What should I do?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Devasted7, Dec 27, 2017.

  1. Devastated7

    Devastated7 New Member

    First timer here, hoping for some advice.

    The story, I’ll be brief as mine is very similar to many others here, sadly. .18 yr old son. Problem child of the family, always has been. He is 2nd child of 5. Drugs, marijuana, stared in 10th grade. Found out he had sexually malested daughter #4 when he was 12. I was so scared when I found pictures on an old digital camera (the real old ones with a 1 inch square screen, lol) that I told the therapist we were seeing. Of course he had to report it to the police. Sent son to live with parents the night I found camera, Cps did a thorough investigation, daughter went to counseling, $15,000 in lawyer fees and 18months later all charges dropped. Ok fine, but during that time is when son discovered drugs. He became too much trouble for my mom so he moved back home this past May. Got him in a special school that could get him a HS diploma quickly so he graduated last week....a semester early.
    Can’t hold a job, stealing....etc. this past Feb he stole a gun and sold it. That kid was caught and of course spilled where he got the gun. My son was arrested. We bailed him out, went to court, he now is out with a settlement, fees, community service...blah blah...more money out of my pocket..... He is stil, using drugs!!!

    I just don’t get it and I don’t know what to do.
    If I find them in my house, who do I call? I want to kick him out. How do I do that?
    Found alcohol in his room, we don’t drink so don’t know where he is getting it.
    He is volatile. I’m afraid he will throw bricks at my house...or something equally crazy. I’m scared for the 3 other kids in the house (oldest in college).
    He denies everything.
    Have seen 2 psychiatrists and 3 therapist in 2 years. He won’t cooperate, so needless to say I have waisted a lot of money.
    There is seriously wires that are not connecting in his brain.
    He is so smart, yet so reactive that he can’t do anything.
    He was put on the spectrum....but really at this point that doesn’t help too much. He won’t take medicine. Tried TONS, was on ADHD medications since 4th grade. Now on nothing.
    Husband wants nothing to do with him, would like to just disown him.....so I get to deal with it.

    Any suggestions would be a blessing.
    Thank you
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome D7

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.
    Please know you are not alone. I wold definitely be concerned for you and your other children. Safety is paramount, and if son is now involved with drugs and guns you need to be very concerned.

    Have you gotten help/therapy for yourself?

    I am not in he USA but If you identify what state you are in someone will help you with the eviction process.

    If he is bringing drugs in to your home this is also a danger to you and your family.

    We have had our son arrested.

    There is an excellent article here on detachment. What we are all learning to do is to love our difficult children and not enable them. Detaching with Love.

    Your son is now 18 as is mine. Where we live in Canada that is the age of emancipation. We have be n at this a number of years with our son and he has yet to get to complete high school or go to rehab. We on on our last waltz with all of this. He requested to have time to conl
     
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome D7

    I am so sorry for what you are going through.
    Please know you are not alone. I wold definitely be concerned for you and your other children. Safety is paramount, and if son is now involved with drugs and guns you need to be very concerned.

    Have you gotten help/therapy for yourself?

    I am not in he USA but If you identify what state you are in someone will help you with the eviction process.

    If he is bringing drugs in to your home this is also a danger to you and your family.

    We have had our son arrested.

    There is an excellent article here on detachment. What we are all learning to do is to love our difficult children and not enable them. Detaching with Love.

    Your son is now 18 as is mine. Where we live in Canada that is the age of emancipation. We have be n at this a number of years with our son and he has yet to get to complete high school or go to rehab. We on on our last waltz with all of this. He requested to have time to complete high school before rehab and he had failed to get passing grades. We are in the final weeks of having a bed for him. He is on bail, after drugging and stealing with us to cover his drug debt.

    We have gone to therapy and I have gained such a tremendous amount of knowledge and courage from this site as well as Naranon.

    We have set solid boudaries and know we can not control another persons behaviour. We will not support another free loading attempt at finishing high school. He can finish up in rehab. If he leaves rehab before completion we will rescind his bail and he will go to jail. If he completes rehab he can return hone as long as he seeks a a job and pays nominal room and board.

