What to say and what NOT to say about death

gottaloveem

Active Member
I was hoping that if anyone has dealt with similar loss - could you please tell me something that someone said to you that was memorable, appreciated or kind?

Oh Star, I'm so sorry you as well have lost a child.:sad-very: I don't think I knew that, but you may have told me when Alex first died. Like you, I don't remember much from the beginning.

Some of the things I have heard that has been memorable, appreciated or kind, is:

"You are in my prayers". (and I'm not religous, but it is a nice thing to say)
"We are thinking of you".
And the best thing ever, even to this day (almost three years later) is TALK about my son, tell me the things you remember, share with me about my son. Please don't forget him, because I never do. I don't think there is a right thing to say, people used to say to me, "I just don't know what to say", that is fine, better that then trying to come up with something. I used to say that nobody has any words that could make me feel better.

I agree that the worse things you can say to somebody who has lost a child is:
"he/she is in a better place" (HUH? I think a better place is here, with us)
"g-d has a plan" ( please, you don't think that could possibly soothe a broken moms heart?)

Remind her in the very beginning to take each moment at a time, to please be gentle with herself. As you know, the blow of losing a child messes with your mind, body and soul and you absolutely have to not expect a lot from yourself.

So sorry you are facing another loss of a child, (albeit somebody else's this time) I know he was very close to you and your family.

Sending many hugs..

(((((HUGS))))

Love,
Lia
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Oh Star. I remember a few years ago one of my favorite students died the day after school let out for summer. He was a delightful young man. All the kids called me---I went to his grandmother's house---she raised him---and just "took" care of all the kids. She was too busy grieving to deal with a houseful of grieving teenagers as well. I didn't say much except that I loved him too. The next year, on the anniversary of his death, she sent me flowers. I don't think I've ever cried like that in my life---even when I lost my grandparents and biodad. Knowing that she thought of me on that day---well, it touched my soul. I think just being there for her is the best thing you can do.
 

janebrain

New Member
Star,
I wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss--I didn't know. Also, Lia, I am sorry for your loss as well. I lost my son when he was 4 months old, I can't imagine losing one at 17 or 18 as you two have done.

Star, I'm sure whatever you say or do is going to be right. Your friend is lucky to have you by her side.

Hugs,
Jane
 
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