Should I be concerned?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jan 25, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Travis will be 23 in June. (wow)

    He has never had his first date. He has never had his first kiss. And from that you can conclude the other "he has nevers".

    I'm getting worried. His social arena is slim. It consists of family and work, and friends he keeps in contact with via the internet.

    He at least has had girls he has liked. And we've encouraged him to ask them out on dates.....offering to drive them where ever, stay in the background, or just drop off and pick up as needed.

    Nope. Nuthin. He did ask one girl, she turned him down due to distance and her parents.........and seriously, I don't think he's ever asked another girl.

    Travis has rather settled into the 12-13 yr old maturity slot. I suppose I should be happy as it was 7-8 yr and young several years ago. But I'm not seeing progression. There are things he can do, like hold down the job....and pay his bills when he remembers (library fines ect) that are "grown up". Sometimes he toys with the idea of college. But I'm seeing where I don't think it's going to ever get past the toying with it stage. That's about as "adult" as he gets.

    So, I dunno if this not dating thing is a social issue or the maturity issue or a combination of both.

    I admit that there is part of me that is happy I don't have to deal with the whole dating thing with a male child. Yet on the other hand, I know this is a normal part of development and it concerns me that he has yet to explore this area.

    I know there are alot of problems in this area for him. He doesn't realize when a girl likes him. Normal flirting zips right over his head. Subtle hints....forget it. Even outright suggestions from girls usually slide right past his social radar. So even with the girl being the "innitiator" it doesn't seem to help. And of course the flip side to this is he has trouble realizing when a girl isn't interested.

    Back in hs it took him 2 yrs to understand that a girl he was sweet on actually liked him back. lol Good thing they were friends as most females are not gonna wait around that long. But even that wained because Travis never did get around to asking her out and she moved on. They're still friends, but she's married with a child.

    So, yeah. It worries me. I don't think there is anything I can actually do about it. If you know what I mean. But still, I worry. And I fear that the longer this aspect of his social life is delayed, the harder it will be for him. Or that maybe he never will explore it at all.

    Probably just being a worry wart. But just getting him to socialize period is a major challenge. sigh
  2. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    It probably is a combination issue, both social and maturity ... the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) changes so much about how a person perceives and relates to others. Some of the books on Asperger's address this issue. Quite a few adult Aspies (and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) people, I expect) choose not to attempt intimate long-term relationships because of their social difficulties. Others do, and have successful relationships. But when you think of the more recent research findings that more people report themselves as 'asexual' than as gay within the population, asexual meaning truly not interested and not just temporarily, perhaps unwillingly, celibate, it's not that unusual to know someone who isn't looking for an intimate relationship.

    Does Travis seem to want a relationship or be unhappy at not being in one? Or does he seem content?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) son told me he's not interested in a girlfriend (too much trouble) or ever getting married. I think with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids there is a different kind of normal. I personally don't sweat over it. If he does, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. As long as he's happy, I don't care if he does the so-called "normal" things. I'm not convinced that "normal" things would ever make him happy, and I can see him wanting to live alone or with a roomie who is also quiet. My friend's Aspie son got married by meeting somebody on the internet. If they are motivated, there are ways. If they aren't, we can't do anything to force it. JMO
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katya, yes so far Travis seems content with the statis quo. And MWM you made some very good points. I guess maybe I'm worried because I dunno if I should be helping to ease him into this area of socialization or just leave him be. And of course if I'm supposed to be "helping" I haven't a clue how. lol

    I guess this one the boy is going to have to do on his own, either way he decides to jump. Or maybe I just needed to know there are other PDDers with the same issues.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Daisy, I'm thinking a wife and noisy kids would drive my son He can barely stand our barking dogs. He has his different type of "normal" and that's ok with me ;)
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, to be probably would Travis too. He can enjoy his neices and nephews in spells, but other times they send him straight to his room. lol
  7. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Daisy, unless he socializes with groups of peers he will never know what he wants or doesn't want in terms of adult relationships. The playing field is not level if he is interacting with those at a higher functioning and those with lower functioning abilities.

