Worst Christmas ever

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dekalbdaddy, Dec 26, 2014.

  1. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

    I was having a great day with three of my seven children then all hell broke loose when I grounded my twelve year old son because he was getting frustrated at a video game which translated into him being really verbally abusive toward his younger sister. I tried to ignore it and not engage him and had her go into another room. He punched a hole in a wall and began tearing the stuffing out of a pillow and a couch cushion. I repeatedly warned him that I was going to call the police. He kept daring me to as he pulled the stuffing out of the couch so I did call them. Fortunately his older sister showed up and took him to his mom's house. Then I found out that my sixteen year old daughter is going to have to live with me. She is in a psychiatric unit right now diagnosed with conduct disorder and has threatened to kill two of her sisters plus tortured and killed her pet rabbit so she can't go back home with her mom and siblings I am so depressed and stressed that sometimes it feels like my body and mind can't contain it all. Has anyone else ever had a day like that. I'm sure alot of you have. And what is a difficult child
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome dekalbdaddy! So sorry you needed to find us but happy that you did.

    difficult child stands for gift from God-the child that brought us here. Our other children are called pcs (perfect children) even though we know they aren't.

    I'm so sorry Christmas was so rough. I've had more than enough of that type to last me a lifetime (I'm sure they aren't done yet). Does your 12 year old have a diagnosis?

    It sounds like you are in for a tough time with your 16 year old. Is it safe for her to be coming into your home?

    Sending some gentle hugs your way.
  3. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Oh dear, dekalbdaddy! I so fear that what you are experiencing with the 12 year old is what we are headed for with my grandson; they sound awfully similar. You certainly have your hands full. No advice, just glad you found this place (it's wonderful) because even if the people here don't have all the answers (but they frequently give great advice), a place to vent and get it out can be nothing short of miraculous.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry! My Christmas was verbally abusive at the end but not physically. What a mess with your 12-year-old. Come back and tell us more about him.
    I don't know what to say about your daughter coming to live with-you, except that you've got to rehome all of your animals, and put locks on all the bedroom doors. And make strict rules with-real consequences. Put on your army sergeant hat and take a deep breath.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    DeKalb Daddy, the sixteen year old is acting dangerously. I am wondering if she was adopted or if her early years were abusive, neglectful or very chaotic and if she could possibly actually have reactive attachment disorder. I mean, CD and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) have the same symptoms, but I am just curious. After all, you are rather old (like me) to have so many young kids. So adoption crossed my mind. I have adopted, and did have experience with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Adopted children, especially those who were exposed to substances in utero and those who were in foster care a long time, tend to have many very difficult problems that are very hard to treat, if they even CAN be treated. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and CD basically mean antisocial personality disorder, only the child isn't old enough to be labeled without a conscience yet.

    It is perilous to live with somebody like that, even a teen, as we had a nightmarish experience with an eleven year old that we adopted. He is no longer in our family. I've adopted four of my five kids, although one isn't really my kid anymore. He took off years ago and I never see him. So he is no longer in my family either, really. He was six and adopted from another country. Both of them had reactive attachment disorder/conduct disorder/lack of empathy and consciences. We have four adult children. Three were adopted and are great kids, but they did not have horrible times before we adopted them and came very young. There's a difference.

    If your children were not adopted, I am guessing they haven't had nurturing, loving early years and still may not, perhaps NOT DUE TO YOU AT ALL. Probably due to bio. mom. Something is off here.

    Are you sure your sixteen year old will not be a threat to YOU? YOU matter too. It is NOT just about your children. You have a life to live and deserves happiness and a wonderful retirement when the time comes. At your age, and my age, we need to be mindful of our health, rest, stress levels...we want to be around to dance at our children's weddings :) At some time we need to decide that we matter as much as our children. If your daughter is too dangerous to live in somebody's home, why would she be safe in YOUR home and why would YOU be safe with her? Have any pets? Expect the worst. She threatened to k ill her siblings? How do you know you wouldn't be in danger too? WE adopted a kid who liked to kill pets, but he put on an act that he loved them. He also sexually abused our younger kids. The day we found out was the last day we saw him.

