Mag, you said, "what do you do for anger management when they WON'T use what they've learned?"
You also noted MWM's advice on that - I'm with her. She & I each have at least one child with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), we have had a lot of practice and maybe made mistakes along the way as well as had some successes.
The tantrums like a three-year-old - you are very observant. because that is exactly like what they are. he simply hasn't got the social skills to throw a tantrum like anyone much older.
I've often described difficult child 3 to other kids, as being like a genius five-year-old. Instead of then expecting him to respond socially as an equal, they then have a better understanding if his behaviour is then not what they expect. If another kid doesn't understand (and if we don't understand, how can another kid?) then they will be afraid, and fear in a kid often leads to aggression and rejection. Once they have a more sympathetic understanding, they tend to be more protective and less judgmental. This then has a positive feedback response in that difficult child 3's behaviours improve as his anxiety level eases.
With your son, you have typical teen hormones aggravating the problems. Boys that age are going to be more aggressive and even more impulsive (if that's possible). This makes it even harder.
But by this age, they know what is right and what is wrong. The trouble is, they can't use that information when they are upset. Even as they lash out, they know it's the wrong thing to do, but they can't help themselves. You can practice and program them all you want, but if you can't program them WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY, it all goes out the window.
However - when I joined this site, I was recommended to read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It took me some time to get my hands on a copy, but I still absorbed some useful info about it from this site which I began to use. But once I got the book from the library and began to read it, we saw BIG improvement, just form me subconsciously changing my attitude and methods of handling our son. Then I had to explain it all to husband, so he could get on board too.
You might find it hard to believe, but there ARE some advantages to having a teen with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). They are loyal, once they give their loyalty. They are terrible at telling a convincing lie. They tend to be law-abiding, having an almost encyclopedic knowledge of what is right and what is not. Implementing this - it's another matter, when they are upset, but when they have control they are good. (I'm not talking about obeying parents, when they're given a task to do - that's another matter, and there is a good reason for this as well as a way around THAT problem).
They are less likely to get up to mischief sexually, or with illicit drugs. They are far less likely to get involved in gangs, unless they're the innocent dupes being used.
They're also generally very, very intelligent. They generally have a very keen sense of justice and fair play.
I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but the odds are far less. And all these things can be used. It often means you need to change your way of parenting - some things aren't needed, other things you may have discarded, still ARE needed.
The first, most important thing - try and get inside his head, try and see through his mind what is making him tick. And keep hold of this thought - inside, he's a good kid trying to do the right thing, but in despair at ever being able to get it right. No kid chooses to be bad. Aspie kids especially, want to blend in, or at least to have the skill to blend in when they feel they need to. But he's likely to be very frustrated with himself at his failure to "be good" and also with the world for keeping on changing the rules, when he's trying to understand them. His self-esteem is likely to be rock-bottom and serious depression is common. He needs to know you love him unconditionally - not easy when he seems so difficult.
Sensory integration problems can make it harder for them to hold it together, and more likely for them to explode. Communication problems, such as misunderstandings, also add to frustration. Punishing these should perhaps be a low priority for a while. A rage out of frustration - it's often quicker to help him hose down the frustration, rather than punish for bad language in the heat of the moment.
Giving him time to absorb an instruction, or to adapt to a required change in activity (I bet he plays computer games, and gets really aggro when interrupted?) can make a big difference.
Example - difficult child 3 is playing a car chase computer game. I call and tell him his dinner is ready. he either ignores or says, "In a minute!" He might even answer rudely, and scream at me to go away and stop bothering him. While this is unacceptable, it is natural. I don't immediately punish because there's no point - pushing the point is only going to cause a meltdown and I STILL won't get what I want - compliance.
So I get a brightly-coloured Post-it note, write on it "Dinner is served - 7.15 pm" (or whatever time it is that I have called). I ask him how long he will be, before he finishes the run or he gets to a save or pause point. If he gives me a time more than ten minutes away, I ask him to pause it before then. But I write down the time we agree on, under the first time. I stick the Post-It note where he can't miss it (say, the corner of the screen, but where it isn't obscuring his game) Then I walk away and set the oven timer.
When the timer goes off, I remind him again, "Dinner's ready!" and I add, "you said you would have stopped by this time, you agreed."
If he replies with, "I don't remember you telling me!" (and of course, he may not - these kids may reply with all the right noises, but totally blank out what you said) than I point to the note, and he can't deny it.
The first few times can be hard, but you HAVE to keep calm and not punish. Just point out that YOU are talking politely, and you are trying to do the parent thing by feeding him (or reminding him to have his bath, or whatever it is).
And the best thing - the penalty for non-compliance is a cold dinner, eaten alone. Natural consequences. No punishment enforced by a vengeful parent (which is often how they perceive punishment - definitely non-productive and not healthy).
A lot of the raging in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) comes from fear, frustration or anxiety. Punishing someone for an adrenalin reaction doesn't work - it's like punishing someone for being afraid of spiders. It's only going to make them MORE afraid of spiders.
Anyway, I've only touched the tip of the iceberg. Don't try to do too much at once, only deal with one tiny part of the problem. Consider him as a really untidy room which would benefit from being scraped out and dumped in a skip for total disposal and replacement - only somewhere in there is a precious, priceless, fragile object. So you clean the room slowly - no hurry, no timetable, only time and meticulous patience is needed - and slowly, slowly, remove and tidy, square inch by square inch. Keeping calm always and treating him with the respect you want him to treat you - if possible - helps. It all may seem like you're giving way and spoiling him, but it actually works a different way.
Read the book. Or read the thread on Early Childhood, which discusses the book. It will explain it better than I can.
by the way, I just heard easy child 2/difficult child 2 tell difficult child 3 to get off the computer game, it's 10 minutes since she warned him that it was time to stop gaming and begin his evening routine. He immediately turned it off with good grace and has got on with his tasks. Unheard of, even six months ago!
Marg
