Why? What did I do so wrong? VENT

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ML, Dec 27, 2007.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm so sorry that your family is unable to help you right now. I know how alone you've got to feel. It's not easy raising a difficult child all by yourself. It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can and that's all you *can* do. At this point I say expect something to shift in your favor. It's time. Keep the faith and trust that better days are ahead. My prayers that you get the perfect job by 2008. My prayers and good thoughts are with you and the B :smile:
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so sorry and don't know what to say to help. I don't know about your situation or history (sorry- I haven't kept up so much) but wish I or someone could be there to help. {{{{HUGGSS}}} Hang in there- if you are trying to do what is right, something must give! If you have a chance, fill me in on what lead to this-
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Any chance of finding a roommate with a child and you could trade off sitting in so that you could find a job working evenings? Also, have you checked craigslist.org for both jobs and a workable living arrangement?

    I don't know what to say about your family. There may be things going on that you don't know about with your brother or they may really think you can stay where you are. Any chance of them giving you a loan for first, last and deposit on an apartment?

    The good part is you have until March to find a job. Just keep looking. Check temp agencies that specialize in your field. Don't give up. Something will turn up -- it may not be what you wanted, but take what you can and then keep looking in your field. Good luck!
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    R&D - are they telling you that you have to move?

    Where have you been living for 4 years while you attended school? Have you tried Social Services? They can and will help you obtain a job.
    If you have not worked in 4 years, how did you attend school? Who watched Beaner?

    I have to say I appreciate everything I have because I worked so hard for it.

    I was a single mom. I lived with my mother for 2 years when I had difficult child. I insisted upon paying rent. I was able to move out to a very small apartment, got a job working telephones, answering 300 calls a day. 16 years later I am getting my degree and just obtained the dream job. I appreciate it all the more because I worked so hard for it. I made it happen, nobody else did. You can do it, too. You do not need anybody else's help. You just have to make it happen. Focus and determination!

    I applied for state services when difficult child was born. Even if it is just food stamps it is a help.

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Here's my advice:
    Register for job assistance at the alumni office of your school.
    Call Opportunities Unlimited and ask for assistance for a soon-to-be degreed homeless woman and her children.
    Call Catholic Charities and the United Way and asks for assistance, ideas, leads.
    Stop expecting help and support from your family, they aren't going to give any. It's a waste of your time and energy to dwell on it.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Agreed, agreed, agreed.

    I went from a DV shelter to a homeless shelter to a transitional housing apartment with Tink when I had nowhere else to go. I have a brother who could have housed me and my daughter. That is an awful lot to ask of family, especially family that you have not spoken with in a long time. This may sting, but you and your son are not your brother's responsibility. My daughter and I are not MY brother's responsibility. I would not ask him to stay. He lives happily in his place and to ask him to put us up with no job prospects is asking a lot. That is asking him to completely change how he lives his life. He created his life to be lived the way he likes to live it. He does not want to have to change it, and as bad as I feel for you in your situation, I don't blame him. I try to look at both sides. I am content in my home living life the way I like. If a family member asked me if they could move in, I'd have to say no too.

    There are many MANY resources for single moms. Get on a waiting list for transitional housing. They might be able to assist you in finding employment as well.

    One last thing. The pride you feel after coming through this all on your own is unparalleled.
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ok. This is what I found.


    If you click on the Comprehensive Employment Division link, you'll read:

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> The Comprehensive Employment Division [CED] of the Erie County Department of Social Services provides integrated employment and training services for Temporary Assistance clients and Non-Temporary Assistance Food Stamp recipients.

    In addition, services are available for recipients who request services and non-custodial parents of a TANF-eligible child.

    CED provides assessments, job skills training, day care services, substance abuse treatment monitoring, and coordinates Workfare assignments.

    ECDSS utilizes a 'Work First' approach to welfare reform and expects all clients capable of work to enter employment at the earliest time possible. Work First initiates immediate job search upon application and prior to cases being opened, and mandatory participation in 'Job Clubs' - which are supervised and specific group job searches.

