20 year old daughter and newborn baby kicked out
- Thread starter SRJD
- Start date
Freedom08
Member
Wow, you did really well!. I'm afraid I don't have many words of wisdom as I'm new on this path but wanted to offer hugs. Hold on to the feeling of a peaceful home. It is priceless. And yes, I would have many more babies but handling teens and adults is a whole different ballgame. I thought the baby toddler years were hard. HAHA!!
SRJD
New Member
My heart hurts but so does my head... as I read all the posts from parents.. I wonder how could these bundles of joy turn into terrors and I am realizing that I too knew everything at one time.. I just was different about it and that obsession about boyfriends or girlfriends can ruin your life.. and how children are so entitled now??.. I dont remember reading stories in a book from over 100 years ago about kids doing stuff like this.. I am rambling.. maybe because I am hurting.. I am just so thankful for this website.. it Really!!.. has helped me.. so thank you!!
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi SRJD. It is hard being the tough Mom/Grandma. Your situation sounds so similar to mine, except that you have twin girls having babies within weeks of each other? One is extremely disrespectful and one borderline? Double, no quadruple ouch. Now you are worrying for them and your grandbabies.
I will tell you a bit more of our story. Being that my daughter was just 15, we had to deal with her situation and the baby. We tried, stumbled, fell, extended help, there are just so many variables and layers of intense feelings and scenarios wrapped up in young, disrespectful, biological parents, "baby makers." They are still too young to grasp the concept of being responsible for themselves, then here is this little bundle they have to care for. Top that off with a very dysfunctional relationship. What a hellish ride.
Of course we love our grandchildren.
It is extremely stressful to deal with parents not ready to care for babies.Once the novelty wore off, we were faced with two people who resented the consequences of the choice (mistake) they made to become parents at a young age. They are still stuck in that mode, wanting to recapture their lost teenaged lives. I am sure there are young folks out there who manned up to the job and turned their lives around. My daughter strapped with three children at 20, went through a series of breakups, breakdowns, tangled with CPS, which the end result was my husband and I cared for the children while their parents went to rehab and counseling. We also had to attend meetings with the family, with the purpose of reuniting the children with their parents. We got no help from agencies, we drained our savings. This sort of thing dragged on for years. The childrens' father would come to our house and start arguments with my daughter. He would scoop up one of the babies defiantly and scream, "If you won't be with me you will never see the kids again." My daughter would take off running in hot pursuit down the road, crying and pleading with him. I would call 911 and head down in the car, a huge lump in my throat, heart pounding. The police would come and do nothing, because he was the father. My daughter would turn on me and say "Why did you do that? You are only making things worse."
Talk about confusing! She wanted my help, she didn't want my help, it was a crazy, crazy ordeal.
There are many more sad stories woven in with fleeting moments of hope, usually after rehab and counseling, where the focus was on getting their kids back, and routine testing forced them to remain clean.
Retrospect is a wonderful thing. Looking back, my responses would have been much different.
I am not telling you what to do SRJD, just sharing with you so you will weave a quilt of knowledge from the experience of others, and make informed decisions.
We had to fly by the seat of our pants. The very nature of people striving after a high is to live in frenzy. This chaotic whirlwind took over 11 years of our lives. Coming, going. Heartache after heartache.
With all of this under our belt, this is what I would have done if I could turn back the hands of time. I would have told my daughter to go to a shelter. We interfered with her chances to wake up to her responsibility by allowing her to go through the revolving door.
Picturing that little baby, it can seem like a heartless thing. But, that little baby needs a mother. The sooner her mother realizes that, the better. She may, or may not realize it under your roof. Seems the latter is more likely, due to your daughters disrespect for you.
So my dear, that is what I have to say for tonight. I so feel for you. It is a tough, tough deal.
I had my first child at 20 with my hubby. We were young, but we managed, because we had to.
((hugs))
I will tell you a bit more of our story. Being that my daughter was just 15, we had to deal with her situation and the baby. We tried, stumbled, fell, extended help, there are just so many variables and layers of intense feelings and scenarios wrapped up in young, disrespectful, biological parents, "baby makers." They are still too young to grasp the concept of being responsible for themselves, then here is this little bundle they have to care for. Top that off with a very dysfunctional relationship. What a hellish ride.
Of course we love our grandchildren.
It is extremely stressful to deal with parents not ready to care for babies.Once the novelty wore off, we were faced with two people who resented the consequences of the choice (mistake) they made to become parents at a young age. They are still stuck in that mode, wanting to recapture their lost teenaged lives. I am sure there are young folks out there who manned up to the job and turned their lives around. My daughter strapped with three children at 20, went through a series of breakups, breakdowns, tangled with CPS, which the end result was my husband and I cared for the children while their parents went to rehab and counseling. We also had to attend meetings with the family, with the purpose of reuniting the children with their parents. We got no help from agencies, we drained our savings. This sort of thing dragged on for years. The childrens' father would come to our house and start arguments with my daughter. He would scoop up one of the babies defiantly and scream, "If you won't be with me you will never see the kids again." My daughter would take off running in hot pursuit down the road, crying and pleading with him. I would call 911 and head down in the car, a huge lump in my throat, heart pounding. The police would come and do nothing, because he was the father. My daughter would turn on me and say "Why did you do that? You are only making things worse."
Talk about confusing! She wanted my help, she didn't want my help, it was a crazy, crazy ordeal.
