Why did I think this time would be different? Restraining order ready to go...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by VickiL, Mar 27, 2008.

  1. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    Justin and Ashley and Kyla have been in CA exactly one week and they have already alienated my family. He is refusing to work certain jobs, they have no money and her family is on the phone all day and all night convincing her to come back to MO. Today it all hit the fan. My mom calls me in tears, as she is caught in the middle of my sister, stepdad and Justin. Suffice it to say, I have been in tears ever since. I was so stupid to think that these two selfish, unappreciative children would change their habits and do what was best for their daughter.

    I am too wiped out to go into much more detail, but let's just say that the last conversation I had with my son I was told that it was all my fault that they weren't doing well in CA, I had PUSHED them to move to CA and that he was going to move back to MO and "make my life a living he**" and "Burn down my house". I have an order of protection just waiting to be filed when he hits MO soil. I am so over him. This is the last bridge he will burn with my family and with me. I love him, but I don't want him or his girlfriend anywhere near me, husband or our home. As far as the baby goes, guess I won't be seeing much of her since Ashley is convinced I MADE them move to CA to "get them out of my hair". She is so young and so dumb. Oh well, I have learned my lesson finally and Justin finally crossed the line I never thought he would with me. Guess I now know what my limit of what I will tolerate from my son is...
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sending many warm gentle (((((((hugs))))))) for your broken Mommy heart.

    Sounds like the time has come to let difficult child be truely independent. I'm so sorry it has to be that way. Hopefully it won't take girlfriend long to wise up and see the truth.

    Good idea to have the restraining order ready. I'm so sorry neither were smart enough to run with the opportunity.
  3. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    I'm so sorry! I think that is one of the hardest parts -- you get your hopes up and then some sort of baloney hits the fan. Don't let him push the blame on you! He needs to take responsibilty for his own life choices. Keep strong!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    awww vicki, Im so sorry things didnt go the way you planned. I know you are heart-broken over that baby.

    I will keep you in my prayers that maybe they will come to their senses soon and see that a baby needs grandparents.
  5. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    Thank you all for you good thoughts...it helps more than you'll ever know. You all are really the only ones who understand what I'm going through.

    I really have no desire to talk to him. I did, however, have a long talk with husband last night. He is way past his limit with Justin as I am. He said that until he gets some mental help for his anger problems, which actually are abuse, he is not allowed to step foot on our property. I hated telling husband because I knew exactly what he was going to say and do to protect us and our property. I honestly don't want to have anything to do with Justin, or Ashley for that matter. They have a toxic relationship, blame all of their problems on me and I'm sick and tired of it. I won't let Kyla want for anything, but I just wish she didn't have to have them for parents. Maybe years down the road things will change, but I highly doubt it.

    All I can do and am doing is letting go...and to tell you the truth, it feels pretty good. It's going to be an ongoing process, I know, but right now it feels very freeing, like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have the Serenity prayer taped to my computer at work and repeat it over and over all day. That helps, too.

    I guess I was just so proud of how Justin was acting in the last couple of months that I forgot what a true jerk he can be to everyone in his life. It's the whole "You owe me" attitude so many of our difficult children have. And I am so over with it. Line in sand was crossed and there will have to be a lot of time and trust to rebuild on his part. Threats aren't his best weapon at the moment.

    But, knowing I have husband and all of you makes this much easier right now. Now if I could just get this across to my mom and sister, but that's a whole 'nother story...my mom is "fixer" and has passed it along to my sister where Justin is concerned. It's too bad they have to see he really hasn't changed in the last few years, but maybe now that they see him for what he really is, they will let go, too.

    Again, thank you all so much for the support!
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Huge hugs for you. I can tell you that I know what you mean about how it feels good. It's like someone who has suffered passed, and while you are sad about not seeing them - you're happy that you're not going to be in pain over that person any longer. I had the same feelings with Dude.

    We (husband and I) got to a point that we were going to be divorced before we ever got married. And then it hit me like a ton of brick - Dude at this point would say "OH gosh mom I'm sorry about you and Dad" and then trah lah lah on his merry way maybe even 10 seconds out of site be calling someone, or email someone for HIS day and HIS life and HIS needs, and HIS cares - and I'd be sitting there in that house unable to do all the bills ALL ALONE. I'd loose my home, I'd loose my sanity- I'd loose the love of my life, and maybe even my life due to severe depression and WHERE would Dude fit into this? - He wouldn't - he'd be off living his life on his terms, his way with his own gratifications. I truly felt at that point in my life with my son that should I die tomorrow - he'd find someone to replace me before I was cold in the ground - someone that would provide things he needed.

