Really srtuggling here (vent warning)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by GuideMe, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    So as I mentioned in a pervious post, me and my sis in law had it out a month before Thanksgiving because I couldn't take how toxic she and my brother. I am totally convinced now that they are both narcissist to the umph degree. They love the drama, to have arrogance , and all that other jazz. Simply could not take it any longer and I tried so hard for many years for the kids sake most of all.

    Brother invited me to thanksgiving and i went, for my difficult child and niece and nephews too. Well, we all know how that turned out.

    So, as you all may or may not know. I am very attached to my niece and my nephews.

    So Christmas is now approaching and I am dreading it, who wouldn't? To make matters even worse, one of my nephews just can't get close to me. He has amazing qualities about him and I love him regardless, but for whatever reason, he doesn't respect me, love me, hug me, etc.. and he is rude and can be mean to me a lot of the time, and it's very hurtful to be honest. One time he almost had me in tears. That is another reason why I didn't want to be around brothers family anymore. My nephew was getting out of control. However, and this is a big however, my other niece and my oldest nephew simply adore me and I adore them. My oldest nephew has made it very clear to me verbally time and time again that he needs me in his life, I choke up as I write this, and he truly wants me around. My oldest nephew is nothing but a pleasure. Niece loves me to pieces too and she is too cute and precious for words. Both the complete contrast of middle nephew. I tried so very hard with him for so many years but he is who he is. I don't know why he is so different, so complicated and so difficult. I strongly suspect some sort of personality disorder with him but for the life of me, can't figure out which one. All I know is, I tried so desperately hard with him for years, no aunt would try as hard as I have, no aunt. I spoiled him, took him everywhere, babysat him, played with him endlessly, just so much. I am just to the point now where I feel why should I treat my nephews equally great when one is really bad to me and the other one is really good to me? I want to do more for my oldest nephew and frankly , he deserves more. However, I would never in a million years mistreat my middle nephew. I would treat him just like my nephew, but I just don't want to do as much for him as my other nephew anymore or until he starts to act better. The parents (brother and girlfriend) are very adamant about them both getting treated equally (because both nephews have two different moms. Oldest nephews belongs to my brothers ex) and of course so am I, but it's becoming BEYOND impossible for me to do that when middle nephew is acting so poorly. Regardless of how he acts, I still love him and would give my life in an instant for him. That will never change.

    So now with Christmas coming just around the corner, not only do I have to deal with three major stressors who are brother, his woman and difficult child, but now my nephew is added to the list and he is only six years old (I feel ashamed that I feel like this about a six year old). difficult child has been acting pretty good lately so I don't anticipate any problems with her, but still this is all too much.

    The only ones I want to see are difficult child (so long as she is cool), oldest nephew and youngest niece.

    If I don't go , oldest nephew will be heartbroken (he's 9 years old by the way) and probably won't forgive me. Niece is still a baby so won't really notice or remember. difficult child doesn't really care because she knows how I feel and wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't want to go.

    So in essence, I am only going under this incredible duress for oldest nephew or else I would just skip Christmas for this year. Also, I just feel obligated to go and I really don't want to be alone on Christmas either.

    These are my only family members with in 500 square miles folks. There is no going anywhere else. These are the only peeps that I have. I desperately want to move back to my hometown, but I can't leave difficult child just yet. However, I know for a fact if get the hell away from here, the fifth circle of HELL, I will be so much better, even though I am scarred by a lot of memories of this place. There is nothing for me here besides difficult child, oldest nephew and niece.

    Ugh. Sorry. I had to vent
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's becoming harder and harder, no scratch that, just impossible for me to hide my feelings about this whole situation. It's so hard going somewhere and putting on this incredibly fake front. I can't hide the hurt or my displeasure for when middle nephew acts this way towards me. I just want to ignore him when he acts like that but brother and his girlfriend would sense it immediately and get very offended if I ignored him, which hence would lead into an argument. I also have that same feeling with brother and his girlfriend for we are not on good terms. On the other hand, I have difficult child (at this point of time), oldest nephew and niece who are wanting and counting on me to be there and who want me there more than anything. Ugh, what a predicament.
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    'God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change (like other people),
    the Courage to change the things we can (we can only change our own behavior)
    and the WISDOM to know the difference.

