Will Kicking my addict son out of my home solve the problem ?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Exhaustedmom, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

    Yesterday I was googling and find this site. Going through all the post on substance abuse , first time I feel that I am not alone, I read similar story of mine ,same situation , my heart start beating faster, I was crying at that moment. And want to shout and tell my self that I am not alone ,I am not.
    My story is almost similar of most of the forum member
    My difficult child now 18+ was very good hearted child ,in his kindergarten he was diagnose ADHD, every school year I have to explain a new class teacher that he has AdHD, some teacher might understand some don't . In result teacher parent meeting ,and complain he did this he did that , he is not paying attention ,I give him detention ect.
    I remember in his grade 5 his class teacher do realise his problem and he deal him in a very smart way, that year was a golden year for me and of course for him too, no complaint from school he feel himself without guilt free . A happy child who was trying his best in school and when home was doing his core without pushing , result at the school year end, he got award of student of the year, surprise !
    But this was very short, next year he got new class teacher and all that meetings ,complains, school detentions were back, now he was little mature,
    problem is when you are in so much trouble you are easily bullied too. Not even in school but your neighbourhood too, because they go in same school . Here start the problem ,there was another boy live around neighbourhood, was in same shoe ,
    In my difficult child point of view he is cool, he was always in trouble in school but still have lost of friends but i don't . And he start doing some stuff to come closer to that guy .thats how he ends up having drugs first its start with cigarette blunt.
    I am an immigrant mother of three, school system here was totally new for me and my English speaking was not that good by that time, every time when school call me of complain, I took the blame on my son and in home take his class why he is doing that whit out realising his situation. My daughter is really very very smart in her study and very helping, when in school same teacher call against her I take a stand a let school know that she cannot do all that stuff you are complaining . Its happened once and no more call from school until this day now she is in high school
    I some time blame myself that if I have done all this to my son, like when school complaining why I shouldn't took a stand at that time at least I was a mother and know my son ADHD, why I punish him on something he was not able to deal with.
    First time when he got caught was cigaret,he was smoking in his room in the middle of night.when I start giving him a lecture of side effect of this he laugh and straight forward told me that he has gone very far. I still remember that day , it was the beginning of my never ending suffering of pain. He never finish his high school . We stop paying him his allowance due to the fear that he will buy his drugs and he start finding other way to full fill his need he hang around the people whom were doing same stuff but even more dangerous
    He was 15 when he start it, the biggest fear was to save my family. You all know that when these children hang around with bad guys and drug dealer how many possibility could be happened. We read every day in news victims , shooting, robbery ect . Life was completely changed , locks every where , fighting , shouting, crying ,relationships with HB on arguments tension tension tension.
    when it was beginning I was very hopeful , tried a lot find help for him dr. Consultations, psychiatric help, religion help, rehab , keep him with children aid society

    Finally for his sake We moved back to my country in hope that may keeping him away from his contact will help . Where we try no Internet, no phone , but will you imagine it turn out to be more worse . These people are very very smart they find their contact every where with in a minute. Even you left them in a jungle , they will. Now he got a reason that you guys bring me here and destroy my high school year I will do what ever I want.
    He became very rude , selfish, very ignorant, very careless , just want to do party and fun ,weed and alcohol,ask for money if did not provide him start yelling, shouting breaking household furniture windows doors everything . My husband kick him off many time he manage to live outside of home couple of days and come back home. I as a mother always support my husband act. Even it's very hard on my heart. We take him at rehab their too. He was not allow to meet me. Or any member of family . For three month he was in that rehab
    That rehab choice was my husband and he was the only who was allow to meet him Every time when he met him he told me that my son is doing very well and I always cried in thankful to God that he is helping me . But one day some one told me that in that rehab they chained them and keep them as in jail. That was the weakest moment I have decided to bring him back from that rehab, a month before ,we are back in this country again. And after all these suffering of years we are still on the page one of the story. My husband threatening me that if I did not kick him out from home he will leave me, while on the other side my son start a job in warehouse but spend all his earning on alcohol and weed and parties. Not following house rule. He did registered for night classes to get his high school credit. But I am not sure that will he be attend them or not. My husband strictly want him to get out of home for forever. But I want to keep the doors open for him. At least until he be able to pay his expenses which is in my heart I am not sure my self will it be happened or never. My husband blame me for his condition and that withdraw from rehab stuff . Their is every days argument and fight going between us now. I took all the blame on me . After all I m a mother. No matter what your kids do out side we always blame mother. This what our society made off, right! Easy to blame someone.
    I read most off forum members stories almost similar to mine , every body is in agreement to kick them out of house and let them to reach the rock bottom of the life! My husband want that too. But hay that is not a part of solution .
    How many of you sleep very well when you kick them out . Non ! Right bcz we all are angry on them in one side but we love them on the other side
    We want to keep them but we are angry and we handed them over to society in hope they will learn. Chances are they will learn more bad stuff than good is 95%.
    We all know that but we still have no other choice.
    We all don't want our addicted children's out. We don't want them to be addicted on first place and we all want them to be responsible. For this we are paying too much.
    I remember when he was a child he always want to become a police man .
    And I always smile. Was in my full confidence that he will. But now feel that may be I am failed . I look at the past to see where I make mistake in his build up.
    Only thing I know is that I love my son a lot. No matter how harsh he treat me .

