What to do next... Eviction ???

[Tcpookie]

Hi This is Amanda and Dave J. .. We are the parents of a 21 yr old daughter with adhd. She has struggled acdem. all her life.. but we managed to get her through high school ... After high school we enrolled her in a trade school of her choice with the hopes she would develope a career path. She dropped out after a very short time. Her excuse for failure seems to always come back to have ADHD.

For the past two years she has been drifting through life without any goals or responsibilties. She has become increasingly difficult to deal with and at times done right verbally abusive.

Dave and I have run out of ideas and are desparatly looking for advise.
?????
Dave and Amanda

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi Dave and Amanda. Welcome to our little corner of the board!

One thing I want to ask you right away is if you could contact the site administrator to change your login name to something less incriminating if that is your real names. I wouldnt want your friends, family or neighbors to be able to google you and find whatever you write here.

Ok...on to your daughter, is she taking medications for her ADHD? Do you feel that is all that is going on with her or could there be more? Is she amenable to treatment or is that just a waste of time even talking to her?

Some of us have been able to convince our kids to seek treatment in order to reside at home and work or go to school...or both. Others have had to have the kids move out. It all depends on the family and the situations.

Keep coming here and telling us your story and what problems you have.

Please do a signature sort of like mine so we can keep track of everyone's situation. After dealing with kids for all these years, we are slowly going senile I think. LOL.

 

[tiredmommy]

Hi Dave & Amanda. Welcome. Others will be along shortly to give you advice on your daughter but I need to ask you to contact our site owner, runawaybunny, to change your user name to something anonymous asap. We are viewed by people all over the world. I'd hate for someone to google your names and have your privacy (and that of your daughter) violated.

 

[Bean]

Third that, on the username -- unless it is a pseudonym. You'll find some good readings and information on detachment here, as well as some good stuff just pealing through the threads.

I would say that you should set up some boundaries immediately. Is she living with you? Does she work? My daughter is living with family right now and has no job, no schooling going on. It is very difficult, because most of her time is spent socializing and doing drugs -- and excessively using the internet.

The less an adult child can lean on their parents, the more likely they will be to take on the responsibility themselves. I think it adds another dimension, though, when they are doing drugs. Is your child using?

Welcome to the forum, by the way. I'm pretty new here too.

 

[maxeygirls]

Don't lose hope! My husband was severely ADHD, did just under 4 years in the Army right out of high school and ruined a marriage(never one sided but he really pushed it), and then his life went straight to h-e-double hockey sticks and he did it to himself. mother in law and a friend bailed him out more times than I can count, his credit score resembled an item from McDonalds dollar menu and although I met him during an 'up' time when he had just gotten a new job and was doing well, we have seriously struggled. Adding a bipolar kid to the mix didnt help much Im sure but about two years ago he finally got a wake-up call. I filed for divorce, mother in law told him he couldn't move back home, and his friend had moved away. He moved in with some buddies, partied hard for a few months and realized his life was empty. He's on the right track now, but it's a pretty steep hill.
This is just what has worked for my husband:
Set boundaries, be prepared to watch her fail, only help her as long as she is willing to help herself. It's hard. Dealing with my husband sent my mother in law into anxiety and depression issues, heck it sent me there and I don't have any disorders.
If she wants to remain in your home then tell her she has to be held accountable for her actions and be willing to communicate. Explain that while it is ok to take a time out for a little while when things get to be too much, she needs to stay on track. Explain that if she has problems with you checking up on her or she does not want to communicate then she has to go.
This may or may not work for you, only you know the answer. If there is only one thing I ever learned from my mother it is that our job as parents is to make our children independent and sometimes it doesnt always go smoothly.
Good luck, my prayers are with you.

 

[ML]

I would consider something like alanon to help you begin the process of loving detachment. At her age there's only so much control you have. My advice is to save yourselves and shift the balance towards letting go. And pray, come here, know you aren't alone and never give up hope.

Welcome!

