Well, we're through

[nvts]

Apparently AH has decided that we're through. What bugs me the most is that I can't get a straight answer as to what finalized things. Not that I care, it's just that the kids have started saying that they think he's being "less of a jerk" and they want him home.

This whole summer stunk out loud. They fought, hit, tried to drown one another, multiple er runs, a hospitalization, cops, ambulances, in-home services, IEP's, kids in my bed EVERY BLOODY NIGHT (the one night they stayed out, the dog threw up on my bedroom rug), my family has been no where to be found (except my Dad and mother in law-BFF), I need tires for the car and an oil change, I still haven't house trained Furb (the blind puppy aka "my stalker"), AND I have not been alone for 2 years.

I am fried, like a piece of mozzarella cheese.

Have you ever felt like you are absolutely tired of putting on your game face, being brave, standing up for injustice and just wanted to sit in a corner and cry?

I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE!!!

Ladies: I think I've finally hit the wall.

Now in the eternally wise words of Bartles and James: "Thank you for your support."

Going to bed, it's the first day of school tomorrow and I've got to work on my game face.

Beth

 

[klmno]

I'm sorry Beth. Who knows what he has going thru his mind- the best benefit of the doubt I can give him is that he's going thru his own emotional roller-coaster ride right now. Have you talked to a therapist to get some of this off your chest before you become a time bomb? (Not that you'd go off on the kids- just that it would make anyone a time bomb, I would think.) I'm sure the kids are having their own adjustments and just want everything to become "a perfect world" so the stress from all of it must be completely overwhelming for you. Is he taking the kids a couple of days here and there to give them time together...and give you time alone? If not, I think I'd start working on that goal immediately- he hasn't caused you reason to be concerned about him being with the kids, has he? As long as he hasn't, I think I'd be really focusing on the concept that just because you two might not stay together, he's still responsible for these kids, too, and needs to be pulling 50% of the weight- whether that's dr appts, meetings at sd, taking them shopping for school supplies, whatever. You cannot do it all and don't let him think he can walk away and shrug all this responsibility. Even if he's paying CS, there's more to being a parent than that, as you know. Let him spend his weekend off work with all the kids and you not there a couple of times and see if he's not willing to talk after that.....

 

[Jena]

Beth i am so sorry, i've been gone for sooo long and had no clue. I was a single parent for ten years and it's hard, hard to adjust to initially bigtime.......

get some rest things always look better in the a.m. after some sleep. listen if anyone can do it you can!!! You just need some sleep so you can put your cape back on in the morning Super Woman!!

good luck with-tmrw i hope it's dramaless first day back at school.

((((Hugs)))))

p.s. it gets better though, it truly does......

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry things are so rough. Is there not any way at least the older kids cannot spend a couple of nights with him? What happened to shared parenting? Isn't that usually the court order? Here it is ordered that the kids are with each parent half the time. If one parent doesn't want that time the judges penalize them heavily. I am so sorry that he is such a dipstick and an AH.

do whatever you need to to get time to recharge your batteries. Do you have a good attorney who could force $$ out of him to pay for respite for you? Or push him to have the kids for a couple of nights a week? None of them will want to go, or like it at first, but if you don't get some time to take care of yourself you are going to wind up in the hospital with a stroke or other major problem!

Take care of yourself however you can. Love you and wish I could help more. Are the kids at least back in school?

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Beth...hugs. More hugs. And still more.

See what you can do to get AH to keep the kids at least twice a week, but I know how that can go. Or not go. been there done that.

Do whatever you can for you, somehow. Easier said than done with kids velcroed to your butt...I remember those days, and I only had one velcroed! Hope tomorrow is a stress-free, drama-free, Beth-gets-time-to-breathe first day of school.

 

[tiredmommy]

Sending a big, supportive {{{hug}}} to you. I wish I were closer to help out so you could get a break....

