My Mom just called and said one of her sister's had died, then said she and her other two sisters were going to just send money in lieu of flowers because this one had been in the hospital a while so they figured $25-$30 would help more than anything. Then she said "bye" and hung up- not because of emotions- she wasn't crying. My mom is really wierd- she never got the "family" concept at all. Anyway, we had known for a few days that my aunt was probably not going to make it. They had gotten all her kids (grown) there and my uncle was there- these were always the best people- they had the "family" concept, even though they had been the ones to struggle most financially as my generation was growing up(well, they had the most kids-5- LOL). Anyway, even if four of us put $30 together, that's only $120 and I would be TOTALLY embarressed to do that. They were not financially strapped the past 10-15 years and even so, how much would that amount go toward hospital bills? And, I am not too comfortable with the idea that No One is sending flowers, unless the family requests it. I haven't seen them in 20 years- they lived in Michigan, then Arizona. I really loved this whole family- not just my aunt. My uncle was great and my cousins from this family always welcomed me much more than any other cousins on either side of the family. My mom has not encouraged a close relationship between me and any of her sisters- even though I was pretty close with another one growing up and have communicated some with the other more as an adult. But my mom ALWAYS referred to them as "her family" to me. Suggestions? Would it be "not kosher" to put the $30 toward what the others are giving, and still send a small flowers and a tray of food from a place local to them? There are grown kids but I can't see them or their spouses being in any emotional shape to be worried about food, and there are young grand-children. But I don't want to cause conflict.