selfishness or bipolar orrrrrrrr Both?

[CookieMomster]

I am having a "mommmy melt down"day...How the heck do we do this???????? I am absolutley at a LOW. my daughter is bipolar...I have done all the normal things we all do... set boundaries, enforce boundaries, nuture, take away privledges, give back privledges when I see fit....etc.
What I want to know is....IS SELFISHNESS a part of bipolar or is that a "spoiled child".
My story this time is: child goes to her fathers, calling me immediately on how unhappy she is..but she wants to stay cause she has a boyfriend there she might get to see. Meanwhile, her 5th cellphone this year breaks...and while she has no phone privledges I allow her to have the cell to call me in case of a "meltdown" since I am allegedly her safe one. So my son takes her my cellphone. While she is there she uses the phone unlimited to call everyone and their brother till all hours of the night. When I pick her up, she basically hated her time at dads and tells me all the things he said and did. We get home and I want my cell back... THATS WHERE THINGS GET BLURRED. she is angry cause now she wont have one for an emergency...etc. I am working on fixing hers (which i finally do)while she is melting down. I get her to go to her room finally... I go on to do other things (cause see, I do have other things to do besides deal with her constant ..I have another child, a house..etc). She comes up to me..I tell her that we can talk tomorrow that i have deadlines and she says ..I just need to tell you one thing...and you wont like it.... "i want to go and live with dad, cause i think that is the only way you and i are going to have a relationship...". I say okay. She says can I call my dad. Well earlier I had taken her phone privledge and I really didnt think at 9pm she needed to call her dad. I said no. She went and got the phone and I took it and told her she could call tomorrow. I am back working again..I hear her and my son fighting..she wants a phone to call..etc. I go in there and I am told she hates me, I am a liar, etc. I finally let her call her father, who of course isnt offering to come get her. Basically in his head this is all my fault, if he had got her in the divorce (you know that prize) she wouldnt be this way ..of course right now he aint saying that. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO HEAR I HATE YOU...BEFORE MY HEART JUST SOLIDIFIES AND I FEEL NOTHING? Truth is, my daughter wants to live with her father because of a boy...she is 13 by the way...she hates it there...and I really dont care anymore. But I cant force him to take her. So I am left here with a child that hates me and wants this wonderful father who doesnt want her on a fulltime basis. I am going to call the dr and see about upping her medications... maybe get her some relief from herself...but will the medications help>>> is what shes experiencing a symptom of bipolar or spoiled brat?
I dont like to say this..but after not sleeping all night... and thinking...my life would be so much easier to be the part time parent who only has to deal with this every other weekend (unless i can come up with good excuses like he does not to see her)...I might could have a life... BUT THE OTHER SIDE OF ME SAYS...i have built my life around my kids..I will miss her horribly...so...if you have something to say ..please say it... I could use something ..just not sure what.... I think a xanax or a valium would help...just kidding.

 

[April]

Wow, I don't think I have anything that can help, but I am praying for you! This isn't an easy life, and a warrior mom like you doesn't give up!

 

[DammitJanet]

Ugh...

I think you are dealing with two things. Bipolar and teenaged angst. She is manipulating and triangulating you and her father because of the divorce. This is the perfectly normal part of her. She is 13 and full of raging hormones! Of course she wants to live where there is some boy that she wants to be with.

No you dont let her go do that! Yes it would be easier but it would also be easier to send her to live with the traveling circus until she is 25 and grows some sense. I fully realize that parenting bipolar teens is like living in the 7th ring of hell. I only thank my lucky stars that my bipolar child was a boy and not a girl because I know what I was like and he would have been me all over again and I would have had to kill him...lol.

Get you both into therapy...individual and family. medications will help but they wont be the end all answer. You need a therapist to just listen while you dump all the junk that is going to come out of you for the next few years. It wont be easy but she will grow up.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree with-Janet.
She's doing the normal teenage angst thing and it's magnified with-the bipolar issues.
I would keep her at home with-me and set boundaries.
Good luck. Strength and clarity being sent your way.

:flower:

 

[BusynMember]

I think it sounds like typical teen combined with divorce. She has two parents she can play off one another. I wouldn't allow a thirteen year old have a boyfriend, but maybe it's her father's bright idea. At any rate, I don't think she's "spoiled." It sounds like she feels entitled. As one who raised three and has one at fourteen, I think it's kind of the age. The "I hate you" could be manipulative or divorce related (Dad vs. Mom).

