20 year old depressed & angry son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GottaHaveFaith, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. GottaHaveFaith

    GottaHaveFaith New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I am brand new to this site and looking for some help/advice. My son is 20, lives home, has 2 jobs. He had "mood Issues" when he was younger. The DR would not put Bipolar in his chart, but he was treated like he had BiPolar. He was hospitalized at 13, and put on Lithium. Wonder drug! When he turned 18, he decided he was no longer going to take medications. He was cranky and irritable. Hated everything. I don't know how he made it out of 12th grade. It was quite a semester. So now fast forward a few years and he is angry all the time. He yells at other drivers on the road even when he isn't driving. Drives too fast, aggressively. He is always talking about wanting to beat someone up. Today he got into a confrontation with someone who worked for a company that was cutting down trees for a neighbor and the guy, early 20's punched him, not that hard. I was there, told my son not to hit him back, and called the police. By the time the police showed up, this person and the men he was working with had left. I thought since my son got punched, we could press charges. No. The officer said it would be a case of my son's word against this other person and his buddies would back him up with whatever he said happened. My son was sooooo angry at not get vindicated that he kicked the bumper of his car 2-3 times, putting huge dents in it, punched the hood, just went totally crazy. The police officer was concerned and said my son had anger issues. I noticed the officer actually parked at the end of our street for awhile. I have never seen him THAT angry. So I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to talk. Later we started talking again and he said his life sucked and he hated everything about it, he hated his jobs, was never going to go to college because he was stupid. He admitted he was depressed, and hated his life, but when I offered to take him to therapy he refused. He also refused medication. He was talking about wanting to hurt the guy who hit him, going to his house, trashing it, killing him. I tried to be the voice of reason. All that because this guy punched you. My son wanted revenge for being wronged. So I tell him that he would get arrested. He said "I don't care". I just don't even know what to do. I told my son I could have him committed for what he was thinking, and he said, I won't go, I will beat them all up. So, now its been 4 hours, he went out and just came home. 330am. He is limping badly because of kicking the car. His foot and ankle are swollen. I am beside myself. Any and all comments welcome! Thank you for listening!
  2. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Hello and I am sorry for the actions of your son. At least he works so there is the good thing about him which is a very good thing. So now that I showed the good things about your son which again is a very good thing very good I have some questions.
    So how is he in relation with his parents well or you at least?
    Is he aggressive towards you also?
    Considering such a temper you describe how does he keep 2 jobs?
    Why did he want to give up on the medicine?
    I know this are a lot of questions but its strange to say the least. If he has a issue as people with anger issues you described can not really keep 2 jobs so there is something fishy with his behavior that make me thing there might not be anger issues.
    Again I am sorry to hear about the actions of your son as it looks he just hurts himself with his actions.
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi GottaHaveFaith,
    Welcome to the board.

    That Anger...yes I understand.
    My middle "child" who is now 26 was also dxd with Bipolar Disorder when he was around 13 yrs old. We never could get the right medication for him and today he lives at home with husband and I. He has a wife and 3 children.

    A few yrs ago my son spit at a police officer after he Od'd and was taken to ER. From ER they took him to Jail! Yes, it is a felony to spit at a police officer. He was placed on probation and during that time had another offense...He punched the windshield of his wife's car with 2 of my grandchildren in the car. This offense was later dropped but Because my son had gotten in trouble again, an arrest, while on probation for the spitting incident, he was sentenced to prison time! He spent a year in a Tx prison. Anger.

    But not only does my son suffer from a mood disorder but he is also a drug addict/alcoholic though not currently using. Do you think it's possible that your son is using drugs or alcohol...self medicating?

    I think you may be right to have your son admitted to a hospital against his will to get some treatment as it sounds like his anger issues are escalating and could lead to a criminal offense. And, SO much better to get medical treatment than prison ward treatment!

    I understand why you would be beside yourself.
    Hang in there...Other's will be along soon.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi GottaHaveFaith and welcome to the forum. We are glad you are here.

