The Cheese Stands Alone (my vent-apologies in advance)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, May 14, 2011.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I keep thinking lately of that kids song, The Cheese Stands Alone. I just need to vent. In general I'm just so OVER people. Not ALL people. But more people than not. Ugh!

    So I was made painfully aware during my recent issues dealing with police following my bio fathers confession to me about his 40+ year of terrorizing via sexual abuses, that people cannot often be relied upon to be there for me when the chips are down. Didn't have anyone step up to attend my police interview as a support, the phone didn't ring (and still hasn't) with inquiries of how it went, or even just to say "thinking of you" or any of that type of thing. The very women who sought me out at this later stage of my life to know me for the first time, the "family" who suddenly wanted me in the bosom of the folds, the women who wanted to appease their guilty feelings for not speaking up when I was a teen and attempted to charge this monster we share DNA with. The women who wanted to commiserate with me and share their own experiences with me so that THEY would not feel alone. They got what they wanted. I gave them a need to not forgive themselves as I didn't judge them for not coming forward to my support all those years ago. I gave them a understanding compassionate ear and shoulder to unburden their stories of abuse. I listened to them tell their horror stories of their brother, who is my father, them knowing it is so hard for me to hear more and more "tales from the crypt" about my so called "parent". Their need to unload personally was met with my response of understanding etc. I am not bitter or angry at being their for them. I am however gutted that now that it is all on the table, I'm standing alone. No calls, no positive messages even via email. Nothing. One of the aunts friend my father on facebook. Can you all believe that? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Needless to say, I have one remaining aunt on my online social networks. The others are blocked. I'm done with them and from here on out they can find a therapist if they want that listening ear again.

    Yesterday was my S/O's convocation ceremony. Some of you may remember several years ago at his other convocation ceremony, his drug addicted sister destroyed the day systematically. Well this ceremony was a much bigger one as the program was so much harder and so important to my S/O. He has worked so hard, I am so proud of him. Planned this big party for following the ceremony. Booked a party room downtown. Spent a ton of money (we can ill afford but it was his special day and I was determined to celebrate in a fitting way) on food, decorations, designer cake etc. It has been planned for over 2 months and guest list was confirmed.

    THursday night quite late, after 10p.m. I called my mother in law to discuss what time she was arriving with S/O's brother, his aunts etc. They were to be making the 1 1/2 hour trip to town for the ceremony. I had some questions about how to transport everyone to and from the campus, to the party, transporting food etc. Well, she had no intention of calling until Friday morning (ceremony was in the afternoon) so its good I called to ask about how many empty spots were available in their vehicles. Because none of them were coming! NOT A SINGLE PERSON from his family. NONE. Now it is common in the north here to travel that type of distance for visiting. Heck its 45 minutes each way for S/O's brother to visit their mother, and he does it nearly daily without a blink. Part of living in a vastly spread out region. Anyhow, so nobody was coming. Lamest excuses. His brother had been working on his roof all week, hurt his back so wasn't driving here. So mother in law couldn't come because she doesn't like to drive at night and it would be late for driving home. I offered to pay for a hotel for her and S/O's aunts etc. No, she didn't want her cat to be alone overnight. I offered to contact some of the aunts to see if any would be willing to be the driver. I was asked not to because it would seem "weak" of mother in law to not want the responsability to drive. Well it went on and on. So there went 3/4's of our guest list. I guess the OTHER cars of guests decided if mother in law wasn't going to her own sons convocation there was no point in them making the trip either?

    Then people on my end backed out. In the end, we never bothered with the party room I booked. No point in the hassle of transporting food and decorations, etc. It was just S/O and I along with easy child. My cousin and her teen son. That's it. My aunt (my mothers side, not the above listed aunts) is aging and quite ill so did not attend the ceremony. SHe simply would never have lasted through sitting for 3 hours, we understood absolutely. She did however drive over to join us for our meal afterward and spent several hours.

    It was a lovely day in many ways. S/O was so absurdly handsome in formal clothes wearing his cap/gown. There was ceremonial drumming and chanting/singing my a native performer. (We live in a area with many native reserves, being native myself the drumming/singing was a beautiful and poignant touch) There was a nice reception afterward on site. Imagine my surprise that parents of some students attended convocation after traveling internationally to be here. Parents from the UK, Jordan, Iraq, China. (3/4's of the students come here for this aviation program from other countries) Yet nobody in S/O's family could attend from a hop skip and jump away.

