What is Enabling

[Lil]

Does it matter at this point, now that they are adults and our role is over? Except for love....

I suppose this may be one of my problems...in my family, your role is never over! If a family member needs you, you're there! Jabber's family too. His parents once drove down here, an hour and a half, just because he called and told them we needed to talk and get advice about our son. They'd do anything if it was needed. Of course, we wouldn't take advantage of that...that's the difference.

He is choosing to do nothing and get no help and use drugs.

Actually, he says he hasn't smoked pot in 2 1/2 months and I'm inclined to believe him. I don't think he's ever had a serious drug thing. Loves his pot...but has stopped. Just passed a drug test and is going where there is a zero-tolerance policy. Of course, he asked if they tested, so clearly he does intend to do it again in future...but appears to be clean now.

If you love kids, why not consider short term foster care?

Oh dear God no! I hate children!

Well, that may be an exaggeration...but I'm NOT mother of the year. The only child I've ever spent any time with...ever...was my son. I never even babysat as a girl. I really don't "get" kids. I never have. I can only take them in short doses. I'd have been a terrible stay-at-home mom. Really, I shudder at that thought!

Have you ever been to GOOD therapy? I have. Not every therapist is a moron. If one is, fire her and find somebody you connect with.Check around. See several to see who you like. And, good heavens, see a woman!!!!

Curious...why a woman? Jabber and I are in therapy now...but with a man.

That is where time and space and distance come in. We have to create boundaries (space, time, distance) so we don't act/react when we feel like this. Otherwise, we can't do it---it's just too hard.

That's what I want from Job Corps. At least the #1 thing at first is distance. I really like the idea of him being far, far away for a while. Does that make me a bad person? It feels bad.

I feel as though I must sound like I sit around crying or lay in bed all day...I don't. I'm going on with my day and my life and we try for days when we don't hear from him at all...those days are just few and far between. We had a few weeks in there, but they stopped last week.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, SWOT.

I thought so just because you seem to need to put all your hopes and dreams into your son. As you know, I was in the same boat. Have you gone for GOOD (not crummy) therapy? It really helps you stop the drama that plays in your mind (you learn skills) and teaches you ways to self-soothe and take care of you. At the same time, you need to get that little girl inside of you to stop trying to please others...and, if you're like me, there is anger there too. I still have that, but I handle it better and see that it was me who was mistreated, not those who called me those vile names.

It is hard but it is worth it. YOU are bright and worthy and capable and kind...YOU are worth it. Once you take care of yourself (but you need to learn how), you will have a more relaxed attitude toward your son. I hope you choose yourself today

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, lol. I was posting to Copa!!!!!

But feel free to take my advice. The doctor is in and the price is right...lol!!!

 

[Lil]

Lil, lol. I was posting to Copa!!!!!

LOL! You quoted ME!

But you know, Copa and I seem to have a lot in common, so it's all good.

 

[BusynMember]

Except, Lil, that you had a good family and can't relate to a terrible, abusive family. And I'm glad for you, but if affects you as an adult and with your children when you have been belittled and abused and told you are nothing when you are a kid. It is a bit like PTSD...it doesn't go away without help.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It is a bit like PTSD

SWOT... it IS ptsd. It's called chronic post traumatic stress disorder. It applies to repeated trauma. Which is what a lot of us have lived.

 

[BusynMember]

Yep. So I've been told.

 

[Copabanana]

if affects you as an adult and with your children when you have been belittled and abused and told you are nothing when you are a kid.

When my son would gossip about me to the neighbors, I felt the hurt and rage of that child who had been blamed, taunted, ridiculed, beaten, that had been suppressed.

From that horrible child place, once or twice, ugly, ugly things, I said, because I did not protect myself from my son.

And my son will occasionally remind me that I said ugly things.

And the spiral continues until it stops.

Love needs to protected not degraded.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, I am very sensitive to criticism and if my kids had done it, well, let's just say I can feel how you probably wanted to hide in a hole and cry forever.

 

[Tanya M]

@Copabanana , I too know what it's like to have your own child tell lies about you. My son has told many people many lies.
It used to really bother me. I wanted to scream from the roof tops telling people "Don't you know he's lying???"

I finally got to the point that I just didn't care what others thought. If they chose to believe my son over me, the one who lives a responsible life and has morals and values then I didn't need those people in my life.

As for saying ugly things, I've done that too. I'm sure we all have. Nothing like a Difficult Child to bring out the worst in you.

I'm sorry you experienced an unpleasant childhood. I too know what that's like. My bio-father sexually abused me and my sisters and come to find out later in life some of our friends.

I have learned that the past holds no power over me unless I let it and I won't let it. I choose to live in the present and I do not let my past define me. Each day is brand new and I get to decide how I will live it. I always liked the analogy of the present is just that, it's a present that gets to be unwrapped each day.

It's not an easy journey we are all on. I'm so glad that we are here for each other to share with. I'm so glad you are here with us, you have an amazing way of expressing yourself.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It's called chronic post traumatic stress disorder. It applies to repeated trauma. Which is what a lot of us have lived.

No way!!! I did not know there was such a thing.

Ah, sweet legitimacy at last.

:O)

I am going to look that up. I never thought to do that.

Cedar