Why?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiseChoices, Sep 28, 2019.

  1. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    DC1 comes home from work, and seems in bad mood .

    At dinner table t talk about the positive feedback I have received about DC1 from a friend, Dan, who works where son just interviewed and landed a better job. Son retorts:" Well maybe I will just go move in with Dan then". I could sense he wanted ro get into an argument, so I stayed absolutely quiet . Husband retorted something, DC1 laughed sarcastically, an I decided to walk away at that point.

    When I came back into kitchen to clean up, DC1 says to me :" I just said that at the table because something interesting came up at the therapist's office . She wanted to know if my parents ever congratulated me on the job at (this other not so great company he works at now). And I had to tell her no, they did not.

    I normally don't defend or explain myself anymore, but in this case, I very calmly and quietly said "I remember congratulating you because I remember telling you how you were such a go getter with that position because you followed up the application with an in person visit which led to the interview that landed you the job. And I told you I was proud of you".

    And he says "oh, yeah, you did". I forgot about that".

    I also bought him the required shoes for the position, took him on a shopping trip for it and we shared a lunch . He got the shakes, I got the burgers.

    I just don't understand why we keep catching so much flack from our children, both, and get accused of being unsupportive and unloving when we are being anything but .Why can't they recognize we are good parents?
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I think that maybe we are sensitive because we are used to being abused by them, so everything our more difficult children say about us stings. And, of course, these adult kids who are more selfish than the average person, don't grant anyone much credit. They seem to want to be victims, even if it means having selective memories.

    Because I have contrast in my children, I notice that only Kay always looks for what her father and I have done wrong. The other kids are not this way. It's more about the troubled child's thought process than us. They choose not to remember how kind we are to them. I have no idea why this is so, but it hurts.

    I think I would just go with Al Anon. We can't control them or how they are or what they say or do. This is true even if they never used drugs. They are who they are. Kay is who she is. We don't need to like it, but not accepting it just hurts us more. If we don't accept, we expect what they can't or won't give.

    You know you are a good, loving parent. This is also the truth. Accept this truth and be proud of it. You can't force your kids to openly acknowledge it, even if they secretly know, but you can be certain of the knowledge of who YOU are. Don't let even your kids make you doubt who and what kind of person you are.

    God bless.
     
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  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Wise

    I’m not sure why this happens. Maybe at the time you congratulated your son on his new job he wasn’t open to hearing and or accepting it and it didn’t register with him. Or maybe he was in need of encouragement and that was his way to hear from you again that he was doing good by kind of jabbing at you to entice hearing your approval.
     
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  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Wise, I think our DCs are so entrenched in victimhood that they reject our love and desire to lift them up. They are afraid to drop the narrative that has become their way of coping. They aren't able to acknowledge they have become slaves to the immediate and fleeting high of drama.

    I think you handled it perfectly. The facts mean something and DC1 acknowledges the reality. That is a positive take away.

    In healing.
     
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  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    We get a very similar thing. She incorrectly remembers things. And it’s ALWAYS negative. She is extremely quick to try to “prove,” in her own way that she was cheated or not treated well. And 99.999999 it’s blatantly incorrect, completely fabricated or the facts are twisted/convoluted. Ironically, this crxp alone is very tiring and annoying. I think it’s very low self esteem combined with a sort of excuse for their failings. It’s sad (but frustrating as heck too!)
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son never did this when he was using but he likes our positive feedback a lot NOW so I try to give it to him and remind his dad to do the same. Sometimes I wonder WHY I have to do that when he is just doing what he's supposed to do anyway but nonetheless I do it.

    I think the fact that you remembered exactly how you congratulated and celebrated with him was magnificent!!
     
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so glad I did. With everything on my mind, I often forget these small exchanges in daily life. It's because I thought he did such a great job following up (something I taught him!) that I remembered exactly what I said .
     
  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    This di
    This did cross my mind. That he wanted praise again. It's funny: when I praise I often get "I don't need to hear that from you" and at other times , he complains that he is unappreciated for what he does and doesn't get acknowledgement.

    It's hard to gauge what to do. In either case, I could be met with rejection. Truth is , like someone on here said, as an adult the self esteem should come from our ourselves.
     
  9. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I think you hit the nail on the head . They are entrenched in victimhood and can't let go of the narrative!!!! That is exactly what it is .I am forever trying to prove that narrative is wrong and he is holding on for dear life as a coping skill to not have to take responsibility for his messed up actions like doing drugs. Because if we are good parents and did the best we could and loved and supported our kids, then how could he explain to himself what he did.

    Thank you for this very valuable insight.
     
  10. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    We keep each other grounded and provide insight that we miss when our "near vision" is impaired. We merely help one another put on our reading glasses and provide clarity.

    Love and light.