What to do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrsMcNear46, May 15, 2009.

  1. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    Greetings to all-

    It's been quite awhile since I posted...things had been going pretty well...now, well I'm just at a loss as to what to do or if I should or can do anything at all.

    Sweet Betsy had been maintaining well back in town with Lincoln and away from Scott...Lincoln's dad. She got a great job, taking care of Lincoln was priority, seemed to be really growing up. I was super proud of her.

    Three months ago, Scott moved back to town. Everything feel apart, as he told Betsy he would help her with Lincoln, but had no interest in a relationship with her. She seemed to be ok with it at first, but as time has gone on, she has fallen apart. She expains to me that if they all cannot be a family, she wants nothing to do with this life. She says she will not kill herself, but is going to party and be as self destuctive as possible.

    In the last week, she basically quit her job, her dad threw her and Lincoln out of his house and Scott has been letting her stay there. Lincolns other grandma has been scheduled to come get him and take him back to Florida for a month for a visit, which is a God send and they fly out today. Betsys behavior has been compulsive, reckless and she is basically out of control.

    I spoke with Sweet Betsy this morning, trying to encourage her that things will get better, that Scott is NOT the only man in the world ( he's a loser at best) and that to give herself time to move on. She has no interest in my opinion or my concern, and said if she can't have what she wants, life is not worth living.

    In the past 2 years, I have backed way off, don't rescue her anymore, but stay on the sidelines, encouraging and helping her with Lincoln. Now, I have no idea what to do, is there anything I can do?, but am terrified I am going to lose my daughter.

    Any words of advice from my wonderful board family?

  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I don't have any advice but will pray and am sending lots of hugs.

    Would the possibility of having Lincoln taken away because her reckless behavior help wake her up and straighten her out?

    I am so very sorry.


  3. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    She says she is done taking care of Lincoln...that she doesn't care anymore. If she can't have her entire family together, she doesn't want any part of Lincoln either. It is breaking my heart.

    I did talk to Scott and his mom this morning. Hopefully, something will be resolved while Lincoln is in Florida. If not, he may stay longer until Scott is equipped to take care of him.

  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Are you or other relatives in a position to care for Lincoln? Can you or another relative share in this responsibility in some way? For example...he could live six months with you and six months with the other relative?
    I've seen families where they curtailed support for their child, but gave support to the grandchild. It is difficult. My heart goes out to you...I wish I had more ideas.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Mrs. McNear---It looks like there is not much you can do. It sounds like either SweetBestsy is severly depressed and needs to seek help or she is being a brat and not ready to really grow up. You can ask her to seek some help, but as you know, it may not happen. Sometimes as parents, all we can do is pray. I'm sorry that she is choosing to go down this road. It will be hard on her later if she keeps traveling it!
  6. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    She has been in counseling for the past 9 months and it doesn't seem to have made a difference. She had a complete breakdown in March, was hospitalized for 72 hours, prescribed Celexa, but checked herself out. She took the Celexa for about 8 weeks, her weight dropped from 95 lbs. to 82 lbs. and the Dr. advised she quit taking it due to the weight loss. She claims she has no desire to change, she just wants Scott.

    I remember feeling this helpless when she attempted suicide when she was 14. I did manage to get her into treatment for a yr., but at 20, it's not that easy. I am just terrified that she will kill herself, purposely or accidently....and theres nothing I can do.

  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I know Julie. My difficult child had been doing so well for two years---then bam, the morning after mother's day all he** broke lose. I am worried about him as well as we had no choice but to make him move out of the house. He threatened self-harm several times, but is now just ignoring any communication with me at all----It breaks your heart even more once you seen them stable and then watch them go off in the other directions. Hugs.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi Mrs. McNear -

    I was so hoping that I would finally get to see a picture of Lincoln and WOW there he is - all grown up (okay since I heard about him anyway) and you with him?? Lovely picture = you can tell you love your g'son.

    Well about Sweet Betsy. My first thought is terminal brat syndrome. She's behaving very much and reverting completely back to what worked in her mind when she didn't get her way. At best it's regression at it's finest. Don't be too upset or surprised if she stomps her feet and acts like an ill behaved two year old. Her brain is on overload and she just can't figure out how to put the pieces together - so she reverts back to her self-taught coping skill of all or nothing tantrum.