    All this I write here was not that easy ,I was crying when telling you my story
    For the first time since I am suffering of all this I find my self relax.
    My social life is completely finished I try to avoid meet people's or having friends
    Because they don't understand what are we suffering. May be I became too sensitive now or may be this is a reality. After all he is my son. Some time when I see other children of his age going to school finishing studies , why my son is not (cry)
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How old is your son? At his age, his ADHD is no longer your problem. It is his problem and it is up to him to get the proper help for his ADHD. Self-medicating with dangerous drugs certainly is not going to help him. Don't think of him as that cute little ten year old. He isn't that same person now. He is a legal adult and very conscious of all of the decisions he makes. Many people have worse disabilities than ADHD and don't turn to drugs. I say this as the mom of an ex drug abuser. The drug abuse is the main issue now. The ADHD isn't even on the radar. Too bad if you made mistakes. ALL PARENTS MAKE MANY, MANY MISTAKES. All of them. And not ALL KIDS turn to drugs. Stop thinking this is your fault. It is his decision, not your fault. And if you had done things differently, no doubt this would have still happened. Guilt is a useless emotion and does not help him or you, and, yes, you matter as much as he does. Your health, well being and happiness matter as much as his do. When I first heard that concept, it shocked me and I couldn't buy it for a long time, but it is true. Also, if he had a bad rehab, that still is no reason to use drugs and act bad. If it's even true. As my daughter told me: Never believe a drug user. They lie. No matter what your son has gone through, some kids have it worse and they don't all use drugs. Your son is going the difficult child dance...making excuses. "I do this before...and it's NOT my faut." Nope. It's never their fault. To them.

    Sometimes loving our children, especially adult children, means letting them go. "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Keeping your son at home, paying his bills, letting him go on pity trips, searching your mind for the things that you feel caused him to be this way are not not protective at his age and they will not help you nor him. He is old enough to make his own decisions and ONLY HE can decide to quit using drugs. You have NO CONTROL over anybody in this world but yourself. Trust me, our drug using kids already know all the bad stuff in this world. They may come home to sleep, but they are in contact with the worst elements of society and we can't protect them from it. If you knew your son's real life, you'd be flabbergasted. I know I was shocked when my daughter told me about her drug using days after she quit. I think my jaw hit the ground for a month. I hadn't had a clue it was that bad and I certainly didn't want to believe she was capable of doing some of what she did and I had not k nown that some drug dealers were threatening to kill her. This was while she was still living at home.

    Do you have Narc-Anon twelve step meetings where you live? If so, I would attend them. You would live a mkore peaceful life and help your son more if you detached from his drama and did not help him self-destruct. You may decide with your husband to kick him out. Most of us have had to do that. And our kids still survive. They are amazingly resourceful. And while they are gone, we are not suffering their abuse. And many of us cut off the money train so they have to get jobs. If not, they can apply for whatever sort of welfare and housing your country offers. They don't have to live this way. They choose not to follow our rules and to be rude, mean, thieves and even violent toward us. I have learned that they do not recover by being allowed to live at home, abuse us, act like children and on top of that have all the fun of the internet, a car, a cell phone and our money for the horrible habit of smoking cigarettes. I personally am a big believer in taking care of myself...and letting my kids learn to grow up. And that is usually not in our homes. Kids tend to act much younger around their parents. After a while, most of us sleep well while our kids find their way around and couch surf and survive the way they want to survive. If they want housing they can get it, but they have to follow rules. Many of our adult kids prefer to be homeless rather than quit the drugs.