    What IS IT with these young men in their 20s? My son acted much the same. He punched holes in our walls upstairs. I even learned how to repair them myself with patch kits from Home Depot.

    He admitted he has/had an anger problem, plus depression and anxiety. My son isn't bipolar, but I think he does struggle with himself still, even though he has been on a much better path for the past 16 months.

    So...what to do? If you can't get your son help, somehow, he is going to have to face some pretty serious consequences most likely (not trying to borrow trouble here).

    Has he ever threatened suicide? In our state, it's illegal to threaten to kill yourself, and if a person does, you can all the police and they will be taken to the hospital and evaluated. One time (my son did it multiple times) they sent him to a hospital for five days of evaluation. That could be a path for your son if that is the case.

    It's just so frustrating and terrifying when our kids are these types of things and because they are adults our hands are tied. They refuse the very thing that would help them deal with what they are feeling, and we have to sit by and watch them self-destruct.

    Most of us here on this forum are in the same situation, or have been. My son is now 26 and he has moved forward, finally.

    One time when he was in jail and I visited him there and was waiting to be called back to the visitation area. The policewoman staffing the front desk asked me: How old is your son? I said 22 (or 23). She said, Oh well, you have a few more years to go. I was puzzled and said: What do you mean? She said most of them straighten up about age 26 or 27 and get it figured out. At that time, I grasped on to anything and everything and I said, Really, you promise? With a kind of laugh, but I do think there is truth in that statement she made for many of these young men who go off the rails. Some still don't "straighten up" as they get into their later 20s but some do.

    Clearly, you know that your son needs treatment. I would also consult with anybody who can give you some counsel here, like the local mental health department, a therapist and anybody else (like the police crisis team people) who can help guide you about possible next steps with him. Perhaps intervening with him can result in a positive impact.

    We know that if he absolutely doesn't want to change and doesn't want help, all of our assistance in the world will amount to nothing. But your son admitted he is miserable. Maybe that is a step in the right direction.

    In any event, we are here for YOU. Through it all. We know how hard this is. We will offer you ideas, support and encouragement. Comfort. A listening ear.

    Keep posting. We care. Hugs today.
  5. GottaHaveFaith

    GottaHaveFaith New Member

    Hi A Dad!
    Thank you for responding. My son is not aggressive towards me or my spouse at all. I am beginning to think this is Bipolar. He manages both jobs and one he is an Asst Mgr of a fast food restaurant. The other he works in a warehouse with a friend. I think he gave up on the medications because he had been taking them for so long. He started medications at age 7 and there was never a choice whether or not he would take them. He always felt like he was the only kid taking medications, but I am sure he wasn't. No one talks about medications. He told me last night that medications mask who you really are. I tried to tell him that I have been taking medications for Depression for years-17-18. Since he was 3. He didn't want to hear it. There is Mental Illness all over the family. So he doesn't sit around his room, never coming out, but when he gets mad he throws things around his room, like when he is playing a video game and it doesn't go the way he wants. He isn't allowed to drive when he's angry. Its his car but we pay the insurance and we care about his safety. So today after work at his first job, he was "normal" again. No rages, able to talk about what happened yesterday without flying off the handle. Still limping a little. Joking mood. I prayed this day wouldn't come, but I think its here. When he was younger his moods would flip in a second. When he started Lithium, the moods leveled out and it was great for 4 years. Now he's bigger and stronger. Unfortunately I see my brother in him who is definite BiPolar (BP). He's 53, won't take medications, no job, always in trouble, or in jail, wicked anger issues, his recent girlfriend had to get a restraining order against him and moved to another state with their son. I don't know how to get my son to realize he will wind up the same way. His anger will land him in jail for something, road rage, some kind of fight. He won't mean to do it, but he will lose control. Especially after what I saw yesterday. Thank you again for responding. I had no idea such a forum existed. I was on one years ago for kids with BiPolar (BP), but i got off when Jake stabilized. Looking forward to hearing more!
    Me-48, Nursing Student, depression, Wellbutrin and Zoloft
    Spouse-47, nothing, Programmer, could probably use some medications too
    Daugher-G-24, lives at home, ft college student, depression, anxiety, Wellbutrin
    Son-J-20, lives home, works 2 jobs, Possible BiPolar (BP)
  6. GottaHaveFaith