    And that was my snapping point because I knew in my head I was not wrong. I KNEW I was not feeling sorry for myself. History had told me over and over that this was going to be a reality. Did I really want to endure it .........again?

    In a way I felt a twinge of guilt. I felt for a moment if I had done a better job things would not be like this, and then I sat and asked myself WHAT could I possibly have done better? I did the best I could every time I made a decision - Ever time I allowed him to go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), everytime I allowed a new therapist. I went out of my way to be forgiving - (thinking Mother Teresa must think I'm a saint) for the times and behaviors I've overlooked. The things in life I gave up to make a better life for my son.....and now? At 17 1/2? Almost 18 - what more could I do - how much more would I allow him to hurt me was the bigger question.

    And - that's when I decided - I was done. Until things dramatically change and I'm treated with the respect I deserve - I stepped out of his picture. And you know what - whether he'd ever admit that to me or DF - he had to admit it to himself.

    He's still Dude - but today I demand respect and I KNOW how to not engage him in a who what where when why conversation - and I'm alot better at saying my new favorite word to him .....Ummm hmm. Or Ohhhh.

    Congratulations of sorts - Mixed blessings here from me.

    Just tell yourself this MAY BE the BEST THING you have EVER EVER done for you or your son and stick with it!

  7. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    Thank you, thank you, thank you Starb...I am sitting at work with tears in my eyes, realizing that you are so right and I so understand what you went through with Dude. Justin would always come out number one, even if I was dead and buried, too. So, I know what you mean about where do they fit in our "pictures" of our lives.

    The only person I can change is myself and my responses to him. At the moment I haven't heard from anyone in CA at all today and it's nice. Probably just jinxed it, but who cares. I don't have to answer the phone since we have caller ID and an answering machine.

    Nothing else I have tried has helped him or helped me. Yeah, there's a twinge of guilt, but not much. Anger, lots. Frustration, even more. But slowly but surely I will let go of all of it...

    You are the best group of people I have ever been blessed to have in my life! And Star, really, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Vicky...I am so sorry. Lots of hugs to you.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry things don't change for our kids. I'm even sorrier you're going to lose your grandbaby because of this stupidity. I won't comment on your son's arrogance and cruelty in threatening you. That is just unfathomable.

    California is not an easy state to succeed in unless you have true skills and abilities. It's not as laid back as people think. I moved from there to further north many moons ago. It is great state but really doesn't handle poverty, laziness and stupidity too well. I've seen (and heard) of many youngsters moving there, thinking things will be easy and scurrying back home when reality hit (and I'm not talking the ones who knew they would be stars overnight but nice, average kids).

    So, other than blaming you, do they have any concrete plans of what they will do if they move back to MO? Do they have any memory of why they really left? And so nice of her family to support her and help her make the transition of moving so far away from them.

    Aw, hugs .. I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now. We need an island where bratty kids for whatever reason are not allowed, where we can kick back, do what we want and, most importantly, dig our toes into the nice, warm sand and be kids ourselves. May you find your island amidst all the mess around you.

  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Vickie, I am so sorry.

    Big, gentle hugs.
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    You always hope for a positive change and think given another chance with a "clean" start perhaps the outcome will be different. Sorry that hasn't happened, but don't feel bad for wanting that. Who is paying their way back home? It might not be they will return, so don't take it as gospel until they are on your doorstep.
    I think you have made it plain and stick with your plan. Hey, if you "made" them move to CA why don't you just "make" them smarter too......Who knew you were so powerful?..... Hope they can pull together a plan and take on their own lives instead of blaming anyone else for their choices.......
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    It's painful, but also relieving when you get to this point. When you step back and let them have their own lives, albiet pitiful lives, you get to move on. It sounds like you NEED to move on. Having a grandbaby doesn't help...probably makes it more painful.

    J's girlfriend was pregnant. I'm sad to say that I was devastated at the news. He can't take care of himself, let alone a baby. They terminated the pregnancy. Whether people approve of that or not, at least there wasn't someone brought into this world under those parents.