 

[JJJ]

((((Hugs))))

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I totally understand! Mine is called bonehead and since the summer of 04 when we separated, he's only had the kids overnight once and that was just difficult child when I took easy child to New York about 5 or 6 years ago! I went away once more on my own and he came and stayed here for three nights. That's it! Twice he's had the children for more than 60 or 90 minutes in six years! The biggest difference though was that my easy child was old enough to stay with difficult child for about an hour back then.

Can you ask him to come to the house and then you go away for the weekend? If you can't afford some hotel alone time, perhaps a visit with family?

Hang in there. You will develop some kind of structured system that works for family.

Sharon

 

[DaisyFace]

Beth--

I read your post and I thought to myself, well....in that same situation, who WOULDN'T want to crawl into and cry?

I think you need to give yourself a break and stop trying to be so "tough" all the time. Cry, scream, punch a pillow....have an ENORMOUS bowl of ice cream with all the toppings...let it all out.

Sending big (((((hugs))))) - and some pity for your party...I think you need it.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Beth}}} I'm so sorry you've got that 'up against the wall' feeling. I know what that feels like as well as the others.

One tricky thing will be to find a way to explain to the kiddos that part of the reason that Dad isn't so much of a jerk anymore is because you live in separate homes. At some point they will accept that they can still have a loving relationship with Dad, albeit, in separate homes. It is a tough thing, it really is, and it's sad.

As for you - you really need to put away your game face for a minute and find ways to get some alone time. Whether your dad, mother in law/bff, or soon to be exh takes them for a day, a night, a weekend, or whatever...you need to be able to enjoy being home alone for a bit now and then. Perhaps you could find a parent of one of the kids' friends to start a cooperative kid sitting service for one another. You take theirs for a day, she takes yours for a day, etc. I'm sure there are other parents out there who would love a day or evening alone but can't afford a sitter.

Now that the kiddos are back in school, will you be able to find time to train Furb? Is there a local vocational school nearby where you can have your oil changed for cheap (sometimes free!). I know that most tire places do not have refurbished tired like they did in the old days, however, maybe it would be worth it to get a SEARS card just for this purpose and then pay it off? They have SEARS service centers that do tires and everything else. Just a thought.

Is stbexh giving you support of any kind? Is it regular? Have you arranged for any type of visitation and overnight visits for the children? I would be all over that asap. If too much time passes without these things in place, you're setting a precedent.

Many many hugs.

 

[Fran]

What you are living with is an absolute soul draining existence. It's amazing you are still standing. One advantage is that husband has his own place. Set up a routine that he has the kids either every other night or every other weekend and one night a week. He wants divorced, then he needs to act as a single parent and take up some of the slack.

No matter what you do, the kids are going to be upset about dad being away. Nothing you can say or do will make that go away. All you can do is remind them that you love them and that they will be cared for. Try not to be negative. Read up on how to help kids through a divorce. Maybe try therapy for the kids and for you if possible.

Rebuilding your life and home without husband is traumatic for anyone. Give yourself the chance to feel bad and angry. Deep down, you married this man because you loved him. It has to be a disappointment that this went wrong.
Hugs.

 

[Shari]

Huge hugs, Beth. I so wish I had a way to truly help.

 

[shellyd67]

Beth I wish I could help you in some way. I have mentioned in many threads I wish we all lived close by to help eachother out. I send you lots of good thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself darlin' ((((HUGS))))

 

[Star*]

Well..........WHY do you have to keep your game face on? WHY reach for Bartles and James? WHY NOT hit the wall? Not literally of course, but are you not human? Isn't it okay to allow your children to see that when someone breaks your heart it's allowable to hurt, to cry, to have a range of emotions that show Mom is human? Mom is not a robot, Mom is not SUPER-human, Mom is not unfeeling. Mom is....Mom. You're a real person with real feelings and you smile, you laugh, you get angry and you've been teaching your children for YEARS that it's okay to laugh when something is funny, it's OKAY to be angry as long as you respond appropriately to anger - so why not cry when something HURTS ...YOU?