There are many more sad stories woven in with fleeting moments of hope, usually after rehab and counseling, where the focus was on getting their kids back, and routine testing forced them to remain clean.
Retrospect is a wonderful thing. Looking back, my responses would have been much different.
I am not telling you what to do SRJD, just sharing with you so you will weave a quilt of knowledge from the experience of others, and make informed decisions.
We had to fly by the seat of our pants. The very nature of people striving after a high is to live in frenzy. This chaotic whirlwind took over 11 years of our lives. Coming, going. Heartache after heartache.
With all of this under our belt, this is what I would have done if I could turn back the hands of time. I would have told my daughter to go to a shelter. We interfered with her chances to wake up to her responsibility by allowing her to go through the revolving door.
Picturing that little baby, it can seem like a heartless thing. But, that little baby needs a mother. The sooner her mother realizes that, the better. She may, or may not realize it under your roof. Seems the latter is more likely, due to your daughters disrespect for you.
So my dear, that is what I have to say for tonight. I so feel for you. It is a tough, tough deal.
I had my first child at 20 with my hubby. We were young, but we managed, because we had to.
((hugs))
SRJD
New Member
Thank you for your story.. I does break my heart for my grandson and my daughter. . But the supportive responses I have gotten here and the therapist... as tough as it is I sure hope I am doing the right thing.. I think?.. I am.. and hearing your story makes me realize... that so many loving parents have been put through so much.. and yet to talk about it.. we still do love our babies very much.. but had to get tough...and I am still learning this...
SRJD
New Member
Just an update... it feels better to vent... My daughter though she has not spoken to me since a week ago when I told her to leave is coming by today to get her stuff. She stays in contact with her twin sister at least I know she is OK. I am just saddened to know that I will never have the relationship I wanted with some of my daughters and I guess that part of me that hangs on to when they were all little girls. I think that she thinks that I will come around and let her back just like I always have let her back into my heart and head. This time my head wins. My heart always hurts, but I guess my heart has had about enough. Anyhow, I am sure today is going to be interesting when she comes to get her stuff. Thanks for letting me vent.
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
SRJD,
It is going to be stressful, heartbreaking.
Go over some responses that you might give, according to what you anticipate she might say when she comes by.
Keep your answers short and unemotional, if possible.
She will probably try to make you feel guilty for not letting her come back to live with you, as well as complain about her boyfriend and her situation.
Know that she will probably say these things, and what your reply should be. Know that it is entirely in her own power to change her life, and it is not in your power to do so. She has the tools, if and when she chooses to use them.
This is your armor against the onslaught.
Hang in there, we are with you.
Let us know what happens.
Apple
It is going to be stressful, heartbreaking.
Go over some responses that you might give, according to what you anticipate she might say when she comes by.
Keep your answers short and unemotional, if possible.
She will probably try to make you feel guilty for not letting her come back to live with you, as well as complain about her boyfriend and her situation.
Know that she will probably say these things, and what your reply should be. Know that it is entirely in her own power to change her life, and it is not in your power to do so. She has the tools, if and when she chooses to use them.
This is your armor against the onslaught.
Hang in there, we are with you.
Let us know what happens.
Apple
SRJD
New Member
Thanks for the support. Your right about the short and unemotional responses. My therapist told me that last week. I will keep you posted..
Sheri
Childofmine
one day at a time
Sheri hang in there. You are on the side of right in this. And remember: there is no way to know the future and what your relationship with her can be after she decides to finally grow up.
Our ability to change and forgive is incredible.
Just try to take it one day at a time. That is all we really have anyway.
We're here for you.
Our ability to change and forgive is incredible.
Just try to take it one day at a time. That is all we really have anyway.
We're here for you.
SRJD
New Member
She came today and got some more stuff, she is dragging her heels and I am so tired from work I
Thanks for checking in.....
Hanging in, she came for more stuff today and my dad got into it with the twin sisters boyfriend. I just need it to end and I realize each time I am the one who makes it happen. I had chest tightness today and felt my blood pressure rise so quick, so I am trying to calm down today and am going to try some meditation.. or else I will have a bigger problem at hand..
Thanks so much for being there for me..
Sheri
Thanks for checking in.....
Hanging in, she came for more stuff today and my dad got into it with the twin sisters boyfriend. I just need it to end and I realize each time I am the one who makes it happen. I had chest tightness today and felt my blood pressure rise so quick, so I am trying to calm down today and am going to try some meditation.. or else I will have a bigger problem at hand..
Thanks so much for being there for me..
Sheri
SRJD
New Member
Thank you so much for your check in's they mean alot to me.. and everyday is a struggle...
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Oh dear, SRJD, please take care. I know the feeling. I have been there, ripped apart. We are here for you. Please seek counseling or a support group if you are able. This is one of the most difficult things. Praying for you for strength and peace. (((Hugs)))
Leafy
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Hi Sheri,
So, did the ordeal with your Difficult Child go fairly smoothly? Did she say anything unkind or did she just get her stuff and leave? (Or was she pleasant, hopefully?)
Did her boyfriend and the baby come with her?
Take care of yourself!
Le us know how you are doing!
Apple
So, did the ordeal with your Difficult Child go fairly smoothly? Did she say anything unkind or did she just get her stuff and leave? (Or was she pleasant, hopefully?)
Did her boyfriend and the baby come with her?
Take care of yourself!
Le us know how you are doing!
Apple