    If the initial job search activities fail to result in employment, Workfare; a short-term vocational training, community service or other employment assignment is required for all active clients.</div></div>

    It does say further down: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Low-income families who are employed and earning less than 200% of the Federal Poverty Level may be eligible for day care assistance. </div></div>

    However, if you sign up now for Works First that may cut down that 2-3 week employment. Also, since you are now actively seeking employment you may qualify for financial assistance - which is up to 5 years for families with children. A helluva lot more than you get in my state which has a very similar program called Ohio Works First.

    Under Temporary Assistance, it reads: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">ECDSS employees work collaboratively with every client to overcome barriers and obstacles to help achieve economic self-reliance. </div></div>

    You have some definite barriers to overcome. Just go in and apply - ask for a copy of your rights and responsibilities - I wasn't able to access it...the page wouldn't load. Talk to a supervisor or something.

    These programs WANT to help those that want to work.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's that they expect those able to work to seek employment. If you were only attending school, you wouldn't have qualified.

    In Ohio, they changed the law so that those going to school had to work a minimum of (I think) 30 hours a week to keep their benefits - and they had to attend school full time. Also, if you are able to work and don't and/or don't seek employment, you will lose your foodstamps and medicaid. However, they will keep the medicaid and foodstamps on the kids.

    Also, in Ohio if you're an adult without dependent children you cannot get medicaid at all unless you're blind, disabled or over 60.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry your family is so unwilling to help. Maybe they can't right now, or have problems they have not shared with you.

    Sounds like you have some good resources from Heather's post. I will send mega-hugs and lots of prayers. I remember the pressure when husband was job hunting after college graduation. It took him 6 months.

    I am sending a PM to you.

  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ask for the rights and responsibilities handout. If they claim they can't do this or that, ask to see the published guidelines and/or ask they cite what law(s) they are referring to. They can't just make this up as they go. It's dictated somewhere. Look up your states laws...probably called Revised Code. I'll do a search.

    Information is power.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    In particular, Title 9-B. If you want to look at the NY Consolidated Laws on this topic, I believe you want sections 300-(and I *think* including) 400. Every link I tried routed me to the same page that read, "Not Found" so the server must be down.

    They have guidelines to follow, too, such as providing you with your rights and responsibilities.

    Have fun. Reading this stuff is less fun than watching paint dry.

    If you feel like they are not following the law, consult a legal aid attorney.

  12. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am so sorry you are going through this. When I lost my job of 16 years, I took (thankful I could work any shift) a night shift job in a stupid warehouse where 99% did not speak any english.

    Then I accepted a job after 18 months where I had to commute 100 miles a day. Second shift. Left when difficult child was in school and returned when they were a sleep. Worked 6 and 7 days a week. The year difficult child needed me most, his first year of middle school.

    I looked everywhere. I applied every place over and over and over. Had my resume posted everywhere. Then out of the blue this company, great company where everybody wants to work calls me. It took a very long time, but it happens. I know how frustrating it is when nobody calls.

    Family...LOL...I have a brother who 18 years ago told me (came up in legal conversation at the time) he had 2.5 million dollars.
    He has since gained more stores, more franchises. No longer has kids in college...I am in deep doo doo with the IRS at this time due to back financial issues. Heck 3K sounds like a million to me, my brother gives 5 times that to the church. Would he help me???nope. Would he buy my shares of our family owned cottage (that was given to all the kids when my father was sick)..His response when I asked him to buy my shares was "I don't want my shares why would I want yours". Well, to those of us who can't afford a vacation, a retreat to a cottage on the water, with a beach is heaven. I ended up filing bankrupcy. Due to a statement in the by-laws of our cottage corporation, they could not take the cottage in bancrupcy. I had not paid my share of the "dues" or taxes in two years. I lost my shares in the cottage. A place I grew up. My brothers took them away from me when I filed bankrupcy. This is a place my parents raised me. A place they GAVE to the family.
    In my hard time, NOBODY, not a one in 6 would give me even so much as a phone call.

    It is hard. You see others who's families come together and help when it is needed. My family just pretends you never existed.

    I will say a prayer for you. One day at a time. You will be ok.
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Can I just offer a different perspective? Whatever went wrong in the past in my humble opinion is a non issue. You cannot change it or your family. They have their own reasons, however misguided, for their response to your request for help. It's sad when family doesn't pitch in & help one another but that is the way it is right now.

