He told easy child daughter he has a girlfriend

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Oct 27, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Ex called this morning to see if easy child was home because he wanted to take her to lunch. I asked him to let me know if and when he told her that he has a girlfriend so I could keep my ears open to if she was handling it o.k. He said he wasn't planning on telling her yet and I told him he really needed too since he has her at the house all the time, and her 15 year old daughter and I was really concerned about easy child just stopping in and finding them all together. He called me after they had lunch and said he told her and she was fine with it.

    I'm not sure if I should say anything to her about it or not? I don't know if she knows I know, or if I should just leave it alone as long as she seems o.k. She came home a little while ago and seems happy and fine, so I'm thinking I should just leave it alone for now.

    What do you all think???
     
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Leave it be. That way when she finally says something you can honestly say "Yes, I knew that", and she will see that you dealt with it with grace.
     
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I disagree for two major reasons. (1) That leaves her with the
    burden of dealing with it alone. (2) More importantly, your
    silence will lead her to either think you don't know and will
    be traumatized when you find out OR that everyone wants to avoid
    talking about the BIG WHITE elephant in your life.

    I suggest you tell her, "Your Dad told me that he share with
    you at lunch. I am here to listen if you want to talk about it.
    I have made some peace with the situtation but it takes a little
    time. Even though Daddy and I aren't together anymore, we do
    both love you and difficult child and always will."

    That tells her that there is no reason for secrets, that you and
    her Dad discuss family decisions freely even though you are no
    longer together, that you are doing fine etc. I'm pretty darn
    sure I'm right about this. been there done that Hugs. DDD

    PS: Obviously she does not need to know the ugly details.
     
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Yeah, I would ask her about it. She might be afraid to tell you, thinking of your feelings. That would be tough to deal with for her. She might be feeling guilty about not telling you.

    or the other side of the coin, she needs to talk about it and might be angry, but doesn't want to burden you with her feelings.

    Talk to her. She has a lot to deal with right now. After all, her parents just split up.
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd bring it up but be extra careful to make it sound oh so casual.....you know the "I could care less what he does" tone of voice and body language. That way if she's wanting to unload, but is hiding it for fear you'll be upset she'll know it's ok to talk.

    He's just not really a bright man at all is he?? :frankenstein: :rolleyes:
     
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Rob didn't mention his Dad's girlfriend, I had to. He was so relieved to find out that I knew and wasn't devastated by it. And it relieved any guilt he might have felt to like her.

    I agree with D3.

    Suz
     
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Another vote to let her know you know. No secrets.
     
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I vote to for bringing it up with her.

    Steph
     
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm definitely with DDD. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just something like, "Dad said he told you about his girlfriend today." You don't need to make any value judgements yourself or ask her to comment on how she feels. She undoubtedly already will come to you if she needs to talk about it, once she knows you already know about it too. Adding in, "If you want to talk about it, I'm here," COULD make it look like you are wanting to pump her for information. If she DOES talk about it and expresses anger with his girlfriend for breaking you two up, I do think you need to make it clear it's not girlfriend's fault, nor is it easy child's. This break-up is between you and husband, girlfriend is entirely between S2BX and girlfriend. She didn't come between you - the rift was already there.

    Let easy child get to know girlfriend if you think she can handle seeing girlfriend not be around for long. As easy child sees the sequence of GFs pass through S2BX's life, she will get the picture loud and clear without you ever having to say a thing.

    I had a fiancé like S2BX once. I worked out afterwards, he was two-timing me constantly. Then despite the fact that HE broke up with me, he made a point of trying to make me jealous with a girl he saw a lot of. He kept telling all our friends how devoted to him this girl was, how much nicer she was than me, how serious their new relationship was. I got my revenge on him when I made friends with her and everybody could see that she was friendly to him but nothing more. She & I would go shopping together, have lunch together while he tried to bluff his way with our friends.
    And the most important thing - I learned very quickly that it felt much nicer being a friend to her (and hanging around with creep-features, I knew she would need a friend if she were at all serious about him) than in moping around feeling jealous.

    I'm not suggesting you go out and make friends with the new girlfriend - it's probably still a bit too raw for you to even consider that. But think about it from her point of view - this persuasive man has swept her off her feet and just told her he is freshly separated and needing to be cherished and given TLC for his hurting heart - there are a lot of vulnerable, naive women out there who will believe every word he says. And who, from his recent behaviour, will get hurt in a matter of weeks.

