What I feared has arrived, now what?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello everyone. I am back after a week, appreciative for your support and guidance. As you know, my adult, 39 year old daughter is living in her car with her cats. You've all given wonderful advice, I've taken it all and read the books you recommended. Now, the next leg of this journey has arrived, and although I knew it was coming, I am weak in the knees now that it's here. Last night a sheriff came to our door announcing the police were looking for my daughter who is charged with burglary. This is not a usual incidence and even the police said she has no record, but is hanging out with unsavory people. Bad choices once again. This morning I got a call at 6 AM from my daughter stating she was in jail and needed me to post bail. $4,000 on a $40,000 bail. She asked I call her grandmother, her father, various friends to get the bail money and/or help for her cats. I did that and when she called back I said, I am willing to come to the jail, get your keys, find your car, bring the car and cats back to my place and find a place for the cats. Right now one is in the bathroom the other 3 are in the car. They are safe. My fiancee has terrible asthma and I have a form of asthma so the cats cannot come near us. I plan on waiting until the arraignment to see what I will now do with the cats since she may be out in a day or so, according to the sheriff I spoke to. I set a boundary about the bail, her Dad and I agreed not to post bail. I did not want the cats to suffer for her bad choices nor her car to get ripped off since everything she owns is in there. Perhaps that is still enabling, I don't know, but that's what I did. I looked inside myself and decided that's what I'm willing to do, it feels right. She is in jail and may stay there without any money or anyone who will post bail. I have no idea how the system works having no previous experience with anything like this. This is very difficult. I don't think my daughter is capable of being a functional adult now. At least in the County jail, she is fed and housed, in my opinion better then living on the streets. It's all pretty monstrous, but I am hoping someone notices how disturbed she is and insists on an evaluation or perhaps better, admits her into a hospital for an evaluation and observation. I have no idea how all of this works out, if anyone knows anything, I would appreciate any input. She is being arraigned tomorrow or Wednesday since today is holiday. I feel relieved, very sad, compassion for her and yet she did this to herself and I feel she needs to suffer the consequences of jail and whatever happens next. I'm willing to store her car and take the animals to a local shelter in a few days but that is the limit of my willingness. She has been stuck in anger since her husband committed suicide 12 years ago. She has lost a lot, she has had much reason to be filled with sorrow and loss, and I have done everything to help her, but now I feel I've done enough and it's up to her. I am in a very good codependency therapy group. I'm in CoDa, I have a therapist, I am fortunate to have good friends and a loving fiancee who is always willing to be there to help. I am raising my daughter's daughter who is 15, she is a delight, and we are glad we can provide a home for her. Now I have drawn a line in the sand, for the second time in 3 weeks, the first was when I insisted she leave my home after creating another drama, I threw her out. I said don't contact me until you're willing to change. It feels strange and different, I am very sad, but I am also resolved to carry this out. I know all of you out there have similar experiences with challenging kids, I know I'm writing to the perfect group. It helps to write this down and it helps to hear your words of encouragement, support, advice and inspiration. I would appreciate hearing anything you think would be helpful. I guess part of my fear is I don't really know what will happen next, as I said, this run in with the police is a new thing, she's usually made all her bad choices without involving the law. She says, and the sheriff intimated, that she may be simply hanging out with the wrong people who have now stuck her with holding the bag. In any case, she is the one charged with burglary and possession of stolen goods, and she is the one who will face the consequences. She does not have a record of any kind, it's clean. I have a lot of support around me so I'm doing as well as could be expected. My granddaughter knows whats going on and she is of the opinion that perhaps this may be a wake-up call for my daughter. But, who knows, maybe not, she's a tough nut to crack. I believe she is using anger to cover up the wealth of sorrow that lives inside of her along with some diagnose able mental illnesses that seem apparent to me. She's a lost child. It's heartbreaking to me. And, I think in order to 'possibly' save her, and me, and my granddaughter, I have to let go. Whew. Thanks for listening to this. God Bless.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think that you have made your position clear to her. Keep your back straight and know that you do this out of love (even if she does not see it). You are a WARRIOR mom.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I always read new posts, so sorry that I do not have advice in this area, but I want you to know you were heard and I am saying a prayer for you. I also pray your wishes are answered and that she gets some amount of help from this. It is wonderful you have your granddaughter to be with you safe and sound.

