when you see a police car outside and wonder....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Nov 28, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    if they're going to come in for your kid>? Sigh..... that was my day, but they did not come to our house thankfully, but now after last weekend (caught him with drugs) I sit here wondering..........

    It's as if I have no choices, throw him to the wolves (JV justice system) or the Lions (The drug dealing community) which the Lions put difficult child I and the rest of us in danger inclusing difficult child II who goes all about town, and everyone knows he's difficult child I's brother!

    I am fried!
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2008
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I am sorry you are in that situation. Talk about between a rock and a hard place.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Deep Breaths AOG, Deep Breaths.

    Come on, just work on calming yourself and breathing for a little while. It sounds like a totally horrible few weeks. I have been thinking and hoping things were not as bad as they sounded.

    I know it is a hard situation. You really really really really NEED to be going to NarcAnon or AlAnon or Families Anonymous meetings. They will help you with this, as will we.

    You simply have to know that you are not in control of what happens to difficult child 1. He is 17 an d you can't control his drug use or his alcohol use or his decision to sell drugs. If he is living with your parents (I am not sure if you are all still living with your parents) then by selling drugs he could cost them their home. If they lose their home then where will they go?

    If difficult child 1 is storing the drugs in their home, or he is conducting drug deals anywhere on their property then the State can come in and use the racketeering laws to seize your parents' home - throwing them out in their retirement years.

    If you allow difficult child 1 to stay in the home, then you are TELLING difficult child 2 that it is just fine to use and sell drugs. That all of the things you say about drugs being bad, bad for you, bad for the family, bad for everything - well, you are saying that that was all a lie.

    Because if it was bad then you wouldn't let him live at home while he did it. This is the message difficult child 2 is RECEIVING.

    I KNOW it isn't what you want to send. I KNOW it is not what you intend. Buti t IS the message he will receive.

    YOu iwll also send the message that itis OK to break every rule, abuse every member of the family, because the individual is more important than the family.

    You really have to call and tell the police that difficult child 1 cannot stay there because he is dealing drugs and using them and abusing the family and you won't tolerate him being in the house.

    The people he is dealing drugs with WILLeventually hurt difficult child 2. Or worse, pull him into dealing as well. They may already have done so. difficult child 2 is 12 or 13, isn't he? That is the age where dealer like to get kids hooked. They like to ahve people who can be in the middle schools and jr highs and not stand out. It is quite possibel that one of difficult child 1's jobs for the dealers higher up is to get his little bro to sell drugs also.

    If you have not already done it, it is time to search BOTH kids rooms when they are not at home.

    I KNOW it is scary to think about what the juvie system will do with/for/to difficult child 1. But is it scarier than what the drug dealers will do?

    You can't "save" difficult child 1. Only HE can do that. And right now he really doesn't want to. He may not want to for a long time. And that will hurt a LOT.

    I am not saying not to love difficult child 1. I am saying try to be strong enough to love him in a healthy way. Love him enough NOT to enable his drug use, his dealing, his abuse of you and his brother.

    Love him enough to let him hit bottom. Be there when he is working his way back up. But until he hits bottom there is NOTHING you can do that will help him.

    Nothing except make him deal with the consequences of his actions. And that means turning him over to the police. Refusing to have him in the home. Telling the police and whoever else that you can't have him in the home because he is a danger to his brother and to his elderly grandparents.

    This really really STINKS. It hoovers. It hurts. beyond anything else it HURTS.

    But you are strong enough to get out of an abusive relationship. And you are strong enough to let difficult child 1 face the natural and logical consequences of his actions. You are strong enough to free difficult child 2 from difficult child 1 and his abuse.

    Keep on breathing. Take it one step at a time. Instead of being afraid of the police car, see it as a sign of help. A sign of hope that your son will realize sooner, rather than later, that he needs help. I can't guarantee that juvy will be your oldest son's personal bottom. It might not be. But it is the ONLY step you have available, unless you want to wait and have them throw him into the adult system. As a minor you at least have SOME resources. They are not there for adults in the system.

    I know what I counsel is HARD. I know it is a TOUGH, horrible, awful set of choices. I will support you whatever you are able to do right now. I truly will.