    And they are not you - isn't that good?

    Marg
     
  10. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    {I would think to myself...thee is not me! Whew!} Your easy child is smart and you've done a great job at keeping her from being really angry. She will be trying not to hurt you with info. Let her know the info doesn't matter one iota!
     
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You have to open the lines of communication. I'm not sure I would have forced ex to tell her considering "girl friends" change so often but since you did and he did as you wished, you need to let your daughter know it's okay to talk about it. It's even okay for her to bring something up first in case you don't know. In consideration for your feelings, she's going to try to hold it all in -- her anger, her pain, possibly even her joy. Open lines of communication are crucial.
     
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I'm not sure I would have forced ex to tell her considering "girl friends" change so often </div></div>

    Even if they change often, for her sake she needed to know he was dating, no matter who it is. She has been stopping at the house a lot as her and ex seem to be getting along better now that they aren't living in the same house, and I was so afraid she would walk in and see him sitting there haveing a cozy dinner with her and her daughter who I heard he has over often also. I know my easy child, she would have walked in the door, flipped out and driven off upset. It scared me that if this happened, the only way for her to get home is to drive and the thought of it was making me nervous.

    I have hidden my anger very well from easy child. She has no idea there is anything bitter going on between us and pretty much just thinks it's a mutual split due to growing apart. I don't ever want her to know otherwise because I don't ever want her feeling like she's stuck in the middle and trying to protect me. I don't need protection.

    I will just tell her that I know he told her he has a girlfriend and that I don't ever want her to feel funny about it or that she has to hide anything from me as far as meeting her or spending time with her father if she's there. I never want her to feel like she's betraying me. I'll be very careful to not ask her any questions that would make her think I'm trying to get the dirt.

    I know it's not the girlfriend's fault and I do need to make sure to remember that as I'm sure the opportunity will arise when we two shall meet.

    I'm going over to get the dog for a few hours today. Not looking forward to that as this will really be the first time I have see him since the night he told me about her. I'm sure not going to give him the chance to carry on a conversation which he was trying to do on the phone with me yesterday like we are close friends who can chat about our day. He was asking me questions about how to buy a couch, since I took ours, and how those no interest for a year things work????? I just told him I don't have a clue, even though I do, but what I should have said was, don't you have a girlfriend to help you figure these things out now??

    I have to learn to think quicker.
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Karen, sounds like you're on the right track, you know what you're doing and you're comfortable with your decisions now.

    Just a thought - try looking back at your posts about this from a month ago or more, then compare with what you're writing now.

    I hope you will see what we are seeing - increased confidence, assuredness and a lot of growth.

    Carry on!

    Marg
     
  14. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I agree that she needed to know, especially since she would have probably run in to them sooner or later. Just don't make a big deal out of it. She was probably very relieved to know that you were already aware of it. It would have been very uncomfortable and stressful for her to think that you didn't know - it would have put her in the position of having to decide whether to tell you or not. It can't be easy for her to see her father with another woman (and that womans daughter!), especially if she ever had any faint hopes of you two getting back together again. And seeing her own dad acting "fatherly" towards someone elses' kid will not be easy for her either. Just keep the lines of communications open because she'll have a lot to work through.

    Just make sure that he is never allowed to try to put her in the middle, to use her as a "go-between" or to deliver messages through her to you. No child should be put in that position.
     
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I disagree for two major reasons. (1) That leaves her with the
    burden of dealing with it alone. (2) More importantly, your
    silence will lead her to either think you don't know and will
    be traumatized when you find out OR that everyone wants to avoid
    talking about the BIG WHITE elephant in your life.

    I suggest you tell her, "Your Dad told me what he shared with
    you at lunch. I am here to listen if you want to talk about it.
    I have made some peace with the situtation but it takes a little
    time. Even though Daddy and I aren't together anymore, we do
    both love you and difficult child and always will."

    That tells her that there is no reason for secrets, that you and
    her Dad discuss family decisions freely even though you are no
    longer together, that you are doing fine etc. I'm pretty darn
    sure I'm right about this. been there done that Hugs. DDD

    PS: Obviously she does not need to know the ugly details. </div></div>

    Ditto~
     
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I agree that your daughter needed to know dad was dating, but I'm not convinced she needed to know he had a "girl friend." This is a man who will go through women like a kid goes through Halloween candy.

