We found something that works!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jamieh, Feb 3, 2013.

  1. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    I have had a really hard time disciplining my oldest son. Nothing seems to work. So I started telling him that all of his actions have a reaction and it can be good or bad. He was really ugly to his vision therapist last week, so in the car I explained to him that because of his behavior he would have a consequence. I didn't allow him to watch the dvd player on the way home and sent him to clean the playroom when we got home and he lost all privileges of choosing what to watch on tv. He didn't have a meltdown...He didn't whine and not do it. He accepted responsibility and apologized for his behavior. I was kind of in shock. So I took a mason Jar and filled it with- slips of paper that have consequences on them. Every one has something like 'clean baseboards in living room---go to bed 15min early' or '5min timeout---lose tv privileges'. I sat him down and explained exactly how it worked. If we tell him to do something and he says 'no' or whines he gets a consequence from the jar. If he acts out in public or is naughty...if he hits his brother or calls names he gets a consequence. IT HAS WORKED WONDERS. He has been so much easier to deal with at home. He has only had to pull from the jar once. It was the first time he has went to time out without a tantrum...EVER. It's like explaining the whole thing to him turned on a light bulb and he GETS it now. I wish I had thought of this sooner. All I have heard from him lately is 'yes Ma'am.' Which is a nice change from the norm!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ummm.... if it's THAT simple... he's probably not Aspie!!
    But... like most of us, your kid doesn't come with a manual. All we can do is try stuff... use what works and toss out the rest.
  3. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    lol I am hoping it keeps being THAT simple. He isn't like *perfect* since I started this but he is def listening and following directions better. But I just started this last week. I just thought I'd share...Seems like explaining that his behavior has consequences really helped. I guess I just worded it more to his understanding. He is very literal and you have to make sure that you don't use any phrases that don't really make sense. He doesn't understand them and will correct you that it does not make sense lol His therapist called him 'son' and he said 'I'm not your son...I am my mommy's son...my daddy's son. My daddy is my granny's son...' She was in shock. lol
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Having it written down may also be part of it.
    The "literal" stuff is... typical of an Aspie.

    Maybe you just have an atypical non-neurotypical kid? (won't be the first one... join the club!)
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Neat idea!
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Do you have a reward jar, too? For when he does really well to reinforce the really good behavior?
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thats's a great idea!
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's wonderful. This tells you so much about his learning style! You used direct teaching, spelling out how life works out for him. This is one of the basic teaching tools in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) (and other disorders where kids don't pick up things incidentally or sometimes when.in situations where theres too much noise or language going on. But its classic for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) programs ).

    As life continues, if there are times this particular jar discipline method doesn't work, remember that he may need direct teaching to learn the skill he is not using well/yet or to understand why his behavior is unacceptable. Many times our kids will do a consequence but not change behaviors because the consequence doesn't teach the missing skill. So just be ready to add that step for resistant behaviors. The other thing I think you lucked out on is his not having a meltdown in the car. My son had increasingly challenging car rides and even became dangerous grabbing me from behind and pounding the car. I have to still use child safety locks. It's rare now because a) we have a service dog that distracts him in the car and b) I never deal with behavioral issues or schedule change info etc. in the car.
    It's so hard to not want to start sending the message right that minute that I'm upset and he needs a consequence. I usually prep him when we are nearly home bedore he leaves the car, that when we get home we need to talk. I get to a point sometimes where I give several consequences and the kid has nothing to be good for! It never turns out well for us at those times.

    You did well having him DO something which teaches him restitution (would be great to.think of something directly related to the situation like an apology picture/letter drawn for.the therapist). I found that doing something helped my son learn more and didn't cause him to upset his routine at home (if I say no tv for example after he has planned for days which shows he is watching then there is a whole other issue here, but thats because what he watches on TV relates to his high interest area. ) Each kid is.different. I'm just sharing our experience in case you face situations in the future where this doesn't work for everything. It will depend on how rigid he is, how much he understands, or the appropriate skills he already knows.

    So the big test will be when you go next time. If he was just being a stinker (which all kids do sometimes, even our differently wired kids) then he will likely do better if he wants to avoid a consequence. If she was challenging his system (afterall he's there due to deficits) and he doesnt know how to identify or express that OR if her directions were overwhelming to him, or.she changed the order of how she did tasks, etc.....well then she may need cues from you about how to structure sessions to match his learning style. For example, making a visual chart of what they are going to do and after he checks off two (for example) the next thing on the list is a little reward or "his choice " or whatever ...then check that off and go to the next task. If you notice she uses lots of words while he is trying to do a task remind her to use few words. Try to make any behavior plan a reward based plan based on specific behaviors rather than what to do if he doesnt follow directions or is disrespectful. People would say to q he was in trouble for being disrespectful at a young age when he didn't recognize different tones of voice meant things, when he just imitated how people spoke to him, when he didn't connect events to consequences, etc. Learning these things takes time. Being specific like when you don't want to do X say.....Y and then practice the voice tone can help.

    Also, over the years, we found out that certain smells like coffee breath or smoke smell or strong perfume would make my son uncooperative...other smells actually calmed him..... if she smelled like lunch or things we wouldn't mind, it could bug him.

    Just tossing ideas. Hopefully he was just having a bad day and will do great with little prompting.

    Your direct and concrete method was so great. Mommy instincts rule! You are a great match for your son. Its not always so automatic to get how they think (for me anyway)

    (Gosh this post brought lots of memories up....no wonder we're all tired with all the mental energy we have to put into being one step ahead...always thinking if I do this we can avoid that......etc.)
  9. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    That is a GREAT idea! I will make one today! Thanks :)
  10. Jamieh

    Jamieh New Member

    Buddy-- I think a lot of the reason for his misbehaving was because it was a diff. therapist. He was expecting to see the one he had before...so was I. And he was pretty upset when I took him back. She was also having him do things he struggles with. Standing on one foot was one and he cannot do it without falling down. His muscle tone is really low as well as joint pressure. He is kind of like a noodle sometimes. He falls down constantly. His vision is really bad. He wears glasses but one eye turns in so his depth perception is off like a lot. So I think it was a combination of all of that and him being a little bit of a stinker too. I am hoping this week goes better. I hope the Jar works for a while. I am trying to be optimistic. lol And he has never really had meltdowns in the car. We are in the car...A LOT. So a lot of our conversations about our schedule take place while in the car. I am always picking up and dropping off and heading to appointments. My youngest has Speech 3 times a week and goes to dev. preschool. I feel like I live in my car...