 

[Hound dog]

She doesn't hate you. I swear she doesn't. It is a phrase meant to hurt spoken by a frustrated teen who isn't getting their way.

I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've heard that phrase, spoken as much from my easy child as my difficult children.

A female bipolar teen is NOT fun. Brace yourself, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

However, no way would I be shipping her off to Daddy. Odds are the only reason she wants to go there is because he allows her more freedom (probably lots more than she should have). in my opinion, that's not going to solve any problems but will most likely create even worse ones.

Continue to enforce house rules. Sounds to me like you're doing just fine. Don't let the I Hate You phrase get to you. It just means you're on the right track. Just like other typical teen phrases.... You're so Unreasonable!......You're so MEAN!......Come out of the Dark Ages!..... and many many more. lol

You'll both get thru this period. It does get better.

Hugs

 

[1905]

My teenagers hate me, everything I say and do is stupid, and in their eyes, I am a total idiot. These are my easy child kids by the way. My friends all have teenagers like this also. I'm sure that if husband and I were divorced, my kids would be giving us the same type of grief. Frankly, I don't let it bother me. I'm also the one who helps them, drives them, and I know they love me. It's a difficult age even if they're not a difficult child. My difficult child was a horror at that age, I don't know how I made it through without running away from home forever. Stay strong, it does end. 5 more years.-Alyssa

 

[CookieMomster]

FIRST YEAH..i was wounded by the I hate you. so. Next day: she calls home from school with a headache... yeah I am still in a hurt mood...so i tell her NO, i wont come get her. Suggest she call dad. LOLOLOLOLOL (okay I am not so nice)
I pick her up at school on the way to emergency dr visit....She still insists on wanting to live with dad..and asks me what she can take. of course she can take her stuff, but only her stuff nothing that her brother or i could use. I tell her all I am going to do...i am going to move my exercise machinery in your room (thats how it is right now at her fathers)...I will package up all your dolls and put them up in storage since you are not playing with them now and i dont want to risk someone selling them. Since your brother is going off to college I will probably go and stay with my friend 250 miles away...I am sorry I wont be able to get you every other weekend because I will be kinda busy... She gets good and angry... so we arrive at doctors office. He can see it...by the time we leave.. based on what she tells him he is asking her if she is crazy??? why would you want to live with him if he is that way and says this and that??? etc. Of course I got a few scoldings too... for one..when she used her manipulative "im sorry, do you accept it" thing I said "hmmmmm cant right now my heart is on overload"... dr said that was not nice. (of course he doesnt hear the freaking "im sorry" as many times as I do from her..she thinks that should fix it all). So he changed her medications..gave her some to help her sleep..and some for the anger/psychosis.... we went home got on jammies...and got in bed. we cuddled and snuggled and went to sleep.

At the doctors office..she knows what she has with mom... but we fight often (fight= i tell her what to do, when to do it, and ride her about homework etc) and she thought by going there it would help our relationship and help her to have one with her father. sounds good right??? so dig a little deeper and we find out... the father is taking his family to ski during spring break like he did two years ago and he took MY kids (his kids) although the spring breaks were not the same time and the kids missed a week of school..not a problem my kids make good grades. Now he is saying he wont take her this time because she would miss a week of school... the DR laughed..he asked her about her grades which are a's and b's...and he said..tell daddy i said its okay for you to miss a week. lol. Step brother got a car for his 14th birthday...... so..my typical 13 year old knows i cant do all this..and she wants to be apart of his family, and also get to do this stuff. anyway..i called the sperm donor later...and told him this and he informed me that she embarrassed him last time with her immature behavior ...SHE WAS 10..GIMME A DARN BREAK. he tells me all this garbage about what all she does that embarrasses him...like wearing flip flops to church last week... IF THAT IS ALL SHE DOES TO EMBARRASS YOU..YOU ARE DARN LUCKY...pick your battles..SHES YOUR KID..now i did all this in a nice tone..even if he did get defensive..i did mangage to calm him..and he doesnt know what bipolar is.. he has never researced it..even knowing his daughter is bipolar...he allows his new family to call her names like "stupid"...casue she act stupid...etc... I said "she could get disability if she was older" and i think that got his attention...he said she is not disabled..i said..YEAH SHE IS MENTALLY/EMOTIONALLY DISABLED...I think he might read up on it. I hope he learns about it..but i doubt he is going to step up and do anything since it might tarnish this new "appearance" think he must keep up. thats my story for now.