    Let us know how you are. I think you should take the cats to the shelter now by the way. It is unfair for them to live in a car.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so glad you took a hard line on the bail. You're right, she's safe, and fed. Sometimes, out of a crisis, can come change. It's possible this will be turning point but for her to get help but if not, it's at least a natural consequence that she has to deal with, herself. Keeping her car while she's in jail is a reasonable way of helping, I think. Keeping her cats when you have allergies, I'm not so sure. If you can't find someone else to house them, I have to agree that they might be better off in a shelter. Maybe call a local rescue organization and see if they'd be willing to foster them under the circumstances.

    Hang in there. I think you're doing great.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The shelter here has a policy of caring for pets for those who cannot - for example, a person who lives alone and has to go to the hospital. They have been known to take pets for those waiting on charges, but not for those who have been sentenced. I believe they are more open to supporting these situations if someone can provide food and litter-box supplies - the major expenses of cats.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that you have a very wise granddaughter.

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds as though you are handling it beautifully.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you all for your kind words. I appreciate it. A friend of my daughters is looking for someone to take the cats, and a friend of mine is in the animal rescue world and gave me the name of a shelter who will likely take the cats tomorrow or the next day. Today is a holiday, so they're closed. I'm concerned about the old cat who is 18 and frail, she is in my granddaughters bathroom and my granddaughter is taking care of her, cuddling, holding, etc. Because she is contained, she is not impacting our asthma. The other 3 cats appear to be ok in the car with fresh water, food and cat boxes they are sleeping in. I check them periodically to make sure they are safe and ok. This is all temporary. Thank you for your prayers and I think most importantly for me to feel heard. To feel heard by folks who are walking the same strange, twisted, sad, creepy road I find myself on. That is very important and means a lot. To look on the computer and see words from total strangers who say all the right things is an amazing gift, I thank you all for your input and send you loving thoughts for the trials you too are facing. I never thought, in my wildest dreams, when I gave birth to my daughter, and watched that little girl grow up, that I would be choosing to let her stay in jail,........ life can sure hit you with some surprising curves. And yet, I do believe in life teaching us lessons, perhaps my daughter will finally learn hers as I learn how to detach from her and not enable her anymore. What a long and arduous journey this has been. I pray that my daughter wakes up. Thank you all for your support........................And, yes, I do have a wise granddaughter, she is perceptive, intuitive, compassionate, funny, smart and in my (perhaps biased!!) opinion, quite a fabulous kid, on every level!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I think you did great! I would have gotten the car and the cats too...it shows you care but you are not rescuing her and the cats are innocent little things that should be rescued.

    Now the court system can be a help when it comes to ordering treatment. Unfortunately i do have some experience with the legal system. I would go to the arrqignment tomorrow. I would try to speak to her court appointed attorney and let them know she needs mental health tx....i might also let the da know that is what she needs. Her lawyer works for what she wants so be aware of that.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I don't think you could handle this any better. If you can't find someone to help with the cats then they will need to go to the shelter. I know this will be hard on your daughter, but the situation HAS to be hard for her to be motivated to find change. If your or your fiance's asthma acts up tonight, maybe the older cat could be on the porch in a carrier for the night. You cannot let your health be affected.

    You have lined up great supports and in my opinion should be proud that you are doing all you are. The hard line about bail is important because if nothing else then your daughter will maybe be motivated to get some help. PLEASE don't put up bail. Don't waver on this. If she didn't show up for court then you could lose a LOT. I really hope that you are able to stay on this road.

    You have an awesome granddaughter - she seems to have a good grasp of things. (((((hugs)))))
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. As the parent of a dysfunctioning daughter who is nearing fifty..sigh..I can understand a few of your issues. I absolutely understand having a grandchild in your home who is much loved, lol. I really doubt that you need verification but you've absolutely have it. Your choices are valid and could lead to benefits in the long run for your daughter, your granddaughter and even, lol, the pets. Stay strong and know you are welcome here any and every time you need support. DDD
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I just want to add my support to what the others have stated. You're handling the situation perfectly. It's heartbreaking, I know. She's 39 and never been in trouble, I hope she hates jail so much she'll decide to make changes. The longer she stays in their the more she'll hate it. The worst thing you could do would be to bail her out, you know that already. She's very blessed to have you taking care of her daughter, that is everything really. Remember you're helping her by not bailing her out. Stay strong, you're doing a good a job. Only she can turn her life around, we don't have the power to do that. (hugs)
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I agree with all that has preceeded thisjpost. You are doing the best you can in this difficult situation. I am glad your Grand daughter has you. I am gald that she is appreciative and wise. I hope that your daughter gets the help she needs and and used this experience to make her life better. Hang in there youare doing everything right.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    How are things going today??? I hope you are doing ok today with all of this scary stuff..... Just was thinking about you and your daughter. Did you find someone for the kitties? I hope they can go somewhere where they can stretch and run a little.