    Your family will see the 'light' soon enough. Hopefully, they will not enable him.

    Protect yourself.

  13. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    I will keep you & your family in my prayers. I am so sorry that most of our difficult children all share that knack of showing us glimpes of behaving like 'normal' teens & young adults only to show their true colors before we can even catch our breath.

    Don't for one minute feel guilty about ANYTHING - I'm starting to think the only chance our difficult children have of ever turning their lives around is when we draw that line in the sand & say no more.
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member


    As you said you can't change him but you can change how you deal with his garbage. I hope someday things will be better between you and him but for now just know that you did your best and HE didn't. Hugs to you. -RM
  15. sharonj

    sharonj New Member

    Hi Vicki,

    I am new here, so I don't know all that you have been going through or for how long, but I think we must be in a similar situation. I have searched and searched for someone who might understand my circumstance and finally I may have found it.

    I wouldn't want to burden you with all the gory details of my story, but I have a 20 year old daughter and one year old grandson living in my house right now. Daughter comes home when convenient, takes baby when convenient and I sit here with chest pains, can't eat, can't sleep, blah, blah, blah when she takes him out of the house. She left with him Saturday, a very cold day with no blanket and barefoot. She came in late last night and when she got up with him this morning, he still had on the same clothes he left in Saturday morning. I can't talk to anyone for fear that if anyone knew what's going on, DSS would step in and take the baby. My husband and my parents think my only choice is to continue living like we are, facilitating daughter neglecting the child. This child is the most precious child that ever lived and if I make any moves she'll take him away. I am of the opinion, however, that she will take him anyway when the mood strikes her and I that I have got to save myself.

    I am seeing a therapist and on therapy days, it seems to help a lot, but before I can process anything, we have a new drama to deal with and I feel like I'm climbing a mountain almost everyday.

    Anyway, I am truly sorry for your pain. I wish I had your strength, but at this point, I don't and I think the situation may literally kill me.

  16. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    Thank you to all of you! I am doing so-so today. Yesterday was more "drama central" out in good ol' CA and I just feel sorry that I placed my Mom in the middle of it since she is living at my sister's house since the two of them cannot be trusted to be there alone.

    They both are abusing each other and I basically told my mom to just call the cops the next time it happens and let one or both of them go to jail. It's what Justin is begging to have happen anyway. ): The baby needs to be placed in foster care and taken away from both of them. Justin was supposed to start a part-time job today, but doubt he will. They have no money at all and the only thing my mom is paying for right now is Kyla's formula.

    I had read and re-read Detachment 101 and the Letting Go steps. Saying the Serenity prayer almost constantly. I refuse to let them treat me with any more disrepect. If I am such a horrible, cruel b**** that Ashley has convinced Justin that I am, they both can kiss my hiney. I really am so done with them. It will only be a matter of time before my family in CA is completely done with them, too. Justin knows that this is the last chance he gets with my family. He screwed up one other chance two years ago.

    Oh, and if all that's gone on wasn't enough, I have heard that she might be pregnant again! I really wish he would just wake up and leave her, but that isn't gonna happen, not with Kyla in the picture and not yet.

    Sharonj, you have found a wonderful group of people, a lot that have been or are going through what you are. I think I may be too harsh in what I believe you should do with your daughter. I'm learning that threats are not a good way to get me to be on your side and support your decisions. And I have thrown Justin out of my house for over a year when he was 18 just for that. He lived on the streets for that year and seemed like he was actually "getting it" up until a couple of months ago. Gee, right about the time his daughter was born...

    He needs to get help for his anger and depression and I told my mom to just take him to the free clinic to get some kind of help. My sister is a nurse and should be able to better tell her what he might need than I can. I just wish I could close my eyes and make this all go away. If my mom and sister weren't involved I truly believe I could. Even with the baby involved. But I'm very protective when it comes to my mom and sister.

    husband said last night that hindsight is 20-20 and if we could have possibly known how this all was going to go out there we should have just let them stay in MO and duke it out here and not involve my family.

    I am such a horrible mother for trying to give them a chance at a good life with their daughter...I should be so ashamed of myself:wink:

    Thanks again for being here for me...may need more support in the coming days and weeks, but I am feeling better and stronger everyday.