    This morning mother in law phoned. S/O was still sleeping. Imagine my shock today. Yesterday nobody could come because S/O's brother was so bad off he contemplated going to ER where he feared he would admitted. This morning, mother in law is calling to speak to S/O to tell us that his brother is already on the highway heading here. That he wants S/O to go with him when he arrives to help him move his stepson out of university residence into a apartment in town here. So brother today is replacing a costly moving company and going to be moving stepson and 2 other friends into a new apartment? What happened to such bad injuries he feared admission to a hospital bed because it was so bad? And then mother in law wanted minute details about S/O's ceremony, however she was busy multi tasking and not listening to the details anyhow. I play nice with in laws and normally actually enjoy them in their own right. But I am so sick of S/O being let down time and again yet always he rises to occassion for each of them. This is the same mother in law enabling sister in law into a early grave from drug abuse. The same mother in law who travels 10 hours away to sister in law's house to wipe her sweating brow when she "detoxes" but it never lasts more than 12 hours of the withdrawls before mother in law is then just a babysitter for sister in law's difficult child brat nightmare of a teen son because sister in law is off to her drug dealers house for her fix. Yet S/O has a milestone moment, and not a single one can arrive? My tongue is hurting from how hard I bit it on the phone with mother in law.

    S/O is awake, I summarized the call (just said his bro was on his way to move the boys and was going to arrive to pick him up to help with the move). His eyes flashed angry, so rare for my S/O. Then he appeared composed and said he is not surprised he wasn't asked in advance. Because if he had been, they would have had no excuse yesterday for not being there again. He then asked if front door was locked. I said yes, we hadn't had need to unlock it since waking this morning. He told me to just ignore the door today because he's fed up of being the one they assume is always there for their stuff but who can't depend on them for being there for anything for him.

    I guess this Cheese doesn't stand alone. I'm blessed having my S/O by my side. I think I'll change the lyrics to the Two Cheeses stand Alone.

    What is wrong with people these days? When did so much of our world become so self absorbed and narcisistic?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I HATE to hear that your family, all those women who didn't protect you from their abuse, have now left you alone to fight the legal fight. Some people are just sick and it is often better to excise them from your life like you would a cancerous mole. They are sick, sick, sick sick people and do NOT deserve to even know you, much less to call you family.

    I am very proud of your SO. He is an AWESOME person, and has impressed me over and over through the years as he has shared your life. His family? Not worthy of the name. How DARE they expect him to spend an entire day helping move someone when not one of them could even drive a half hour to see him graduate? I guess with-o the druggie there to cause problems it wasn't dramatic enough to be worth their time. I am sorry to say this, but I bet you had a better time with-o them than youwould with them. I also think that cutting the druggie out of your life is one of their justifications for not being there.

    I am proud that SO refused to answer the door to them. in my opinion he needs to spend about six months or more not being there when they want him to be. If they cannot be there at such an important time, esp knowing you have rented a room and prepared a ton of food to feed them, well, they do not deserve to see him much less to have his help. After that time if they are willing to do for him then they may get rewarded with his presence. Until then, block their phone numbers or let the machine pick up. Just don't answer and don't call them back. If they show up to pick him up to help them, well, he has other plans. He is going to help his old friend Susie and cannot get out of it. With what? Whatever. Then the two of you go and have fun doing something.

