Mattsmom277
Active Member
*growl*
So many of you know that my mother is bipolar (and I suspect some major personality disorder mixed in there). She has been on a medication for over 15 years, it is NOT a long term medication, and it is not a mood stabilizer or anything. She and I barely, if ever, speak. My choice.
My older brother lives in the same complex of townhouses as our mother. Codependent isn't strong enough a word for their level of dysfunction.
Anyhow, I've had the same Christmas plans for many years. They know this. Part of that is that I don't exchange gifts, period. We buy for easy child and difficult child. We buy for S/O's daughter. Sometimes S/O and I exchange, sometimes we don't. We buy for S/O's mother who is a sweetheart. Usually easy child or difficult child bug me to buy for my mother. I send the gift via my brother. Aside from that, we celebrate here with the 4 of us. A quiet family centered holiday done how we enjoy it, with phone calls on Christmas Day to extended family to send greetings, etc.
My brother is pushing me to madness!! First he was bugging me to do what I did years ago, host the entire extended family for a large turkey dinner. Nope. Then it was me hosting a potluck (which would end up being me doing it all anyhow) at a banquet type room in a cousins apartment building. Now it is him bugging me daily to go to his house on Christmas day. easy child is with bio dad and step mom on the 25th. S/O, difficult child and I will go the movie for 3 back to back films that day. The theater is near to my brother (and mothers) house. He's relentless in trying to get us to go there before the movies for a few hours, or afterwards. Nope. My mother will be there and none of us can cope with her.
easy child initially asked that we send (via my brother) fancy platters to my mother. Cold cuts, cheese trays, pickle trays, veggie trays, baking trays etc. She then changed her mind, and we picked a very lovely leather bound bible for my mother. (My mother is very religious) We had it inscribed and wrapped it and sent it via my brother.
Well .... that was soooooooo the wrong thing to do. My mother opened it upon recieving it. Oh well, at least she'll enjoy it. I don't mind if she doesn't mind not having a gift on the 25th to open. My brother called. How much was the bible? Umm, why??? It looks very expensive. Umm, well it wasn't cheap but it is gorgeous and it will last her lifetime. Yeah, but how much was it?? Umm, I'm not comfortable sharing that information, it isn't important anyhow. easy child picked it out and it was truly coming from easy child's heart, buying a stunning bible for her grandmother, the grandmother she can't be around but who is in her heart. I'd have paid anything it cost since easy child's heart was so involved in picking it.
My brother now believes that since we could afford a pricey gift for my mother, that we have no "excuse" to not buy for him and for his kids (all 5 of them, plus his former step son who he still has visitation with). Umm, no, we can't afford it. S/O and I have scrapped ideas of exchanging ourselves. We don't have the budget. And it isn't just about money. It's about not wanting to trap ourselves any longer in the feeling that Christmas is a time to show love via "stuff". it is offensive to me. I don't see my brother often. I barely if ever see my nieces and nephews. At Christmas, I would enjoy time spent together in a healthy way, feeling bonded etc. That would be a true gift. I miss his rugrats.
Then I got "the list" anyhow. A list for every one of his 5 kids, and his former step son. Umm, huh????????? Yup. A LIST. Not a single item each would enjoy, but a list for each. And this AFTER i stated that I really do not plan to ever wrap my holidays in gift giving again but I would love a visit (without our mother) at his home or mine, when his kids are with him. That I'd make a special lunch, special dessert and we can play games with the kids, maybe take them all sliding or skating or something. Apparently that isn't okay with him. It's about sparkly shiny wrapping paper covered parcels .
He then told me his wish list. A pricey mp3 player with video capability, binoculars with built in digital camera, a acoustic guitar. I am not even buying my beloved spouse a gift!!
So, my time isn't enough. A nice lunch, games, a fun outdoor activity with all the kids, that isn't enough. It was made clear that I wont' be seeing his kids for a fun filled day if I am going to disappoint them by not recieving a christmas gift from their only aunt.
So I told him I was really sorry he didn't think the kids would enjoy a fun day spent together. That I happen to think that they'd thoroughly enjoy it, but its his choice and if that wasn't what he wanted, then I simply send good wishes to them all and hope that they enjoy their time together during their holidays.
He also went so far as to tell our mother that we were coming there on the 25th, never did I say or imply or let him think it for even a second. So now she's apparently upset that we've "cold shouldered" her.
Have I mentioned enough that I'm really looking forward to S/O finishing his aviation program so that the military posts us far far away?
