when it gets so bad it's divorce time?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy423, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I think I may have bit off more than I can chew. I started school last year (the first thing I've done for ME, not for the family) after making sacrifices in the last 12 years for difficult child (and family). Well, husband and I seem to cycle in our marriage and we've hit a low spot. Then difficult child has her suspension/possible assault charges. we're under quite a bit of stress and I'm sure that both kids feel it. It doesn't help that husband has been quite vocal (negative) in front of them too. I just don't know what to do. i don't really want to disrupt the home life if difficult child isn't stable, but if it's part of why she's not stable maybe it's better to get out.

    I'm very lost. Not enough $$ to really afford a divorce, live on my own and take care of both kids!
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    The stress of raising our kids is tremendous. I always make it a plan not to make far-reaching decisions when I'm under so much stress. We've been married for almost 29 years now - our difficult child is 23 now. He has caused us much stress in our marriage. I went back to school from 2002 to 2006 when difficult child was still at home and at the height of difficult child-ness. So...I do understand stress.

    Some things to maybe consider:

    1. Counselling - many cities have sliding scale fees.
    2. Assistance from the local NAMI (Nat'l Alliance for the Mentally Ill)
    3. Your physician may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist
    4. Perhaps your pastor might be a resource too.
    5. School IEP might give some resources for parents.

    Good luck.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok- you have more than you can deal with and the stress is getting to all of you and effecting the marriage. All I can offer is that I don't think you should make a permanent decision under these circumstances. I don't know what might help- counseling, a break from each other, a weekend away alone together, all of the above- I don;t know. And, I can tell you that I'm not married so I'm certainly no expert on this one. But, the therapy I have received in the past- never make a serious, permanent decision when you are feeling this way....
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I'm on Hubby 3.0, so I may not be the best one to offer any suggestions, but...I agree with klmno, don't make any major decisions about your marriage right now. It's hard enough raising a difficult child without your other half being a stumbling block. There have been many days when I feel like I'm dealing with two difficult children that are about the same age, both competing for my attention and affection, and both expecting me to mediate and find in their favor.

    I would also check into counseling. If he won't go, go without him. Do whatever you can do to become stronger. When you are stronger, you will be in a better position to make any decisions you might need to make. Sending many hugs.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I just wanted to offer my support to you. I agree with everyone else in regards to not making a decision right now. Unless there are other things going on that you feel in your own mind are truly not good or not healthy. Only you know your relationship best.

    If you feel as though it is still salvable to any extent i'd say counseling also. Also, just to add in kids are incredibly resilient. Yes change is so difficult for our children, yet if you feel it is the best thing for you than that'll be the best decision for all of you.

  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Been there, felt like that, came THIS CLOSE...

    A lot of our kids' problems were exacerbated by husband's own mental health problems -- oh wait, look! I developed problems of my OWN TOO!!!

    We tried joint counseling (almost sank the ship because the counselor was a poor fit for husband).

    So I then went to counseling on my own, and also found a support group which helped TREMENDOUSLY for my own mental and physical health.

    I also sought counseling for the kids.

    Then, due to some physical health problems (seizures), husband finally started psychiatric medications and things started to change a LOT. I don't think we'd be where we are today, a relatively stable and happy family, had he not had the physical problem that led to his taking medications that helped both his physical issues AND his mental issues.

    Take care of yourself, number ONE. (Remember what they say on airplanes? Give yourself the oxygen mask FIRST, then worry about others around you). If husband won't go to counseling with you, then get help for yourself. It's very likely a therapist can listen to your situation with husband and offer some very helpful advice for how to manage things best, maybe even influence husband to be more cooperative and give counseling a try (if not with you, then by himself).

    Raising difficult child's is incredibly hard on a marriage, even the strongest ones.

  7. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Single mom here saying being single isn't all it's cracked up to be. I can also say that I have been in school for the last 15 years while being a single parent (except for 3 short years there). I will graduate for the third time in May with my MBA.

    Let me say that being a single parent is hell and going to school is hard work. Going to school is what I did for my kids so I could provide them with a better life. We now live 200 miles from where we use to, I have an excellent job, my kids are doing great and I'm so glad I made the sacrafices that I did. Throughout going to school, my parents (lived far away) always thought I should be home with my children instead.

    I'm looking forward to finishing school and spending a lot more time with my difficult child. Perhaps you could go to school and take just one class at a time. The years will go by and you will still be living them. Eventually you get there. Kids grow up and they go on about their lives. What will you do then?

    Just my opinion. Take what you want and leave the rest.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm not the best one to advise on this because I've been a single mom for 12 years and was pretty much a single mom while married. I don't know any other way to parent.

    But, is husband willing to go to counseling? The negativity in front of the kids needs to stop. He needs to understand the damage it does. The both of you need to be on the same page with your kids and with your marriage.

    Sorry you're going through this.

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Nancy,
    I think most of us have hit that low point at one time or another, and wondered whether we should throw out the baby with-the bathwater. And the tub, too.

    I would sit down with-husband and ask him to please be aware of his negativity in front of the kids. When you've got individuals with-depression and anxiety, they pick up on others' emotions and absorb more than they need to. He needs to understand that.

    with-o knowing much of your history, I can't say whether it's better with-him or with-o him, but I agree with-the others here--take a break for a weekend or something and give yourself some breathing room. You may need a weekend break every 5 wks or so, or even more often. Then make a decision.

    Counseling is always good. The therapist cannot, of course, lead you in one direction or another, but can help you sort through your emotions and values and decide what is most important to you. Sort of a marital version of The Explosive Child--Basket A, B, and C. :) That will help you make a decision.

    I hear your dismay, anger and loneliness.