    families can hurt you more than anyone else at any time. Such a strange thing, and so sad. no one else in the world would dare to treat you that way and tehn be upset when you refused to tolerate it. It is time to start building a family of friends that you care about and can count on and trust. I know how it hurts.
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thanks for understanding Susie. And thank you for such a nice perspective of my S/O. I'm so incredibly proud of him, of who innately is as a human being, by his personal growth over the past 7 years together. I've watched him beat alcoholism, watched him change from a man lacking confidence to a man who can address a room with authority and gain respect in doing so. I've watched him accomplish 2 degrees, hold a good position with a great company (who want him back by the way, despite his new career path). I've watched him change from such insecurity he could behave controlling and with jealousy (which never sat well with him but was his coping mechanism), to a free spirit who is always there for me in incredible ways and wants nothing more for me than for me to be happy and free spirited as well. He is so unassuming. He doesn't toot his own horn. He works so hard and doesn't back down from struggles, he'd do anything for anybody. I'm just full to bursting with pride in him as a man, a mans man so to speak. I guess it hurts so much more to not see his family rally around in his accomplishments, but they'd always be there to pooh pooh his major mistakes when he was drinking and destroying his life. You hit a nerve with me when you said perhaps not enough drama without drug addict sis around for the occasion. It so often feels as if his family smother those in a pit of their own making, yet are incapable of sharing the good times. I do think it is hard for them to see him as this improved version of himself.
  4. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I, too, am sorry you are having to put up with all of this and proud of your SO for standing with you. I learned long ago and have made it my personal mantra: I can't control anybody else; I can only control my reactions to them. When people treat you badly, it sukks but you can't change them. They are who they are. It especially hurts when they are people who we feel should be there for us but, again, you can't control them. You can respond in kind but that is lowering yourself to their level. You can sit around and stew about it but that accomplishes nothing. Sometimes there comes a point where you just have to write them off and get on with your life. Hopefully, with SO's help, you are on the way to doing that.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Getting much better at it. It's been a process. Our world shrinks lately it seems. We are not in touch with his sis and brother in law, my mother and brother, and now these aunts. For exactly as you stated, needing to get on with our lives. I do my best to not stew, but it usually stings for a day or two. Most especially in regards to my protective nature regarding my S/O lol. The aunts I refer to, it's a bit of a struggle to just let it all go. It isn't eating me the way things would have in times past, but I do know I've got more work to do in order to let these things not affect me at all when they happen. I am so fortunate to have S/O in my corner. I also do have a select group of friends where our relationships are reciprocal and my family is so small but the few I do have in our lives are there because these relationships too are reciprocal. By no means perfect but we are all invested in being part of one anothers lives, and that is important to me. They are worth their weight in gold.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I wish more people had your strength and generosity of heart. It would be a beautiful world.
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I always loved the Monteray Jack and Colby Cheese mix -2 is better than one! Good on you both. Hopefully the only door mat his family stands on is the one at your front door, and may the door hit them in the you know what! As for your selfish Aunts,what would be wrong with telling them how it has hurt you? Sometimes it is better to just stay away on the other hand-it just creates more hurt.

    I'm sorry cause m,an this hurts. We long ago split from much of our families. We decided we were not going to raise our kids like we were raised and we didn't like the "pecking order" in either family. My husband was the "black chicken" and I was the "college chicken" (only one at that time to have graduated from college creating much jeolous teasing.) Couldn't get anything to change about how we were treated as kids. We were not going to accept that anymore as adults.

    I bet your S/O was the one that everyone could rely on and that is why noone feels compelled to support him. Everyone is still geared into drama and trauma support.

    The world is not fair and people can stink. Not everyone. You two build your family around friends you trust. That has helped us. Hugs
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    You can tell him we're proud of him for his graduation AND for not answering the door! I do wonder if some of those women are afraid of charges being levied on them for NOT protecting you when they knew how he was, but it doesn't excuse their behavior. *hugs* to y'all and we're proud of you for following through. How are you holding up from it all?
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    So proud of your husband for his graduation.

    As for the whole police/molestation deal.........went through that with my own family 20 some odd years ago. Oddly, I had one sis stand with me, the sis who's son was the guilty party. When the incident I was having investigated brought up past abuse.......I stood alone. Even sis who stood with me over her son backed down from that one. I didn't back down. There was no investigation for the childhood abuse. I saw no reason. BUT dang it to hades and back, yes the truth hurts, but it's still the truth!

    I will never be close to my family due to that. Maybe I'm too harsh......but no, I don't think so. Whenever the chips were down, and even when I was a kid, I was always there for them in the face of anything. It was never returned. Never. My one sis.........has since been pulled into their vortex of self absorption and drama. So for the past 7 or more years I've kept a distance between us as well.

    It hurts when people let you down. It cuts like a knife when family let's you down.

    I was wanting to ask how the whole deal with the police was going, but wasn't sure you were up to talking about it yet. I know how hellish it can tend to be and didn't want to push.

  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm very proud of your SO as well, for his graduation and his defense of you.
  11. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thank you all again. It is nice to know that out there in the internet abyss there is a great group of people who get it all.