    Good luck. I'd check in, but I always get the feeling that you really don't want to hear anything that may be new and different. And it takes time to warm up to a new way of thinking about life. We each hit our own rock bottom when we finally get so desperate that we do know we have to change our own way of doing things and thinking. Or we continue to suffer.

    We can make suggestions. The decision is always our own. We are the final judge of what we are going to do and how much we are going to put up with and why. The onus is on us.

    Hugs and lots and lots of warmth.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2014
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    It's ok. I don't really expect anyone to reply at this point. I guess I am just thankful I was able to vent somewhere. I'm going to pray real hard and hope an answer comes to me and for the love of God, something has to change. I just feel so powerless over every situation in my life. Powerless to have the people who mean the most to me, close to me and the ones who don't care, just away from me. But that can never happen. The only answer is to move back home. It's the only bit of salvation that I might have left. The song "run away, run away, run away if you want to survive" pops up into my head right now.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    GuideMe-I am sorry this is such a struggle for you. I haven't really been in your situation before. I have 25 nieces and nephews and 21 great-nieces and great-nephews. Some we are much closer to than others but we get along with all of them.

    Perhaps your middle nephew is a difficult child. I am always thankful that his aunts and uncles never treated him any differently than any of the other nieces and nephews because it would have been very easy for them to do so. Don't get me wrong-he gets corrected along with all of the other nieces and nephews but is very much accepted for who he is. on the other hand, we have never had any of our nieces or nephews be openly rude to us and if they were their parents wouldn't have put up with it. Plus we don't live near any family (except for one niece and her husband).

    I guess for your own well being, you will need to make the decision that you can most easily live with. If you decide to go, just realize that middle nephew isn't going to change at this point. Include him if he wants to be included but don't insist and play games with older nephew. If middle nephew is sitting on the sidelines and sees you and other nephew having fun he may want to join in. However, if you really feel so stressed that the holidays will be ruined if you go, then make the decision to stay. Be sure to send a gift (if that is what you usually would do) to all three and then stay home and enjoy the time with your difficult child. Your oldest nephew is 9, he will forgive you. Maybe you could invite him for a sleepover at another point when you can spend some quality time with him.

    Wishing you the best with whichever decision you decide. (((hugs)))
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was thinking the same thing Wiped Out said above, sounds like middle nephew is a difficult child.

    If you can't stomach being fake and putting on a show, don't go. It's not worth stressing yourself out. The problem with the holidays is that so many of us feel obligated to "Norman Rockwell" experiences that we subject ourselves to people we wouldn't normally give the time of day to and events that we are loath to attend.

    Children are forgiving and the excitement of Christmas will probably have your niece and nephew focused on their gifts and not who is there or who is not there. Visit with them after the holidays...

    If you decide to go, perhaps you go at a time when you won't be stuck at a table eating and having to converse. Go after the meal for dessert or before the meal for a quick visit and tell them you have other plans.....

    Make sure you always remember to count the blessings you have -- I always say a morning that finds me opening my eyes and putting my feet on the floor is a day to be thankful for.

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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning GM. That's a tough situation. One which is a bit complicated to unravel and determine the best course of action, especially with little kids involved........

    Going and attempting to deal with 4 difficult child's on a holiday seems like a tall order to me.......and although your nephew may be hurt, I agree with Wiped out that maybe a sleepover you can invite him to now or something you can do together would ease his disappointment. Even with kids, I have come to believe that we have to be true to ourselves, rather than show up and be unhappy. That models a healthy response to them as opposed to showing up and being the recipient of abuse.

    However, having said that, I can understand you wanting to go too. Perhaps recognizing that there really is no right or wrong here, it is simply what you yourself are willing to do. Can you go and take care of yourself? Can you enjoy yourself in the midst of so many difficult child's or will you be absolutely miserable? Maybe there is a way which will allow you to go and maintain your sense of self amidst the turmoil. Only you can determine that.

