questions I asked, in the Special Education forum. Yes, do start looking for an advocate now, too. Many places are open until noon tomorrow.

    I'm so sorry you you and him- that was such an unprofessional way to handle things and just blab that out to you right before Christmas- and him. It really hoovers. Warrior moms here will help...and by the way, you get new warrior armour for Christmas!!!
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Thanks for the new armour. I need it.

    This is a private school. Actually, Montessori school. We've been having trouble with this teacher for some time, but I have been working with the director to try to work it out (while at the same time getting the ball rolling with the public school). However, it sounds like the staff has been having their own conversations. Its been slow going, but we've been making progress with it, I think, by distancing him from the problem teacher, etc. The problem is that he's almost traumatized by her very presence now. I don't think we can fix that.

    I put a call in to DevPed, as the PRN's aren't even working. I also called the BT, hopefully she can help me with damage control, as he's very down on himself that he'll never see his school and friends again. And, as I said, I still don't know what set him off.

    I exchanged words with this teacher tonight, tho. I managed to maintain my composure, but let her know, in no uncertain terms, that while difficult child is a difficult child, she had options to deal with difficult child that she chose to ignore, and for that, I DO blame her.

    I guess there is a remote possiblity that this will be the final straw for this teacher and they will get rid of her; however, I'm not holding my breath.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, in my opinion it's a blessing in disguise. There is much more for him at a public school than a private one. He sounds like he could be on the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum and if he is he would need public school services. In fact, when was he tested last? Has he seen a neuropsychologist recently?
    I'm sorry he was kicked out of school, but in my opinion Montessori is too non-structured for many of our kids. They tend to need a hands-on teacher and a strict routine. My oldest went to Montesorri. I sort of remember what it was like.
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I've been working to get the IEP evaluation going. However, when I last met with our SD, they refused a 1-on-1. They have 26 kids per classroom with 1 floating aid between 5 rooms, and they think this will be enough. Uh, no.

    They argue that there is "stigma" with a 1-on-1.

    In that regard, this school is a much better choice; but right now neither one is good.

    He has had 2 neuropsyche evaluations at "the best there is" - the first was 2 years ago and they didn't even complete half of it because they couldn't keep up with him. The latest took place in April after the psyche and the BT refused to back off the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. They fought to get him into social skills group and the center who provides the service is the same center that his DevPed is in, and she refused to allow him into the program because she does not agree with the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. So she ordered another neuropsyche, which I agreed to ont he conditions that it be a FULL exam, not just limited to looking at Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) traits, and that they talk to the menthal health team prior to it, so they would understand why the MH team sees the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) traits. Neither happened.

    I am trying to get him into a neuropsyche in another state, but the waiting list everywhere is about 18 months.

    So if he goes to public school, he goes with ADHD diagnosis. Not enough to give him a 1-on-1.

    There are 2 teachers at the Montessori school who have NEVER had an issue with him - EVER. 2 others that try really hard and get along for the most part with occassional bobbles. The atmosphere actually works really well for him if we can get the teachers to buy into it - they need to read him and respond appropriately, apply the "baskets", etc, and some on the staff flat refuse.

    Honestly, I feel unless I can get him a 1-on-1 at school, he's experience with public school will be like his experience with the staff that won't buy into tools to deal with him, and while I'll have some "legal" backing, all the laws in the world won't help a difficult child who has to fail again before he gets help. And that's currently how they want to approach it.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2008
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Interesting...I also got a call from the BT this morning, before all this took place. She just called to tell me that she and psyche agree that the autism center's dismissal of difficult child's problems is allowing him to fall thru the cracks, and they are supporting my decision to find other eyes to look at him. They both still beleive he is dealing with at least some form of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

    It was a nice boost for the day, until things crashed at 3:45.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh, she's good. She's darn good at talking herself out of trouble. The cow!

    Shari, despite your being forewarned that she is incredibly manipulative (directed to protecting herself from the consequences of her own actions), she's still conning you. And if she can con you, the child's mother, then she can REALLY con other staff.

    I say she's conning you, because you said "she was apparently the only one there strong enough to handle him and he was destroying things ~ given the situation, I can accept this - we are in the middle of an ice storm and they are short staffed."

    You shouldn't accept this, because you had given directives to the school that she must stay away from him. He has been previously, repeatedly traumatised by her, he is likely to react badly to her mere presence (you've seen this yourself) and here she was, with her hands on your child!

    Why was it necessary for your child to be restrained? What went on before?

    I strongly suspect that if this were my child, and I found a teacher who I knew had it in for my child was actually in a room with my child with her hands on him, I'd start throwing things around myself. Starting with the teacher herself. That [unprintable] cow!

    I think the reason she is still at this school, is because she DOES have good history (you said before, she founded this school?) and they don't want to throw it all away for what they perceive to be a difficult child.

    HOWEVER - I think she has blotted her copybook well and truly; she's in fact upset the ink pot all over it, it's not just a blot.

    To say that in front of him - sheer spite, pure venom, highly inappropriate.

    Your poor kid - he is just a kid, he is a kid with problems you're still struggling to get identified, he needs his IEP in place and followed through with; YOU deserve better from this school, than to have this teacher in the same room as your son when you've asked for this to not happen. They have disrespected you and your child both, by not keeping this creep away from your son.

    So they're short-handed? HOW short-handed? Even if she was the only teacher in the school, she shouldn't have laid hands on him. Some kids benefit form holding; some do not. For some kids, it will set them off much worse.

    This teacher has a history of escalating things with difficult child. You need to find out what happened before, because I strongly suspect she has done it again - escalated things with difficult child, purely to trigger such a situation so she can justify throwing your son out. If he goes, then so do all the disciplinary issues because she then is vindicated.