ML

 

[Nomad]

Welcome. Would concur with- all that has already been said, including change your names here if that in fact is your real name. Runaway bunny is the site owner/administrator.

Are you sure that ADHD is in fact your daughter's only diagnosis? Is she taking medication? Do you think it might be time for a second opinion? Would your daughter be willing to go to therapy (talk therapy?).

I would probably try a few more things, but not wait too much longer before setting up some guidelines that she would have to follow in order for her to be allowed the privlege to remain in your home.

Just saw that she is verbally abusive. This must stop.. Are there drugs involved? Is there constant chaos? These things are to be considered....and all efforts should be made to eliminate them. I would calmly tell her that being abusive to you is something you just will NOT tolerate.

If she can't get with the program...then surely eviction might very well be the solution, and sooner, rather than later.

Many of us like a book called "Boundaries," by Henry Cloud...might be something to check into. At 21, it is clearly time for you to start pulling back emotionally...time to detach.

If your daughter is discovered to have a major mental illness (not saying that is the case) and all efforts fail...you might want to inquire about social security disability for her. However, this is just something to put in the back of your head as a possibility down the road.

Would start first with a Psychiatrist (MD) for possible medical treatment and a mental health counselor or psychologist for therapy. Talk with her (your daughter) about getting a job, even a part time one, and be sure to set clear guidelines re: boundaries/appropriate behavior with-i the home.

You might also consider setting a date for her to move out...her 22 nd birthday for example, or Jan. 1st of next year...something logical to you and your family. It would probably be best for her to not stay at home and do nothing...she's not learning anything this way.

Of course, if she is rude to you and/or breaks any other house rules...then all bets are off and that move out could be changed and made asap. You might even have to look into your state's laws re: this (a formal eviction). I would offer to pay for medical services (therapist, doctor, etc.), but if she continues to be verbally abusive to you, after fair warning, I would tell her that you can pay for her to go to the doctor if she would like...but that you will not allow her to remain in your home.Then do what you have to do to make that happen.

One final thing...nurture your relationship with your spouse.

Hang in there....

 

[witzend]

You don't say so, but I assume by your title that she is living with you. I suspect her inaction and lack of ambition stems from not needing a job. It is time to set a limit. Perhaps the end of February? Have a job and start paying rent. And don't make it a nominal rent. She'll be getting free room, board, food, heat, water, etc. Figure out what they're charging for a one room apartment in town and take $100 or so off of that and tell her you expect that payment on March 1st. If she can't find a job, she'd better find a friend who doesn't mind her sleeping on the couch or moving in gratis.

 

[Nomad]

I too like the idea of her paying rent and tying it in to her ability to stay at your home.

Perhaps you would consider the idea of starting off with a nominal rent for the first six months. Sometimes young adults become overhwhelmed when reality first hits and then give up....don't even try.

So, I would differ slightly with- the last poster and ask her to pay rent by a certain date (something rsoon) and I would tell her that the verbal abuse has to stop immediately.

These two things are very important.

Would also offer to pay for medical services...assuming she is open to them.

Again, if she can't get with- the program, well the idea of moving on to someone's couch ain't such a bad thing. Double check your legal rights, etc. You might have to give her notice of some kind.

Some good ideas have been presented here...bottom line is that having her to nothing and be verbally abusive should not be an option. Seems like you'll have to make this clear and take some action as well.

 

[Suz]

Dave and Amanda,

Take a look at the two detachment links in my signature.

Welcome!

Suz

 

[witzend]

Nomad is probably right about not pricing them out of reason. Just don't get caught up in this $100 a month thing. A kid babysitting 4 nights a month can come up with that. Figure out what she is earning - she goes if she doesn't have a job - then charge her 20% - 25% of that. Most anywhere else she'll pay 35% plus utilities, food, etc.

 

[busywend]

I fear I will be where you are in just a few short years. I do not know what I will do at that time. I imagine it will be extremely difficult parenting though.

HUGS!

 

[BusynMember]

I would wonder if she is taking recreational drugs.

I also think a new diagnosis is in order.