What Have You Done About Your Will or Trust?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by seek, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. seek

    seek Member

    Just wondering what parents of "difficult children" have done with their wills or trusts?

    1) Who have you appointed as Trustee to handle your affairs if your child is not a good candidate? (Not asking for personal info, but what type of person in lieu of your kid(s)?
    2) How have you modified the gifts (if you have, or if you haven't, what is your thinking/reasoning) - again, not asking for personal info or specifics, but just looking for ideas and wondering how others are handling this issue.
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    All of this an ongoing trauma. I have a special needs trust administered by an attorney. I hate it. Whatever is left will be eaten up by attorney's fees. No family. Son not capably managing his ssi. Me: Heartbroken and afraid.
  3. ccdecks

    ccdecks New Member

    please know you are not alone, heart is broken but you will carry on..
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We just did this earlier this year. We have an attorney in the family so got it all done for half price.

    We have three boys and we split it three ways. Our eldest is the executor. I did not want to leave our Difficult Child to have control of his share but my husband did.

    He thinks Difficult Child will turn it around eventually. I'm not so sure.
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I am unwilling to tackle that issue at this time.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You know the saying, "the cobbler's children have no shoes"?

    Yeah...this lawyer has no Will.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • List
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We did it mainly for the older two since husband and I travel together more now that Difficult Child is out and I could not bear to have what we have worked so hard for go to probate!
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My husband and I did our wills a couple of years ago. It was not an easy decision but here's what we did.

    We own two homes and they were both put in a trust for our grandchildren. All of our investments are also in the trust for our grandchildren. Our son will get nothing.

    Our lawyer advised us that we needed to be very specific with our wording in the will. Here's how it reads: Difficult Child (name) will receive nothing from his parents estate for reasons known only to them. This will cannot be contested by (name).

    Why we did this? A few reasons. I do not trust my son with money and I know he would just blow through it. My son abandoned his children, my grand children. He has never paid any kind of child support. Husband and I feel this is the least we can do to help them later on in life.

    I have maintained a very good relationship with the mother of my grand children. She has agreed to be the executor of our estate. I know she will do what is best for the kids and I trust her completely. Also, they are to receive their payouts when each one turns 35. Of course they will be older if I live into my eighty's which I hope I do.

    I struggled for a while wondering if I should tell my son. I have chosen not to. I do not see the point of it. I don't want the prospect of money to be a factor in whether he will get his act together or the opposite that he will completely rebel against us more than he already has.
    I do plan on leaving him a letter explaining why. (really something I need to do now as we never know when our number will be up)

    In discussing all of this with our attorney I asked if she had other clients like us. She said it is very common for parents to not leave anything to their children. She shared a few stories with us. People have all kinds of different reasons for not leaving their children an inheritance.
    Our trust is a revocable one meaning that we can change it anytime we want. If my son were to somehow get his life together and start living responsibly I would consider leaving him something but the majority will go to my grand children.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  9. seek

    seek Member

    These are very difficult decisions. Last year, I spent a lot of time working on my trust and split it four ways - then disaster hit and I modified it. I have actually modified it a couple of times.

    Now I am thinking it through again - the kid I had elected as Trustee, is not available for emotional support as I am struggling with my grandson (basically just says "good luck, I hope you figure it out") - how could I trust her to "be there" for me in my time of need? She might just tell me "good luck, figure it out!" So now I am rethinking everything.

    This is hard stuff!
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    To share a bit of info from the other side of the coin, I am more of the 'easy' child in my family. My parents were trying to update the will they wrote before I was born. They got fired by their lawyer because my father kept dithering and just couild not figure out who to make the executor. My difficult brother thinks he is executor because he is so good with paperwork. He is again in arrears on his taxes (last time he went 7 years - he was self employed at the time). His finances are a wreck. His paperwork is neat, in that it is all neatly stacked in shoe boxes.

    I nearly wept with relief when my mother told me he was not executor. I don't need him on that power trip. Although it would be nice to have them create a will that I was actually in by name, not as 'other progeny'. I am almost 50, after all. But that is my parents.

