Matt is moody all over the place. He is changing medications, so you know Xmas is always the best time do that. Not. He woke up a grump on Xmas morning but his friend came to breakfast in a suit. His friend M seemed so excited, Matt not so much. Lovely. Then an hour later we are trying to continue some family tradition despite my dad's passing, and we all opened presents. I had only gotten M 3 or 4 things....because you know he was our guest, and Jewish, and I barely know him, and his parents should have sent him presents, but regardless M's feelings apparently got hurt and he made a comment to Matt about how all he got were crappy gift cards and Matt got a new phone etc. Yes M is a complete difficult child. It made Matt cry. Matt was trying so hard to make M feel part of all this. So was I. I think deep down M was mad because his millionaire father sent him nothing-but Matt perceived it as a failure on his part for not being the family M really needs. So in the afternoon, my aunt and uncle came over for dinner. They bought us each a gift that was shallow and void of really knowing who we are as people, but whatever. I got their dog an Oregon Ducks banadana which was the hi-lite of their christmas. It only cost 15.00 and a little thought. You know? Anyway, they gave M and Matt both hunting knives. Within minutes M was in the garage crying because knives make him feel bad feelings, like urges to hurt himself or animals. M was terrified of the knife and was shaking when he told me to please return it for him. Wow. I had no idea. So then, at dinner, my aunt stated about 18000 times how much she misses my dad. I was about to push her off her chair if she mentioned my dad again. Do you how much mental energy it took for matt, my mom, and me, to try and stay centered all day block the fact that he was not here for Christmas for the first time, ever? People can just be so shallow and vapid. Anyway, by 9 tonight M was pacing and jittery, and Matt was crying and feeling horrible that he didn't get his friend the right present, and that he had failed to create the perfect holiday for his friend......my mom got teary eyed missing my dad.....and I contemplated using the dam knife on myself or locking myself in a closet and screaming. I have no idea why I thought this whole day might be happy. I really need to be more realistic. I really, really do. I do this all the times with things... This was by far the most emotional holiday ever. I am very glad it is over. Now I have to drive M to Portland with Matt tomorrow. I can o ly pray the rest of M's trip sails more smoothly .