My life:
I don't share this too often, no particular reason - or maybe it's that I've moved on from that point in time.
I was battered emotionally, mentally, physically to include numerous torturous events and at the least verbally abused to the point of loosing my self esteem, not talking, and being controlled in every aspect of my life. My story is not worse or less than anyone else suffering any form of abuse. It's just my past. So don't compare or think anyone should ever compare their misery to yours. You owned it, you lived it. It's yours.
When I left my ex - I was nearly killed, but got out, took my son and what I could fit in a van. I left. EVERYONE HATED ME TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. That was hard. Because I had fallen into the thought process that I had no idea what was best for me. THEY knew - and as controlling people? They would always make the outcome SEEM like THEY knew and TOLD me exactly what they had told me - came true. Making themselves look fantastic and all knowing and making me feel like a total idiot, which I am not. I'm quite brilliant.
So surrounded by all these people who told me I wasn't worth ****e, but depended on me for so many things without me even knowing - i made up my mind to leave. I had gotten to the point where I didn't care if I lived or died by his hands, I just WANTED OUT. Out of life, out of there, out of that situation. So I made up my mind despite ALL the naysayers and "Oh honey you should go back to him, he's a good man he'll be okay, he just has problems, or A good wife would stand by her man through whatever God gave them to handle, or I can't believe you would leave him and do this to your son or what my Mother told me - that made the most impact.....when I called after I had gotten out......?
I called her from a payphone to tell her that I really was out, I wasn't going back and I would NEVER go back. Instead of telling me I was right or wrong - she said "For the first time in 13 years, I'll sleep." That was all I needed to know and never have talked to him since. Not once.
When I got to where I thought I could live in hiding? I had my son, a few dollars, a stolen van x had given me, a dog, a turtle and whatever I shoved in the back in a hurry. DV shelters will usually tell you how to get out and get important stuff, maybe some pictures if you are lucky - so you have to rehearse and you have 10 minutes to get it all. THAT is it. And I did it.
So there we are - living in my van. I had stayed one night with a friend, and x called and threatened them in such a haneous way they didn't know what to think and asked us to leave. So we did.
I found out later - he had charged $40k to "our" credit. He had women pose as me, sign my name for vehicles, and utilities, clothes, beautiful furniture - you name it him and this woman had a ball on my name. In order to take him to court? I had to come out of hiding. Wasn't worth the risk. So I left it go, paid off what I could - Filed taxes - and fainted in the IRS office - for 10 years - this man this jerk -who worked on and off here and there - signed my name to IRS checks that I worked 3 jobs to have a little something - and NEVER not once did he give me a dime. Instead - his Mom did our taxes, and he got the cash and split it with her. But for the last few years - He owed the IRS over $42k. for jobs he did under a subcontractor status.......My thought???? If he OWED that much WHERE THE HECK WAS MONEY FOR ME? And I settled with the IRS for 1/2 - under the innocent spouse relief act.
I worked 3 jobs on and off, dealt with my son, got him help. Saved money for a car, (still have it by the way), eventually bought a house ON MY OWN CREDIT after paying off what I could. And now I have a house full of junk. Too much actually.
But in looking back - I'm not remorseful of NOT listening to ANYONE. I sleep at night, I dont' worry is he coming home tonight, is he out with a woman, a bottle, crack. Is he goign to come home in the middle of the night and beat me 1/2 to death over $20.00 I have hidden for formula and diapers for a baby? Is he going to choke me until i pass out and then say he was drinking and have all his family tell me he's sorry? NOPE.
I'm going to bed, IN my OWN HOUSE, in my OWN ROOM, that if I wanted to drag everything I own out in the lawn and set it on fire I could and NO ONE would say a thing - (except the fire man if it's a red zone day without a permit) but Know what I mean?? IT'S MINE -
AND once I was ready in my head to NOT pick a looser for a mate - I got one. And he treats me verbally, mentally, emotionally like a queen.
I'm living proof - it can be done. It's not easy. I had NO ONE. But I lived to tell about it, and I'm here to tell you maybe .......years later - YOU CAN BE HAPPY without the drama, chaos and guilt. Yup - I had guilt too. But once I got into therapy and started really allowing someone to pick him apart (for that was tabu) it REALLY helped me to see that I am worth MORE than ANYONE gives me credit for. And I'm worth a quiet night in my own home, and I can do it. And so can you.
I'm not pro divorce either - I'm for working it out together - but the key words there are working together - and he's not done his part and probably won't. If he does later ? Great - good for him, we all hope he finds sobriety and religion. But in the mean time - get on with your life while you have your looks and smarts and treat yourself well.
Kapishe? Kapeeshe? (spell that for me it sounds like KAH PEE SHHHHHH)
understand?
Hugs & Love
Star