    GottaHaveFaith New Member

    Hi childofmine,
    Thank you for responding and the welcome!
    I am beginning to think my son is Bipolar, just not the typical high low. I am totally convinced his was Pediatric Bipolar. Some kids cross over and some don't. Jake may not have if he had stayed on his medications. I will never know. I believe if you threaten to kill yourself in my state you can call for Police or EMS and they will take him to the ED or the Psychiatric. Center. I posted to another that today he came home from work and he was "normal" again. Smiling, joking, able to talk about yesterday without flying off the handle. Not sad. I guess I have never approached the topic of medications or treatment when he isn't sad. Maybe I need to do that. It doesn't occur to me when he's "normal". Yesterday was just beyond what I have ever seen. I don't drive in the car with him much, but last weekend I got the taste of him yelling at people and he wasn't driving. He was sitting in the back seat.
    It is frustrating and terrifying because as adults we know whats coming and they can't see it. Funny, I am an RN student about to begin Psychiatric clinicals at our local Psychiatric Center. I was thinking about e-mailing my instructor who is an RN with many years experience in Psyc. I didn't want to try and talk to him after class last night because I was still so upset and I didn't want anyone else to overhear, and it was 8pm when we got done, so everyone wants to go home. Thank you again!

    Me-48, Nursing Student, depression, Wellbutrin and Zoloft
    Spouse-47, nothing, Programmer, could probably use some medications too
    Daugher-G-24, lives at home, ft college student, depression, anxiety, Wellbutrin
    Son-J-20, lives home, works 2 jobs, Possible BiPolar (BP)
  7. GottaHaveFaith

    GottaHaveFaith New Member

    Hi Lovemysons,

    Thank you for responding! I think all the boys in the family have anger issues, and myself and my spouse sometimes too. It has to be genetic. I think its a Felony to spit at a police officer in any state. Its a felony where I live to assault a Nurse, so I'm guessing police officers too. Its possible he is taking drugs. He has a car so when he's not at work, he goes to friends houses. I have lectured him so many times about doing drugs and driving the car. I don't think he listens. He comes home with red eyes and tries to tell me his contacts bother him, blah, blah, blah. We have very strict laws in NY about driving drugged. He won't listen until he gets pulled over. Today he came home from work "normal" as I put it. He was smiling and acting like he usually does. Able to talk about yesterday a little without flying off the handle. I am beginning to think he is Bipolar. He had Pediatric Bipolar. His moods are just changing too fast. Yesterday I thought depression, but now today he is different, the same that he usually is. He didn't stay in that depressed state he was in. He and I need to talk about his anger and depression when he's not acting depressed. I don't think about him needing medications or therapy when he isn't sad or really angry. Last night was the first time I saw him acting like that in a while. It happened before, but it was months ago where he was sad, claiming he was stupid, not going anywhere in life. But not the rage part. Never saw him quite like that. I probably need to keep a journal like I did when he was younger. Being in college, the days and weeks pass quickly and I can't keep track. A totally agree about the psychiatric treatment vs prison treatment. I am about to begin Psychiatric Clinicals for my RN at our local psychiatric center. and my instructor told us a lot about the number of people who are in jail when they need to be in a hospital. I pray the jail is never where my son ends up. I am afraid to have him comitted that he will hate me forever because they pretty much force medications on you if you are a threat to self or others. That would have been yesterday when he wanted to hurt the kid (guy)who punched him. I hope I get the chance to figure out what he has, and he will accept some kind of help. Even if its anger management. Thank you again for responding!

    Me-48, Nursing Student, depression, Wellbutrin and Zoloft
    Spouse-47, nothing, Programmer, could probably use some medications too
    Daugher-G-24, lives at home, ft college student, depression, anxiety, Wellbutrin
    Son-J-20, lives home, works 2 jobs, Possible BiPolar (BP)