    Our kids split everything equally. Our will is actually fairly simple because my husband keeps insisting he will live forever. I wish I was joking. It is handwritten. We did it ourselves. He refused to see a lawyer because "there isn't any point". I think he only signed it to shut me up.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am in the throes of being a coexecutor to my moms estate with a well meaning but very difficult brother and uncooperative family members. Something that should be simple and straight forward will take a long time and make a lawyers pocket fat. I am happy my mother had a very well drawn up legal will. Due to family discussed it will go through probabte to attempt to prevent any sibling infighting.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Long ago someone told me it was best to make a non-family member the executor of your will, to keep the emotions out of it. I have an attorney friend that I plan to name executor. I still haven't drafted a will, but I need to.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I wish my parents had done that.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Not only do we all need a will, we also need an advanced directive. What are your wishes if you become incapacitated? Do you want life support? For how long? Do you have a DNR? (do not resuscitate)
    What about your finances? You need a power of attorney for someone to take over paying bills, etc... in case you can't. I was amazed at all the different things you need to consider when planning your will.
    Also, making sure you have all your bank account and investment info written down for the executor. Any online passwords for accounts. Your social media. There is so much to think about. It can be overwhelming but I would much rather deal with all the details while I'm still here than to leave it for my executor to try and navigate through. It's hard enough on an executor to process everything even when there is a will.

    Here's a link to an article from Dave Ramsey that has some good info.
    The Importance of Making a Will
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  15. seek

    seek Member

    As to hiring an executor - it is very tricky - banks are no Bueno, as far as I am concerned. Any person has to be young enough to be able to function in your old age - it's hard to find just the right person.
  16. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    My brother (who is 9 years younger than me) is currently the executor of my money in the event of my death. Went to an atty who recommended that I just split out my insurance (through my job) via percentages - because I don't have any assets (currently). So, my daughter gets 55%, My difficult son gets 1%, and whatever is left goes into trust for my grandson payable upon graduation from college or 35 whichever comes first.

    I'm not giving my drug addicted narcissistic son a dime more than what I have allocated (only 1% to keep him from contesting). But then, could he even contest if it's life insurance policies? I don't recall if I asked that when I went to the atty- because if not, I may change that.

    I don't feel guilty about it other than the mess my daughter will have to deal with where he is concerned (anger). But, since my brother is the beneficiary of the 44% of the money (to put it in the trust)- my son will never really know who got what - and my daughter won't disclose it anyway.

    This could change at some point, but I doubt it.
  17. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    No will when we are dead my sons can deal on their own with what is left. According to law they get 50% each and its their business how they get it.

    I am dead its not my concern I worry about in life and only life the future after my death is their problem.

    Honestly why would you bother on who gets what and how much and what will they do with the assests in the end you do not go with them they have 0 value after my death in my opinion.

    Its like trash who carea what happened to it.
  18. sizzlelene

    sizzlelene New Member

    Do you want to leave a nightmare of a mess after you are gone? I hope not
  19. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    ^^^^^YES! ^^^^^

    My father in law's estate is in probate...for almost two years now. Wills are important; it can be an expensive long haul without one. There is no end in sight to this. <sigh>

    Our will divides property equally between the three offspring (with a couple of exceptions). As far as money in checking and savings accounts, we have named two of our kids to receive those (few) $$, 50/50. Those transactions will take place outside the will and hopefully, Difficult Child will never know about them.

    Should our relationship with Difficult Child never improve, we still do not wish to inflict any kind of "inheritance hurt" after we are gone. These decisions help us sleep better at night.

    writing this, knowing full well we come from many different circumstances.....
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  20. seek

    seek Member

    I don't believe that hard earned money should go to active alcoholics or drug addicts, or grown children who have shown you disrespect and have caused you problems and never apologized for such . . . basically, I don't believe bad behavior should be rewarded.

    I have struggled, greatly, on wanting to be fair and ethical in my decisions. I made the best decisions I could make and told myself I can update the instrument yearly, if need be - if anything changes for better or worse.

    I wanted to leave everything to family but am now starting to entertain leaving a portion to an animal charity or something . . .

    This is not a fun process!