    You must start looking forward; it's not easy. Being a single parent is the hardest job in the world & I applaud you in doing what you are doing.

    Now is the time to start knocking on all those doors that you have knocked on before. It's time to start asking for help once again - perhaps with a different, more positive attitude. With a plan of attack in mind, heck written out, to show those people, agencies who are there to help you get back on your feet.

    I do know that agencies of this nature appreciate a fresh positive attitude when you walk in their doors. You are in a tough situation & you can acknowledge that. You can also explain what you have done & what you plan to do. With their help with daycare you can take the next job offered, start savings for an apartment & get back on your feet.

    Do you see where I'm going with this?

    Good luck in your search - I'll be keeping you & yours in my thoughts for a quick resolution.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This might have been brought before, but as a single Mom, I have so far been fortunate enough to need to asked to live with anyone in my family (Thank God!). But, I have asked that someone watch difficult child a couple of hours while I go to an interview. I've let people know when things were tight, so if they volunteered to buy a few clothes for difficult child it was helpful and appreciated. 1st thing, find the job. Some will front a little money so you can get an apartment then take it out of your check over the next couple of months. If you're at an interview and you feel it going REAL well, let them know you're looking for an apartment and asked if they know of any near the work place. Don't get into family won't help, I'm in a bad situation, keep it sounding about taking responsibility and jumping into the new job/life with both legs. Sometimes, many times, prospective employers view this as an asset and will "hook you up" with someone they know or another employee to get you in an apartment. Even if it's a temporary place to stay until you can find and afford a more permanent place that you really like, this can be very helpful and makes the employer feel like you'll stick at the job a while.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That was supposed to say "This might have been brought before, but as a single Mom, I have so far been fortunate enough THAT I HAVEN"T NEEDED TO asked to live with anyone in my family (Thank God!)."
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Seriously, ILMS, what you are doing is very hard to do. I do not think anyone would discount the work you have ahead of you. You need to turn around your outlook.
    Your family does not need to help you. I almost sense an entitlement not much different from what I imagine my difficult child to have. I urge you to rethink what you are about to embark on.

    Do not hold this against your family. It is not their job to make sure you have a home and food. Heck, I am guessing R&D are having you move to push you forward to force you to do this on your own. I bet it is killing them to do it, too.

    Anyway, start a notebook. Write down all the supports that are available in your area. Write in the addresses, directions, phone#s, contact names, etc. Keep notes on what the results are for each place you try. You will need to track appointments and such. Once school is back in it should be easier. Stay home one day and search the internet, phone book, etc. One or two days a week take 4 or 5 hours while Beaner is in school and get the bus schedule and go all the places you have made appointments at. If you have had interviews, send a thank you note for the opportunity to interview. If they do not hire you, kindly ask them what you can work on to better your chance next time. KEEP NOTES on all of this. Make finding a job your full time job.

    Read up:


    Send me your resume - I would be glad to take a look to see if there is anything you need to change.

    You CAN do this! You are a strong woman raising a child on your own! I know that makes you strong!

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

    (yes, I was and still am a cheerleader! LOL!)

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Get in your phone book and look up in the blue pages SOCIAL SERVICES,

    Then stop in ANY church ANY ONE - and go to the office. Tell them that you are in dire straights, and explain in SHORT detail your plight. Sad to say - when you are telling your story - LEAVE OUT the part where your family 'refuses' to help. It makes you sound like they are tired of helping you over and over.

    Put together an imaginary budget. Figure out what you would need to have earned each month and then draw out your figures.

    Rent: XX
    Utilities:XX (No cable, no cell phone, just basic service or cell)
    (Water/sewer, lights, gas, trash)
    Food: XX
    Savings for car: XX

    Then start going down the list of churches that have services available - tell them that you have a budget, and you need help to reach your goals.
    Tell them you have to be out by Feb 21st -
    Tell them your parents are ailing and can't help
    Tell them the rest of your family is UNABLE to help
    Tell them you need a job making XX per hour to stay in your budget and that you need M-F hours 8-5 so you can get to your son in Daycare by bus before 5:30PM.

    Write up a flyer and put it on every church bulletin board you see - SINGLE MOM, NEEDS HELP - NEED: and make a list, also list the places that you have tried to get a job and can't take due to the incompatibility of hours. List your job skills and pending degree.