    He put an end to our adoptions. That scared us. We still do have three wonderful adopted children and one biological young man who is more of an issue. Had our share of grief for sure, but have decided that our lives (hub and me) were going to be peaceful, loving and quiet and free of toxicity.

    If Mom is younger why can't she take care of the children? What's up with that?

    I am sorry you are experiencing so much stress and obviously are somehow feeling that you need to take a dangerous child, who is nearing the end of childhood, instead of letting her get the 24/7 residential care she obviously needs. Is somebody giving you a guilt trip? Do you REALLY want to do this? Because you don't HAVE to. You can say that you feel the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would better meet both of your needs.

    Honestly, I get tired of thinking of all of that. I think it may be different if I was 41 or even 51, but at 61? I'm selfish about my life. I want it to be a good one with lots of happiness. Not grief and chaos.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2014
  6. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

  7. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

    She and I have always been really close and not in the sick way that the counselors would like to believe. I'm not satisfied with the diagnosis. There are too many things that don't make sense. As far as I know she doesn't steal or shoplifting. She does really well in school although she doesn't have many friends and doesn't seem to care. She is kind and helpful toward my neighbors. She hates her siblings and has threatened to kill several of them and even hidden knives under their beds so dcfs says obviously she can't go home to her mom's house. I too am almost sixty. All of my seven children are from my ex-wife and me. At my house it will be just her and I and I'm pretty sure that she and I will be seeing the same counselor not to get info on her but to have some continuity of care. The counselors and I are discussing house rules for discharge and my difficult child understands that this is her only chance. She has never harmed herself or another person yet so hopefully we are catching this in time. I don't know. My twelve year old was just diagnosed with ODD. I'm more worried about him. Those idiots started him on medications when he was only six and now that he has built up a tolerance they keep upping the doses. I really believe that because he was started on those so early he really can't control himself because he has never learned. My ex and I had a really messy divorce eight years ago and are relationship has been very caustic but very recently we are working on putting our differences aside for the children. I was a really low bottom fourth generation drunk. I'm sober five years now but the divorce plus my drinking probably contributed a lot to everything. Plus the city bought up the whole block that my ex lived on so she and the children just moved a few weeks ago and the children are all taking that hard. Thank you all who replied to my post. I know that none of you can solve my problems but it's really nice to know that I'm not alone and that all of you care. I just texted my ex about this site so I hope that she comes and tries it out.
  8. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

    My sister is mad at me now because I told her that I'm really angry at God I told her that I'm sick oh His [email protected]#(!. So she practically hung up on me. It just seems to me that if God really loves my children then why won't he help them. Why do I have to beg so much. If he's mad at me for all the stuff that I've done then take it out on me. Don't punish my children. I feel like I shouldn't have to find the secret words or magic formula of prayers to get God to help my children. I hate feeling this way because my faith used to be so strong. If this is a test its cruel and unusual. I'm so angry at him right now that I can't even bring myself to pray. Sorry if any of you are offended but this.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can't speak for everyone, but it doesn't bother me. I have very strong opinions and beliefs, but no formal religion and I think we make our own choices, not our Higher Power. I believe we are here to make our own path and our behaviors/decisions are on us.It's common for people to question their beliefs during hard times. Unfortunately, I think you will find that it is up to you, your ex and your children to make your lives better. Sitting and waiting for God to do it, probably will continue to frustrate you.

    You mentioned your wife and substance abuse. Are you 100% positive that she did not drink or take a ny other drugs when she was pregnant? There can be actual brain damage due to alcohol ingested while a woman is pregnant and it only takes one time. Usually it is more though. Have you ever heard of fetal alcohol spectrum?