Jheesze Louise - I think the first time my son ever knew that I was even slightly NOT a cyborg was the night I literally fell against the wall after about 15 years of NOT crying, NOT showing frustration, NOT allowing anything out and slumped against the wall and sobbed so hard I threw up. I was in the hallway, I couldn't stop - I walked outside to try to stop it, didn't happen. I laid across our swing and just sobbed into a towel. After I left my ex NVTS? I didn't cry for over 10 years...not a tear. If I cried? I got beat. HE would give me something to cry ABOUT. That night? It was a release. I'm not saying it was a 'healthy' cry, but it was good. Good for my family to see that "hey yeah, Mom is a person, and she hurts, and she feels, and she does bleed when you jab her." I wasn't weak - I was HUMAN.

One of the hardest things for me to understand and allow myself in therapy was letting go of my edge - my hard edge. See I thought if I let the world see any part of me that had compassion, was nice, could be kind, giving or loving? Then I would be walked on again like I was in my marriage. I would loose that "mother bear" ability to be swift and whitty and sharp. I was so worried about it I had anxiety attacks IN therapy over thinking that therapy was going to create a whole other set of problems FOR me. That once I did XYZ, I would have ABC to deal with because NOW I had lost my hard exterior I worked so hard to keep. Well sister.....I'm telling ya - Now not only am I nice, and kind, and compassionate - but I didn't loose a nickles worth of whatever my little twisted brain perceives as "my edge." (perhaps it's that slight potty mouth or sharp whit when dealing with the dregs of humanity or the abilty to stay one step ahead or my Spidey sense) anyway - What I learned by allow myself the space to let go? Was that I didn't fall apart ----even when I did it in front of people. And the ones that laugh at me when I cry? Yeah I can still reach over with a 'sweet word' or two and they are left picking up their kiesters while I'm walking away having learned detachment 101....not really caring how they glue it back together.

Wish I was there? You could cry for three hours and I'd just putz around your house cleaning and cooking and laundrying - saying "I think it's time everyone gave Mom space, things are going to change from here on out."

So......HUGS.

Love - Star

 

[Hound dog]

(((((hugs)))))

Remove the game face for a while and let yourself have a good cry.

You've been amazing through all of this.........but if they won't leave you alone for even a few minutes to let your hair down........then take them anyway.

I'm really bad with the game face........but have as I've grown older found it is important to remove it once in a while.

 

[TerryJ2]

{{{{hugs}}}}
Nothing else I can add. It all hoovers.

 

[susiestar]

The game face has to go away for a while. It is fine in front of those who don't know you well, or at times when you have to pull off some amazing feat. It is not fine to wear all the time.

Others encourage you to let the kids see you are a real person who gets hurt.

I am going to take it a bit farther. It is YOUR JOB as a mother to teach your kids how to be adults. You have to show them that it is okay, important, and natural to cry and break down when you are hurt badly. Otherwise how will they be able to handle their feelings when they are adults? IF they see that you can handle everything and never get upset, they are going to believe that in order to be a good enough parent or adult, they cannot cry or get upset or be unable to cope for a while. I don't think that is what you want for them.

Show them that mommies cry too, and that the world does NOT end if a mom cries and/or can't handle something, or asks for help.

It will make ALL of you healthier and happier.

Those kids are blessed to have you.

 

[mstang67chic]

Hugs.

 

[ML]

I am so sorry. This is such a difficult time. The only good thing is that, as it was Fran I think said, he has a place set up and can take the kids and give you a break. This is just too much. Let yourself have time to grieve. The kids come first of course, but you matter too.

 

[Wiped Out]

Others have said it so well. I'm so sorry. Sending you a big cushy blanket to wrap yourself in along with some chocolate and a glass of wine. Gentle hugs.