I know probably most of the folks on the board don't really "know" me, not in the same sense that folks did 10 years ago, and I apologize for spewing, but I have really just reached the end of the rope with this man and if I don't vent it out, I'm going to just explode and I do not want to do it in front of the kids. There is of course no one else in my life besides husband, and he's deaf on the subject, so you guys are it. husband and I have been married almost 25 years. We've endured a lot in spite of the fact (or maybe because) we are 2 completely different kinds of people. We actually get along rather well - dips and waves like most couples I think but no fighting, really - at least not in a very very long time. I really enjoy his company. I think it's pretty remarkable that after this long together, we're still friends. The man is a hypochondriac, or heck, I dunno, maybe he really is sick, but.... the older he gets the less tolerance he has for not feeling well. Can't tell you how many times I've told him to drive himself to the ER (perhaps because the "chest pain" is heartburn from the darn salsa you ate 2 hours ago????). We had a 3-ring circus about 6 weeks ago, which I (rightly) tagged as a panic attack. But no, we have to go thru the whole flipping process of CT to rule out embolus, echo, stress test, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. And of course, he is starting to show some early changes on EKG and echo - perhaps because he's been carrying around 150 *extra* pounds for at least the last 10 years??????? And where is he right now? In the ER. I didn't ask for specifics because I quite frankly don't want to know. He was absolutely insulted at the diagnosis of panic attack. Insulted. Because.... what? There's no stress in his life???? Get real. Umpteen years of mental health tx with- thank you, and husband *still* refuses to acknowledge or address the fact that HE IS STRESSED. He is *morbidly* obese and he can't figure out that that just might have something to do with his issues as well???? The whole weight thing is a huge issue with me. I grew up in a home where my dad berated my mom for being "fat" my entire childhood - truth be told, while Mom's BMI hasn't been normal since about 1960, the woman is not "fat." Anyhoo.... lots of junk tied up with- that whole thing that prevents me from being the food police with- husband. I buy healthy food, or I give him healthy shopping lists. I cannot control what he does on his own. I refuse to police him. He's got a gym membership. I'm pretty sure going twice a year ain't gonna cut it. I am not his darn mother. He's a big boy (OMG, a pun). I'm angry and scared and angry. So angry that I actually found an apartment for myself about 6 weeks ago. When I told husband that I thought it was time for me to leave, he begged me to stay, said that we could make things better. I do love the man and I don't want to hurt him, so I stayed. What a flipping soap opera. Maybe I'm off base, but I figure if you're gonna kill yourself with- a lousy lifestyle, shut up about it. The sheer gut terror I feel at the thought of him dying is ... indescribable. I don't understand not taking care of yourself and then spazing out every time you don't feel well. I mean - duh???? Logical consequences???? Help. Help me put this in perspective so I'm not an absolute witch with a "b" when he gets home tonight. Help me not be angry when I have to write the next round of checks for thousands of dollars because he's too.... I don't even know what the word is.... to either take care of himself better or just deal with- the fallout of his poor choices. I feel like there's this huge anvil hanging over our heads - I distrust the medical profession enough to know that one of these times, they're going to decide (rightly or wrongly) that something serious is going on and he's going to become a flipping invalid.... and heaven help me, in spite of "in sickness and in health," I simply cannot take care of him *and* Boo. I don't have it in me to do it all on my own. I am just so darn angry with- him right now - and he knows from past history that my toast is beyond burnt, and even that is not going to be enough for him to do anything differently. Someone with wise words, or even a smack upside my head.... whatever. I just need some input here, please.