    He will have to finish high school in a GED program part time. We will support him in continuing education with tuition school supplies food and housing, as long as he maintains passing grades. If not get a job and pay room and board or be on your own.

    To live with us he will need to contribute to the household chores and follow our house rules if not he will be on his own.

    He is our only child and we have been through Hell and back with him. We do not intend to give any more of our time, money or life to this nonsense.he will live the life he chooses to live.

    Your son may be on the spectrum, however this is no excuse for his behaviour. He is capable of stealing and selling. He is capable of making choices. He has not learned to improve with the past assistance you have given him. Perhaps it is time to get out of his way and let him live the life he has invested in with the choices he has made.

    The important thing to understand is we have not caused this problem, we can not control this nor can we Cure it. I spent a lot of time in Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Known as FOG.

    Through the support of many wise people on this site I have found the strength to mange our son better. This has not been easy and it is a daily practice to maintain boundaries.

    There is no right or wrong way to manage this difficult situation. We do what is in our hearts to bear to do.

    Know you are not alone. I am happy you found us but sad that you need to be here.

    Keep coming back.
     
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  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If he has community corrections...he probably has a probation officer. Call and asked for him to be drug tested.

    Most places, 18 is legal age, and you can usually ask him to leave. You might check with local ordinances about laws for eviction.

    I would not consider ever bailing him out, hiring an attorney, etc... That's just me. We told our kids they only get one "Get out of jail free card" LOL. But even then, if it was something serious, I would let them sit there and figure it out.

    Good luck!
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he molested your daughter I would never have him home again. This may have happened more often than Daughter was willing to say and is incredibly serious for all kids around him and no matter if he got off legally or not....he did the unthinkable. We adopted a boy who did this and we never brought him back after he left. Also, stealing a gun???

    I would get him out through a restraining order, then try to get him out of mental health treatment in a residential treatment. Unlike some kids here, your son is a danger to others as well as himself. The real victims are your other kids, you and your husband, if you have one. He needs extreme help and he needs to get it while living elsewhere. What if he molested your daughter again? They do not always tell us, especially of abuser threatens them in other ways. Our boy told my younger ones that if they ever told on.him he would burn the house down and kill us all and they believed him so it went on for a few years. He had to be home before they told us the whole truth.

    I am truly sorry for your pain and despair, but hope you take care of this child away from your other kids. This volatile kid with sexual molestation and anger and drugs in his history could shoot that stolen gun and kill someone. He is on a very dark path. Whether or not you got him off legally...he is DANGEROUS.

    Sorry if I sounded harsh but I know what it is like. I am surprised he was allowed to go back to your home near the other kids. I am not sure it was a good idea to get him off legally...

    Take care.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2017
  6. Devastated7

    Devastated7 New Member

    Thank you for all the input.
    First, in TX parents are responsible for their children going to school until they are either 19 or graduate HS. You go to court if you fail this. THAT is the reason he was/is back at home. That issue is gone now, as he just graduated.
    Second, reguarding the abuse.....please try not to judge to much. As we all know what you think you would so in a certain situation might not be what you Actually do when that situation arises. I always tell my kids I won’t bail them out, but this son got his one bail out. I hired the lawyers for the abuse case to protect me, hubby, and my other kids. We were all under investigation. Money well spent.

    It just kills me because son is so smart. That’s how he could graduate early, he was in upper level HS classes freshman and paart of sophomore year....knocked out a ton of credits. Now, he is just lazy.

    We are looking for a way to kick him out. I’m kinda hoping he will just get himself arrested. Good idea about contacting his Parole Officer though. I’ll do that.

    It doesn’t help either that my Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) blame me for it all . I went and told the therapist, got this ball rolling of drugs and failure. Even after all that, son goes and steals, yep, still my fault. Husband just says they are going to believe what they want to so just ignore them. Ok, but really? No one can defend me?

    I love all my kids, even #2, but I didn’t know ,motherhood would be so dang hard. Some days I want to just emancipate myself just to breathe.
    Thank for letting me vent and sharing advice. Wish I could this outlet years ago before the drugs started....would have done things a little differently.
     
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Sorry to hear your story. You are not alone. Keep coming here, the kindness and support is overwhelming! Hugs x