I resent people stealing my Christmas Zen
So many of you know that my mother is bipolar (and I suspect some major personality disorder mixed in there). She has been on a medication for over 15 years, it is NOT a long term medication, and it is not a mood stabilizer or anything. She and I barely, if ever, speak. My choice.
My older brother lives in the same complex of townhouses as our mother. Codependent isn't strong enough a word for their level of dysfunction.
Anyhow, I've had the same Christmas plans for many years. They know this. Part of that is that I don't exchange gifts, period. We buy for easy child and difficult child. We buy for S/O's daughter. Sometimes S/O and I exchange, sometimes we don't. We buy for S/O's mother who is a sweetheart. Usually easy child or difficult child bug me to buy for my mother. I send the gift via my brother. Aside from that, we celebrate here with the 4 of us. A quiet family centered holiday done how we enjoy it, with phone calls on Christmas Day to extended family to send greetings, etc.
My brother is pushing me to madness!! First he was bugging me to do what I did years ago, host the entire extended family for a large turkey dinner. Nope. Then it was me hosting a potluck (which would end up being me doing it all anyhow) at a banquet type room in a cousins apartment building. Now it is him bugging me daily to go to his house on Christmas day. easy child is with bio dad and step mom on the 25th. S/O, difficult child and I will go the movie for 3 back to back films that day. The theater is near to my brother (and mothers) house. He's relentless in trying to get us to go there before the movies for a few hours, or afterwards. Nope. My mother will be there and none of us can cope with her.
easy child initially asked that we send (via my brother) fancy platters to my mother. Cold cuts, cheese trays, pickle trays, veggie trays, baking trays etc. She then changed her mind, and we picked a very lovely leather bound bible for my mother. (My mother is very religious) We had it inscribed and wrapped it and sent it via my brother.
Well .... that was soooooooo the wrong thing to do. My mother opened it upon recieving it. Oh well, at least she'll enjoy it. I don't mind if she doesn't mind not having a gift on the 25th to open. My brother called. How much was the bible? Umm, why??? It looks very expensive. Umm, well it wasn't cheap but it is gorgeous and it will last her lifetime. Yeah, but how much was it?? Umm, I'm not comfortable sharing that information, it isn't important anyhow. easy child picked it out and it was truly coming from easy child's heart, buying a stunning bible for her grandmother, the grandmother she can't be around but who is in her heart. I'd have paid anything it cost since easy child's heart was so involved in picking it.
My brother now believes that since we could afford a pricey gift for my mother, that we have no "excuse" to not buy for him and for his kids (all 5 of them, plus his former step son who he still has visitation with). Umm, no, we can't afford it. S/O and I have scrapped ideas of exchanging ourselves. We don't have the budget. And it isn't just about money. It's about not wanting to trap ourselves any longer in the feeling that Christmas is a time to show love via "stuff". it is offensive to me. I don't see my brother often. I barely if ever see my nieces and nephews. At Christmas, I would enjoy time spent together in a healthy way, feeling bonded etc. That would be a true gift. I miss his rugrats.
Then I got "the list" anyhow. A list for every one of his 5 kids, and his former step son. Umm, huh????????? Yup. A LIST. Not a single item each would enjoy, but a list for each. And this AFTER i stated that I really do not plan to ever wrap my holidays in gift giving again but I would love a visit (without our mother) at his home or mine, when his kids are with him. That I'd make a special lunch, special dessert and we can play games with the kids, maybe take them all sliding or skating or something. Apparently that isn't okay with him. It's about sparkly shiny wrapping paper covered parcels .
He then told me his wish list. A pricey mp3 player with video capability, binoculars with built in digital camera, a acoustic guitar. I am not even buying my beloved spouse a gift!!
So, my time isn't enough. A nice lunch, games, a fun outdoor activity with all the kids, that isn't enough. It was made clear that I wont' be seeing his kids for a fun filled day if I am going to disappoint them by not recieving a christmas gift from their only aunt.
So I told him I was really sorry he didn't think the kids would enjoy a fun day spent together. That I happen to think that they'd thoroughly enjoy it, but its his choice and if that wasn't what he wanted, then I simply send good wishes to them all and hope that they enjoy their time together during their holidays.
He also went so far as to tell our mother that we were coming there on the 25th, never did I say or imply or let him think it for even a second. So now she's apparently upset that we've "cold shouldered" her.
Have I mentioned enough that I'm really looking forward to S/O finishing his aviation program so that the military posts us far far away?
I resent people stealing my Christmas Zen