worst meeting in a long time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lmf64, Apr 3, 2013.

  1. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    To make what could be a very long story short, I was told the school cannot provide difficult child with an education. He refuses to do class work/participate over 60% of the time. The only good thing that was going was he was doing his work part of the day without any problems for the last 4 months, but the jobsite he was working at is slow right now and there isn't anything for him to do so they (work) tried him on a different job and now he refuses to work. The school does have other options (a Pace program that is actually through the district we physically live in, sending him back to the high school out of the transition program he is currently in, graduate him as he is or the teacher questioned him going to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) Of these options only the Pace program or graduating him are workable in my opinion. AND getting him to buy into switching schools at this point (he's 19) is going to be a very hard sell. He'd like nothing more than to sit home, sleeping all day and gaming all night. So, he would say only graduating him this year is workable, but he is not anywhere near ready for that. I wish I knew what to do. I'm not looking for solutions, probably only looking for pity, but if anyone has input throw it out there.
  2. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    no advice but I am sending u hugs Rabbit
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Is the school offering to send him a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?
  4. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    sending hugs to you.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I'm so sorry. (((Hugs)))
  6. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Thank you for the hugs.
    Liahonna, no they aren't offering to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I think the teacher thought the county would pay for it, but he's too old for the children's programming and not sick enough for adult. I don't want him at home stagnating, but know there is no way he'll go for going back to the high school after being out of there for this school year. As for the Pace program that is set up, I think it could be great for him to learn the pre-vocation education he seems to be lacking, but again I don't know if he'll buy into it.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So sorry. What kinds of programs are available post transitions with your county? Would vocational rehab be an option?

    Transition programs are supposed to be as individualized as any iep, we have that issue here too.....if the kid doesn't fit they try to push it off as a kid problem instead of finding what does work for them...switching sites etc.

    I'm really sorry.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Since he is on the autism spectrum, I would wonder the same thing as buddy. Often these young adults need help in the workforce and in life after high school...and they are considered disabled so they should get it.
  9. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Yes, we have voc-rehab, but no Cadi Waivers to pay for it.
    Buddy, I agree and have prevented them from making him fit a mold until this. He hasn't sat in a classroom for more than an hour since he was in third grade, so I count that he participates over 30% of the time as a positive. I just don't know if I have two more years of school fights left in me. I had major concerns before this school year started because of the attitude of the teacher (there is no love lost on either side, if you remember she felt it was her job to tell me that I should be working and that my brother is showing his kids it's okay to sit around when he was on unemployment at a conference earlier this year) and she will continue to be the teacher for the program he is in next year.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring hugs your way. Voc Rehab in my area offers some help but it is not necessarily easy to get hooked up with them. Volunteers of America provided assistance in job location, provided a job trainer and also had housing available. I hope you can find the right direction. DDD
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    :group-hug:Imf64, I am sending huge, soft hugs. I only go to MN now and then to be with-family so I don't know the new laws and educ transitions you have mentioned, but I'm here if you want to vent.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh i did forget about that. How you feel is much like my friend in a southern suburb. She continues to fight but is worn out, this transition piece she says is just harder.

    I hope options come your way. Is difficult child able to participate at all? Does he know where things stand?

    Sending you hugs.....
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is something I had no clue about when I was in the trenches but have learned about since joining this site. Have they actually done vocational training and have all that written into his IEP? There needs to be how he is going to transition into adulthood written into his IEP and it should have started somewhere around 16 I believe.

    I can see where right now you have a major problem that is probably going to end up with him choosing graduation which I cant blame him doing. Now I can tell you that our local community college offers some classes for people who are probably much like your son educationally. They send a van out to get them every day and these young adults go to college everyday but its more like a learning workshop. They learn more ADL's plus some very simple jobs. We have a relative who had brain damage who did this.
  14. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Thank you all for the hugs. I am in a bad place mentally myself right now, so this meeting really hit me hard.
    We've been working on his transition since he was 14, but we get something worked out and then a month later he refuses to do whatever it is we worked out. He doesn't see himself as disabled in any way. This is a young man who cannot read beyond an early first grade level and has absolutely no concept of how appropriate peer relationships work. I really don't want him sitting at home doing nothing, but the constant fight for the last 13 years has taken a major toll on me. I know there's really no way I can take another year of the same teacher unless I can get difficult child convinced that he is disabled and needs to stick it out a couple more years to see if we can get him to participate and cooperate.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    He is already done with grade 12 (I think?) Janet. He is in the transitions phase that they can be in until age 21. If he accepts his diploma then he moves on to other programs if they can be found, or if they can be funded, if he will cooperate.....

