What would you do??

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Feb 14, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    As you know, I jjoined facebook and starting really getting into more a couple of weeks ago. I've reconnected with people from all major phases of my life, and of course some here have made me their friend. :)

    Well, many of the people I've been chatting with are people I went to middle and high schools with and they didn't/don't know the horrid details of the family situation. However, my X did and he later married one of my best friends from high school, and she did know. She would have been the only past friend still living that knew except that since I ended up being her H's ex, she probably told her sis, that I had previosuly been friends with too- good friends. Anyway, the sis just joined FB and a mutual friend from way back suggested the sis request a friendship from me- which is now sitting in my box.

    Would you accept? I would have no problem if I knew that the sis wasn't really there to pass info to and from my ex's widow (he died about 5-10 years ago) And I wouldn't even mind either of them being friends with me on FB- I just don't want it to turn into a pathway for gossip and I don't want them blabbing about my personal besiness from 30 years ago to people I'm reconnecting with. But I have no way to know their intent. And the mutual friend that suggested this friendship has probably maintained a friendship with both the sisters because they have all stayed in the town we grew up in.

    And for those that have been on FB a while, is it common for it to turn into a cliqueish thing or used to pump people about others' business and other negative things - I mean for adults, not teen bullies.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would leave it. The other lady will get the same message. If she doesn't answer it, then she has no interest in being your friend.

    Are you sure that it is in your "in-box" and not one of those automatically generated things? The program does automatically recommend friends of friends when you're new. Especially if two of your friends are friends with two other friends. Like, if I friend you and Suz, and you and Suz are both friends with Abbey, then it will suggest that I might want to be friends with Abbey.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No, apparently she just joined FB and this is a request from her but it says this third person suggested it- I know that can happen because when several of us from here were just starting and befreindiing each other, it asks me to send suggestions to someone who I just befriended (SS) because she's just recently joined. But the sis apparently took the suggestion and sent me the request- it just has the mutual friend's name listed down below the typical friend request.

    Let's just say if I knew her intent was good or harmless, I would feel bad for not accepting it because we were all in band together for years and she introduced me to my first boyfriend in 8th grade. LOL! He and I have already chatted.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If it isn't a request from her, I'd ignore it. She has an equal opportunity to respond. For all she knows, you don't even know that you got the invite since she can't see your page and doesn't know how much you use FB. That's me, though. I'm stubborn.
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    If you don't accept the friend request, she probably will never know. I had a few that I sent Friend requests to and it was two full months before they accepted! But that's because there are lots of people on there who very rarely check their Facebook page - or they signed up and then never check it again. And if you hit "Ignore", it does not tell them that you rejected the friend request.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good idea, Thanks!! I'll keep an eeye on how this goes for a few days before doing anything. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. The ex has been dead so long, honestly, I can't see any normal person trying to cause his first wife a problem if the widow has- or should have- moved on by now. It's not like I ever caused them ANY problem and I didn't have his child so there were no custody or CS issues.
    But, the "new wife" called me and tried to instigate an argument or jealousy or something after they got married- I have no idea why and it did hurt my feelings that she would do that because she had been a good friend in high school. Anyway, I never heard from either of them after that phone call- I didn't buy into it I guess.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    For me it would depend on how much I wanted to re-connect with her.

    If you're still worried about gossip flying over events that took place 30 years in your past.........then I'd said that's a pretty clear no.

    Events that happen 30 yrs ago that are a big deal to you may be nothing to her now and she may spill what you don't want passed around by accident, not necessarily to hurt you.

    But odds are she already has and those who wanted to listen did, and those who know and could care less cuz it's your business.......Secrets never stay secrets in small towns. The people with the secrets only like to pretend they do because it makes them feel better thinking no one know's their business. Sadly though, that's a big downer about small towns. Every one knows everyone's business, especially anything that would be seen as juicy gossip.

    If you were uncomfortable enough to need a 2nd opinion......I'd say nope, you're not ready.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That sounds like a pretty wise way of looking at things, Lisa. And yes, you are correct about how that small town works. Most people moved out of there and went on to another lifestyle so I honestly doubt they'd be too impressed over someone trashing someone else on FB. I don't worry about my friends from here because you ladies already know the worst. LOL!
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    If it's anything like the small town I went to high school in, two-thirds of the people I went to school with live somewhere else now! A few still live there but the rest are scattered all over the country! It's not like they all keep up with each other that much.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's exactly what happened in my town- the small percentage that stayed MIGHT have ended up spending years gossiping and so forth, but most moved on. Of course, with FB, now all these people are communicating and seeing how each of us spent the last 30 years-not to gossip, but just out of sincere interest and to share old memories- we are all about 50 or about to turn 50 so it feels like a reflective period in life, I guess.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    My bunch all are either retired or getting close to retirement. And who would have ever guessed that 40+ years later we'd be getting back in touch and comparing grandchildren! It is reconnecting and it's a good thing, I think. And we've all grown up and matured and we've all come a long, long way from the petty insecurities we had in high school. Even the ones that were snobby back then have mellowed out and are nothing like they were as kids. Some big surprises there too! Some of the ones that seemed like such losers back then have been very successful and many of the ones who were dating in hgih school got married and are still together 40-something years later! Who knew!
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah- my first boyfriend, for lack of better term, and I made FB friends- he's dcivorced now so we chatted some and then I thought he'd gotten turned off when he saw my photos but we ended up chatting an hour or so thru fb Friday, then he called me and we talked about another 1 1/2 hour-after 33 years. We laughed and had a great time. That's why I have this work still to do tonight. LOL!

    Anyway, we were talking about those things in general. I guess when you grow up in the 70's culture with most of us having long shaggy hair, it was a little surprising to find that most of us turn out ok after all- and some turned out great!! And some people look the same, while others I have to go pull the yearbook out before I recognize them.

    How do you control who can see your friends if they do a search for you? When I go to someone's page the first time, sometimes I see their friends and sometimes I don't. Is there a setting to control that or is it determined by whether or not a person is logged in?
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2010
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm not only friends with my first husband, I'm friends with his first wife! And with Miss KT's father's former girlfriend M, who is so great with Miss KT. Had there been any lingering issues with any of those people, though, I would not have friended them.