worn out from abuse

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sandt Zamito, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I have a 23 yr. Old daughter that lives with me and is abusive. She knows how to manipulate me when I don't give in to what she wants. Swears and calls me names. I am going to get an order of protection. Anyone else going through this
     
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Sandy. Somehow I managed to avoid the "swearing at me" stage for now. Ferb is definitely a top notch manipulator, though.

    I've had to get a protective order exactly twice in my life. Please remember that it is only a piece of paper. It is a good idea to get one, but it won't exactly keep you safe if your daughter becomes violent.

    Have you kicked her out of your house? I'm thinking you want to change all the locks. Make sure your windows are locked. Keep a phone by your bed at night. Think ahead as much as you can. Please be careful.
     
  3. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I can't change the locks because i don't own the house. I think maybe the protection order will scare her so she won't get belligerent for that fear. What do you think
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Sandy, welcome. I'm sorry you are having to deal with an abusive adult child.

    If she has addiction issues, you might post in Substance Abuse and find an Al Anon group near you or a Families Anonymous group, many parents here find solace in the 12 step groups.

    If she has mental illness, you can contact NAMI,the National Alliance on Mental Illness.They have excellent courses for parents plus resources for your daughter.

    You might find some support by reading the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment.

    There is a good book you might enjoy called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie which outlines behaviors that keep us stuck in relationships where we allow others to manipulate/use us.

    Many of us here have to learn a very different way to deal with our adult children who abuse and/or manipulate us. We have to learn how to set strong, impenetrable boundaries which is not easy to do. We have to learn how to respond differently, how to say no, how to NOT engage in their crazy making behaviors. In addition we usually need to learn how to put ourselves first and put our needs as a priority. We've gotten used to caring for our kids above all else, it becomes habitual behavior. It takes time and practice to change. Often we need outside professional help. A 12 step group, a therapist, a parent group, a pastor or clergyman, someone you feel safe with and can talk freely with about your issues with your daughter. Someone who can offer guidance and support.

    A 23 year old woman has no right being abusive to you, you must stop the behavior. I'm not clear on how a protective order will work if she continues to live with you........can she move out?

    Keep posting Sandy, it helps.......hang in there......I'm glad you're here......
     
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sandy, if that is your real name, you may want to change it, this is an anonymous site, (which protects you and your daughter).
     
  6. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I need to take care of myself not her. Thank you for the support. She can move out but nowhere to go other than a shelter but she works 15 hts a week
     
  7. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    How do i change it
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Perhaps giving her a move-out date down the line, giving her time to bump up the 15 hours a week so she can afford a room or a small apartment. It is often healthier all around when our adult kids don't live with us. Especially if they are abusive and manipulative. Take care of YOU Sandy, when we do that, it seems things start to work out. Be very kind to yourself, get yourself some support.....
     
  9. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    Thank you. I will put this good advice to use
     
  10. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I don't really like the idea of a protective order if you have no way to back it up. It doesn't make sense if she is still living with you. You have to have a reasonable way to put physical distance between the two of you.

    My late husband became psychotic. I went to the police and was able to obtain a short-term protective order. My husband was not allowed to step onto OUR property. Since he was truly crazy, he actually came over one night. He stayed across the street pacing up and down. I called the police, and they arrested him for violating the protective order.

    I think that if you do obtain a PO, that your landlord would agree to changing the locks. You might need to pay for the change, but I think you could still do it. You do need a specific reason for the protective order. What has she done that makes you believe you need one?
     
  11. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    She wakes me up every morning at 6 am ranting about something. She never takes no for an answer and then starts with the name calling and throwing things. This behavior has become increasingly worse since she has been 19 yrs. Old. It is affecting my health and i am crying and very depressed
     
  12. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I am seeking a po today
     
  13. Maddmom

    Maddmom New Member

    Cofependent no more. Who is yhe author. Like to get it
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Melody Beattie.

    There is also a 12 step group called codependents anonymous. They have CODA Meetings online too.
     
  15. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I really love this quote
     
  16. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    Where can I find this group online
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look up Codependent Anonymous online groups in your search engine.