    I do think you should begin the planning of your exit to your hometown, that does sound like a good move for you to make when you feel the timing is right. Many moons ago I moved 3000 miles away from was a very difficult decision, and turned out to be the best decision I could have made. It sounds to me as if you're headed for a whole new life GM, one step at a time.......but you are clearly on your way........
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    GM, I wish I had some wisdom for you on this...I have to admit, my first reaction was, "He's SIX! You're letting a six-year-old get you this upset???" But it is clear that you really are very upset by him, so it must be worse than I can imagine. Truthfully, I haven't really had any experience with little kids being rude and mean. My son was always very polite to adults and in my family (my husband's actually, I don't really have any to speak of) if a kid were rude one of the many aunts or uncles if not mom or dad, would set him straight in a hurry!

    So I guess the best I have to offer is: If you go, do your best to ignore everyone and every thing that you don't want to deal with. If you don't go, I agree with the others, the older boy will forgive you. Send him a nice letter with his gift telling him you love him to pieces and hope to see him real soon.

    Could the little one be jealous of how much you love the older? Just a thought. Maybe he is just a brat.

    I hope you manage to come up with a solution and that your holiday is better than you expect. Hugs.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi GM,
    That's a tough one. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with this. It can be very draining to have to be "fake". I do it all the time with a couple of my in-laws, I really do not care for them and all they do is complain about everything. The sis-in-law just flat out doesn't like me which is fine with me as I do not require her acceptance or approval. The mom-in-law for the most part I get along with other than the fact she is extremely negative. One thing that helps me is after attending a dinner, or holiday with them is I take some quiet time just for myself. It gives me a chance to decompress and get myself centered again. Sometimes a bubble bath, sometimes a walk in the woods.
    Only you can decide just how much you can put up with.
    Hugs to you!!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    From one who used to think I was equal to the dirt on the bottom of somebody's shoes, I know it takes a certain sense of self-respect and self-worth to fight the demons in our lives. I could do it now if I had to (although I would NEVER choose it), but at one time, I always ended up in tears (the abusers probably LOVED it...I could see them smirking at one another as in "Yep, she's a nutcase.")

    If you feel good about yourself when you go, if you go, you will be able to just see the meanness for what it is and brush it off. I wouldn't let a six year old kid's comments bother me either. In fact, I'd probably correct his behavior since his parents don't seem to care if he is rude. However, I never thought of taking the older one on a sleepover afterward.Good idea, but don't be surprised if bro and sis-law nix it unless you take all three. They may do this, if they do, strictly out of their meanness. You have told us enough for us to have their number...they are mean to you. They are probably not nice to MOST peopjle, maybe even not to each other. The oldest child may be the one who sees his family for what it is and rises above it, but he will NOT be their favorite if he speaks out against their dysfunction. Poor kids, all of them.

    Seems like there is a lot of "no forgivenss" in your family, just like in mine. There isn't much you can do to make snitty, mean, rude people treat you decently so if you feel it will cause you to meltdown, as it did me, think about the cost of it. Write a list of pros and cons to going.

    GudeMe, your "peeps" (the word made me smile) are who cares about you. You can build your own family. Our families are who love us and treat us well, not who happen to randomly have the same DNA. I agree with RE. Get the hello out of Dodge. I also moved and it has been glorious. You can start building a brand new family there. If you go to church, and it sounds like you do, that is a marvelous place to meet a strong, caring support system. That's what you need and deserve, not your brother's six year old being allowed to treat you like trash. That says more about your brother and sister-in-law than it does about their son. He is simply mimicking them and is not being taught the right way to treat people.

    Hugs and more hugs.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2014
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Don't go. Plan something that works and is healthy for you. Invite difficult child and the kids over for a kids Christmas Eve. Something that includes popcorn, candy, a gift exchange, and kids movies. The 6 year old is something you can't change and honestly I would say you should just find a way to keep the peace with him. You can't give the other kids more without it becoming an issue.

    Send the kids home with the gifts for your brother and his girlfriend.
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I like the idea of having the kids come over to you home and perhaps the 6 year old being away from his own "comfort" zone just might behave a little different.
  14. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Great idea. I think that is most likely what I am going to do.