    We all walk our own path. In my world, which is not YOUR world, if a grown child wants to live at home and is not in college, he works, he pays some rent, he pays his portion of car insurance, the internet, cell phone bills, and he does chores for us too. He is respectful to us. After all, it's our house and we are his parents who did the best we could for them. And if we made mistakes, so what? We are human. We still loved them to pieces. My attitude is: my house/my rules. My rules are not hard: Be respectful, be productive (job), help around the house, we all help one another with the upkeep of the property as we are a family. We don't swear or demean one another. Two of my kids were shown the door. One scared me and the other was a drug addict. I thought she was going to end up in jail or die. She did neither. She cleaned up her act (fast) and is, ten years later, clean and a hard worker, has her own house, is pregnant with her SO of eleven years and is my best friend. The other grown child is 36 and, while he can still be mean and cold and is sometimes in my opinion prone to "go off", he lives on his own, has a full time job, and takes good care of his son. He could never live with me again as he says dangerous, violent things when he is angry so it is up to him to keep standing on his own two feet. His father, whom I'm divorced from, will not let him ever live with him again either.

    You have a life. You are not your son and your son is not you. You deserve to be happy in spite of your son's drama and self-destruction and I would read the article on this site about detachment. As for your marriage, if you two can't get on the same page, then perhaps your marriage will be destroyed by this wayward son. Do you want to give him that kind of power? It's your choice. I personally agree more with your husband than you, however it is not MY decision to make. It is yours. You control what you do and you will get through this your own way, walking your own path.

    Try to see your son for the man he truly is and then don't do anything hastily. Ask yourself what YOU want from life and how you can get it. It's time for you to worry about yourself first. Nothing you do will change your son. But you can change everything you want about your own life and you can have great peace and serenity, even with your son's activities. They are his activities, not yours.

    Big hugs for your hurting mommy heart. This is a terrific group of moms. More will come to your aid. Perhaps they will be more helpful.
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dear exhausted, you just described our life with our daughter almost exactly. I can;t say whether kicking your boy out is the best alternative. I hear you when you say we love them and we don't want them to be addicted in the first place. Without a high school degree it will be hard for him to find a job. But you and your family deserve to live in peace and if he cannot follow the rules then he needs to make arrangements to live his life on his own. I know that sounds harsh but the alternative is for him to live there and completely destroy the family and become more and more addicted and the problems escalate.

    Can you find a support group in your area of other parents who are dealing with addiction? There are al-anon and fmailies anonymous groups all over. Honestly when I started going to support groups I finally was able to stop crying.

    You have found a group of people here who understand what you are going through and we are here to support you.
  4. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

  5. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

    First time in all these years I finally feel that some understand me more that I want yes you are right it's time for tough love.
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  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am extending my hand in friendship. I have no idea where your family originated but the pain and confusion you are feeling is universal in nature. The different perspectives held by Mothers and Fathers is, if not universal, very common.

    The scary problem is that there is NOT "A right answer" for each of our families and each of our children are different. What might work for one family can and does often backfire for another.

    Dig deep in your soul. Analyze your spouse. Study your child from the early years to date. Then..sigh..seek counsel is necessary to make sure that the bath you want to follow is actually the path most likely to help your difficult child developt into the man you hope and pray he will be.

    None of us will criticize your choice. We each have to make our own choices. Sending hugs and well wishes to you and yours. DDD
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I lived your life for so long...(((HUGS))) from one mom to another...

    I agree a million percent with Midwest Mom.

    My daughter is a success story, too. She is a wonderful, devoted mother to a precious baby boy. She is clean, does not even smoke, and wants NOTHING to do with the life she used to live. She is incredibly proud of herself and she makes me incredibly proud, too. I am a beaming mother and grandmother these days.

    BUT, I can tell you this happened after she was a homeless drug addict for years before ending up pregnant and in jail. Rock bottom. I know if she had stayed here and was allowed to continue being an addict living at home, I most likely would have found her dead. I also have a younger son who was witnessing her leaving for days, coming back to crash and looking like death while treating everyone in the home like dog poo. What was he learning?? It was heartbreaking and went against every motherly bone in my body but we gave her the ultimatum of going to rehab or leaving the home. She chose to leave and she felt the consequences of that choice.

    It was a long, painful road. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this, too..
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Dear Exhausted, bless you for what you are going through with your precious son. Your love for him comes through---often we are the "last man standing" for our difficult children. Because we are moms.

    I agree with your husband and the others on this board. Everything you have tried has not worked, even moving to another country.

    Oh, if there WERE a country we could all move to that would stop this madness....but there isn't.

    Because and addiction and the choices are theirs and theirs alone, just like what WE do---the choices we make and the actions we take---are ours and our alone.

    We are so torn. We are torn up inside ourselves to our core. We sit and we obsess and we try to figure out them, and why, and what to do next, and how to STOP THIS.

    But Exhausted, we can't stop it.

    We can only stop ourselves. And maybe, just maybe, if we do something different---they may do something different.