    That's a lot of ifs. Yes, there still is an iep but I think I'll be in a similar spot. We have started the out of school, person centered planning....when asked for input, Q is not able to be realistic at all. I worry he won't cooperate either. Hopefully, he will do as he does now and embrace what is put before him even if he can't come up with a life time plan.

    I'm sorry you are in this place. it really does seem like a tricky spot. I can totally picture feeling that way, as I feel my fighting energy dwindles.

    I hope you can find some kind of good fit for him. Sending all the spare spunk I can.....
  16. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    Yes, he's already finished 12th grade and can/must be in the transition through June after his 21st birthday, still 2 years away.
    Someone brought up at the meeting that maybe what we need to be working on in pre-vocation learning, and because we've had so many meetings in the last 5 years (at least 8 per school year) I think we all know that him buying into what is presented to him is the biggest IF. For three years now he's worked with a local business/non-profit that pays him a wage for working. They can't fire him as long as he's a student, but if he graduates there's no more job for him. If he goes to the other program or back to the high school he won't be getting paid to do the pre-vocation learning that he possibly skipped and I don't know if he'll participate/cooperate if he's not getting paid. I think for the rest of this school year at least, if he decides to go back to work at the jobsite he's worked at on and off for the last three years they'll put him back there (even though it's slow). I don't know if he'll go back there though. He asked to try a different job a couple weeks ago and they jumped on it, got him set to try the other job the next day. Well, he didn't like the job on day one because he had a new supervisor who was trying to teach him how to do the job and had him redo parts a few times. I convinced him that one day wasn't a fair trial. He went back the next day and he decided he didn't want to work that job, so they put him back at the former site.
    Well, they supervisor at the site didn't know he was coming back until he was there and was joking around with him, saying something about being a whiney baby who only wants to work with her (I do believe it was joking and he probably laughed at the time). Minutes later he called me crying because he didn't need to be treated that way and wasn't going to put up with someone calling him a baby so he quit (but like I said I'm 99% sure they'll put him back there if he decides to work again). He always had a good relationship with his supervisor before this, I'm hoping he'll calm down and want to go back soon.
  17. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh wow, poor guy, that would be exactly what q would have done, then after pretending it was funny he would have between mad, embarrassed, want revenge, Ugggg. Darn.
    I hope he can reconnect with her.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Have you looked into what programs like Goodwill and Sheltered Workshop can offer? I realize he may not want to do this, but letting him stay home and play games all night is not healthy. If he quits school, what is your threshhold for what he must to do be able to live at home? What will you be willing to accept as the minimum from him? I would not allow him to stay home and do nothing and if he refuses to work with a program then maybe if he has to try to fend for himself it would make him more willing to work at a job or program?

    I am NOT saying to throw him out right away. I am saying to adopt "Do to Get" as your total philosophy for handlng and supporting him. If he won't do, he doesn't get. THis includes power to his game system, the system itself (you don't have to allow access, and even if it is 'his' property, the power to run it is yours and you CAN turn it off or confiscate the unit if it comes to that. NOT fun, he will rage, but it would be better than having him sit around doing nothing for months/years on end.

    Given his delays, he would qualify for mroe than a few programs and you might have luck searching for grants for job training from the fed govt. If he cannot work because his disabilities, apply for ssi and some type of supportive housing so that he can be a bit more independent and he has to manage some things for himself and you are not the one 'bossing him around' and not lettng him play games all night/sleep all day. the local NAMI chapter and the Dept of Vocational Rehab might help.

    It soun ds totally frustrating and demoralizing for you. It may b time to figure out what you can tolerate as the minimum for behavior is for him, and what will cause you to tell him to go move out and cope on his own for a while if he is so able to handle his own affairs. Sometimes they have to try to make it on their own before they accept that they cannot and they need help. It is hard, heart breaking, terrifying and awful for a parent, but sometimes we have to accept that and make them do the hard things anyway. Sometimes it totally hoovers to be a parent, doesn't it?

  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Good ideas here. I'm sending more hugs.