    Another great idea. This just becomes another problem because both oldest nephews parents are extremely controlling. Their lives are so complicated it's ridiculous. They each want to spend as much time with their son (being as though they have split custody) so they rarely allow him to go anywhere or with anyone else. I have huge problem with that because it's not fair to him and it's not fair to me. Only if they need babysitting which is where I of course came in

    Nope, not at all. Lil, I can lay my head down at night with a clear conscience regarding this issue because I went above and beyond for middle nephew for many years. In fact, there was a point where I would show way more attention to him than oldest nephew. I never, ever, treated them any differently. However, I guess the last straw finally broke the camels back recently and this goes into what MWM said
    My brother and sis are not nice to most people and they are like this with each other more than anyone else, which is why it creates such a toxic environment. They don't care who's around. Now people feel the same way about nephews which the oldest is very loved by everyone. ( A by note, oldest nephew really is as you can say, extremely handsome, popular, athletic, smart, kind and is the son everyone wants to have. He's the all american poster boy). Peeps have complained about the middle child. However, I can say with the same confidence that ALL of them tried their best to treat middle nephew and oldest nephew the same. When middle nephew was born and through his years, I was very impressed that my brothers circle of friends and piers treated middle nephew with the same love and regard that they did oldest nephew even though they were by different mothers. My middle nephew was very lucky and very blessed to have this, wouldn't you say? He got instant popularity with no questions. Not one person treated him differently and he too is very handsome, athletic, even smarter than oldest nephew. Middle nephew is extremely smart. The only difference is oldest nephew is kind and loving and middle nephew, for lack of better words, can be a mean little jerk. However, I have been hearing through the grapevine that some people already have been complaining about middle nephews behavior. So you're right MWM, it's just not me see's all of this, it just effects me the most because I am the blood relative. I can say with confidence that middle nephew is out-casting his own self with his own behavior and is just like his mother. Again I say, people went out of their way to treat my brothers new girlfriend and their son with the same love, same kindness and fodness like they did with my brothers first girlfriend and oldest son. I think more people are aware these days and what out of their way to make sure middle nephew felt loved, welcome and no different than oldest nephew.

    On a side note: This must be said. I don't know where or how this fits into the story but it does. Oldest nephew and middle nephew are ALWAYS in fierce competition with each other. It has gotten completely out of hand in my opinion. They get jealous over each other and that most smallest of things and make each other miserable. I think my brother chalked it up to "eh, brothers will be brothers", but at this point it has morphed into something else. I don't know how they got like this or where it came from, they are FIVE YEARS apart in age, but my god, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is a competition. You can't go spend time with them without hearing "I can do this BETTER than you. I got more and better awards than you. I got more black belts than you. I got more trophies than you. I can do this better, better, better than you!" or whatever it is they choose to argue about, every other minute! Oh and god for bid you are spending time with them, they will fight to the end for your attention and it's so not necessary because they both get loads of attention. I don't know where this come from! It's so ridiculous! To be honest, I think middle nephew started this whole thing. He loves to upset people and I use to catch him when he was younger torturing my oldest nephew like he does with me as well. As I said, middle nephew has a VERY high IQ. You would not think you were dealing with a little kid when dealing with him. He is beyond his years. He already is the smartest kid in his class and I predicted that a long time ago. Everyone tells me "wow, you were so right". The things middle nephew says would blow all of your minds. It's totally mind blowing how smart he is, how he can read you, how he can read a situation with such accuracy. He is using his powers for evil, lol lol. Had to make a funny.
    Yes, a lot of their behavior are having a direct impact on kids. This just dawned on me and I feel silly for not thinking of it before, maybe my brother puts so much emphasis on being the best, maybe he is making them feel like they are not going to be loved if they don't accomplish great things. <sigh> I could really choke my brother right now. My brother is all about that kind of stuff and the "I am better than all of you attitude" I am going to tell my nephews next time they go at it "I don't care how many awards, trophies, grades or karate belts you have. I love both of you regardless of all of that. You all could have nothing and be dumb as rocks, AND I would still LOVE you the SAME and EQUALLY"

    Oh yeah, they use to be hear ALL the time because I would babysit them while their parents worked. He did act better and there are a lot of times when he was really well behaved, I can't take that away from him.