Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by Wish, Jul 14, 2018.
How are you doing?
I am actually doing ok. My grandparents don't want to talk about his cancer and are trying to remain positive. So I am just following their lead. My grandfather isn't in any pain at the moment thank God. So yeah, I am doing ok with that right now. Thanks so much for asking Swot.
Funny you mention this. My FOO has a lot of dysfunction due to events which occurred in the generation before mine. Long story short this drama exploded when I was in my teens, and resulted in complete and total estrangement between my mother and her siblings (the parents of my cousins) when I was in high school. The cousins themselves weren't really involved, but it was a situation where everybody basically chose a side. Not only out of loyalty but also because of my personal feelings regarding the situation, I sided with my mother. And as could be expected my eldest cousin sided with their mother, my aunt, who was the ringleader of all the toxicity and whom my mother hates with a passion. My second eldest cousin, with whom I was extremely close as a tween, stayed in touch with "our" side of the family and remained essentially neutral. But even so, though I saw this cousin infrequently as we grew older, we drifted apart. At this point I haven't spoken to the 'neutral/good' cousin in probably 10 years or so.
At times I grow curious about these estranged family members and use social media to spy on them. By doing so recently I learned that estranged aunt is in a nursing home and not doing well. I told my mother who seemed slightly upset/taken aback by the news. I sent my mom some FB photos of aunt who has deteriorated significantly since her prime years, but the woman is now in her 90s so that is to be expected.
The FB page in question belongs to eldest cousin's spouse. My 'neutral' cousin, who is the only one I'd reach out to, doesn't seem to be on social media anymore. I cannot find any evidence of what they are doing now. I do know life has not been kind to them, which is a shame because this cousin is a good person, and the only person on this particular side of the family I'd want to reconnect with as my own family is small.
My mother doesn't intend to visit aunt. I asked mother if she would be upset if aunt died without any further words between them and my mother said no. I have no desire to visit aunt.
If I do manage to find neutral cousin I will post an update.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about your cousins with me.
That's good that you do have one neutral cousin even if you haven't seen her/him in a long time.
I don't blame your mom for not wanting to visit your aunt.
Let me know if you do find your cousin and contact her. You can subscribe to Beenverified. It's a website to find phone numbers and addresses. You get a free trial and then you have to cancel it after said amount of days so you don't get charged. However, I pay 22.00 a month for that website because it comes in handy, especially with roommate situations for doing a criminal background check. Anyway, you can definitely use it for free for a few days and they are totally legit. It's called Beenverified.com
There a very deeply hurtful reasons to let things be at the end of life. It isnt wrong not ro go in my opinion just because its the end of life, especially if there was no relationship. Why search for words you both dont mean or upset the person at death? I get it. Unfortunately, you have to have had a hateful family to get it. Silence is sometimes best for all. Even at death.
When that time comes, I will not allow my sister to visit. If she has only hateful lies now, its too late. This is the time to make amends, not when someone is almost gone. Let everyone go in peace
I had one first cousin who I was kind of close to. She lived many states away, so I did not get to see her very often. I was in her wedding and she in mine. She died in her early 50s and it was very hard for me. I’m friends with her two sons on FB. We might communicate via FB once or twice a year. (The son’s and I)
I visited her about theee weeks before she died. Did not go to the funeral. (Hmm. Some might not of agreed with that decision. I don’t care. I’m glad I got to see her before she passed and did not have money for two tickets).
I have another first cousin who is male, in another state as well. Different state. We email now and then. That’s about it.
Generally speaking, I think we should not do things for other people ... as opposed to for ourselves. That kind of sounds funny. But, In particular, we should not let what others think of us influence our decisions/actions. That type of thing should come from our own personal thoughts , needs, wants, morals and motivations.
On occasion, when it comes to a child or elderly person whom we love, especially if it won’t hurt us , it seems fine to do something that we wouldn’t normally do in order to help such a loved one.
Apologies if that confuses the issue.
There just doesn’t seem to be any clear cut rules or right or wrong answers.
I needed this.
Not all, the complete anithesis.
I have to learn to accept that sooner or later, you're so right.
Funerals are not for the dead. Some believe (not me) that you no longer have any consciousness once they pass on. Some believe they will go to Heaven when Jesus comes again but that we sleep until then. Some, like me, strongly believe there is no death so that the spirit lives on and evolves and understands things they neber understood on earth.
My fathers funeral was the night after my husbands heart went afib and up to 200 beats a minute. He didnt have a heart attck which was a miracle.
I stayed with my living husband rather than my fathers funeral and I know my father was with me the entire time. I had a very gifted medium reading and spoke to him when i got home and felt comforted.
I did what was right for me. And I know my dad understood. I know he appeoved and that I was with him in my heart. I still am.