  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think you handled it very well. (((hugs)))
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buddy, thank you for asking. It's been a rough ride. I have felt angry, so, so sad and today, after 5 days of taking care of and trying to find homes for the 3 younger cats, we got the runaround from all the shelters we called. We were told to call the police and they would pick up the cats and take them to a shelter without euthanizing them, but no one gives us the straight story. I'm beyond frustrated, I'm angry that there is no one willing to help us. The police person we spoke to about the cats called my daughter in jail telling her what we were doing. She called me at work and I just flipped out. All my frustrations and angers from all the years just came spilling out. I said things I wish I hadn't and yet at the same time, it was all true, how much she has hurt so many, how any efforts are too little too late, now her father's family is involved and she has no idea of the wake of destruction and sorrow she leaves. I said at the end, "You are on your own." I am not bailing you out, I am going to find a safe place for your cats and that's it. I was so angry I was quaking inside. I still feel sick, numb, a sadness that is so deep, I didn't think this kind of pain existed. She is my child, she is in jail, she is clueless about anything that doesn't impact her, she sounds as if she is falling apart, I know her and I haven't heard her cry like this since her husband committed suicide 12 years ago, the beginning of the end for her. I'm afraid she will have a breakdown and I'm hoping she has a breakdown. I'm afraid of what will happen to her and yet I hope she stays in jail, she has no where to go. I went to the arraignment on Wed. she was appointed an attorney, whom I spoke to (as per a lovely person here on this site, who suggested I do that.) She has a hearing on Tuesday where the DA will make an offer.She is charged with burglary with a bail of $40,000. The animal police guy told us she will likely not get out because she is a transient, but he wasn't positive of that since she has no criminal record. She may get out. Where will she go? This is a terrible time for me, I have so many feelings that contradict each other I feel as if I will implode. Fortunately, I have support at home, therapy last night, CoDa groups, I'm basically okay, but this hurts, this is bad. I keep thinking of her in jail and my heart breaks and then I think of her in jail and I think she deserves to be exactly where she is, even if she didn't commit this crime. I don't know, is she capable of having an epiphany? I don't know, I have hoped for that for so many years, I've lost track. She has had so many losses, big giant ones, her husband, her children, her home, her job, her friends, everything is gone now, even the clothes on her back. She can't smoke in jail (at least I don't think she can) so all her defenses against feelings of sorrow and grief have no distractions to keep her looking elsewhere, the only place to look is at herself. At least I hope that is true. Sad as it is. I'm ranting, I know, so much inside me, yikes. Any input, advice, similar stories/feelings, prayers, I'm open to it all. Thank you for reading this tome. I appreciate it so much.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sad that you are having to deal with all of this. You have done an awesome job of setting up a support system to help you through all of this. That is AWESOME! PLEASE don't keep tellng yourself that you have to be "okay". Of course you are not "basically okay", NO ONE in your situation could be. Not the first time. You love your daughter, have so much anger and pain inside, and you are lost and confused. Those things are not being OKAY but they also are not being "broken" because you have supports in place to help you through. PLEASE use your supports and don't pull away from them. When people don't use the supports is when they slip into the same illness that has overwhelmed their loved one.

    It may be hard to understand, but it is okay to not be okay. I can't say it any better (have tried) but basically you need help to get through and that is okay because you found the right supports. Just be wary because this is the time when some relatives slip into their own addictions to deal with the stress of a loved ones' meltdown. That doesn't help you or anyone else. NOT sayng a glass of wine is bad, but more watch WHY you drink and if you really really want it then maybe you need to not have it. I don't have ANY idea that you have this problem. I am saying this ONLY because I have seen my own loved ones slip into this pattern. So it is more a warning that it could happen than seeing ANY signs of this in you.

    I think talking to your daughter ended up being okay. She needs to have this breakdown. Having it in jail iwth NO way to numb her feelings is actually GOOD. They will make sure that she has medical attention if she is detoxing from alcohol or drugs, and she won't be allowed to hurt herself. If you think she wants to hurt herself then you need to alert them and the jail will put her on suicide watch. It won't be fun for her, but she will be safe and that is more than she has been in a long time. She NEEDS to breakdown so that she can start to rebuild. I hope and pray that they keep her inside the jail because that will be the safest place for her right now.

