I took difficult child to his intake appointment today for outpatient rehab. He was agitated on the way there and told me to note that he was being 'good', that he wasn't flipping out but couldn't wait to talk to the worker and have her tell him 'you don't need to be here, you're doing great! Run along, now!'. After an hour with him and 45 minutes with me, the intake worker told me he definitely needs the program at the 3x per week outpatient level, but that if he begins drinking or using again he would need a higher level of care, as she put it (they do have inpatient). difficult child told me on the way home that he refuses to go to the program, even though he signed papers agreeing to take part. He was especially angry that they do random drug/alcohol testing. So, once we were home, difficult child went and told husband about it all and about his refusal to go. I joined them just as husband was saying that he wouldn't look forward to having an orderly watch him take a whiz either, nor would he look forward to such a program ...!!! I pointed out that whether husband would look forward to the program is not the issue here. I pointed out a lot of things. But it all boiled down to the fact that difficult child knows he can refuse to go, and husband sympathizes. husband finally asked difficult child what we should do IF difficult child begins drinking again (the last episode was only a week ago). He told difficult child that a 'minor' infraction will mean a month's loss of World of Warcraft, and a 'major' infraction will mean three months' loss. I was beside myself. So husband then added that any infraction would mean difficult child would have to do the program after all. Now, I know absolutely, after several years' experience, that difficult child will start/continue drinking as soon as he thinks he can do it without us knowing. husband will have to follow through. I told him that he'd better be ready for plenty of justification, rationalization, and accusations from difficult child, because it won't be pretty and difficult child will not go to any program without a fight. But I'm floored that husband is so deep in denial. Or acceptance. Or whatever. I knew we weren't on the same page but thought we were, ha ha, in the same book. Apparently not. I'm so floored, so angry, I can't think straight. husband is working night shift. As always, there wasn't time to work things out properly because he had his shift to run to. I've left husband twice before. Both times the kids were furious with me (they were much younger). Now, my daughter lives in chronic fear that her family will split up. I can't do it to her. If not for her, I think I'd be gone. That's how angry and fed up I am.