    As far as her self - destructive behavior? Yeah - she's been working hard, while Scott has been goofing off. She's been working while Scott has been goofing off. She's been changing diapers, up all night, being an adult while Scott got the state to take care of him. In her own right and in her own mind - she's quite a catch. She works, she mothers, she diapers, cooks, plays - she's exhausted and wants to be a teenager again with NO responsibilities - SCott did it - why can't she?

    Very immature thinking from someone who has seemed to hold it together so long, but really - you just had to scratch the surface and find an excuse for her to go run buck wild. I don't think it's permanent and what I do think you and SB have in your corner is the fact that she's been doing this parenting routine and responsible person routine for what two years now? She's been a teenager for nine - and she probably resents Lincoln in her own way because he's the reason she can't just be irresponsible like the rest of the world. Sadly you're right. Nothing you say or do at this point are going to change her behaviors - but I would venture a guess that it's more - TIRED MOMMY syndrome and rejection that are driving her behaviors and not "I don't love Lincoln." her all or nothing statements are MEANT to be a poignant reminder to anyone around thinking about FORCING her to cowtow to adulthood again - they'd better think twice.

    She may as well have stood up on your kitchen table with a meat tenderizer and yelled "IF you make me take back Lincoln right now I'll hit myself." it's a desperate cry from a worn out teenager that has regrets of becoming a mother too soon and seeing that the man she had a child with has no interest in her - but oddly he will live with her? (HE is a peach) any port in a storm. UGH -

    I think the disappointment of Scott getting out of prison and having NO responsibilities for Lincoln all this time coupled with the fact that while she's been busting her behind? Then for him to get out I'm SURE in the back of her mind she figured they would be together and well, this guy is a realist - yup he had a kid, yup he didn't raise it, yup he didn't support it, yup Betsy did it all and NOW? NOW he doesn't want her? WOW.

    IT explains a lot about her - but mostly that she is after all just a kid who had a kid and now with Pimp Daddy in the picture she figured it would be all right.....and he'd run into her arms and they would be a loving family. THAT is not going to happen - but she'll figure that out on her own - AND I would suspect that if you can get with the Grandma in FL - and between the two of you figure out what Lincoln's future is? By the time you get the details ironed out, and TELL (the two of you gmas) SW exactly HOW YOU TWO are going to take care of HER child? YEah.......I see her coming back to wanting to be in control of something.

    My best bet is that if she felt someone else besides her was going to take TOTAL control over the son that she has invested her TOTAL last 2 years in? YEah - look for her to start thinking straight again. For now? I'd let her go, run, do - be an idiot.....and miss.....very much. HER son.

    I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts.
    Many hugs & Love
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think star may very well be right.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yep. I think Star nailed it.

    Betsy might be depressed, but I think she's a bit overwhelmed too. She got the raw end of the deal. (sadly they usually do, Nichole included)

    Sounds more like regressing back to the familiar. And Scott is actually making it worse by letting her stay there. Because most likely in the back of her mind.....if he'll let her stay, then he'll want her back eventually. (Nichole used to think that way)

    I'd make that baby's welfare my first priority. And as for Betsy........well.....if it were Nichole acting like that I'd tell her to s*ck it up and stop acting like a 2 yr old. (and believe me I have) I have no empathy for a grown up temper tantrum.

    I'm so sorry you and the baby are having to go thru this drama once again.

  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, and I meant to add........

    Lincoln is absolutely adorable!! OMG He's grown so much!!! :D
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I really dont know what to say either. I am in a mess myself and feel like I cant give advice because I dont even know what to do with myself. Anyway, I agree with Star. I think she has the best advice for you.
  13. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Mrs. McNear, I apologize if I missed something along the way but if Betsy had a "breakdown" in March and is now falling apart I suspect there is more going on.
    In a difficult child self absorbed world it is all about how they feel. Maybe having Lincoln and being a good mother was her way of proving herself worthy to Scott. He isn't interested so she lost all self worth.
    The baby has been a prop and she wants to drop it. Sorry that's not how life works. She should be accountable for this child unless she gets help. If she is suicidal then get hospitalized but party until she drops????????? Sounds like an excuse.