    If you can't call the police, then PLEASE go to an al anon or narc anon meeting tomorrow. Don't put it off. Go to a couple of them if you can. You may also get a lot of help from the domestic violence shelter. They can give you counselling and groups to help you deal with all of this.

    gentle, gentle hugs.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I almost laughed when I read the title of the thread because I knew what the rest of it was going to be (laugh in a sad way, by the way). When my daughter was using drugs every time a police car was coming down the rode I was afraid it was going to stop at our house. Too often it did. We got to know a lot of the cops.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    I am really sorry you are in this situation. I have to agree with what Susiestar said. There are almost as people in my alanon meetings that are there to survive their kids as there are to survive their spouses. I am learning some things that have helped me detach a little with manster even though I originally came because of husband. It's truly helping me because I got sick living in such dysfunction. The only thing I have the power to change is me and that's not easy! I wish you much better days. One day at a time. Love, ML
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I smiled to myself when I read your subject heading. My difficult child is only 11 and I already know the feeling!
    You are deep into it, and I have to say, you've gotten some great advice here. Somehow, some way, you've got to detach.
    Many, many hugs.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    AOG- I definitely understand the feeling you have when you see a pokice car nearby. been there done that myself several times!!

    I'm really sorry that your difficult child 1 has put you in this position. One of my big concerns for you is that after learning how some things work with juveniles who get in trouble and how courts deal with families, if difficult child 1 gets busted and chances are he will at the rate he's going and they discover that you knew and didn't report any of this, then it can be used against you if difficult child 2 ever gets in trouble or if social services is ever involved, for any reason. They might not let difficult child 2 come back home. There are many bad things this can lead to if you don't do something- it won't be viewed as "look what that kid did to this family", I am afraid. I think many will view it as "why did she let this go on".

    Another option, in addition to what Susie suggests (which I second her suggestions) is to get that apartment that you talked about before and move you and difficult child 2 into it. Let the chips fall where they may with difficult child 1 and the rest of your family.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he has drugs in your home, YOU could be charged with having those drugs there too. That's a big reason why we had daughter leave the house at 18. I had two younger kids and couldn't risk arrest because daughter stored her drug paraphernalia and drugs all over her room...
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending you supportive thoughts and caring hugs. been there done that.
  10. compassion

    compassion Member

    About a month ago this scared gfgdd. She thought I had called the cops :) They were actually at a neighbors. It actuallykept her from running for that one day. :)
  11. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you all, it's a miserable season of my life, I feel numb to everything
  12. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    You are in a pickle and I vote to hell with the drug dealers. I would find out how you can pull an intervention to savWe your teen now. Move out of the area if you have to.
    Find another single mom who is standing up too.
    The thing is the drug dealing is ruining our childrens brains. So would you live in fear that the pollution in your neighborhood was inescapeable? No. You would move.
    Do not be all deer in the headlights. Make a list and set a date and don't tell your dealer boy what is up. Then move. Nip it. Show him that YOU DO CARE and it is not working for you.
    He will be ****** if you do and ****** if you don't so pick the one that saves you and your kids.
    The safty of your other children rates. If this one is determined to deal drug if you turn him in then the likelyhood that he will be trying to do it around you is slim. If you let the police in on it and they track down his dealer and so forthe then on one hand your misfortune is working like Round up. Some people, the ones you want to know, are going to look at you like a neighborhood Hero.
    It is not what you were wanting to do this holiday season, but what the hell. Coal is a christmas tradition too.
    Waiting to know what you do do and whatever that is I am sure you are doing the best that you can. Change is scary. I know. But when we do the things that are in our best intrest we show others that pathway...the liberty...is real. Bon voyage!
    My the road reach up to greet you!
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would say it is not easy to move. People have homes--they are hard to sell. People can't get loans these days. And the same problems exist in all areas. You can not run away from drugs, unfortunately. They are in the poorest areas and the richest areas. There IS no escape, and there is no way to round up all drug dealers and put them in jail. Most kids get drugs from other kids, not dealers off the street. As my daughter says "If you use, you sell."
    At 17 it is up to the soon-to-be adult to change. We can't move every time he messes up, even if it would change him, and it doesn't. There are drug addicts everywhere, and if teens want to find it, it's not hard. Housing is a big issue here in the US right now. I know we could not just move, even if we really wanted to. It's not a viable solution for most people.
  14. compassion

    compassion Member

    We moved thinking it would help-that was not the man reeason-we moved so she could be closer to healthier activites like volleyball , voice,etc. She still found a way to use. She is sober 2 weeks though, today. Compassion