20 yr old daughter SO MESSY!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mzcat95, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. mzcat95

    mzcat95 New Member

    We've had contracts about expectations and house rules and she continues to be messy (dishes, pop cans in room/car...clothes everywhere) and messy bathroom. It may sound picky but these are all MY property and I expect her to respect and take care of things. The consequence of NOT doing that has resulted in her losing her car privledges (since I own that too). That creates a problem for her in getting to work and college, but it's the only real leverage I have right now, since I cant ground her like I did when she was younger. I could giver her an ultimatum that she would also lose her housing (living here) privledges and then she would have an even bigger problem with expenses and she doesn't necessarily get to take the car because I'm not going to just give it to her she would have to buy it....thus see my related thread " Suggestions for 20 yr old....." I really want her to succeed and be reasonable about costs , but I want her to move out if she cant honor my requests/rules.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ummm... let's see if I have this straight.

    She is 20.
    She has graduated successfully from high school.
    She is attending college full time.
    She is holding down a part-time job.

    And your biggest problem with her is that she is "messy"?

    Personally, I think you're a bit unreasonable. Not saying that she should be able to do just whatever she wants but...

    At 20, I had my own bedroom and my own bathroom - lived at home to get my post-secondary education. My room was a mess. ALWAYS a mess. My bathroom got cleaned enough to be ahead of the "unsanitary" level. The car my parents gave me to drive was only slightly better. This was partly because cleaning up wasn't at the top of my priority list, and partly because, once I did school, homework, and job... there wasn't a whole lot left over, and I sure wasn't going to spend THAT small slice of time on cleaning at the expense of a bit of a social life.

    However... at 20, my mess was not allowed to spill over into the rest of the house. I had to respect THEIR space, and the common spaces of the house. It was a reasonable compromise.

    All of this is just perspective, here. There is probably more to the story.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tended to ignore my kids' rooms when they lived with me ... as IC said, as long as it didn't spill over to the rest of the house, I was ok with it. If it's a shared bathroom, that's an issue. Perhaps you could tie that to the use of the car... if it's not clean, or if the car's not clean, she doesn't get the keys until it IS clean. Pretty straightforward. In fact, that's a good reason to keep the car in your name - gives you leverage.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter is a wonderful kid. I adore her. But her room was a mess. I ignored it too. She is doing well in life and I just figured if she can stand it, so be it. It finally emptied when she went to college in which she and her dorm mates were all messy. She just signed an apartment lease for June and it will be interesting to see if she, her boyfriend and close friend keep their place neat. But that's up to them. Its their apartment and we did not co-sign lease. Boyfriend is 24 with good paying job and whatever happens there is up to them. Aside from a few jokes, it hasnt been an issue for us. I'm no neat freak myself!!
  5. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    There is a huge difference between messy and nasty. The unmade bed, clothes on the floor, game console stretched out, books all over, etc - that doesn't bother me. That is messy and if they are comfortable with that, so be it. If there is molding food, stains on the wall, dirty and stinking clothes that reek, trash in the room, etc - that is unsanitary and that I can't handle.

    If it is just messy, that is typical and not worth expending the time, energy or stress to fight over. Let it go. If it is unsanitary, expect the messy but put some boundaries on what can/can't get out of control. If that is the worst she does, count yourself very, very lucky. And let it go.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT had a bad habit of leaving the plates, glasses, food bits, etc. in her room. The mess was one thing, unsanitary is another. One day she found a mouse in her room. After several hours of hysterical screaming, she cleaned up the food mess and was very good about bringing plates back into the kitchen.

    I would fuss about the food-related mess, but clothes on the floor and papers and shoes floating around? Close the door. Or in our case, pull the curtain, since she tore the door off the hinges and threw it at me during her younger years.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Pretty logical consequences if you ask me.

    That has been my line in the sand, too. I expect rooms to be clean enough to not attract bugs, rodents, or mold. Because those three things will affect MY part of the house.
  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Lets put my opinion also while my boys where messy I never considered that a issue.
    I thought that the qualites they had way made up for such a flaw I meab why would I care so much about clothes not in the closet to argue with my sons over it.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lol. I love the mouse.