Wish, your heart is big.
I hope he can go into hospice and leave gently with no more pain.
Thank you, not to sound arrogant in the least, but I do agree that my heart is big. Too big. Because I know for a fact that if this happened to me or my daughter, I wouldn't hear a peep from them, like I haven't in decades, let alone given thought about it like I am giving to my cousin. The silence from them is so extremely loud. To be honest, I am tired of this big heart. I am growing very weary from it.
Wish. I wish I could take your pain away.
Thank you Copa.
I just hope his death doesn't do my grandparents in. My grandparents are very close with my cousins. My grandmother is in pieces over it, and as I mentioned before, my grandfather is in the early stages of cancer.
I might have mentioned this to you all before, and if I already have, consider this a reminder: my grandparents raised me for the most part. Unfortuantely, I had a very bad relationship with my grandparents in my later years, especially with my grandmother, for a very long time. It's very hard for me to adimt that because it sounds awful when you say that about ederly people, but it is what was. Elderly doesn't always mean good people.
This year, I wanted to make amends with them because soon they will no longer be on this earth and they accepted my offer to make amends finally. I wanted to make amends with them so for many years prior but they didn't want to, but I think since they are close to deaths door, they feel that they do want to see me now. Nice, right? Nothing like someone approaching the grave to make them finally want to see you. Makes you feel so special.
But I'll take it.
So, I went to vist them 600 miles away in Feb, and we all had a very nice time. I stayed for a week and made plans to come at the end of the year, October abouts. I was actually looking forward to it and I think so were they.
Then my cousin got cancer again in May.....and this is where we are at.
And I ask the universe, are my grandparents going to be ok when I come? Are they going to be in too much grief over my cousin whether he is still alive or passed on at that point to enjoy my visit? Are they gonna die soon over broken hearts over my cousin when he dies? My cousin is the child of their favorite child, (my Uncle's son). They are extremely attached to that side of the family so it's going to hurt them a lot and is hurting them a lot. Is it extremely selfish to think, why now God? Why does something always get in the way of the most modest of my plans? Am I not meant for any happiness with a family? I missed my grandparents. They were my parents. I really wanted to have some time with them that was actually
good. I know people might think this is so selfish, but I don't care. I know it's not selfish. I can wait to the big part of their grief is over. I can wait until next year to spend time with them, but what if they start failing in health or die by that time? They are not capable people to deal with loss of a child, especially a child of one of their favorite children. There are so many lost years, decades, between me and my grandparents. Why now???? I just wanted to have some good lasting memories before they died. Was that too much to ask for?