Why is it, when daughter calms down, younger sis ramps up?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We have had some issues with younger sis, that mainly involves an inappropriate boyfriend that has been on and off for 1.5 years. It isn't a good relationship, he has not been physically abusive, but it seems like he is insecure, and is always accusing her of being unfaithful, but he is the one that cheats.

    Just when I think she has wised up, she gets wrapped back up... Then school suffers, other friendship suffers, and I am on edge worrying about all the what ifs.

    On a better note, older daughter actually checked on jobs at three places, and the managers all talked to her! She is 6 weeks too young to be a server, because of alcohol on menu, but one place is interested in her as a hostess. She is very outgoing, and I think she could do that better than being a server. Too many things to remember.

  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That is emotional abuse Ksm. I am so sorry, because I know you are so busy with sisters issues too.
    Your daughter needs help to understand what is going on. It is typical for this type of person to try to isolate their target from friends. Will she go see a therapist?
    I am glad that older sis is trying to get a job.
    Murphy's law I suppose, one gets better, the other has challenges.
    No rest for the weary......
    I hope you are able to get some "me" time in......
    Take care
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We started seeing a new psychologist (only therapists in our town, no pscychs for teens) about 4 months ago. She had daughter seeing the red flags in the relationship... He was involved with someone else... She started making new friends... I thought we were thru the worst. Last summer she had gotten in trouble fir sneaking out of house to see him, we noticed she wasn't home about midnight, called police, she realized they were hunting for her and she was in trouble, so she ran more. Two days later, she turned herself in. The court gave her mandated services and a no contact order between the two of them, but she toed the line and 6 months later it was all dropped. Sigh... Now it is starting up. Again.

    I know his behavior is abusive... Even though it hasn't started being physical... Yet... KSM
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I guess to be brutally honest, I have two Difficult Child's. The older one has been a Difficult Child longer, and louder. The younger one is quiet, keeps up in school, but is emotionally driven to reach out to the wrong friends... No matter if it is in friendship, or attracted to. And then feels like she can't say no to what they want.

    I think since we adopted, they were 5 and 7, no one thought there would be issues... But I guess I never(and the professionals) realized how much damage can be done by removing them from parents and a year in foster care. Plus, having a mom who was in and out of their lives... KSM
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi KSM, I thought your post title about one ramping up and then the other, when the first is better, is very true.

    It made me think of my growing up. There were four kids in our family, and I'm the oldest. The third child, my sister, was born with an incurable disease that is genetic. A lot of energy, time, focus went to her, as it naturally would and needed to. The other three of us caused very little trouble (except my brother as he got into high school). We were "good" kids. I think we somehow knew that there was very little additional band-width available.

    Of course, by current terms today, we were a dysfunctional family. Living in this family taught me great survival skills, but I gave up a lot of my childhood. It was what it was, and there was nothing to be done. My parents did the best they could.

    I think the fact that either of your daughters has the "band width" with you to make their struggles known is healthy.

    Having said that, it sounds like your younger daughter could be in a destructive relationship. I hope not for her sake.

    Just wanted to share that perspective, for what it's worth. We're glad you are here.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh boy, I am sorry Ksm. You sure have some hard stuff going on. I hope your daughter will go back to therapy. It is frustrating to see our d cs make these kinds of choices. 15 is a tough age.
    Both of my girls were the same, involved with the wrong crowd.
    I hope you are holding up okay.
    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all just go away.
    Is your daughter involved in any sports? This may help her.......
    Stay strong and keep posting. Will be praying for some relief for you.
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Youngest is still seeing the psychologist, we have an appointment this week. Oldest said she would try DBT classes, that starts Wednesday.

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  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Good news, so glad for them and you Ksm. Keep on keeping on.