WHY (mother in law vent) WHY?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Jan 30, 2010.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I'll try to keep it short! :tongue:

    So even though the family business is going down hill fast, (we couldn't pay ourselves this month who knows about next month)

    mother in law is bored and has been hanging out with one sister and the other one is showing up this weekend.
    WELL they have gotten the STUPID idea for a family reunion. This July. I would be fine with this, let them have their reunion.

    It is going to be in Colorado. Fine.

    But mother in law is not going to take kindly to us saying NO.

    Reasons why-

    * Biggest one and should be the most flipping obvious, last July when we went to Chicago K had a breakdown and was manic and we had to leave early with her trying to hurt herself and not able to tell what was real or not.
    Doctors had warned once again that she CAN"T travel far or longer than a day. But we did it just to prove it to mother in law. And to try to be the good kids.

    We told her we are not TRAVELING ANYMORE.

    * We are broke!
    *The girls want to go somewhere fun! ;) We told them maybe if we can afford it we can drive over to the coast.

    She is sending out mass e-mails to all of the family with dates, itineraries and the "Come on everyone this if for family!" Ra-Ra Cheerleaders...
    I flat out told husband, "Set her straight soon, so this doesn't turn into some big deal worse than it already will be"
    He is bummed that she just wouldn't have come to him and said that she is planning this and realizes we can't go but we are welcome.
    Her and father in law are going to act like they have forgotten last summer and treat us like we are overreacting. They will say things like, "We will help pay, we will set up your own cabin..."

    Once again forgetting that none of that matters with how K is right now, even N couldn't handle the trip last Summer. She can't handle more than a night or 2 herself.
    The girls were crying after 2 nights about nightmares and begging to go home. I am not doing this to my kids.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    As difficult as it is, toto, you know what's right for your girls. Your mother in law is a piece of work (mine is, too, I might add).
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Just stick to your guns. I would fib a bit. Say you spoke to the psychiatrist and were advised again that a trip such as this could have a severe impact on difficult child. Therefore as a family you have decided to stay home as advised and surely everyone can and will understand that a childs mental health must come before adult wish lists for a visit. Period. Then if it comes up again, act oh so disappointed about missing out (haha) and tell her please oh please lets not discuss it any more, the disappointment is too much ;). Turn the tables so she's sorry for you all ;)
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Stay home with your girl's.
    Encourage husband to go for the family reunion even if it's just for a few days. It's important to connect with extended family even if it's not convenient.
    Your priority is always the well being of the children.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I agree with Fran. If husband wants to go, fine. You and the girl's stay home
  6. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Good advice by all. I know we go through this every year during the holidays about gift exchanging. When we had money, we refused and gave to those who had nothing. Now, we don't have money so it is a necessity. Well, that doesn't go over too well with mother in law. She is a holiday freak. But, we have stuck to our guns. We'll visit, have dinner, but not buy into the holiday buying trap.

    It is probably important for you husband to go to the reunion. You need to stay with your girls and enjoy a few quiet days.

  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wish I knew how you could make mother in law understand, once and for all, why your family will not be going. You have enough on your plate without adding this to it. Many hugs and lots of strength.
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I vote for staying home, and only sending husband if you absolutely have to. They don't live your life and they have no idea what it's like to walk in your shoes. They probably never will...

  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We were in your mother in law's shoes over the past year. We had three of our kids getting married on three different occasions. We invited everybody, we would have loved to have seen them. We knew that some could not come at all because we could not make accommodations for small children. I was disappointed to not see the family members who were unable to come - but for pete's sake, I would not chastise them over it!

    This is a control issue, nothing more. People who try to asset control to this extent have absolutely no qualms about convincing themselves that any previous negative experiences either didn't happen, or were something else entirely.

    Your kids are more important. If husband wants to go and you can manage, then of course he should go. But tell mother in law freely - the doctor has expressly forbidden the girls to travel, at least for now. It would be selfish (use that word) for you to put your own desired to attend, above the welfare of your girls.

    It's as simple as that. Make sure you use that phrasing, make it clear that you would love to be there but the girls' clearly understood medical needs come first and it would be selfish of you to go against doctor's orders.

    Then stop worrying about her and what she thinks. If she can so effectively deny past problems, then of what value is her opinion?

  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Well said Marg. Toto, I'm sorry that your mother in law is unable to accept that your girls can't handle such a high pressure situation as a family reunion. Honestly, I can't handle such a high pressure situation either.

    Stick to your guns. I think Marg's phrasing ("It would be selfish of me to put my wishes ahead of my girls' medical needs") will really get the message across. If your mother in law likes to think of herself as generous and unselfish, then she might fall in line with this statement. If not, then she can go climb a tree, as they used to say.

  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You ladies have put my feelings in a much clearer way than I could have expressed when put on the spot! LOL
    Now after sitting here and having a couple of days and reading such smart responses I think I can talk to her and not have it become a huge fight.
    husband talked to her yesterday before we were leaving and she asked if her saw her e-mails? He asked jokingly if she was a glutton for punishment? She just replied, "I think it will be fun."
    He left it at that until he can talk longer.
    He asked me to just hold on and he will talk to her as soon as she will give him a few minutes. He has to be gone today. She is threatening to come over today! N has a bit of a cough so I can't escape!!!

    If it comes up I will use your wise words...
    I don't think husband will go, he really doesn't like to leave me alone. He also feels if we are going to spend any money we don't have right now I should get to be a part of it as well as the girls!
    His Aunts are here right now also.
    I wouldn't be surprised if it is canceled if anyone else can't make besides us.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Or....she can use that tree for a colonic type purpose.


    **Off to my corner now to play with the kitties**
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    How about you email mother in law and tell her that you're sending the GIRLS............

    because you and husband have something important to do that weekend and she'll have to handle them all by herself for a week?

    THAT should stop any further RHA RHA's.....not?
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Cute idea, but not good for the girls...

  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know what is sad is that she would take the girls and act like they were fine...
    She would never complain and keep giving them too much and placating them and trying to fix it, the girls are so good that they would try so hard to hold it together and they likely would (in an ignorant persons eyes) and then it would take at least a week to help them get back to OK.

    So then the in-laws would be convinced that we were even crazier...