    That said, is it worth the continual struggle with this school, if it is taking its toll on him with no concession given (despite assurances)?

    I would keep fighting, even if you choose to send him elsewhere. Your child has been traumatised, they had been warned that this was not good and she was bad for him - they allowed this last incident to happen. I would put this one entirely on the school - their fault, completely. She should have stayed away from your son. If he grabbed the scissors and threatened to commit hari kari with them - she shouldn't go near him, she should pick up the phone and call an ambulance, after someone ELSE has told her, because she shouldn't even be near enough to him to know what has happened.

    Oooh, she makes me so angry!

  14. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Im so sorry. I hate seeing that in some places this still happens this way.....we tried so hard here to change things for the better here....I brought i, at MY expense so many professionals to try to help our school "get it" etc.
    And actually, yes, my SONs issues are not behavioral and not mental illness and even him they said the same things.we cannot let your (blind) son use books on tape becuz we dont let the OTHER kids use them. HUH?
    Yup its all carp.
    yes it landed us in due process, yes, it ended with me homeschooling 2 of my kids, and it is SO unfair, so NOT right. and yes, I still have to pay my outrageous property taxes to fund our school- our district with the worst drop ut rate, the worset shove out rate and the highest $ amount spent per student for most of the country.

    Ironically, if given just the tiniest little bit of respect and "give"...my kids have high IQs and are very smart and very kind decent people. They have huge potential.

    In hindsight, recently, due to the large amount of school violence here recently-and the surge in violent crimes, our 2,000 student HS has had 2 murders, 8 bomb threats, and 6 ? suicides just this school year so far.......I now have days when I am glad my kids are NOT mingleing there in the school. My thoughts are now changeing from "Im homeschooling becuz our district would not do right by my disabled kids to more of Im homeschooling my kids cuz its a jungle out there, and it scares ME. And I dont want my kids haveing those ways of behaveing being modeled to them.

    Im so sad about all these kids, pretty soon, the rate its going, there wont be any kids left at schools for teachers to have in classroooms,......all the kids will have been expelled or outplaced or whatever.
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't think I can send him back even if I want to. This school really did have a lot to offer difficult child, but I think what we had left that I had hoped to salvage was lost today. The primary teacher that works so well with him, she had a nifty little "trick" when difficult child didn't want to work, she'd have him help the younger students, which he loves to do. It was a really good way to get him to work without him even being aware of it.

    But at this point, the only way I could send him back would be some sort of provision that can gaurantee if one of the 2 teachers that work well with him are there and with him ALL THE TIME - and only them. Period. Come hell or high water. And I don't see that happening.

    I should have been called when those teachers left today. That is what should have happened.

    I do know that the "bad" teacher was not present when he escalated - tho I have yet to find out what and who did escalate him. The reason I say I was ok with her restraining him is because the male teacher and another teacher had both tried and could not and he was physically attacking younger students. No, its not ok that she touched him; but I guess I would rather have her restraining him than him hurting 2 year olds, which is what he was continually attempting to do, and spitting on them when he got them down. They did attempt to get the other kids out of his way, but were unable to get them to comply, and he has been so volatile lately, they were in harm's way.

    I am not sure where we will go at this point. I don't think we can go back there, but we can't go to public yet, either, cause without a 1-on-1, it will be the same scenario - until he fails, blows up, beats the sh*t out of someone, and gets a reputation - then they'll give him the 1-on-1, but in my humble opinion, that's too late - the damage is done. I just don't know.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2008
  16. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    At least at a public school you would have a chance to get an IEP and BIP and they could not just kick him out. Maybe when they actually have him in a classroom they will see how much he needs the 1:1. It is worth a shot at this point.
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm coming in late on thisI just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened today. Definitely not something you needed to deal with right at the holidays! Hugs, ML
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. That teacher is horrible and has no business teaching. Besides the director is there any one else to report her to? I am sitting here fuming with you.

    The fact that the public schools don't want to provide a 1 on 1 also angers me. It truly shouldn't be this hard to get our kids the help they need.

    Hugs to you and your difficult child.
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The one good thing out of all this is that I can probably get 3/4 of the staff at the Montessori school to testify that he NEEDS a 1-on-1. But the director won't, and that's gonna hurt the cause.
  20. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I certainly understand the position. So sad. Even if it were public school.whatever school it is-was.....well, our due process hearing officer said this to us.....(which of course pertains to PUBLIC school- but parts of it pertain to anyone anywhere)
    If the school does not want your child there, and hey they have made themself VERY clear for years and years.....even IF I could wave a magic wand and force them suddenly and magically to obey every letter of the law for YOUR child.which if they were ever going to do, they would have done at some point over all thee years.....the school would STILL not be able to hide their disdain, their disgust, their true feelings for your child. THey are still not going to treat your child properly. even if they do suddenly obey the law, it will still be obvious and clear how they feel about your child, and that is just not fair to any human being.....especially a child. esepcially a child in school where law requires them to be with NO option on attending.
    There just sadly and maddeningly comes a time when.....the entire thing just has to change completely and totally.
    It is so very wrong, it is so unfair, it is so not right......but sometimes things do just reach that point.
    It is so hard becuz we as parents have to hold up our end and send our kids to be educated.....and then some schools are NOT equipped, and some are but have their own agendas, ideas, priorities etc......their own issues, problems, deficiencies, mindsets, opinions. and it is our kids who get hurt.....our kids left falling thru cracks.....our kids left without a proper and decent education or all the experiences socially of being a student going to school. (my 2 kids ache so much for lost extra curricular, holidays events, sports events etc and a sense of "belonging" to part of our community)
    Its so sad. and so angering. and so hurtful.to our kids and to our community. If my kids do not get a proper education, how can they be prepared to become independant adults?