Lunch with the opposite sex

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have known my auto mechanic (M) since 1996, the same year H and I were married. M and I have always been friendly and H has met him several times and they are friendly also (though not as friendly as M and I as it's my car and I'm the one who he mostly sees).

    Anyway, long story short, M has always invited H and I to meet he and his wife out for drinks and we never go because H doesn't drink or we have stuff going on. We've invited him and his family to our home for graduation parties, etc., as well but the timing is always off so we've never socialized outside of the garage (haha). This morning I brought my car into the shop and M and I were chatting and he asked if we could maybe have lunch together and I said sure. So, we did and it was fine, we even ran into another friend of mine, so it's not like we have anything to hide or there is anything going on like that. We talked about our kids, spouses, normal stuff.

    So, after I dropped him off back at work, I started thinking that if the shoe were on the other foot and my H went to lunch with another woman, I would probably not like it very much and would have a hard time NOT thinking it strange or NOT completely innocent. What's up with that??

    Was I wrong to accept this lunch out with my male friend? Should I have declined? I think he would have thought I was being paranoid and old fashioned if I had made excuses. I will tell my H, but I know he is going to mostly just tease me...then in something like 5 years from now, it will come out that it bothered him (just like it would bother me). But in the meantime he will just tease me. He already refers to M as my boyfriend, kidding around, but you know the old saying, "behind every joke there is some truth" so maybe he would be threatened by this?

    So? What do you think?
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Jo, my first instinct said, "Oh no oh no".

    My husband and I have set a policy of no "lunch dates" with the opposite sex. There is reason for that. Attraction/intimacy does happen and neither one of us wants to risk losing our marriage. There was a time when our marriage was "at risk" and husband was having lunch dates with another woman.

    Anyway, just my take, not a good thing to do in my opinion.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh.......thanks lovemysons. I'm thinkin' that's a good rule; I wish I had thought of it before rather than after.
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Well, I never would have accepted the invitation, innocent or not.....just for the reason you suggested.....I would have not understood my husband having lunch with a female mechanic. I also grew up in a different era.....very old fashioned, I was reluctant to call my husband before we were married just to talk. My mom told me "you let him call you".....

    So don't know if this is the modern answer, but I would never put any doubt in my husband's life about our relationship....he comes first....

    I think I would have reacted to the invitation by saying it would be great if all (you + spouses) could have had lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever.....

    This is how rumours get started.....hope your husband is an easy-going understanding man.....
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Whats that saying..."when we knew better we did better"

    My husband and I had to learn the "hard way".
    I was angry that our boys were at drug rehab and blamed him for being an overbearing football coach etc etc etc. Meanwhile he was getting closer and closer to a beautiful young gal he was "training" at the time. Our marriage came _this close to ending.
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I don't see anything wrong with it. I recently went out to lunch with a visiting scholar from another country (male)--I work at a university library and have gotten sort of acquainted with him. There was nothing to it, just a lunch. I told my husband and he didn't think anything of it. It wouldn't bother me if he went out to lunch with a female acquaintance. Just my own situation...
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jane, I think that's the reason I didn't even give it a thought.

    I have gone out to lunch with business colleagues forever and it's meaningless - just lunch and conversation and my H doesn't seem to care at all.

    I think with M it may be a bit different, however, because my H kiddingly calls him my 'boyfriend' as in, "Ooooh, you took your car in today? Did you see your boyfriend?" and we both laugh, but I am just wondering. I always tell H that HE is my boyfriend and give him a big squeeze. I just wanted to see what others thought. Thanks.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Often is the case that I or husband meet with others of the opposite sex. There is trust. Most is work related. Occasionally it's social.
    There is an issue of trust. Some relationships have it and some relationships for reasons of past behavior do not.
    It's not to say that your husband won't have a bit of a question mark in the back of his mind that you preferred friend to husband.

    Truthfully, I think it's much more dangerous to have an online relationship than a very open social lunch. The internet by it's very nature is an invitation into your home and has that sense of intimacy. No waiters are watching what is written. No bumping into old friends.

    If you think it will give husband pause then you should never do it again. I'm not sure telling him will be for his benefit or to relieve yourself of guilt.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    With what my h and I are going through right now, I don't think I could answer that with a clear head. If you asked me this a few months ago I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it. My h goes out to lunch all the time with my bff Jill, but they always have and it's usually to talk about me and then bff Jill tells me everything he said :smile:
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    There is an issue of trust. Some relationships have it and some relationships for reasons of past behavior do not.
    It's not to say that your husband won't have a bit of a question mark in the back of his mind that you preferred friend to husband.

    Fran, this is very true. I think H completely trusts me and I do trust him...but...

    Truthfully, I think it's much more dangerous to have an online relationship than a very open social lunch. The internet by it's very nature is an invitation into your home and has that sense of intimacy. No waiters are watching what is written. No bumping into old friends.

    ...not when it comes to the internet. I have a small issue with H's boss's girlfriend sending H risque/bordeline pornographic in nature emails to my H. Now, my H almost never even checks his emails and when he does, he will even sometimes call me in to see it, but it just bugs me that she is so forward in this regard. Also, I know H has viewed questionable material on line and that goes against my personal feelings about such things.

    As far as actually going out and cheating on one another? I can honestly say that I do not think it would ever happen.

    I have always had many guy friends, but of course, after marriage, we grew apart from one another. I don't think H will be upset by this lunch thing. As you said, it's not like we snuck off somewhere; we were out in the open, ran into a friend and his entire staff knew about it - we weren't hiding anything. And I do not feel any guilt whatsoever...I mostly just wanted to hear what others had to say. Thanks!