    Keep posting here. We get it. We understand. We respect you and your choices. We can all only do what we can do, but with God's help, we can do better as we learn better.

    Hugs and blessings for you today.
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  9. luludean

    luludean New Member

    Three weeks ago my husband and I kicked not one, but two of my sons out for the same reason. Drugs...No work. No school, total disrespect to,us, their parents and blaming the government and everyone else for their problems. I feel you, mom. I sleep in my warm bed every night and wonder where they are. But for my oldest who is now 23, this has been going on since he was 17. And now, my middle son, 19 is the same and guess who influenced him? It breaks my heart. I pray to God every day. It is all I can do. My husband and I question ourselves did we do the right thing? I pray my sons will realize and change. But with one child still at home, still in school and a minor, The madness had to stop. When they were home it would only be friction. They would lay around all day. Do nothing, have excuses why they didn't look for work, or look into school classes. And then get mad when my husband would not drive them by their friends to pick up their "smoke". Well, he was already driving that way, what was he big deal they would say. Really?!? I know what we did was right, but it breaks my heart every day. I am also glad I found this forum. I needed affirmation. It helps.

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  10. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

    Thank you very much for all feed back to help me make my decision guilt free. Since last week the day when I join this forum, and knowing that somewhere in this world some other mothers do have same pain of mine and feeling my pain, understanding my suffering, help me a lot it give me confidence of choice to do the right thing which I should had to do long time before.
    Each and single advise of you pump me a lot to see the picture of good life of mine, I suffered a lot more than you imagine, I don't remember when was the last time when I laugh or look my self in mirror or do something for myself what I want the most.
    I have decided to kick him out of my house as soon as possible with out any regret.
    But how ? My husband already left me alone because of him. My son left no way of healthy conversation for me. He come home late night.
    As I mention before he do some warehouse job. He join night classes. After that he go to his friends home do party until he want to and come home late late night, we didn't gave him door key so I wake up all night some time to open the door. Due to my health issue I take medicine and can not come out the bed . He knows but he don't care. Why you guys not give me door keys ? That will be his answer.
    Why I will give him my home keys . So he will bring his friends. Do what ever he want, whenever he wants beside he didn't took any responsibility of home not even a single.
    Now he knows that his father is not home he is more rude to me. In past he did beat me and swearing on me a lot like he ask me for$20 and I didn't have that money at that time so he start yelling and shouting breaking things when I try to stop him he drag me push me on the floor break windows ect. It was happened when I took him back home. My family help me a lot over there. But now I have no family here no husband just me and my two beautiful young daughter,
    I am afraid that if I ask him to leave he can do that stuff too to me or my daughters.
    Should I have to seek police first or talk to him first
    Or any legal advice?
    I know I make mistake by keeping him home and oppose my wonderfull hubby. But my love to my son keep me blind until this day.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    We should never tolerate anybody hurting us. If you want him out of your home, and he refuses to go, call the police.
    Change the locks. Get a restraining order against him. Do not bail him out of jail. If he gets out on his own, and he comes to your house, call 911. Do it over and over again if you have to. Pretty soon, they will keep him in jail for a while and then you can start to rebuild.

    I pray your husband comes back.

    You can't live like this. You should not live like this. Nobody should. That is why we have laws to protect us and other people. Even from our own children.

    I know you are scared and sad, but I think you are starting to think more clearly.

    I am praying for you today.
  12. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

    I have decided that today when he will be home I will talk to him firmly And no matter what happened he has to move . That's it I am done ! no more tears .
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  13. luludean

    luludean New Member

    Exhausted mom I am praying for you. God is with you.

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  14. Exhaustedmom

    Exhaustedmom New Member

    With lots of courage and very hard heart finally I did it.
    Today he came home directly from his night class,reason he don't have enough money in his pocket for party, until this Friday when his paycheque is due. I did not make any dinner for him.so when he come home he was hungry ask for food
    While he was eating , I gather my courage and very politely I said that son we need to talk and about currently situation,do you have any plan of your future. And he said yes I am doing job and studying and after that I will do what ever I want I am 18 now. I will not follow your rule. And I said son you are working and now you are able to support your self you can do what ever you want but not in my home.
    You have no idea what happened after that, it was very very frightening, the moment I said that not in my home he start yelling at me throwing the stuff on the floor breaking plates smashing doors calling me :censored2:, and so many bad words. I said stop or I will call the police and he like I will call the police and tell them that you people destroy my life. And he call the police him self and smash the phone on the wall.
    I lock my daughters in the room so he won't hurt them. He was walking all around the house and yelling , swearing , bashing doors , that my neighbours woke up at the middle of night and they call 911. It was frightening, I was shivering .
    I cannot believe that he is the one for I was crying and praying no matter what he did I was protecting him. I just start conversation about the idea of leaving and what he did.
    Any how police came and he was acting like mental.
    So he is gone!!
    First it was very hard for me whole day I was thinking that how to start conversation with him about leaving. Should I have to fight or talk politely.
    All day I was fighting with my heart. My heart says don't do it but my mind says yes this is it.
    But it's just happened. He act like very danger person.
    But now I feel relax, I don't want to think about this any more.
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  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I am so sorry, Exhausted. I can only imagine how much that hurt you.