    I'm not sure what a breakdown means in terms of diagnosis but she sounds like whatever is ailing her needs more treatment.
    Last edited: May 17, 2009
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Dear sweet Julie,
    I am SO sorry this is happening. What in the world is going on with our children right now???
    I'm also dealing with suicidal ideation in young difficult child...
    What concerns me MOST is that your daughter and my son are PARENTS.
    What is going to become of our sweet grandson's???

    I don't have the answers sweety. I so wish I did.
    They have to choose help for themselves now that they are "grown".
    Surely Betsy has been told that if her self destructive partying gets in the way of her care for Lincoln she could very well LOSE Lincoln. How very sad.
    What is it gonna take for them.

    Know my heart goes out to you, LIncoln and yes, Sweet Betsy.
    They know not what they do, ya know.

    Love you always,
  15. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    Thank you so much my dear sweet board friends. Just as in the past, your encouragement, kindness and wonderful advice is helping me get thru this. When I was so distressed the other nite and didn't know what to do, or who to ask, my first thoughts were of you all. Thank you and again for you replies.

    The weekend pretty much was uneventful. I guess Betsys boss gave her another shot because she called me from work today...for this I am greatful. She has got to keep her job. Said she was going to sign up with the Housing Authority on Wed. in hopes of getting a reduced rent....said she needed at least 2 bedrooms so Lincoln could have his own room......I wanted to ask,"What happened to I'm done taking care of Lincoln?" but s held my tounge. She still sounds alittle manic in my opinion, but better than the crazy talk of Friday nite. She is into pysics and philosiphy these days...has some pretty crazy ideas about things and sometimes when she talks, I wonder if she's on another planet...

    Anyway, Star, are you sure you don't know this kid personally? You really hit the nail on the head all the way. Reverting back to the old ways of coping....I did mention this to her last week...like returning to an old friend, and of course I was called crazy, but that's exactly what she is doing. And yes, she is overwhelmed, kids and jobs do that to you, and I offer to help whenever I can, but it is difficult.

    Fran, I do think she needs to be on a mood stabilizer of some sort. When she melted down in March, she sobbed continually for 3 days...called me for help, and said she just couldn't deal with it all. I think they knew at the treatment center that she wouldn't be long term and really didn't help at all. She didn't even talk to a Dr.. until she wanted to be discharged. This was one of the so called best facilities in the St. Louis area and Betsy left there feeling like other than being drugged, what help was there for her.

    For now I'll take the only action I can and I will pray. I have really changed alot from the old days guys. Still very much concerned, but graduated from detachment school, and no longer rescue her. Lincolns other grandma and I will make sure Lincoln is well taken care of regardless. Let me tell you, he is the joy of my life and sure doesn't deserve to be in the middle of all of this.

    I will keep you posted and thanks again.


  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm delighted to hear that Betsy is once again thinking of Lincoln. I think this break will be (and I hope & pray) what she needs to recharge her batteries.

    I know it's a little out there, but it (take my word for it) would go a LONG LONG way with Betsy if Lincoln's Dad can't say something wonderful about how hard she's worked - then Gma could really give her some stroking - and make a whole world of difference.

    IT would have been nice just once in MY life to have had my mother in law give me any sort of recognition that I was doing something good with my son - her grandson. But she was so bitter, she couldn't part with one compliment. Not one. Always critical, always ugly - ALWAYS self.

    Just an FYI - if you're close to the other Granny- it could be just what our sweet Betsy needs to hear to charge her batteries further.

  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It's wonderful that Betsy seems to have come to her senses a bit.

    Stick around and offer some advice. Others can benefit from your experience!

  18. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    Thanks all. Suz, I sometimes wonder if my advice is worth 2 cents to anyone. I came to this board 8 years ago, have made some dear friends, and learned a whole lot. I don't think I would have ever come this far without the board. For that I am forever grateful and will never forget those who helped me get thru it.

    I will continue to lurk, if I see an opportunity where I think my advice will help, I'll offer. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for all of those in tough situations.

    Have a great weekend .

    Blessings to All,

  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oh, my goodness. This is just heartbreaking. No wise words, but I hope that Betsy will get some faith and some help.