    As for the cats, I know you don't want them euthanized but it is SUPER hard to find homes for cats. Shelters are overwhelmed with them most of the time. You COULD take the wrong way and put them in a box at the shelter's door and they will have no choice but most of them around here have surveillance now because it happens so often and is a BIG problem. You can also put a listing on craigslist but a lot of times you get hoarders answering those ads. We had a cockatiel and it took months to find a home for her because most of the responses were from hoarders. In our area we can call animal control and the humane society and ask if a person is on their list of area hoarders. I don't know if every area keeps a list or can tell you if someone is on it. here I guess no one has complained yet so I checked people out on the list and got a lot of them wanting the bird. I do know that our area freecycle seems to have a good record of placing cats, so you might try that. Here they suggest you deliver the animal so if the home is inappropriate then you will know it. I don't know if that will be possible for you.

    You are handling this as well as can be expected and I hope in the long run that it is a huge wake-up call and your daughter gets the help she needs. We are here for you no matter what happens.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am so so sorry for your pain. We all say things we wish we didn't and do things we wish we didn't do but we are human (just had an hour of that myself,sigh) but we have to forgive ourselves because these are extremem situations that are just not normal.

    Keep venting here, let it out. We are all here to listen. HUGS
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are so right, I am not okay, I am a huge mass of different feelings all colliding in at once. Thanks. You said all the right things. I do have an awesome support system, plus I have all of you! My man is handling all the cat details, Bless him. The police called back and said we can't do anything with the cats yet, since they belong to my daughter, the police could be sued for taking them and we could be too. So, my girlfriend, who is in the animal rescue world is coming over tomorrow to bring large crates so we can put them on the porch so they have fresh air and more room. The shelter behaviorist told her the cats need to get out of the car and be cuddled, held, touched so they don't adapt to these bizarre conditions and become ultimately un-adoptable. So, that is what I will do. The old girl will stay in my granddaughters bathroom for the next few days. If my daughter has to stay in jail beyond Tuesday, I don't know what to do, but I think I'll have to take this one step at a time. I feel a tad better. Thank you. I do not drink, do drugs, take medications, or self medicate in any way, unless of course you include chocolate and then all bets are off. :likeit:Otherwise, I'm deeply entrenched in reality, and man, sometimes it can be brutal out here. Emotionally, I am not okay, I feel highly stressed, very angry, extremely sad, resentful of this falling into my lap once again, afraid for what will happen next, afraid nothing will change, afraid something will happen to her that is devastating to her and yet, I think the only way out for her is to feel the devastatingly painful feelings of sorrow and loss and also the recognition of her behavior and to take responsibility for it. That would break me down. She's a tough nut though, I believe all the losses have made her heart like stone so she doesn't have to feel the pain of loss. She has been angry for 12 years. And cruel too. She is not a nice person. She is not someone I want to be around, or I imagine anyone would want to be around. My fiancee says she has a vortex that sucks all the joy out of the room and then leaves a wake of negative energy. That's exactly true too. And, she is my only child and this is what she has become. That is hard to fathom. I am by all accounts a kind compassionate, giving, strong person, my daughter is simply strong, nothing kind or nice or compassionate or giving about her. Geez. That's really hard to say and to know. This is not what I thought it would be like. We never hang out, or go shopping or to dinner or talk on the phone. I listen and pay for her drama and intensity, she is addicted to drama. She makes only terrible choices and then blames them on someone else. Nothing is ever her responsibility. She is a person I don't like at all. There is nothing to like. Wow. This truth is hurtful to say, but it is the truth. I hope this gets better soon, she will do what she does, I have no control over that, I think I have accepted that, and now all the feelings of letting go are coming up. All my friends have rallied around me, I have the best therapy support group, even a few folks at work are showing up for me, friends are calling all the time and dropping by trying to help me. I used to do everything all by myself, for years, and this is SO much better, even though its hard, and it is, I am not alone, and that makes all the difference in the world. Being loved is a wonderful salve for the wounded heart. Thank you for listening to me, thanks for your input, thanks for being here for me, it helps so much, so very much. I am very grateful. God bless. Hugs right back at ya!
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wonderful that you are reaching out and accepting support. Good for you. True the pain of it is still there but there is a huge difference when you can manage it and live with it not have to fight it and escape it.

    Do you know how long a pet has to be left before they can say it is abandoned? Call animal control and see what the rule is about that. I mean, what if you had not been so kind and they had been left. You are telling me that the police or animal control couldnt have rescued them? I just wonder about it...

    I hope she figures a way out to care for them but I also am kind of hoping she stays in and gets clean. It would be wonderful if this was a huge wake u call for her, or her "bottom".

    Well, just wanted you to know I read your post and was thinking of you.... Night night... Dee.