    As for Sister, talk to US. If your sister is normally mean and toxic to you I'd go low to no contact with her or anybody who is not helpful to you right now. That is not the sort of "help" you need.
  10. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

    My sister and I usually get along really well and she is usually supportive but she is very religious and I think I hit a nerve. My ex never smoked and I only saw her have a drink when we went out maybe half a dozen times in the eighteen years that we were married. If she ever took drugs or drank I never noticed it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. She is an RN and she was careful not to consume even coffee when she was pregnant. There are specific physical features that children with fetal alcohol syndrome have and I don't see any of those. Wow. I sound like I'm in denial. Hope not. Just trying to be honest.
  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    It is in the naturals father's DNA - NOT God punishing you. When you do not accept that this is God's chosen path for this person's life, for whatever reason that is, you are taking what up the job of what is up to God to take care of. These are not your trials and tribulations but that of the difficult child and only He knows what lies ahead on the path. Maybe your test of faith right now is to let go and LET GOD. Let God take care of this child, one of His also. Maybe is is the hanging on and not really wanting to trust Him enough that is testing your faith right now. God gave up his Son to save the World, and therefore you can never lose faith that God has a plan for your son as well. Get your fingers off the control button, let God take over and let be what is to be. From what I have read here, you have carried your Christian faith well in dealing with everything that has gone on. That IS a test of faith. Now do you really have enough faith to let go and let God handle this problem for you? Is there anything else that you haven't tried that has worked?
  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Tell the psychiatric unit she is too dangerous to live with her siblings and see of the hospital social worker can fine placement for her.
  13. dekalbdaddy

    dekalbdaddy New Member

    The other children live with my ex so it will just be her and I living in my house. We have always had a close relationship so I want to give this a fair try but there are going to be very specific rules and she knows that this is her one and only chance.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, I misread. I thought she did the alcohol.

    I don't really know what to tell you about your son. I trust Terry A LOT as I feel she does a great job with her son. And always has.
    It could be your daughter was misdiagnosed. It happens. Hopefully it will work out living with you.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Misdiagnosis definitely happens. I think you're wise to keep looking for answers.

    Don't blame God. It's a futile exercise. You could argue that God IS taking care of her, by ensuring that she has the sole attention and focus of one parent who really cares about her and wants to help her.

    We found that once we got the diagnosis that fitted, the difficult child often felt a lot happier and calmer, because they finally knew it wasn't them. That, paradoxically, made it easier for the difficult child to control the problem behaviours. It was as if they now knew they didn't have to be a problem.

    I'm reminded (on the subject of God and helping) of a MAD magazine spoof I read years ago, on the Poseidon Adventure movie. The original one. MAD called it "The Poop-Side Down Adventure". There was a scene in the now upside-down ballroom where the two preachers (the old one and the young one) are giving entirely opposite solutions to the problem. The old preacher is saying, "Let's all sit tight here and wait to be rescued."
    The young, angry preacher (played by Gene Hackman) says, "It's going to be dangerous, but we have to help ourselves and get ourselves out of here. We have to climb up to the bottom. Only there will they be able to effect a rescue. Look - see that old Christmas tree over there? If we work together, try to avoid the electric lights and the water and the hazard of electrocution, we can climb up to that balcony. Come on, help me. it will be dangerous, but it is what God wants us to do."
    One of the other passengers then says, "Why use the Christmas tree? Why don't we just use that ladder over there?"
    The young preacher swings round at him and snarls, "What are you? An atheist?"

    Wherever you stand with God, it really doesn't matter. I do think we often are given way too many expectations of God as a magic wishing fairy. A relationship with God doesn't have to be based on "What did you bring me, huh?" But too often, it is.

    Also - a lot of God-fearing people successfully deal with their problem kids. So do a lot of Muslims, a lot of Jews, a lot of Buddhists, Hindus and atheists. And our kids are what we all have in common. That, and our humanity and desire to make something good out of a challenging situation.

    Hugs, mate. I think you did the right thing. She needed to know your limits, and she found them. That was well done.

  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with this: As for Sister, talk to US. If your sister is normally mean and toxic to you I'd go low to no contact with her or anybody who is not helpful to you right now. That is not the sort of "help" you need.

    It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with support from others. Stick with us. You can vent as much as you want, in any way you want.