    Tell them you don't /do get child support. If you don't - TIME to file.

    Go to Food pantrys - If you are on foodstamps - you can go there.
    See what they offer for services: clothes, food, money for rent

    Go to Salvation Army - see if they have a hotel to put you and Bean up in for X weeks -

    Go to GoodWill and see if they can put you to work.

    Keep going to places like Lutheran Family Services, Catholic Charities, United Way, Red Cross, and ANY service listed -

    YOU CAN DO THIS - it's just NOT going to be what you want at first. I know, I've been there.

  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    ILMS - when I was researching stuff for you last night, I came across something that was along the lines of:

    When social services is helping you find a job, they have to keep transportation in mind. Find out if there is any service they have that would help you get a car. I know Ohio has a program for those that are employed, but still struggling and they will make a car payment or put gas in your car...stuff like that. They want to help people overcome those barriers that would keep them from employment.
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When social services is helping you find a job, they have to keep transportation in mind. Find out if there is any service they have that would help you get a car. I know Ohio has a program for those that are employed, but still struggling and they will make a car payment or put gas in your car...stuff like that. They want to help people overcome those barriers that would keep them from employment. </div></div>


    I've seen this in action! When stepgfg needed transportation to get to and from school/work welfare not only provided the funds for a car (nothing fancy, 1500.00 per yr toward a car), but also made arrangements for her to have driving lessons.

    Stepgfg actually had social services crawling out of the woodwork to help her and the kids.

    Here, if you go to any church and explain your situation, they bend over backward to help. I had a neighbor being evicted, jobless, 2 babies and a deadbeat dad, no family to help. She went to one of the churches. Someone in the church found and helped her get a job, another found daycare, another found an apartment and the church paid a year's rent and utilities, and one sweet man loaned her his new car until she could buy one of her own.

    The notebook idea is a great one. Sometimes it's overwhelming to keep track of all this stuff, and who you've tried for what.

    Nichole just discovered that because Aubrey is on WIC that the state will pay for daycare while she's in school as long as she stays fulltime. The DAYCARE gave Nichole this info and helped her with all the people she needed to see to make it happen. Info and resources can come from some of the strangest places when you least expect it.

    Another thing you might want to consider since you're having trouble with the hours. Private or inhome daycare may actually be better for you and Beaner. Plus it's usually cheaper than normal daycare centers. Many private providers will provide care for kids on shifts other than days. (think of all hospital staff ect who work 2nd and 3rd shifts) I know because stepgfg used it, and I spent many years while my kids were little running my own daycare. I took on more than my fair share of other people's difficult children simply because their behavior never bothered me. I was used to it from my own. lol Just remember to interview the provider well and check referrences.

    You CAN do this. I know it seems like such an uphill (okay mountain) climb right now. But you CAN do it! I cared for kids of many single Moms. It's tough. But it can be done.

    Much of it seems to be tapping into the right resources, and finding them can be a challenge. Some of it is changing what you think is impossible into what's possible even if it's only a temporary solution to take you to the next step.

    Oh, I also wanted to ask..... Have you been back to your college to see if they have any job postings?? Our does all over the place.

    I know it is so frustrating.

  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the family thing. My family is horrible--they don't help because they don't care. It has nothing to do with giving me a push. When I told my mom I was getting divorced, I didn't even ASK her for anything. I was just telling her the news. She said, "Well, don't expect anything from ME!" My Dad pretty much said the same thing (they are divorced). My sister would never let us stay with her, even if we were homeless--I learned to depend on ME because there is nobody else. Anyways, I'd call Social Services. I don't know about NY, but in WI if you are making low income there is housing (Low income and sometimes subsidized), job services help, and free childcare for a year. There are actually daycare providers who get paid by the state to babysit for low income families. I'm positive that some do all shifts. I'm not sure of the conditions, but lots of people here use it--not like the economy is any good. People all over are struggling. Maybe you can find a retiree who wants just a little money to stay overnight with your kids if you get a night job. I had roommates when I was single and they babysat sometimes and I took it off the rent. Watch and see--you will DO it because you HAVE to do it. I'd get on the phone first thing Monday morning and put that first call in to social services so you can get a caseworker and a plan. (((Hugs))). Keep your chin up!