Now probably 100 cousins I never knew and will never see were horrified that I didnt show up. Guess how much I care? Most had little to do with my father while he was alive.
To me the time to show love and respect is when two souls are alive on earth. Not after. I am strongly considering being cremated and having my ashes speunkled over wayer and no obit and writing my own words to the family and friends I will invite (in a list before I leavel) to see me off to the spirit world.
You do anything YOU feel is right. Going to a funeral does not mean love.
Very inspiring way to look at it Swot.
And if my husband had those type of problems, I would have been there with him too. I know afib and heart racing problems all too well.
Thank you. My hub had no episodes since but it was a very stressful time for him too. The strange thing is, my husband is skeptical of the afterlife but the day he came home from the hospital he woke me and told me a person was in the house and had woken him up. Some prescence had been standing behind him. He swears to it to this day and it has made him think about the afterlife. I smiled and told my dad I loved him too. Im sure it was him. I often feel him, even a year later.
Wow, I got the goosebumps reading that Swot. Love.
So in my inital post, I stated my 33 year old cousin was dying. Just to clarify, at the time I made that statement, no one told me he was officially dying. I just knew, and I think we all did, because his health was deteriorating so very badly.
About a little over week ago, we got the news that the doctors confirmed he was dying and that he only has a couple of months to live.
He was sent home to finish out the rest of his days.
A week later which was last night, he was rushed back to the hospital because difficulty breathing. The cancer spread to his lungs and very rapidly. He now has pneumonia. It doesn't look good.
Even though he and I have haven't spoken at all (maybe once) in 19 years, maybe longer, I did grow up with my cousins for the first 15 years of my own life, meaning I did see them at least once a week on Sundays and we celebrated all holidays and birthdays together. Even though the last few times we did speak, he said a handful of pretty hurtful comments, snide remarks which just really revealed how I knew he and his family thought and felt about me which stung me to my very core, I still am very hurt that he is dying and in so much pain. He doesn't deserve that and if I could take it away, I would take it away in heartbeat no matter how he really feels about me. :::: I would take all of his pain away and make him healthy in an instant. He is a son, a brother, an Uncle and a fairly new husband who is very, very loved by his wife, family and his nieces and nephews. It must be excrutiating to watch him die right in front of their eyes.
Wish, your heart is big.
I hope he can go into hospice and leave gently with no more pain.
Wish. I wish I could take your pain away.
Thank you, not to sound arrogant in the least, but I do agree that my heart is big. Too big. Because I know for a fact that if this happened to me or my daughter, I wouldn't hear a peep from them, like I haven't in decades, let alone given thought about it like I am giving to my cousin. The silence from them is so extremely loud. To be honest, I am tired of this big heart. I am growing very weary from it.
Thank you Copa.
I just hope his death doesn't do my grandparents in. My grandparents are very close with my cousins. My grandmother is in pieces over it, and as I mentioned before, my grandfather is in the early stages of cancer.
I might have mentioned this to you all before, and if I already have, consider this a reminder: my grandparents raised me for the most part. Unfortuantely, I had a very bad relationship with my grandparents in my later years, especially with my grandmother, for a very long time. It's very hard for me to adimt that because it sounds awful when you say that about ederly people, but it is what was. Elderly doesn't always mean good people.
This year, I wanted to make amends with them because soon they will no longer be on this earth and they accepted my offer to make amends finally. I wanted to make amends with them so for many years prior but they didn't want to, but I think since they are close to deaths door, they feel that they do want to see me now. Nice, right? Nothing like someone approaching the grave to make them finally want to see you. Makes you feel so special.
But I'll take it.
So, I went to vist them 600 miles away in Feb, and we all had a very nice time. I stayed for a week and made plans to come at the end of the year, October abouts. I was actually looking forward to it and I think so were they.
Then my cousin got cancer again in May.....and this is where we are at.
And I ask the universe, are my grandparents going to be ok when I come? Are they going to be in too much grief over my cousin whether he is still alive or passed on at that point to enjoy my visit? Are they gonna die soon over broken hearts over my cousin when he dies? My cousin is the child of their favorite child, (my Uncle's son). They are extremely attached to that side of the family so it's going to hurt them a lot and is hurting them a lot. Is it extremely selfish to think, why now God? Why does something always get in the way of the most modest of my plans? Am I not meant for any happiness with a family? I missed my grandparents. They were my parents. I really wanted to have some time with them that was actually good. I know people might think this is so selfish, but I don't care. I know it's not selfish. I can wait to the big part of their grief is over. I can wait until next year to spend time with them, but what if they start failing in health or die by that time? They are not capable people to deal with loss of a child, especially a child of one of their favorite children. There are so many lost years, decades, between me and my grandparents. Why now???? I just wanted to have some good lasting memories before they died. Was that too much to ask for?
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