    And klfd - I do think personal experience and prior incidents very much are linked to how anyone would percieve this and react to this. Hugs~
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I would be bothered if my wife had a solo social lunch with a man. Less so if she told me about it than if I found out from someone else, but still bothered. We trust each other but both feel that such contacts are not appropriate.

    Both of us were divorced from unfaithful first spouses, so we may be oversensitive.

    I have two married colleagues who regularly go out to lunch alone with each other. It may be entirely innocent, in fact, I am 99% sure it is, since they never make any secret of it and frequently include other people from the office, including me. Nevertheless, people have noticed. in my opinion they are buying trouble down the road.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Fran. If you sneak off to a quiet cozy restaurant with drinks for two, its one thing. Lunch at the neighborhood diner is another.

    When I worked, I had lunch often with male coworkers. No biggie. husband has some females that work in his job field and once in a blue moon he goes out to lunch with them. Or even worse, when he is out of town, they may even in his room when I call! I dont freak out. If he was going to cheat on me when he is out of town, there is nothing I could do about it.

    I know mostly that these ladies are there to watch tv, shoot the breeze, drink a few beers with the guys who do drink, and thats it. If someone else wants to cheat...thats not my problem.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet, you are secure! I would not be pleased with women in BFs room while on a business trip. Period. No thought to it.

    I do not mind the occasional lunch with a coworker or even a business dinner - usually there are many people. But, at times it has been just boyfriend and one woman.

    I have had several lunches out with men I work with. Totally innocent.

    To me it is the honesty of it all. I trust. I expect honesty. If I find out that boyfriend had lunch or dinner or some other event with another woman that he did not share with me - I would be instantly suspicious.

    I think this is going to be one of those things that is just different for everyone. No right or wrong answers, just different ones.
  14. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    My husband and I have a no opposite sex lunch date policy. We too learned the hard way.

    Unfortunately, my husband and his secretary often went out to lunch. I didn't like it ... but tried to bury my jealous bone.

    We live in a small town ... and the rumor mill began. There was no truth to the rumors ... but people like to gossip.

    Now, we avoid the very appearance of anything clandestine.

    I personally would tell your husband about your decision to have lunch with this man. If he finds out via another source, that, in my mind, would create mistrust.

    Talk about it ... decide what works for your marriage and then stick to it.
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm pretty old-fashioned. Never call the guy until it is at least a semi-serious relationship and have a very, very good reason. The man asks for the date, the dance, etc. However, I see nothing wrong with having lunch with a friend or semi-friend. You guys have been trying to get together as couples for a while. Sounds to me like this lunch was just a convenient time to get together. Of course, if the conversation turned somewhat risque, I'd be worried about your mechanic's intentions.

    I think you are feeling guilty because you have some issues with the idea of your husband having lunch with a female. You might want to think about why that would bother you. Unless it was a very romantic restaurant or done very secretly, don't you think it would be as innocent as yours was?
  16. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    This is MY two cents......I will NEVER fight for husband. We're either together or not. IF they can get him, they can have him. (They can't get him...hehehehe!!!) Frankly, I guess I feel pretty secure since we've been married almost 38 years. I couldn't care less if he had lunch with someone, really. The pure fact that you're questioning it here, says a lot in this situation. If you're going to feel badly, don't do it again.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    husband and I have lunch with-people of the opposite sex all the time. No biggie. Besides, what do you do if you're professional colleagues? It's ridiculous to draw a line in the sand like that.
    People will say things. Tough. Let them talk. It's YOUR spouse who matters. Ask him.
    (Oh, there ARE some people my husband does not want me around. I respect that. There are enough people in the world of both sexes that I don't have to push the point. I expect him to honor my wishes, should I ever voice the same opinion.)
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think this is very interesting. I am totally secure in my marriage. husband can go to lunch with anyone he wants (if they can get him away from his balance bars and video games!). So can I, neither of us minds because we both know that we are truly committed to each other.

    The first Christmas after we were married one of husband's old girlfriends came to town for a conference. They went to dinner (He asked me to come, I asked why on earth I would want to? I knew her separately form him and didn't like her - but she was no threat to US). He came home early from the visity because she was as ever, and he had settled down and wanted to show off pics of newborn difficult child and me!!

    We still have this committment, and sometimes I think it is to a mental insitution, but here we are.

    And lunch is only a big deal if it is for the two of you (you and husband)

  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    forgot to mention this,

    Others may be likely to try tostir up trouble for you. It is important to not let them. Be open and honest with yourself and your husband, and ignore what others say.

    husband worked in an office where he was the ONLY guy. One of the ladies he worked with was young and pretty. Very sweet young girl. She left her husband because they were a bad match and the h was getting into drugs. She was pg, and started to look up to my husband. He talked to her and about her like a little sister.

    One of MY friends kept telling me I was going to have trouble, that this girl was going to try to steal my husband. I smiled and nodded at her, the way I did with her other crazy ideas.

    The young girl did say she wanted a guy like my husband. She even said it to me. What she meant was she wanted a man who would love and support her no matter what, who would be a good father to her daughter and any other children they might have.

    Guess What?

    The sweet young girl got married a year later, to a man who was a younger version of my husband. Different hobbies and looks, but the same sweet, faithful, intelligence.

    My friend was dead wrong, my instincts were right.

    Listen to your instincts and your open and honest heart.

  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you Susie, and others.

    My H is asleep and with my mom here, we have about a minute in the hallway to say hello. When she leaves, this weekend thank you God, I am going to make it a point to talk about this with H. I really am curious to know if it bothers him so I know for future reference and can respect his wishes and perhaps learn a thing about my own feelings should the situation ever be turned around. Hmmm. Good food for thought.

    Thanks again.