    S/O is relaxing today. I was pretty down for the count physically today after a couple of hectic busy days in a row. I napped from 5-10p.m. lol. S/O joined me and now we're both up bright eyed just when we should be turning in haha. He'll be putting his resume out to a few aviation companies here in town this week. I'm hopeful for him, gosh I hope they are hiring! Otherwise, he has a job waiting at his former company that he was previously laid off from. He was called back just months into starting this program but he decided to stick with the course because it was paid for, interesting and more what he wants for himself than his last job. But at least we know that job is in the wings, so he won't be unemployed long. Important now that his funding is done for school, which included a "training allowance" to replace lost earnings. It's all on me and my small income right now, not that it matters, we know how to be frugal lol. But we have plans, big plans, a 2 year plan actually with strict dates for completing certain things in time to move away in 2 years time. I would love to seem working in the aviation field after all of his hard work :).

    As for the police situation. I'm doing okay. The detective followed up with me the day afterward, called to ask how I was doing since it isn't easy etc. I thought that was nice. He did ask for some additional contact information for a few women which I provided. One was my cousin here in town, and they have yet to contact her. He also told me that this past week I would be hearing from the police in the town I was living in as a teen when this occurred, to set up a meeting with them. I however did not hear from anyone, which probably doesn't mean much, but I'll be glad to just know when they want to meet and get it done and over with and perhaps have a better idea of where this is all going. That is the part I find a struggle, it's like a bit of limbo just waiting to see who will step up when the police go knocking, and what might happen legally to him. I'm doing good not dwelling on it. Luckily there are major things like S/O completing his program, to focus on. easy child's birthday is coming up so planning that. Also dreaming of the wedding, although we have a year and half to plan it, it is a good distraction and way to inject some fun into each day. S/O and I have talked a lot about what we'd like etc. It is helping keep the thoughts at bay. Thank you for asking. The hardest part was easy child knowing stuff was going on, being confused, and at the age she was brave enough to ask questions. Spent a emotional few hours last week with her as she asked questions. Tried to keep it age appropriate, but she had a hard time comprehending a grandfather who is abusive but worst for her was knowing things happened to her mom (I kept it light, vague, no details, at one point blatantly lied when she asked if a certain particular thing had happened). The conversation in the end though helped her understand a bit of the things she's noticed lately and she seems good with things now. For that I'm glad. Nothing worse than a child knowing big things are happening and imagining things much scarier than what is really happening. I'm glad she asked rather than let her imagination run wild.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    First off?

    You were NOT alone. So as far as having family stand with you in court? YOU stand corrected. You had a multitude of the people who actually do give a rats patootie in there with you, who have been there with you, and who really do care about the outcome and were there for you waiting when it was all over. Family isn't necessarily the people that you have seen all your life - it's the people that actually give a **** about you, send you a note now and then, really do care what happens to you, stand beside you and really DID think about you all day while you were in court, and send you a Christmas card with feeling and love. I'm sure of that. The rest of them? (shrug) meah -

    Congratulations to your son. What an accomplishment. I'm very proud of him! (wipes tear) Word...I'm so old. (sniff)....scrapes bottom of pocket book for tissue. Bother OH candy!! blech - fuzz.

    And going back to 'family' I gotta go with Susie* on this one - You were really better off without em. Why do people get so upset when people don't show up anyway? I mean if they wanted to show up? They would have made the effort. They didn't - so that speaks VOLUMES about their committment to you and YOUR feelings - so now you know how it would have gone had they been FORCED to come. So yeah - they were better off NOT coming. And this - next day moving business with an ER ready bad back? WOW......WOW....Seriously? I wouldn't lock the door S/O......I'd invite him in- get the guy a beer - and then as I was walking out the door? I'd grab my library card, my keys and then say - "OH did I say I'd help you move? MY BAD.....I meant to tell you- my backs too bad to help move - ANYONE." then I'd get in my car doing cartwheels all the way there; and drive off."

    But you've got a certain class that must be whats that French Canadian word for classy? Sounds like Genesee Cross? lol.
  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Star, you always strike the right note. Thanks lol
  14. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    MM, all I can say is the two of you handled the entire situation with the grace and poise of royalty! Beautifully done! You should be proud!

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Darlin' I'm hopin that note is..........B sharp. (aahaha hahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahaah Ohhhhh hohohoo I can't breath I can't breath..........) I kill me......snort.

    You are very welcome.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Star, whatever the note is, we all know that with you around it won't be flat!! Cause you are one of the sharpest women in the world!!! Coolest too!
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911