SonBrotherFather
New Member
This is my first post. I found this group several months ago and felt compelled to join. I have not responded to any posts yet, as I just resumed gathering my thoughts. So many of your circumstances have similarities to mine.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and comments. I would love to read some of the recent posts in more detail.
My situation is unique, as I am posting as an older sibling who has taken on responsibilities as a 'parent' to my younger 50-year old brother. My brother lives on his own and has always held low-paying jobs and has lived check-to-check for most of his life. He refuses to budget and often is unprepared for minor emergencies and/or car maintenance, etc. He has no desire to learn new skills. And he blames everyone but himself for his situation. He also has an explosive temper, which prevents any constructive conversations.
Summary
My mom is very frugal; basically she expressed that when she passes on, her assets be split among me, my sister, my brother and her grand-kids. So she takes her monthly SS check and does what she wants to do (and leaves the home proceeds and her CDs alone). She is slowing down, so I encouraged her to do things with her friends.
After my father's funeral, my brother told me he had a conversation with my dad a few weeks before he passed (and apparently my father said he would pay off my brother's credit card balance of $7,300). I was skeptical, so I asked my mom. And my mom had no clue. After asking my mom more questions, I found out that for many years, my parents have been enabling my brother by bailing him out EVERY time he asked for help. And he asked a lot. His credit card had been paid off twice, prior to him asking me.
So after a heated conversation with my brother (and my mother begging me to help my brother), I agreed under one condition:
Cue forward 9-months later.....he maxed his credit card again and was struggling to make ends meet. WTF? That did not sit well with me at all and I feel he used my mom and me. AND he had nothing to show for it. (I found out he had been hiring hookers)
And when COVID hit, he lost several jobs and could not pay his rent or utilities. So my mom paid his rent and utilities for 2-months (and I told my brother that this too would be deducted from his 'share'.
I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with my brother and listed all of the things he could do to better his situation and decrease his expenses:
I tried to explain 'enabling', but in our culture, the parent does everything they can for their children. Even if it's hurting them, as in my brother's case. My brother won't do the things he has to do as an adult, because my mom is willing to bail him out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly, my brother has decided to no longer communicate with me because he feels I am being too harsh on him.
And he only reaches out to my mom when he needs financial help. My brother knows there is a limit, and it is not much at all.
My mom just wants to help him whenever she can until she can no longer help him. But I insist that will not help him in the long run.
Part of me just wants my mom to just stroke him one check for his share and then go to the attorney to remove him from my mom's will. But we know he will waste it (and I really don't care anymore, as he's a grown man).
Should I just remove myself from all this madness? Or continue with the tough-love (with my brother & my mom)?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts and comments. I would love to read some of the recent posts in more detail.
My situation is unique, as I am posting as an older sibling who has taken on responsibilities as a 'parent' to my younger 50-year old brother. My brother lives on his own and has always held low-paying jobs and has lived check-to-check for most of his life. He refuses to budget and often is unprepared for minor emergencies and/or car maintenance, etc. He has no desire to learn new skills. And he blames everyone but himself for his situation. He also has an explosive temper, which prevents any constructive conversations.
Summary
- My family is of Filipino descent (I am first generation)
- I am the oldest of 3 children (I am 55; sister is 54; brother is 50)
- My father passed away in Dec 2018 from sepsis (he was a paraplegic)
- My mother (81) was pretty much been my father's caretaker for about 14 years (and prior to that was a housewife)
- My mother could not afford to keep the house (only source of income is SS)
- So we sold it and she moved in with my family (me, wife, 2 sons)
- We have a very modest ranch-home and my wife and I have good jobs; not getting rich, but we save and do what we want to do for the most part.
- We agreed that my mom would NOT 'pay' anything to live with us. However, she loves to cook and buys groceries and that is her happiness.
- My mother's assets are basically the proceeds from the house sale and a few CDs that my parents started .
My mom is very frugal; basically she expressed that when she passes on, her assets be split among me, my sister, my brother and her grand-kids. So she takes her monthly SS check and does what she wants to do (and leaves the home proceeds and her CDs alone). She is slowing down, so I encouraged her to do things with her friends.
After my father's funeral, my brother told me he had a conversation with my dad a few weeks before he passed (and apparently my father said he would pay off my brother's credit card balance of $7,300). I was skeptical, so I asked my mom. And my mom had no clue. After asking my mom more questions, I found out that for many years, my parents have been enabling my brother by bailing him out EVERY time he asked for help. And he asked a lot. His credit card had been paid off twice, prior to him asking me.
So after a heated conversation with my brother (and my mother begging me to help my brother), I agreed under one condition:
- The $7,300 would be considered an 'advance' on his share (when my mom passes)
Cue forward 9-months later.....he maxed his credit card again and was struggling to make ends meet. WTF? That did not sit well with me at all and I feel he used my mom and me. AND he had nothing to show for it. (I found out he had been hiring hookers)
And when COVID hit, he lost several jobs and could not pay his rent or utilities. So my mom paid his rent and utilities for 2-months (and I told my brother that this too would be deducted from his 'share'.
I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with my brother and listed all of the things he could do to better his situation and decrease his expenses:
- Get help with a monthly budget (his response: I don't need help)
- Get a roommate (his response: I want to live alone)
- Get a 1 bedroom (vs his current 2-bedroom apt) (his response: I don't want to move)
- Get a 2nd job (his response: I'm too tired to get a 2nd job)
- Get a better paying job (his response: I like my job)
- File bankruptcy (his response: I don't know how to do that)
- While unemployed for 2-months, I asked him to look into getting a CDL (his response: that costs money I don't have)
- I explained to him that mom could help pay (of course it comes out of his 'share'), but it would pay off in the long run
- I bought him a smart-phone and a tablet to help him get better connected and look for jobs
- He brought the tablet over one day after having some issues with it (he said he spent the last 2 weeks looking for jobs); I looked up his browser history and it was all porn (morning/noon/night); no history of looking for jobs
- Etc, etc. etc.
I tried to explain 'enabling', but in our culture, the parent does everything they can for their children. Even if it's hurting them, as in my brother's case. My brother won't do the things he has to do as an adult, because my mom is willing to bail him out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly, my brother has decided to no longer communicate with me because he feels I am being too harsh on him.
And he only reaches out to my mom when he needs financial help. My brother knows there is a limit, and it is not much at all.
My mom just wants to help him whenever she can until she can no longer help him. But I insist that will not help him in the long run.
Part of me just wants my mom to just stroke him one check for his share and then go to the attorney to remove him from my mom's will. But we know he will waste it (and I really don't care anymore, as he's a grown man).
Should I just remove myself from all this madness? Or continue with the tough-love (with my brother & my mom)?