    Do try to be kind to his "new" woman when you see her. As sure as there is green grass, you can bet she will be another "victim" in a long line of women he will date, cheat on, etc.
     
  17. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I agree with what DDD said about telling her you know.

    Another thought I had about your NOT telling her about your feelings of bitterness toward your "seperated h" is that it gives her a false feeling of how to deal with relationships. By this I mean when I was a kid our parents NEVER fought in front of us kids....now you would think that was a good thing, but I grew up with the unrealistic expectation that if you married someone you NEVER argued, raised voices or got mad. You can imagine my surpise when I married and got into an argument (over nothing), I thought I was a failure and should get divorced before we even had kids. I worked up the nerve to talk to my mom and asked her why she never argued with or got mad at my dad? She just looked at me and said it seemed like she was mad at my dad for half her married life and couldn't believe we kids didn't see this.....

    I'm not saying to share all the gorey details, just let your easy child know that there is more to the seperation than just "growing apart"......let her know that relationships don't just happen and you have to work at them....they can fall apart when couples are not working in the same direction......

    Just my 2 cents......
     
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That makes sense why me mom. BFF Jill said if she asked me if I was o.k. with it, I should just say something like, well I wasn't really given a choice, so I have to be o.k. Maybe not those exact words, but it lets her know that I'm o.k. but I don't think what he's doing is o.k. If she ever wants any more details about them, I will tell her she needs to ask her father those things.

    I went and picked up my dog this morning. Thank god he wasn't there, but he did pass me on the way and made a point to flash his headlights, like I wouldn't know it was him driving his huge red work truck!!! Then of course I like to take the dog to the town green now to have a nice walk, so she can be all set to just sneak into my apartment, and who keeps driving by and beeping everytime. I guess if we are going to live in the same town I need to get used to it.

    Tomorrow I am going to town hall and getting the papers to fill out to have him served. I was going to wait and make him do it because for some reason he has it in his head that whoever serves the other is the one who left!!! I know he left me so that's all that matters. Plus I really don't need a sheriff showing up at my work to serve me.

    Halloween should be interesting. I'm going to BFF's house to pass out candy because she had foot surger and is in a wheelchair. his girlfriend lives about 3 houses down on the oppositive side of the street. Jill said she usually walks her nephews around. Wouldn't it be funny if they came up to the door trick or treating and I was the one handing out the candy. I think that would be quite amuzeing.
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    K,

    Not to sound clinical, but what do you think about it? I mean what if your daughter wants to know what you think and how you feel about it. Have you mentally prepared yourself for that?

    I agree with D3 and others in telling her that you're there for her if she needs to talk.

    However I feel how YOU handle the situation and YOUR tone towards explaining to her how you feel may need something more along the lines of discussing with your counselor. I don't know if you want to be nonchalant about it due to the fact that she is a young woman, someday she's going to marry and if something happens in her marriage that may be correctable she could draw on YOUR attitude to the matter and potentially walk away from a good marriage because she is mimicking your ideals. (does this make sense) On the other hand (you have 4 fingers and a thumb) and you don't want to sit down and fall apart which may be hard because it's a very emotional time for you. It most certainly is not the time to point out all her fathers faults, or be an infomercial to your private life. More of a need to know - but you need to know what to say.

    I would talk it over with my counselor. Your daughter may ask a ton of but why's or she may say very little. In any event you want to be prepared to handle this well.

    Just my .84 cents.
    Star
     
  20. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know my daughter well enough to know that she's not going to ask too much. I think she just needs to know that I'm o.k. I know she worries about me and I can tell that by how much time she spends home with me now almost feeling sometimes like she has to entertain me. I keep assuring her that I enjoy time to myself and that there is no need for her to worry about me.

    Tonight will be the first chance that I will catch her alone to mention anything. If she asks what I think about it maybe I should tell her that I'm not going to lie, and that it hurts, but I will get through this and I will move on and be o.k. I don't want to give her to much detail because then I feel like it will be seen as me trying to turn her against him. I'm not worried about him, but I don't want to do this to her.

    I should have thought to ask my counselor last week how to handle this. Now I don't see her again until Thursday, so I'll just have to wing it and do what I think is best.
     
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