What Boundaries Mean to Me

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by StillStanding, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Over the past 8 years, I have read and seen endless information about boundaries. I struggled with them for so long. I wasn't comfortable with some boundaries and then of course I wasn't able to stick to them.

    What I've learned is that I need boundaries but they need to be MINE. I was failing because I listened to everyone else's opinions about what boundaries should be.

    Last night my limits were tested. I want to share what happened so I can reaffirm to myself that I'm ok. Also, maybe my experience will help someone else struggling with boundaries.

    I hadn't heard from my son in weeks. The frantic texting started yesterday.

    I did respond.
    I did not respond within minutes.
    It was not my urgency.

    I have some of his money as I'm his trustee when he does work. It's not much.

    He lost his bus pass.
    I did agree to pick one up on my way home.
    I did not agree to give him cash for a bus pass.
    I know anything I give him can be converted to cash. It's not my job to keep him from trading items for cash.

    I did agree to pick up a gift card for Walmart.
    I did not go by myself to get it.
    It was inconvenient he could at least keep me company.

    I did notice that he showered.
    I did not comment that it didn't matter since he clothing was disgusting.
    Personal grooming is a struggle with his depression. Overcoming it is not my business even if I don't like it.

    I did ask why he didn't join us for visitation with his son this week.
    I did not tell him that watching a toddler yell up to his room "daddy" hurts my very soul.
    I have worked hard to have a relationship with my grandson. I will help my son in any way I can with the baby. It isn't my job to make my son participate.

    He says he has a new job.
    I did offer to continue being his trustee.
    I did not remind or nag anything about trying to keep this job or what he should or shouldn't do.
    I hope it's true. I'm not going to play detective finding out.

    He whispered "thank you mom" as he slipped out again.

    I was sad.
    I was not angry or resentful.

    If you're figuring out how boundaries work for you, you are not alone.
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My dear Still

    What an amazing job you did! You give me strength. I don't think there is a single one of us who doesn't struggle with boundaries.

    We are not alone. That is for sure.
    :staystrong:
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    You did well. You are doing the best you can and I applaud you for that!
     
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  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think those were appropriate.
     
  5. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Thanks friends. More drama tonight. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
     
  6. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    What works for one doesnt work for another, we just have to do our best