Why am I feeling like this??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by KFld, Mar 8, 2011.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My son comes to me weeks ago and tells me he's relapsed and doesn't want to live like this anymore and asks for my help. He's back on the suboxone, yeah he was kicked out of his apartment, but he's in a hotel, he's working, he's able to pay his hotel and his car insurance, his girlfriend is working more hours so they shouldn't have any problem paying for whatever they need, but I'm pins and needles constantly waiting for something to happen?? I'm driving myself crazy. I think about it constantly, I can't sleep!! Why??????

    He should be getting his car back today or tomorrrow, which is great because we are still driving him back and forth, but he also doesn't have a license, which he should be getting back in the next few weeks, so I keep thinking about that. I'm praying he doesn't get pulled over in the meantime.

    I'm not sure if it's because when he was in his apartment if he screwed up, eviction is a long process and the hotel can throw him out no questions asked. Maybe it's because I found out my insurance won't pay for inpatient and I guess there is a kind of comfort in knowing if he relapsed and went inpatient, he would have a roof over his head??

    I've been reading my one day at a time in alanon every morning, saying the serenity prayer daily, trying to make myself just live and not worry, but I can't seem to make myself do it.

    Any suggestions on how to get out of this funk and stop thinking about things that haven't or may not even happen??
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    I can certainly relate and commiserate because i do the same thing to myself often. My first suggestion you are already doing, the one day at a time book and the serenity prayer.. If you could find a good parents meeting that would be good to. The only other thing that works for me is distraction... good fun distraction. Going out with friends who make you laugh, a good funny movie (not one about drug addicts or tragedy), a good absorbing book, a puzzle that makes you think about the solution, anything that you enjoy really. And to keep reminding yourself this is his journeym not yours.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    The problem is I know all of this and when I went through this when he was 18 I was able to work it all and detatch and go to sleep at night and for some reason I can't get around all that right now. Maybe because when he was younger I thought, he's only 18 and has so many years ahead of him to work through this and get it right, and 6 years later he still didn't get it.

    My best friend and I are going to attend the parent meeting in our area next Monday night and see how it goes. Ironically we both have 24 year old sons going through the same thing. We both attended years back and found it to be very clicky and I learned to take the lessons from it and I was able to use the tools I had learned without the meetings and I did good :)

    there are other alanon meetings around our area, but not parent ones and even though we didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling, attending a group with a room full of parents experiencing the same thing as you is so much different then a non parent one, so we are hoping maybe there are different people there now and we will feel more welcome. Maybe I need to find a good counselor, but it would have to be someone who understands addiction.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Alanon is awesome when you find a group that fits.........and still not a bad idea if you don't feel one fits perfectly. You don't want a group of people soooooo supportive that they won't tell you like it is should you need it. Know what I mean??

    I did this sort of worrying the first several times bff was determined to kick alcohol/drugs. Well, I knew enough about it being all up to her that it didn't keep me up nights........but yeah over worried in the day and tried to nip any self sabotage in the bud sort of thing. But sometimes I'm a hard learner. And on this I was. I mean I knew that it had to be all up to them, the whole deal........but it wasn't until like the 20th time I heard "I need to change, I need rehab" when it really hit me hard that it was up to her, not me. And the worry stopped on that level. The caring didn't, just the worry part. I could keep it put on her where it belonged instead of on me where it didn't belong, while I prayed for her and went on with life. I'd do things to help that only helped as far as sobriety.....and not a ton of that as it's a tight rope as much as not. I'm still not sure if it's because you really can't keep that high level of worry going on forever.......or if, failure after failure with bff showed me it really really is completely up to her. Maybe a bit of both.

    Long ago they used to have an alanon book that was truly wonderful. I read it from cover to cover so many times I think I wore it out.......not sure what happened to it or even if they have them anymore.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think of it as sort of a PTSD reaction, for me. You're so used to things going wrong that it's hard to trust when things seem to be on the right path. You're afraid to get used to it. All you can do is keep moving forward with what you're doing... reading, attending meetings...practice, practice, practice! Social distraction is also a wonderful suggestion, for me personally, that's something I need regularly.
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Maybe that's it. I feel like he's just destined to always make the wrong choices and I have to keep reminding myself, they are his choices not mine. I think sometimes I wonder if he's really capable of making the right choices? I don't get the way his brain works sometimes, or should I say most of the time :)
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think it's mostly having to live with uncertainty. In your case you were blessed with years of peaceful living and probably weren't anticipating the return of fear and chaos. Chances are you were as blindsided this time as you were the first. It takes time to resort. You're doing all the right things to help yourself and your family. I know it's hard but you'll make it, my friend. DDD
  8. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I know the feeling- gigantic dread just hanging over you! When I get like that I stay crazy busy. I work a ton, go to new places to hike with the dogs, clean the house (and I hate to clean)- I even clean out drawers and closets. It helps keep my mind busy and I get a sense of accomplishment from all the stuff I've done. At night I play computer games or work jigsaw puzzles. I nearly always have a jigsaw going which I work on while I watch TV- double distraction so my mind does not have time to worry!
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Bingo!! I think a lot of what I'm feeling is resentment that I have to deal with this once again!
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I clean too - I clean anyway - but when I'm upset? I get over-organizationally clean. I think it's a built in gift I gave to myself for allowing myself to get upset.

    D3 - You put that brilliantly!! I don't know which is worse - living somewhere in your mind like limbo where you're always expect to have chaos and thus never achieve total peace OR go on and have peace, and enjoy it for however long you have and then get blindsided. Both leave you restless one a little at a time, the other hits you all at once. Neither seem fair.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was going to say that I think you had all those years of feeling like he had made it that when this hit, it really knocked the wind out of you. I pretty much live feeling like there is an anvil hanging over Cory. It will probably take years upon years before I feel that going away. If ever. I dont think I will ever truly feel that he is safe.