    If two people with disabilities can manage a functional relationship and home there is no reason they can not love and live a life that is full and rich for them. Heck they may be better able to interact with a significant other than many N/T folks.

    I saw whole dorm of difficult child's interact for 3 yrs. It was so refreshingly normal. There was dating, flirting, friends, activities on their level but just as valid as any other young adult group. Not everyone had girlfriends or boyfriends but there were a high percentage of them. Many were nothing more than eating in the cafeteria together but there were a significant serious relationships. 2 marriages and 2 babies at last count. The best thing to come out of that experience was difficult child having the confidence to know he fit in and he belonged. He has made life long friends. He was not invisible and was a leader in his own little world. It's pretty heady stuff for my difficult child.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My oldest is almost 28 and has gone on very few dates and is a member of the never been* club.

    I dont know what is gonna change that.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, my 27 year old nephew has had two girlfriends in his life. One in HS and one more recently. He doesn't like having a girlfriend. He doesn't like the responsibility and all the social events that go along with having a 'significant other'. For the longest time I thought he was either gay and not ready to tell anyone or just clueless. Turns out he's clueless and doesn't want to do anything about it. Which is okay.

    Being an outsider looking in, I can see how his two relationships worked on a very adolescent level. He never wanted to move past the 'hanging out' stage and he always prefers to stay home rather than go out with them. And if he forces himself to, he is miserable.

    He says he has no desire to get married and he still has only a twin sized bed in his apt so his girlfriend can't stay over! He prefers his own space.

    We may find it off, but it works for him I guess. My H says it is just who he is and we need to let him move at his own pace.
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Is Travis even able to meet young ladies his age? I know with many young people his age, that often if they are not in the party scene, there isn't a lot of social interactions. Is any where he can go to meet young ladies outside of the workplace? It could be that he just hasn't had to opportunities to interact on a social level since he left high school.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    EW Travis will not socialize outside of the work place. I've tried. He just won't. sister in law does manage to get him to hang out with him and his friends and brothers on occasion.....but that took alot of coaxing and work on sister in law's part......and alot of explaining to his friends and brothers. Now Travis does really enjoy it. But too much of it and he starts to decline invitations. But sister in law can get Travis to hang with just him more often.

    He does go to the library reg, and will go watch movies. That's it.

    He doesn't express a desire to date or anything of the sort. So, maybe it's just too socially demanding of him right now? At least I know he's not alone in this.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    What about searching for a group that goes to movies. With the internet there all sorts of social groups. Find one that is his particular interest. difficult child is on line with comic book lovers. easy child is on a wife fan forum etc. At least he can have some socialization and interest with other people.
    If he is happy alone then maybe that's the way it will be for him. For now.
    I know that watching groups of like abled young adults didn't show me that they wanted to be isolated.
    Maybe Travis will prefer it.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Fran, I could be wrong, but I don't think he wants to be isolated per se, I think the social demand gets to be too much so he backs away from it. He does have several social groups online he is active in everyday. He actually runs several websites for them with anime and such. It seems to be the face to face thing he has the real problems with.

    I know he does well at work because all of the employees really like him. (just as they did at walmart, and still do) He had to call off one day because I couldn't drive him and his line manager came to bring him to work. Only one who doesn't like him is the store manager.

    But when he gets home from work he retreats to his room for hours, sort of like to recharge. School used to do the same thing.
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Not to be flip but I wish my difficult child 2 would have less interest in girls. He really seems to go downhill when involved with a girl because he cannot really figure it out beyond the sex. I think that puts alot of stress on him and he falls into his old habits when the bloom of the new relationship is fading. I find myself cringing whenever he has a new girlfriend because the backslide usually follows. In addition he doesn't use protection which we have encouraged over and over again. We are fortunate that there are no babies from the many "relationships" he has been involved in.

    In contrast easy child 2 has had a couple of dates but he really isn't all that interested in girls and has "known" since he was a very little boy that he does not want to be a husband or father. He has friends and he socializes to a certain degree at work and at the neighboorhood pub. Beyond that he has no interest but he seems OK so I just let it be. His sisters and I always say that he is a sweet guy but that it would take a "special" kind of woman to accept the kind of relationship easy child 2 could manage.