Why is it so hard?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Guilty Mom, Dec 18, 2017.

  1. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Our son has been employed for three weeks. During that time we paid his car insurance, gifts to give family members, cigarettes...etc. Of course he knew he owed us money when he got his first check. He wasn’t at our house when he got his check. He was with a friend. Well he came home last night. When I got off work of course I asked for the money he owed us. His reply was he didn’t have it that he loaned it to someone. Yes such a lie. I became very upset that in 5 days of not being here he didn’t have any money. I told him to get out of the house and go stay at the Salvation Army. He was all snuggled in his bed. I told him to leave. He groaned so I had his Dad to go tell him to leave. He got some things together and referenced that he was homeless. He has Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type so I want him to stay on his medications. I give them and medications are locked up. So why do I have a tight chest when confrontation? Why is it hard to do this. Addicts don’t care about others just themselves. He will be 33 the day after Christmas. We have enabled since he was 17 Would appreciable your comments.
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    If you are aware that you are enabling him, then the most loving thing you could possibly do is detach with love. Set him free and allow him to experience the full consequences of his actions - both positive and negative. Doing the right things bring good consequences, doing the wrong things will result in bad consequences.

    As you can see, he is 33 and not functioning. Not to say that this is your fault, but you seem to know in your heart that your love and support isn't helping him.

    He probably needs (beyond his medications) a structured group home setting where he can learn how to live independently. Maybe at some point in the future he will be able to take care of himself on his own.

    Al Anon is a wonderful free resource that helps families detach with love from their problematic children. Some children are addicted to alcohol or drugs, others are not. It has helped me immensely and I do not have chemical addiction in my family profile, just garden variety codependency LOL!

    Does he have an open file with the department of rehabilitative services? Does he have a caseworker? Is he receiving public assistance of any sort such as disability? All of these are resources that can help him get on his feet.

    It might be time to lock the door to his childhood home and force him to grow into manhood.

    Much love, this is not easy.
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  3. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

  4. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    I appreciate your advice. We just want our home to ourselves being we are 57 years old. He got his first paycheck and then we didn’t see him for 4 or 5 days. When he returned home we asked for the money he owed us. He said he loaned it to someone. Of course that is a lie. I do feel like we have enabled for so long he can’t change. He has been in several apartments and that is when everything falls apart. Can you give me a plan of how you would detach? He brings home close to 700.00 every two weeks so he could surely live away. I know I mentioned that he has Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type and is on medication. He has been psychotic several times. Don’t know if he missed medications, did drugs???
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Would he live in a group home for the mentally ill? I am not sure if his salary would disqualify him. Sometimes the better they do, even when sick, the sad fact is that keeps them from qualifying for much needed government assistance. Has he applied for Medicaid or Disability and been accepted? Although he has a job, a case could be made for mental illness skewing his thinking and decision making. I would urge him to at least try to see if he qualifies. He has a serious psychiatric diagnosis.

    I am a mentor to mostly young people with mental illness who come daily to a social club for those who are mentally ill and many live in group homes. That helps them get a little care and some independence. But none I know of have a full-time job, although almost all do work. Most are on medication and doing fairly well.

    I have been training to become a peer mentor, on and off, for over two years, my first attempt interrupted by a bad car accident. So my title is not official, but when I visit, the younger people do come to me and we talk. I don't know all the ins and outs of getting advanced services though. I do know that most people I know are content in the various group homes they live in, and help with daily living skills is offered. If on Medicaid, the homes cost nothing, I think, or maybe the State takes a small stipend.

    I am sorry about your pain and that of your son. I hope he is his biggest advocate and not afraid to try for any help he is entitled to receive. He could perhaps eventually learn to spend money right and live on his own or he could ask for a payee to help him with money.

    Have a peaceful night. You are doing all you can