    Sometimes, when we see our difficult child in full living color---doing what they do---it opens our eyes fully to what WE must do.

    You were prepared to do something very very hard for all of us moms. No matter what our adult children have done, it is still so hard for us to say: No more. It takes tremendous courage and strength to do what you did.

    And then, once you did it---you did the RIGHT THING---you got to see your decision confirmed. Right then. His reaction confirmed that you did the right thing 100 percent.

    If today, you are having any doubts at all---don't. He showed you exactly who he is. Believe him.

    He can change, of course, but that is completely up to him. You can't make it happen, no matter how much you love him.

    Once you recover a little bit, start thinking about yourself and your daughters and how you need to move forward as a family, to be safe, to be happy again.

    Blessings for you all today.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Reading your post was heartwrenching, but you can not, under any circumstances, live with him ever again. He is dangerous, unstable, and scary. Change your locks...he may try to break in. I don't know where you live or if they have restraining orders in your country to keep people legally away from you, but if you do, try to get one. It is sad when the ones we love so much are dangerous to us, but sometimes we have to end even relationships with our children. Since he has beaten you up, if I were you, I would never see him alone, without a very strong man at your side. I'm not sure I would want to see him at all, but I am not you and this is your decision. Tell your daughters to watch out in case he is lurking around your house.

    Remember: YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR LOCKS! I'd also change any credit card passwords he knows about or ANY passwords that he knows about. If he comes to your door banging on it, call the police again. Safety has to be your first priority.

    Once this is settled, you can then start to move on and create a new and better life for yourself, free of fear and without walking on eggshells constantly. There is something very wrong with any adult who will strike his own mother. That is crossing a line that means he does not care about societal norms and will do anything at all to get his own way, even harm his own family. It is not normal.

    When you are having a hard time, maybe think of the wonderful Serenity Prayer, which I feel has value even if you do not believe in a higher power (of course it helps more if you do).

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
    the courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference."

    I once had a necklace with this prayer on it to remind me of these true words when I started feeling like I had to fix this or fix that person.

    Gentle hugs for your hurting heart and hoping you find peace soon. Please keep posting. We are on call here 24/7 :)
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Exhausted... I feel for you you have been through the wringer. I so sympathize as I have been through similar things with my son. When my son was 18 he was like your son, thinking he could do whatever he wanted, flagrantly disobeying our very simple rules etc. I told him he had two weeks to clean up his act or he would need to leave and he threatened to bash my teeth in.... So I went to the police and had them come and make him leave. It was gut and heart wrenching. I know both the hurt and relief you are feeling. Gven how your son was acting I think the police needed to get involved.... and honestly they are so entitled they think the police are going to be on their side????

    So your son is very entitled right now and he needs to learn the hard way, as many of our difficult children do. He has absolutely no right to treat you that way, he does not get to live life doing whatever he wants to do, obeying no rules. Society does not work that way and it is time he learns that.

    You are probably in for some more gut wrenching times.....but that is not the end of the road.

    We have been through a lot with my son (find my stories on this forum). However he is now 22 and in a long term rehab and doing ok. We do have a relationship and he is actually appreciative of the things we do do for him. My home is a peaceful place where I like to be because he does not live here!!

    You have two younger daughters that you need to protect and so for them he needs to stay out of the house. I know it is hard sometimes to do what is right for us, and easier to do what is right for your younger children!!

    I hope your husband realizes that he needs to support in all this and will be willing to talk now that your son is out of the house.


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  18. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Oh Exhausted, I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers your way!!
  19. momseekingadvice

    momseekingadvice New Member

  20. momseekingadvice

    momseekingadvice New Member

    midwestmom, i'm going through the same thing right now, but I know everything you're saying it's true. I feel guilty when I go out to dinner or if having somewhat of good time. I feel like I should not be enjoying myself, while my daughter is suffering. I go through the motions of my daily routine, such a work, cleaning the house or cooking dinner, but I can't stop thinking about my daughter and where's she's at or if she's in danger.